Tena Koutou NZ Whanua,
Welcome to another episode of “the week that was”, a masterpiece of literary genius, which will keep you enthralled, on the edge of your seat & unable to understand. And all this to do with the goings on of Toronto Pip. This week there is not much action from my musty side-kick Mississauga Juju and the ever present Montreal McGregor?
This week we have fun and adventure on the high seas of Lake Huron [or should that be high lakes?] with the Canadian Coast Guard [be all you can be], we visit rural Michigan [yeee hawww & dosie doh], visit Michigan State University in Ann Arbor [opens your eyes a bit] then down to Detroit [don the bullet proof vest and strap on the side arm] for some relaxation & a bite of lunch with Mafioso?
So it starts like this, I drive to Sarnia which is the border between US & Canada, US Port Huron, Canada Port Sarnia. In places you could probably drive a golf ball across [if you where me, John Daley or Tiger that is]? I get whistled on board the CCGS [Canadian Coast Guard Ship for you slow ones] Samuel Risley and that was just by the female crew members and to my horror one of the men [lenient for that stuff up here]. Chief Officer Signe Gotfredsen asks me how long do you have, I reply how long does it take. Want a ride, ok. Next thing you know we are casting off to do a wee sea trial to see if the up grades work. [And here was me thinking we were talking about something completely different].
The 220’ cutter pulls out at a leisurely 10 kits into Lake Huron. Next thing sirens start and all hands are called, I think we are under attack [from the Middle East faction Sadam SeaBass BoatBomber Hussein] then I think well if we go down at least I am in good hands. We’ll it was a speed run, so its ark up the 3 x 12,000 hp diesels I’m thinking it will take a while for her to wind up, but before I can grab a rail I am sat on my butt. By the time I pull myself to my feet and look out the window we are already hitting 30 kts and climbing, we peg out at 45 kts [that’s 85kmh] which doesn’t sound much but when you realise you are on a 220’ vessel it is rather impressive. I ask if I can go aft to see what is happening out the back. So there I am looking over the back and we are putting up an impressive rooster tail of about 50’ to 100’ height x 150’ to 200’ out the back and a wake of about 20’ to 30’. The noise is deafening. Bloody hell there’s the
siren again, the young women next to me has eyes as bid as saucers and I can’t hear a word she is saying, so I go by the fear in her eyes and the fact that her knuckles are white with the death grip she has on the railing as an indication that I should quickly follow suit. Christ the next thing we are doing speed turns and the vessel hasn’t slowed any. The boat is doing things that are not possible we turn hard to starboard then hard to port, she is groaning as we are horizontal then vertical, horizontal then vertical [the boat that is], then there is that bloody siren again, a quick glance to my left and the young women's eyes have got bigger and her grip is so tight she has made himself cry, I personally need a change of undies, THEN we’ll f??k me if they don’t bash this thing in reverse without slowing down. We literally go from 45 kts to stop in about 10 seconds, the bird and I are soaked which is a good thing as I believe we probably had both pee’ed in our
pants.
After that I needed some slow time so it is off to rural Michigan to visit a manufacturer of sports equipment for universities who want's to run with our products. We'll there I am in the middle of nowhere and there is a hotel just sitting in a field with a restaurant [a Bob Evans to be precise] next to it. Home style cooking the ad said. This is where you realise that little old NZ is so far ahead in worldly matters and that, yes we actually should be afraid of the fact that the US see's itself as a world power. So I go in, and ask question and generally make small talk as I am on my own! The black girl goes all gooey over my accent and everyone makes a fuss while all I want to do is have something to eat AND OH SHIT IT IS A FAMILY RESTURANT AND THEY DON'T SERVE ALCOHOL. It just gets better. I sit down and glance around the room AND OH BUGGER YES WE ARE IN RURAL AMERICA AND YOU CAN SMOKE ANYWHERE, it gets better! So there is this guy who resembles "yabber the hut" [star
wars movie] to which I am shocked, yet fascinated, I stare I just cannot take my eyes of him as I have never seen a human drink 15 soft drinks while never taking the cigarette out of his mouth and all while devouring what looked like to be 3 whole chickens. Then I realised he had Mrs Yabber and all the little Yabber's with him who all resembled something from a bad b-grade horror movie "the blob" or in this case blobs?! I finish my chicken pot pie, then glance their way and run to the bathroom to start my new vice "bulimia". So all I want to do is escape but the staff thinks I am something special, so I have to talk and explain where I am from? Why I am here? So I want to pay my bill, when out of the blue the black girl ask's me "what language do you speak in NZ"? Open mouthed I stood, excuse me I thought I was speaking English, but obviously I slipped back to my native tongue Swahili. "How are you going to pay" she ask's, American Express, "you have American Express in
NZ", YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING "yes and we also have phones & cars & TV & Coke & GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE??????????????.
Then down to Ann Arbor to visit a new install at Michigan State Uni football centre. OH MY GOD, apart from being allowed to watch the cheer leaders practice [could you just do that throw in the air split rutine one more time I think you were not extended enough on that last set]. Even the cheer leaders have there own gym, offices and operates just like the football team, it is has to be seen to believed! The campus is about the size of a small town and the buildings for every sport are top notch filled with top gear etc. Just goes to show when you have a large population anything is affordable.
Down to Detroit, stop at city limits to don the bullet proof vest, and make sure the side arm is loaded with one up the spout. Another meeting at Motor City Casino, then down to Ford to see if they are still in business, yep there is a pulse. Then my rep and I have to meet a GM guy at "Carl's Chop House" a Detroit institution? I know what you are thinking, Carl's Cop House, could it be a chop shop for stolen cars, no? Is it a house of ill repute, no? Is it a house of evangelistic goings on, no? Is it a house at all, NO? It is a Mafioso owned restaurant that has not changed since the 50's, a guy play's the piano, waiters in black tux's, no windows, it has a charm about it, it is shifty to say the least, the food is superb, and if you complain the waiter is found "swimming with the fish, capesh"? The GM guy asks if we want to go to the "ball game" I reluctantly say yes and the next thing I know we are heading to the game in a limo, we get waved through the gates at the
stadium and right under the ground. Hop out and walk 5m into the elevator that took us up to the GM corporate box. It was like no other corp box I have ever seen, it was the size of a quarter of a rugby field and more exciting than that it was boy's afternoon (no girls or wife’s etc), so the girls who were serving us were appropriately attired, can't remember much about the game, not through drunkenness, but by the fact that there were far more interesting things going on around me. Oh look, there is Tammy & Sammy the twins, and Brittany I don't think you should bend back like that, something might go pop and yes please feel free to do the splits while handing me a beer of the tray. Quite frankly it is all good.
I watched with interest and was sad to not be a part of Auckland’s "Boob's on Bikes" it looked like a great spectacle, the usual winging sandal wearing tree huggers were out in force also I see. I bet that "Cereal Rapist" mayor was also thinking of ways having it stopped. Just like the street race, the stadium, the list goes on. I now live in a city of 6 million people where we have road closures, street parties, street races that go on for days some even weeks with absolutely little drama? They even close down the major motorway here twice a year, one for a bike race, the second for a marathon. So I say up the establishment and I look forward to all your support when I return to Auckland and run for mayor.
So long for now, thinking of you all, much love,
Toronto Pip
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Dead Lambs, Fetish Week and the Coast Guard: August 30 2006
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi All,
We'll its not often I need to retract much [except for the land gear on all the aircraft I fly on], however through extreme pressure I will give it a go.
Firstly it has been pointed out to me that petrol prices have come down in NZ. WOW a whole 5cents, [thanks Chairman Helen that will really help], we have had another drop here and it is back down in the 85c/per L range that is a 30c drop.
Secondly my intro into the last “week that was” was seen as disrespectful under the circumstances, which I have to agree may have been seen as bad taste! However at the time of writing I was unaware of any ill health or the inevitable. My intro was actually directed at the All Blacks who have made the news over here for its barbaric and unsportsmanlike like dance [as they call it up here] that they perform [emphasis on perform] before a big match? Any way if any one was offended by this tell someone who gives a ????, all complaints to juwood@gmail.com and she will punish me as I feel fit.
I have been banned from a Toronto art gallery, that now takes it up to 4 world wide [2 in Auckland, 1 in New York and now Toronto], I really have no idea why Julie persists in taking me, she knows it only means trouble as I cannot resist in telling everyone exactly what it is they are looking at, and no I don't give a flying f??k as to what the artist is trying to say and the fact that they were beaten or touched as a child does not make a black canvas a piece of art.
At the gallery in question the "artist" who was holding a dead lamb said the work "left her with an undercurrent of lambyness, unexpected fantasies of mergence and inter-species metamorphoses began to flicker into her consciousness"?? WHAT ARE THESE SO CALLED ARTIST ON, now I'm up for most things but I don't want a bar of she was smoking. Any how I announced quite loudly that Kira [the artist], who seems to depend on the shock of using a murdered lamb as a prop, “perhaps lacked the talent to make it as a proper artist, should get a real day job to pay her bills and not push upon us the crap she calls art.
The curator then asked me to leave, I did with pleasure, but not before peeing in the corner and telling him I have an undercurrent of beeriness with the unexpected feelings of mergence of running rivers of beer which flickered into my consciousness, oh by the way that is art my friend, [just jokes, don't start unless you want to complain] then you can complain to juwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly, I have been a naughty boy.
It was fetish weekend in our neighbourhood, the sights and sounds were wonderful, again streets were closed off and the stalls came out selling all things to do with fetishes, there were some things that even needed to be explained to me and not just gay but for all.So you put your leg through there and pull on that and your thingy does that, oh yes now I can see, thanks for explaining that to me, does it come in beige? While having a look around I came a cross a guy lying face down on a padded pommel horse thing with a sign saying spank me, we’ll that was an offer I could not refuse, I don’t think he was expecting such a whack as he leaped up into the air and started rubbing his bum, everyone just laughed and I moved on. It was actually a good show and I managed to get all my Xmas shopping done for family back at home eh?
I am of to Lake Huron tomorrow to meet with the Canadian Coast Guard, which is bigger and has more vessels than our and Australia’s Navy, I am having a 3 hr trip on a 200’ cutter which has 50mm guns and rocket launchers and cannons and all sorts of things I know I shouldn't touch but probably will, you can just imagine it now, “what’s that button”, “what does this do”, “should I not have pushed that, oh look at the pretty white stream of steam behind that rocket, its aimed where” oh well “ they will just think it was some Hezbollah rocket and we won’t get into any trouble.
Then the rest of the week in Detroit so keep an eye out for the next “week that was”.
Cheers to all,
Toronto Pip
Hi All,
We'll its not often I need to retract much [except for the land gear on all the aircraft I fly on], however through extreme pressure I will give it a go.
Firstly it has been pointed out to me that petrol prices have come down in NZ. WOW a whole 5cents, [thanks Chairman Helen that will really help], we have had another drop here and it is back down in the 85c/per L range that is a 30c drop.
Secondly my intro into the last “week that was” was seen as disrespectful under the circumstances, which I have to agree may have been seen as bad taste! However at the time of writing I was unaware of any ill health or the inevitable. My intro was actually directed at the All Blacks who have made the news over here for its barbaric and unsportsmanlike like dance [as they call it up here] that they perform [emphasis on perform] before a big match? Any way if any one was offended by this tell someone who gives a ????, all complaints to juwood@gmail.com and she will punish me as I feel fit.
I have been banned from a Toronto art gallery, that now takes it up to 4 world wide [2 in Auckland, 1 in New York and now Toronto], I really have no idea why Julie persists in taking me, she knows it only means trouble as I cannot resist in telling everyone exactly what it is they are looking at, and no I don't give a flying f??k as to what the artist is trying to say and the fact that they were beaten or touched as a child does not make a black canvas a piece of art.
At the gallery in question the "artist" who was holding a dead lamb said the work "left her with an undercurrent of lambyness, unexpected fantasies of mergence and inter-species metamorphoses began to flicker into her consciousness"?? WHAT ARE THESE SO CALLED ARTIST ON, now I'm up for most things but I don't want a bar of she was smoking. Any how I announced quite loudly that Kira [the artist], who seems to depend on the shock of using a murdered lamb as a prop, “perhaps lacked the talent to make it as a proper artist, should get a real day job to pay her bills and not push upon us the crap she calls art.
The curator then asked me to leave, I did with pleasure, but not before peeing in the corner and telling him I have an undercurrent of beeriness with the unexpected feelings of mergence of running rivers of beer which flickered into my consciousness, oh by the way that is art my friend, [just jokes, don't start unless you want to complain] then you can complain to juwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly, I have been a naughty boy.
It was fetish weekend in our neighbourhood, the sights and sounds were wonderful, again streets were closed off and the stalls came out selling all things to do with fetishes, there were some things that even needed to be explained to me and not just gay but for all.So you put your leg through there and pull on that and your thingy does that, oh yes now I can see, thanks for explaining that to me, does it come in beige? While having a look around I came a cross a guy lying face down on a padded pommel horse thing with a sign saying spank me, we’ll that was an offer I could not refuse, I don’t think he was expecting such a whack as he leaped up into the air and started rubbing his bum, everyone just laughed and I moved on. It was actually a good show and I managed to get all my Xmas shopping done for family back at home eh?
I am of to Lake Huron tomorrow to meet with the Canadian Coast Guard, which is bigger and has more vessels than our and Australia’s Navy, I am having a 3 hr trip on a 200’ cutter which has 50mm guns and rocket launchers and cannons and all sorts of things I know I shouldn't touch but probably will, you can just imagine it now, “what’s that button”, “what does this do”, “should I not have pushed that, oh look at the pretty white stream of steam behind that rocket, its aimed where” oh well “ they will just think it was some Hezbollah rocket and we won’t get into any trouble.
Then the rest of the week in Detroit so keep an eye out for the next “week that was”.
Cheers to all,
Toronto Pip
Monday, August 21, 2006
Retraction August 21 2006
Hi All,
We'll its not often I need to retract much [except for the land gear on all the aircraft I fly on], however through extreme pressure I will give it a go.
Firstly it has been pointed out to me that petrol prices have come down in NZ. WOW a whole 5cents, [thanks Chairman Helen that will really help], we have had another drop here and it is back down in the 85c/per L range that is a 30c drop.
Secondly my intro into the last “week that was” was seen as disrespectful under the circumstances, which I have to agree may have been seen as bad taste! However at the time of writing I was unaware of any ill health or the inevitable. My intro was actually directed at the All Blacks who have made the news over here for its barbaric and unsportsmanlike like dance [as they call it up here] that they perform [emphasis on perform] before a big match? Any way if any one was offended by this tell someone who gives a ????, all complaints to juwood@gmail.com and she will punish me as I feel fit.
I have been banned from a Toronto art gallery, that now takes it up to 4 world wide [2 in Auckland, 1 in New York and now Toronto], I really have no idea why Julie persists in taking me, she knows it only means trouble as I cannot resist in telling everyone exactly what it is they are looking at, and no I don't give a flying f??k as to what the artist is trying to say and the fact that they were beaten or touched as a child does not make a black canvas a piece of art.
At the gallery in question the "artist" who was holding a dead lamb said the work "left her with an undercurrent of lambyness, unexpected fantasies of mergence and inter-species metamorphoses began to flicker into her consciousness"?? WHAT ARE THESE SO CALLED ARTIST ON, now I'm up for most things but I don't want a bar of she was smoking. Any how I announced quite loudly that Kira [the artist], who seems to depend on the shock of using a murdered lamb as a prop, “perhaps lacked the talent to make it as a proper artist, should get a real day job to pay her bills and not push upon us the crap she calls art.
The curator then asked me to leave, I did with pleasure, but not before peeing in the corner and telling him I have an undercurrent of beeriness with the unexpected feelings of mergence of running rivers of beer which flickered into my consciousness, oh by the way that is art my friend, [just jokes, don't start unless you want to complain] then you can complain to juwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly, I have been a naughty boy.
It was fetish weekend in our neighbourhood, the sights and sounds were wonderful, again streets were closed off and the stalls came out selling all things to do with fetishes, there were some things that even needed to be explained to me and not just gay but for all.So you put your leg through there and pull on that and your thingy does that, oh yes now I can see, thanks for explaining that to me, does it come in beige? While having a look around I came a cross a guy lying face down on a padded pommel horse thing with a sign saying spank me, we’ll that was an offer I could not refuse, I don’t think he was expecting such a whack as he leaped up into the air and started rubbing his bum, everyone just laughed and I moved on. It was actually a good show and I managed to get all my Xmas shopping done for family back at home eh?
I am of to Lake Huron tomorrow to meet with the Canadian Coast Guard, which is bigger and has more vessels than our and Australia’s Navy, I am having a 3 hr trip on a 200’ cutter which has 50mm guns and rocket launchers and cannons and all sorts of things I know I shouldn't touch but probably will, you can just imagine it now, “what’s that button”, “what does this do”, “should I not have pushed that, oh look at the pretty white stream of steam behind that rocket, its aimed where” oh well “ they will just think it was some Hezbollah rocket and we won’t get into any trouble.
Then the rest of the week in Detroit so keep an eye out for the next “week that was”.
Cheers to all,
Toronto Pip
We'll its not often I need to retract much [except for the land gear on all the aircraft I fly on], however through extreme pressure I will give it a go.
Firstly it has been pointed out to me that petrol prices have come down in NZ. WOW a whole 5cents, [thanks Chairman Helen that will really help], we have had another drop here and it is back down in the 85c/per L range that is a 30c drop.
Secondly my intro into the last “week that was” was seen as disrespectful under the circumstances, which I have to agree may have been seen as bad taste! However at the time of writing I was unaware of any ill health or the inevitable. My intro was actually directed at the All Blacks who have made the news over here for its barbaric and unsportsmanlike like dance [as they call it up here] that they perform [emphasis on perform] before a big match? Any way if any one was offended by this tell someone who gives a ????, all complaints to juwood@gmail.com and she will punish me as I feel fit.
I have been banned from a Toronto art gallery, that now takes it up to 4 world wide [2 in Auckland, 1 in New York and now Toronto], I really have no idea why Julie persists in taking me, she knows it only means trouble as I cannot resist in telling everyone exactly what it is they are looking at, and no I don't give a flying f??k as to what the artist is trying to say and the fact that they were beaten or touched as a child does not make a black canvas a piece of art.
At the gallery in question the "artist" who was holding a dead lamb said the work "left her with an undercurrent of lambyness, unexpected fantasies of mergence and inter-species metamorphoses began to flicker into her consciousness"?? WHAT ARE THESE SO CALLED ARTIST ON, now I'm up for most things but I don't want a bar of she was smoking. Any how I announced quite loudly that Kira [the artist], who seems to depend on the shock of using a murdered lamb as a prop, “perhaps lacked the talent to make it as a proper artist, should get a real day job to pay her bills and not push upon us the crap she calls art.
The curator then asked me to leave, I did with pleasure, but not before peeing in the corner and telling him I have an undercurrent of beeriness with the unexpected feelings of mergence of running rivers of beer which flickered into my consciousness, oh by the way that is art my friend, [just jokes, don't start unless you want to complain] then you can complain to juwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly, I have been a naughty boy.
It was fetish weekend in our neighbourhood, the sights and sounds were wonderful, again streets were closed off and the stalls came out selling all things to do with fetishes, there were some things that even needed to be explained to me and not just gay but for all.So you put your leg through there and pull on that and your thingy does that, oh yes now I can see, thanks for explaining that to me, does it come in beige? While having a look around I came a cross a guy lying face down on a padded pommel horse thing with a sign saying spank me, we’ll that was an offer I could not refuse, I don’t think he was expecting such a whack as he leaped up into the air and started rubbing his bum, everyone just laughed and I moved on. It was actually a good show and I managed to get all my Xmas shopping done for family back at home eh?
I am of to Lake Huron tomorrow to meet with the Canadian Coast Guard, which is bigger and has more vessels than our and Australia’s Navy, I am having a 3 hr trip on a 200’ cutter which has 50mm guns and rocket launchers and cannons and all sorts of things I know I shouldn't touch but probably will, you can just imagine it now, “what’s that button”, “what does this do”, “should I not have pushed that, oh look at the pretty white stream of steam behind that rocket, its aimed where” oh well “ they will just think it was some Hezbollah rocket and we won’t get into any trouble.
Then the rest of the week in Detroit so keep an eye out for the next “week that was”.
Cheers to all,
Toronto Pip
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Customs, Cousins, Petrol and Lord of the Rings: August 17 2006 10.24
Kiaora
Tin-a-cocoa, Tin-a-coffee, Cup-o-soup! And lashings of throat slitting, eh.
How are you all in Kiwiland, “land of the long white cloud”?
It is I Toronto Pip here in Canada, where on the East coast it is a unique experience to find a hill, let alone a mountain, no complaints however as it is also the land of the long clear summer. Some rain would be nice. I have been here 1.5 years and have not had a full day’s rain yet. I digress.
Welcome to another episode of “The Week That Was” an exciting parable of Toronto Pip, his wonderful side-kick Mississauga Juju and the babe magnet that is Montreal McGregor. Unfortunately in my area that may mean the wrong type of babe.
This episode consists of Customs officers, visiting cousins, New York "you’re fired", Hezbollah, Petrol prices, Baseball, Lord of the Rings, Racoons, Road works, and a horse called Frank? Plus the usual anecdotes that make up the life & times of Toronto Pip.
Customs:
It goes a bit like this, truck from our New Jersey (USA) warehouse [Wed] to our warehouse [Thurs] in Mississauga (CANADA) is stopped at boarder because of the rubber flooring contraband that I been obviously shipping back and forth [someone else’s cargo actually]. Truck driver lies and says he is a bonded agent, truck leaves and when he arrives in Mississauga is apprehended and his truck impounded. While customs was wondering about this, a kombi van full of illegal Hezbollah immigrants with boxes of cigarette’s and booze and a trailer loaded with fertilizer & diesel just drove on through. Any way so there is my stock which is urgently required for a BMW dealership & Toronto University [which is already customs cleared] but now stuck on an impounded truck. It’s now Friday and there is no sign of action, so Toronto Pip heads of for the Customs Bonded area to sort it all out. We’ll its like talking to a wall, I try all of my powers of persuasion, then it happens, I get
the “one”, picture the agent with mirror glasses, moustache, he may as well have been wearing jodhpurs’, so Toronto Pip tries a different angle. I start flapping my arms like a wind mill, ranting & raving; I may have mentioned something about fascist customs officers at some point, then it happened, jodhpur boy didn’t like that one bit, I was asked to leave, I refused, I was asked again, I again refused, I was threatened, right back at aye jodhpur boy? It was when he handled his weapon [gun that is, this is a family show] I realised I may have crossed the line slightly, I had forgotten they were armed, silly me really. I was actually physically removed from the premises, arm up my back, and marched out the gate and tossed into the gutter like a in a B-grade movie.
Cousins in Town:
Another visitor from home which is great, Kirsty Rundle [mother Barbara Rundle nee Ross] who has been in British Columbia & Alberta having a blast of a time over winter with her new fiancé Isaac. They arrive in Toronto to a cooler mini heat wave. It’s all good and we set about getting some quality drinking & eating in. Then there’s the standard trip to Niagara Falls [to many times to remember now] but it is still an amazing spectacle. The sights and sounds of Toronto, China town, shopping district etc. All good and we had a blast, drank too much and generally had a great time. It was great for me to have a Kiwi bloke to share the women hassling with. Isaac and I decided we should take the girls to a quality establishment and to be honest the girls did not take much encouragement. As previously explained one of Toronto's top strip clubs is 500m from our apartment so it's all good.
New York "you’re fired"
The owner of the company announced at 4.45pm Monday afternoon that I was flying to New York in the morning for the day to do some dirty work for him. Oh great I say, just what I like to do on a Tuesday. So off I go down to the New York office to give 3 people the don't come Monday speech. I arranged meetings with all three separately and it didn't take a rocket scientist to work out what was up. After I had two out of the way the owner rang up and told me to not fire the last one. She of course was outside waiting for me to call her in. So in she comes already in her mind knowing her fate? I quickly changed tack and told her she had a stay of execution and told her to organise pizza & beer so we could all get liquored up and rejoice. Back to Toronto and few well earned quite ones with the cousie & co.
Baseball:
Still with the young ones we went to the baseball, huge stadium holds about 85,000 to 95,000 humans. Blue Jays [home team] playing the White Sox. Good atmosphere, reasonable crowd, not enough organ music to get us going, the standard Mexican wave, great value [should send up the Eden Park people to see how its done] great seats for only $8.75 per person, a few beers & hotdogs all readily available and an enjoyable 4 hrs of baseball.
Hezbollah:
For once in my life I’m not going to go there???? Di armi atomiche I bastardi. Email me if you want the translation, however when have I ever been diplomatic, it means nuke the bastards in Italian. All complaints can be sent to jujuwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly. So all complaints greatly appreciated.
Lord of the Rings:
Ju and I went to the stage production of “Lord of the Rings” not to be mistaken for our local production “Lord of my Ring” which is quite understandable considering where we live, and that’s a whole story in itself and lets not go there. The actual stage drama was one of the best visual and staged productions I have ever been to. The costumes and special effects were just out of this world. It is a pity really as the critics gave it bad reviews and it has lost millions and is closing at the end of September all because some idiot critic who has his own opinion of what a production should be like. I have offered my services of course, and told them that if the female parts were played naked I could probably stretch it out until the end of October at least.
Racoons & Roadwork’s:
Not to be construed as a related issue however racoons are just as stupid as opossums and you see many of them not make it across the road.
Any how there are two seasons in Canada, winter and construction. Just about every road is being fixed and buildings appear overnight, literally. Its one thing about living in a big city, when they build they build fast.
It’s that time of year and the racoons & squirrels are running, skipping, playing and shagging. If you have ever heard a racoon fight you would know what I mean it’s like a cat fight only 5 times as loud and 10 times as vicious. One night we could here a cat & racoon going at it for a short time then it went quite, I think they shook hands and moved on, however rumour has it that someone has been calling out for jinksey for a week now, I wonder what that means. You can’t help but wake up and see what the hell is going on. It is quite amazing to be living downtown in a city of 6 million people and to have squirrels, racoons, chipmunks & even eagles all right there in your yard.
A Horse called Frank:
Not to be mistaken for his cousin Hank who I had a run in with at the airport. Frank was on duty downtown the other night; it is hilarious as they ride up the main street [like Queen Street only bigger] with a red light flashing on the back of the saddle like a bike light. I always stop to have a chat and the police guys are always pleasant, we reminisced about the days we used to ride in fields, herd cattle etc, I am building up to ask for a ride but may be pushing my luck here all I need is another gun drawing episode. They get a call out and it’s away at full canter up the street, quite a spectacle actually.
Petrol Prices:
Just to piss you all off when paying $1.70 per L +/- at the pump. Last week our price shot up to $1.18 per L, there was an out cry even protests, then someone told Canada that they have the biggest oil field and oil sand capabilities in the world, we rejoiced, even danced in the streets and the best of all THE PRICE DROPPED TO 97c. Imagine that the price actually dropping; try telling that one to Chairman Helen.
That's it for now,
Toronto Pip
Tin-a-cocoa, Tin-a-coffee, Cup-o-soup! And lashings of throat slitting, eh.
How are you all in Kiwiland, “land of the long white cloud”?
It is I Toronto Pip here in Canada, where on the East coast it is a unique experience to find a hill, let alone a mountain, no complaints however as it is also the land of the long clear summer. Some rain would be nice. I have been here 1.5 years and have not had a full day’s rain yet. I digress.
Welcome to another episode of “The Week That Was” an exciting parable of Toronto Pip, his wonderful side-kick Mississauga Juju and the babe magnet that is Montreal McGregor. Unfortunately in my area that may mean the wrong type of babe.
This episode consists of Customs officers, visiting cousins, New York "you’re fired", Hezbollah, Petrol prices, Baseball, Lord of the Rings, Racoons, Road works, and a horse called Frank? Plus the usual anecdotes that make up the life & times of Toronto Pip.
Customs:
It goes a bit like this, truck from our New Jersey (USA) warehouse [Wed] to our warehouse [Thurs] in Mississauga (CANADA) is stopped at boarder because of the rubber flooring contraband that I been obviously shipping back and forth [someone else’s cargo actually]. Truck driver lies and says he is a bonded agent, truck leaves and when he arrives in Mississauga is apprehended and his truck impounded. While customs was wondering about this, a kombi van full of illegal Hezbollah immigrants with boxes of cigarette’s and booze and a trailer loaded with fertilizer & diesel just drove on through. Any way so there is my stock which is urgently required for a BMW dealership & Toronto University [which is already customs cleared] but now stuck on an impounded truck. It’s now Friday and there is no sign of action, so Toronto Pip heads of for the Customs Bonded area to sort it all out. We’ll its like talking to a wall, I try all of my powers of persuasion, then it happens, I get
the “one”, picture the agent with mirror glasses, moustache, he may as well have been wearing jodhpurs’, so Toronto Pip tries a different angle. I start flapping my arms like a wind mill, ranting & raving; I may have mentioned something about fascist customs officers at some point, then it happened, jodhpur boy didn’t like that one bit, I was asked to leave, I refused, I was asked again, I again refused, I was threatened, right back at aye jodhpur boy? It was when he handled his weapon [gun that is, this is a family show] I realised I may have crossed the line slightly, I had forgotten they were armed, silly me really. I was actually physically removed from the premises, arm up my back, and marched out the gate and tossed into the gutter like a in a B-grade movie.
Cousins in Town:
Another visitor from home which is great, Kirsty Rundle [mother Barbara Rundle nee Ross] who has been in British Columbia & Alberta having a blast of a time over winter with her new fiancé Isaac. They arrive in Toronto to a cooler mini heat wave. It’s all good and we set about getting some quality drinking & eating in. Then there’s the standard trip to Niagara Falls [to many times to remember now] but it is still an amazing spectacle. The sights and sounds of Toronto, China town, shopping district etc. All good and we had a blast, drank too much and generally had a great time. It was great for me to have a Kiwi bloke to share the women hassling with. Isaac and I decided we should take the girls to a quality establishment and to be honest the girls did not take much encouragement. As previously explained one of Toronto's top strip clubs is 500m from our apartment so it's all good.
New York "you’re fired"
The owner of the company announced at 4.45pm Monday afternoon that I was flying to New York in the morning for the day to do some dirty work for him. Oh great I say, just what I like to do on a Tuesday. So off I go down to the New York office to give 3 people the don't come Monday speech. I arranged meetings with all three separately and it didn't take a rocket scientist to work out what was up. After I had two out of the way the owner rang up and told me to not fire the last one. She of course was outside waiting for me to call her in. So in she comes already in her mind knowing her fate? I quickly changed tack and told her she had a stay of execution and told her to organise pizza & beer so we could all get liquored up and rejoice. Back to Toronto and few well earned quite ones with the cousie & co.
Baseball:
Still with the young ones we went to the baseball, huge stadium holds about 85,000 to 95,000 humans. Blue Jays [home team] playing the White Sox. Good atmosphere, reasonable crowd, not enough organ music to get us going, the standard Mexican wave, great value [should send up the Eden Park people to see how its done] great seats for only $8.75 per person, a few beers & hotdogs all readily available and an enjoyable 4 hrs of baseball.
Hezbollah:
For once in my life I’m not going to go there???? Di armi atomiche I bastardi. Email me if you want the translation, however when have I ever been diplomatic, it means nuke the bastards in Italian. All complaints can be sent to jujuwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly. So all complaints greatly appreciated.
Lord of the Rings:
Ju and I went to the stage production of “Lord of the Rings” not to be mistaken for our local production “Lord of my Ring” which is quite understandable considering where we live, and that’s a whole story in itself and lets not go there. The actual stage drama was one of the best visual and staged productions I have ever been to. The costumes and special effects were just out of this world. It is a pity really as the critics gave it bad reviews and it has lost millions and is closing at the end of September all because some idiot critic who has his own opinion of what a production should be like. I have offered my services of course, and told them that if the female parts were played naked I could probably stretch it out until the end of October at least.
Racoons & Roadwork’s:
Not to be construed as a related issue however racoons are just as stupid as opossums and you see many of them not make it across the road.
Any how there are two seasons in Canada, winter and construction. Just about every road is being fixed and buildings appear overnight, literally. Its one thing about living in a big city, when they build they build fast.
It’s that time of year and the racoons & squirrels are running, skipping, playing and shagging. If you have ever heard a racoon fight you would know what I mean it’s like a cat fight only 5 times as loud and 10 times as vicious. One night we could here a cat & racoon going at it for a short time then it went quite, I think they shook hands and moved on, however rumour has it that someone has been calling out for jinksey for a week now, I wonder what that means. You can’t help but wake up and see what the hell is going on. It is quite amazing to be living downtown in a city of 6 million people and to have squirrels, racoons, chipmunks & even eagles all right there in your yard.
A Horse called Frank:
Not to be mistaken for his cousin Hank who I had a run in with at the airport. Frank was on duty downtown the other night; it is hilarious as they ride up the main street [like Queen Street only bigger] with a red light flashing on the back of the saddle like a bike light. I always stop to have a chat and the police guys are always pleasant, we reminisced about the days we used to ride in fields, herd cattle etc, I am building up to ask for a ride but may be pushing my luck here all I need is another gun drawing episode. They get a call out and it’s away at full canter up the street, quite a spectacle actually.
Petrol Prices:
Just to piss you all off when paying $1.70 per L +/- at the pump. Last week our price shot up to $1.18 per L, there was an out cry even protests, then someone told Canada that they have the biggest oil field and oil sand capabilities in the world, we rejoiced, even danced in the streets and the best of all THE PRICE DROPPED TO 97c. Imagine that the price actually dropping; try telling that one to Chairman Helen.
That's it for now,
Toronto Pip
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
Sailing, Chicks, a Haka in a Bar and a Horse named Hank: August 1 2006
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Kiaora to all in Kiwiland.
Welcome to another albeit belated "week that was", the insight into the world of Toronto Pip, his trusty, rusty & crusty side-kick Mississauga Juju and don't forget the incorrigible & lovable Montreal McGregor.
There has been a lack of "weeks that were" due to a brain malfunction on my part. In the last 7 weeks Juju & I have been on holiday with Mum & Dad [Niagara Falls (again), Montreal, Nova Scotia, New York & other various places around N.E. North America], plus various road trips, and business travel on my part all of which are in my draft file awaiting final anecdotes, jokes and hope we don't all croak before sending. I will get them to you as soon as possible, I know you can't wait.
However here is my last weeks travel which consisted of 3 states of the US of A, a sailing adventure on lake Michigan, a golf match to be forgotten, a Haka in a bar, rental car blues, don't forget the normal shit fight that is Chicago O'Hare airport [busiest in US at present], beautiful women and a horse called Hank.
LAKE MICHIGAN
So I leave Toronto Monday 4am to fly to Buffalo to connect to Chicago to drive to Milwaukee in Wisconsin, all this done by 10.30 for my first appointment. Meetings go well all day and new rep may be a keeper. I find out that he is a sailing legend in these parts and due to the fact that I am from NZ apparently I am of Americas Cup sailing quality and need to take him out in his yacht and teach him how to sail. Oh great I say "that will be fun, what is your boat", "a Hobie" he replies. "A catamaran" I said, OH NO they developed a yacht that is 36 feet long with a width of only 6 feet, swings a long keel with bugger all lead and if you get it wrong it is spectacular, it sails like a mini version of a current Americas cup boat. So out we go onto the lake, I bark orders and tell people to haul on that, set that, sheet that, pump that, and that was just starting the engine. Needless to say I was on a roll and doing fine SO FAR. Albeit to a crew of 3 including me. The radio
crackled that there was a severe weather warning to the north of us with 50 kt gust and thunder and lightening. So I say lets head north and have a look its what we do in NZ, [mean while my head is thinking of the movie "a perfect storm" although I am sexier than George Looney]. The skies darken the wind gets stronger and the thing we are sailing decides to take on a new lease of life, [needless to say a boat that is 36' long and only 6' wide makes like a knife and or submarine like characteristics] It starts to blow 20kt's constant and we are doing about that down wind, of course the owner and crew are happy because Kiwi sailing expert boy is at the helm. Then we get a gust which lays us flat keel out of the water, it makes for exciting vocabulary [more yelling haul on that, let that go, cut that, don't drop that (my rum), after a few strikes of lightening to close for comfort we all decide to go like the wind back to the marina and call it a day. I don't know what they
think about NZ's sailing ability, however you can rest assured that we are all mad, stay calm under pressure, and never spill a drink no matter what the circumstances are.
THE GOLF
Then its onto Minneapolis, Minnesota. More meetings all good and they decide to take me to play golf. All good I say. However the heat wave in North America means that our 12pm tee off is in 37 degrees with no wind and humid-ex at 42 degrees. It has to be the hottest temperatures I have play any sport in. Then add to that a golf course that requires 7 holes to carry 180 to 200 yards over water or reeds, 15 of the 18 had either water or trees or both down each side of the fairway & and 2 par 3's that required a driver to reach. As Jack Nicolas or Mark Twain once said "a good walk ruined". Enough said, and don't even ask.
AIRPORT, RENTAL CAR.
Then its back to Chicago, drop the car of at rental company only to remember I had forgotten to fill it up, rental car companies like to charge double the pump rate so $6.60 a gallon later I am on my way. Glad I didn't inform them of the scratch and dent in the oil pan, but that's another story.
Airport has about 250,000 people all trying to check in, get through bloody security, find there gate, hope its all going well and move on. This all on account that the radar had failed, there were thunderstorms and about 200 flights the previous night and through out the day had been canned. So smooth sailing for Mr. Wood, OHH NO not me, I have to get special treatment. I get selected for a special security screening, [must be my fake pass port name Akbar CamelPip MeccaMasefield HussainWood, I knew I should have taken the Fess off when I had the photo taken]. They take you aside search your bags, rub you down and you pray that no one says bend over while they are putting on a rubber glove. Needless to say I miss my flight. That's OK as they have 7 more this evening. No sir we are booked solid, I can wait-list you on the 12.20am. At this point there are two options, act like an idiot and shout, scream, even cry OR head for the bar. I chose option two.
THE BAR, THE HAKA, THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
I get to the bar to find thousands of other travellers in the same predicament. I chose a quite corner where there is a family including grand parents all having a nice time. We get talking the usual, we start laughing, drinking etc. They are on holiday and heading for a dude ranch [horse farm] the next thing I know I am being invited to come along, I don't think the banshee would be too impressed with that one eh? As we get louder we start to gather a good sized group of people, then she walks in the second women of my dreams [first spot taken by she devil, I had to say that though, really] she sees the harmless family and moves on over. Fantastic we all start talking and getting on famously, she then invites me to Rhode Island for the week end [now she who must be obeyed would seriously be unhappy], I try to come up with a compromise in that she joins us all at the dude ranch. Onto my 5th rum and some idiot in the bar says don't you Kiwi's have some war dance you are
always doing, that's all I need, next thing you know I.m up on the bar going hell for leather and giving it my all, including tongue and that's just with Miss Rhode Island, I refuse to do the new throat slitting thing as I think it is stupid. Miss Rhode Island is suitable impressed that's a real bugger, as are the dude ranchers and most of the bar. Some many hours later I am informed I am on the 9.20pm flight home, reluctantly I fly to Buffalo to connect to Toronto.
A HORSE NAMED HANK.
I arrive back in Toronto at 12.30am, fly out the door and smack straight into a horse with a policeman sitting on his back, trying not to appear to inebriated I strike up a conversation to which the horse tells me his name is Hank, nice horse, I ask him if has ever been to a dude ranch, or Rhode Island, he says no to both, we part in different ways, and I head home to Miss New Zealand and Montreal McGregor.
Cheers & love to all.
Toronto Pip
Kiaora to all in Kiwiland.
Welcome to another albeit belated "week that was", the insight into the world of Toronto Pip, his trusty, rusty & crusty side-kick Mississauga Juju and don't forget the incorrigible & lovable Montreal McGregor.
There has been a lack of "weeks that were" due to a brain malfunction on my part. In the last 7 weeks Juju & I have been on holiday with Mum & Dad [Niagara Falls (again), Montreal, Nova Scotia, New York & other various places around N.E. North America], plus various road trips, and business travel on my part all of which are in my draft file awaiting final anecdotes, jokes and hope we don't all croak before sending. I will get them to you as soon as possible, I know you can't wait.
However here is my last weeks travel which consisted of 3 states of the US of A, a sailing adventure on lake Michigan, a golf match to be forgotten, a Haka in a bar, rental car blues, don't forget the normal shit fight that is Chicago O'Hare airport [busiest in US at present], beautiful women and a horse called Hank.
LAKE MICHIGAN
So I leave Toronto Monday 4am to fly to Buffalo to connect to Chicago to drive to Milwaukee in Wisconsin, all this done by 10.30 for my first appointment. Meetings go well all day and new rep may be a keeper. I find out that he is a sailing legend in these parts and due to the fact that I am from NZ apparently I am of Americas Cup sailing quality and need to take him out in his yacht and teach him how to sail. Oh great I say "that will be fun, what is your boat", "a Hobie" he replies. "A catamaran" I said, OH NO they developed a yacht that is 36 feet long with a width of only 6 feet, swings a long keel with bugger all lead and if you get it wrong it is spectacular, it sails like a mini version of a current Americas cup boat. So out we go onto the lake, I bark orders and tell people to haul on that, set that, sheet that, pump that, and that was just starting the engine. Needless to say I was on a roll and doing fine SO FAR. Albeit to a crew of 3 including me. The radio
crackled that there was a severe weather warning to the north of us with 50 kt gust and thunder and lightening. So I say lets head north and have a look its what we do in NZ, [mean while my head is thinking of the movie "a perfect storm" although I am sexier than George Looney]. The skies darken the wind gets stronger and the thing we are sailing decides to take on a new lease of life, [needless to say a boat that is 36' long and only 6' wide makes like a knife and or submarine like characteristics] It starts to blow 20kt's constant and we are doing about that down wind, of course the owner and crew are happy because Kiwi sailing expert boy is at the helm. Then we get a gust which lays us flat keel out of the water, it makes for exciting vocabulary [more yelling haul on that, let that go, cut that, don't drop that (my rum), after a few strikes of lightening to close for comfort we all decide to go like the wind back to the marina and call it a day. I don't know what they
think about NZ's sailing ability, however you can rest assured that we are all mad, stay calm under pressure, and never spill a drink no matter what the circumstances are.
THE GOLF
Then its onto Minneapolis, Minnesota. More meetings all good and they decide to take me to play golf. All good I say. However the heat wave in North America means that our 12pm tee off is in 37 degrees with no wind and humid-ex at 42 degrees. It has to be the hottest temperatures I have play any sport in. Then add to that a golf course that requires 7 holes to carry 180 to 200 yards over water or reeds, 15 of the 18 had either water or trees or both down each side of the fairway & and 2 par 3's that required a driver to reach. As Jack Nicolas or Mark Twain once said "a good walk ruined". Enough said, and don't even ask.
AIRPORT, RENTAL CAR.
Then its back to Chicago, drop the car of at rental company only to remember I had forgotten to fill it up, rental car companies like to charge double the pump rate so $6.60 a gallon later I am on my way. Glad I didn't inform them of the scratch and dent in the oil pan, but that's another story.
Airport has about 250,000 people all trying to check in, get through bloody security, find there gate, hope its all going well and move on. This all on account that the radar had failed, there were thunderstorms and about 200 flights the previous night and through out the day had been canned. So smooth sailing for Mr. Wood, OHH NO not me, I have to get special treatment. I get selected for a special security screening, [must be my fake pass port name Akbar CamelPip MeccaMasefield HussainWood, I knew I should have taken the Fess off when I had the photo taken]. They take you aside search your bags, rub you down and you pray that no one says bend over while they are putting on a rubber glove. Needless to say I miss my flight. That's OK as they have 7 more this evening. No sir we are booked solid, I can wait-list you on the 12.20am. At this point there are two options, act like an idiot and shout, scream, even cry OR head for the bar. I chose option two.
THE BAR, THE HAKA, THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
I get to the bar to find thousands of other travellers in the same predicament. I chose a quite corner where there is a family including grand parents all having a nice time. We get talking the usual, we start laughing, drinking etc. They are on holiday and heading for a dude ranch [horse farm] the next thing I know I am being invited to come along, I don't think the banshee would be too impressed with that one eh? As we get louder we start to gather a good sized group of people, then she walks in the second women of my dreams [first spot taken by she devil, I had to say that though, really] she sees the harmless family and moves on over. Fantastic we all start talking and getting on famously, she then invites me to Rhode Island for the week end [now she who must be obeyed would seriously be unhappy], I try to come up with a compromise in that she joins us all at the dude ranch. Onto my 5th rum and some idiot in the bar says don't you Kiwi's have some war dance you are
always doing, that's all I need, next thing you know I.m up on the bar going hell for leather and giving it my all, including tongue and that's just with Miss Rhode Island, I refuse to do the new throat slitting thing as I think it is stupid. Miss Rhode Island is suitable impressed that's a real bugger, as are the dude ranchers and most of the bar. Some many hours later I am informed I am on the 9.20pm flight home, reluctantly I fly to Buffalo to connect to Toronto.
A HORSE NAMED HANK.
I arrive back in Toronto at 12.30am, fly out the door and smack straight into a horse with a policeman sitting on his back, trying not to appear to inebriated I strike up a conversation to which the horse tells me his name is Hank, nice horse, I ask him if has ever been to a dude ranch, or Rhode Island, he says no to both, we part in different ways, and I head home to Miss New Zealand and Montreal McGregor.
Cheers & love to all.
Toronto Pip
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