Hi All, I’m Baaaaack?
Happy belated Easter.
To those who have had a Birthday, sorry, “Happy Birthday”?
To those that haven’t, well I haven’t forgotten yet.
Welcome to “the weeks that were” another exciting episode & insight into the world that is Toronto Pip, & his trusty companions Mississauga Juju & Montreal McGregor.
It has been a trying 3 weeks, I have seen things I wish I hadn’t, nearly been arrested in Chicago, lost my cool with an airline employee [most unlike me], had a police escort out of a small town [after a few quite ones], flown on 7 different airlines, visited as many airports, crossed 6 states, and driven approx 2000 miles [miles not kms as they are backward up here, well in the US of A that is.]
You may have noticed that there have been a few weeks of silence; this can only be put down to a couple of things. [One], I can’t be bothered, as you are all hopeless with emails, or [Two], I have been working so bloody hard that I haven’t had time to think let alone send emails home about my fantastic, exciting and reverting adventures. You choose.
It goes a bit like this.
Week One:
Rome, Amsterdam, and Geneva. All great, except a day in each place makes for a weary traveller. The later to check out if the convention was still alive and kicking. You know the Geneva Convention. It’s all part of my world domination plans, which I must say are coming along nicely. As long as I keep the Middle East a busy hot spot everything will just fall into place. I am sure chairman Helen is all for it, especially if I ensure her a spot in line up.
You guessed it I have made it my mission that there will be a “HOOTER’S” in every continent and in every city, and it will be a requirement to visit the “TEMPLE” at least once a week and once on weekends.
When Super 12 or 14 or whatever they bloody call it now is on, as a male you will be required to attend Friday through Sunday, wife’s by appointment only, unless wearing a Hooters uniform.
All of us who don’t live in Wellington can be thank full as that is where Helen will be.
Of course scantily clad young ladies have nothing to do with it; it’s all about the wings, ribs and sports on TV.
Week Two.
Rochester, Syracuse, Utica and Albany all cities in New York State. Albany being the capitol. We drove on this trip part of the trip as it is only 10 hours there and 10 hours back?? Yes I let “she who must be obeyed” come with me [mental note, do not travel on business with wife]. This does not include Montreal McGregor who acts as a babe magnet, and has numerous other advantages. I had one blond announce to me that I must be English, no I said “I was from New Zealand” and so is McGregor, with which she asked me if he would understand her if she asked him to sit?? No joke. Dear God its no wonder they can’t organise a piss up in a brewery.
Had some very important meetings while trying to see the sights at same time. Ended up getting totally confused and telling the treasury and defence dept about my world domination plans, and the custodian of some art gallery all about how our company can help them by relieving them of heaps of money. I think on reflection that I got that one back to front.
On the way back Juju decided that we should drive up through the Adirondacks, lovely country side and of course adds two more driving hours, but also meant we circumnavigated Lake Ontario. While up in the hills we came across some Amish men cutting a tree up that had fallen in a storm. Bloody amazing, two Clydesdales and a cart, hand saws, with a tree about 5 foot thick. Then down the road came the horse drawn cart with lunch. You have to take your hat of to them, what a way to live.
After a brief conversation about chainsaws, v8’s & Hooters bars, I them told them how bloody proud of them I was, and that bloody hard work was the f….ing corner stone of life, and that they deserve a great big f…king medal.
Week Three.
Chicago, what a great town, spent Monday evening on the 95th floor of the Hancock building drinking Martinis and talking business with our Illinois distributor while watching the sun set, and the world go by, way down below.
Next day meetings, then on Tuesday late afternoon had to drive to Woodstock to meet a new sports track and sports floor agent/distributor. What a score not only is he going to be a great agent but he owns half of Woodstock, including three bars. With which we proceeded to do a mini pub crawl around for a couple or six hours. After some good old boys had a hand gun shoot up into the air competition I decided that I should make my way back to Chicago. Needless to say I was in the middle of no where and must have eaten some bad seafood. No problem, not only did he own half the town but also the police department. I managed a 45 minute police escort back to my hotel, what luck eh!
Next morning a 5 hour drive to St Louis, Missouri to meet another new rep, unfortunately she had had a death in the family and had failed to tell me, so then I drove 5 hours back to Chicago. Here the problems started!!!!
Extremely tired, I returned the rental car. Took the courtesy bus to the airport. Now picture one of the busiest airports in the world and a tired and still feeling ill [after the bad seafood] Toronto Pip, quite frankly it was a cocktail heading toward one of the Molotov kind.
Firstly, it was Wednesday late afternoon, it was a long weekend, and my ticket was for Friday evening on US Air. Calm at first I explained the situation to the lovely [albeit her eyes to close together] lady, she told me that there was one seat left on the evening flight. Great I said, with which her reply was that will be $US400 thanks. I then said but I already hold a fully paid return ticket to Buffalo from Chicago? Well it’s the last seat and policy states that I have to sell it, not re-book anyone. Still calm I pushed for the bereavement policy, no it was $400 dollars and that was that. Blood pressure rising I asked for her supervisor. She duly arrived and my case was again pitched, here it starts to get funny, no she could not put me on that flight unless I wanted to pay $400. However we can book you on Continental who have plenty of seats and will only cost $115, but what could I do, they sold me the ticket with Continental even though they were in another
terminal. Then the ripper came, [the one that sent me over the edge], after handing me the ticket she then handed me another ticket which had a credit of $275 on it for the leg of the trip that I will not be flying with them [$275 credit?????????]. I bloody exploded a credit for $275 however happy to book me on another airline and lose $275. What the hell was the point of trying to sell me a $400 ticket when you were going to credit me back the majority of the original anyway. Raised voices and a bright red complexion gained the attention of one of Chicago’s finest, it was like the movies, “sir calm down”, “sir are you trying to create a scene”, “sir if you don’t calm down I will have to shoot you”. Then he shadowed [escorted] me on the train between terminals. To top things off on this eventful day there was a 2 hour queue to get through security. I was then asked to step aside as I had been SELECTED to be searched. So another 30 min wait while they
swabbed my bag, so as required I removed my shoes, belt, jacket, coins, wallet, cell phone, wedding ring, lap top, hand bag, gun, false teeth, artificial leg, etc etc, and was duly patted down, I however enjoyed that part. Flight was great and we were early [there must be a god]. Got to Buffalo realising that I still had a 1.5 hr drive back to Toronto. Big car crash in car park so it was log jammed. Got home 2am Thursday morning after being awake for 22 hours. Up-side is that I actually got to have a break over Easter with no work.
That’s all for now, stay tuned however, as I am back in Detroit next week, so bullet proof vest and gun in hand, and then to Alaska, so red necks and crabs [the eating type you sicko's].
Love to all
Toronto Pip
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
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