Keeping it Real and Living the Dream: May 25 2006

Hi All in Aoteoroa,


Crikey its been a while, and I know you have missed me and my weekly jejune missive’s of the life & times of Toronto Pip, and his rusty [early stages of senior moments] sidekick Mississauga Juju, and the one and only [bird magnet] Montreal McGregor. So paint me red and call me rusty the absence was noted, documented and even phone calls were made, what could be the reason for the absence of said memo. Could be because nothing is happening [unlikely], or I have had writers block [some say it's a shame that my mouth doesn't follow suit], or just plain to bloody busy at work & play. But that's the way it is sometimes, some call it life, welcome to my world I say. So sit back with a beer, red wine, vanilla wine, super whine [wife] and enjoy another long winded [wife again] “the weeks that were”.



So, it’s been about 3 weeks eh. So let me recap on the main events with a little bit of light humour thrown in for superfluous value. Ooh, you just know its going to be good when I start using big words that I have no idea what they mean.

Just an insight into my wonderful world of work, travel, fun & games, the company accountant has just informed me that in the last 365 days, I have stayed in a hotel 122 times, flown 35 different airlines on 65 flights and hired 45 compact rental cars.

At a glance;

4.5 months [1/3 of the year] away.

30 airports.

10 days of flying time.

86 days in a rental car.

So as you can see its not all fun & games. Well actually it’s not that bad but sympathy is a wonderful thing, and I’m sure Mississauga Juju sees my so called business trips a cause for great enjoyment. Ju & her jessie mates get together drink and bitch about men and all that jazz.



I have endured another trip to Detroit, Michigan. Bullet proof vest and Remington at the ready, you know it’s a safe place when you walk out the door of the hotel give the doorman $1 tip only to be told I wouldn’t go passed the end of the building in either direction, no seriously. Had an important meeting with Motor City Casino, what an eye opener, 10am in the morning and it is packed, buffet is full of already large Americans eating waffles and pancakes, and not to be to rude [most unlike me] it looks like not one of them should be there or in the casino betting either. And this all on a Wednesday, bloody scary.

Then onto my famous meetings with GM [General Motors for you slow ones], through security screen 1, get given a locker where you store your gun and vest, then screen 2 where they pat you down, then up for the meeting. This is my favourite part, no holds bared in looking after a guest. Its Crispy Creme Donuts and a 2 gallon cardboard box of coffee that is yet again undrinkable, the coffee cartel [don't care as they are making millions] and their growers [who get about a cent per pound] would be ashamed. They all laugh and say things like you British are so funny with your tea? I’m from f...king New Zealand you ignorant mid-west inbred, and if George Bush is all that you can come up with its sad, and the only reason I want tea is because contrary to what you all think your coffee is crap and not everything in the USA is better or bigger than the rest of the world. Anyhow managed to secure a good two year contract with GM for all there car dealerships and travelling car show

stages.

Down to Toledo in my quest to find Clinger [M.A.S.H], its sad Toledo at one time was a great city, now it is a ghost town, almost worse than Detroit. Into Ohio for a quick lets see if our distributor is still up to it or should we find a rep, distributor 0 rep 1. This will have to wait until after my holiday. Visited the Cleveland music "Rock Hall of Fame" listed as one of the attractions one should see in life. Pretty amazing really, will take the she devil their soon.

Through Pennsylvania to see if the combine harvesters have been rolled out ready for action. They are quite fun to drive actually, but it does pay to ask first, [not allowed back in Pennsylvania for 90 days].

Then down to Buffalo where they are famous for there wings [buffalo wings, for you slow ones]. Trying to find a rep or distributor here is like the Blues scoring a try, near impossible."GO THE HURRICANES".

They do how ever have a very well recognized art gallery, wonders never cease to amaze me. Ooh look there's Niagara Falls over to the left [17 times].



As you are aware we live in a very social area of Toronto [happy & gay so to speak], and it has been suggested that my proclivity in that direction has escaped no ones attention. We’ll I can say to you that don’t knock it until you have tried it? And it still remains the only place in the world that when we go out I get the free drinks. It is also very handy for dog walking and dog day care when required.

Speaking of McGregor, he has become a bit of a celebrity. He works in the famous Toronto Cook Book store where all they sell is cook books? Celebrity chefs from all over North America & beyond come and do book signings etc. Mac has been filmed 3 or 4 times and has even been included in some photo shoots. To the dismay of the manager there are even people who come into buy books only if he is in residence. He also has some girl friends who visit and I can only thank god I whipped his knackers off [sad but true] otherwise there would already be Westiedoddles or Bichionesties running amuck.



Mum & Dad are up next week, so that will be fantastic, can't wait. So the standard Niagara Falls [18 times], then the site and sounds of Toronto, lets see if we can get Mum up the CN Tower at 535m which is still the tallest free standing structure in the world. Then Montreal to hassle the Quebec qua, especially in the old port [French quarter]. Then across to Nova Scotia to hunt down some bloke called McGregor. Down to New York for a week, museum's, shops, galleries, that will probably kill us all, and then we will take in a leisurely stroll around a golf course, while watching the US OPEN, and some Maori boy do his stuff. I do hope Tiger turns up, I can't wait to hell "BE THE BALL" on his down stroke and see what the reaction is from fellow kiwi Mike. I will take my chances with security also and do the Haka in the middle of the 18th fairway, so watch the golf on Saturday you may see me.



Any how, that's all for now, send me some of your own news, its always good to here news from Aoteoroa. I'll send a couple of photo's soon, one of me with the future Mrs Wood, and one of me & McGregor at Stratford on Avon, both looking thoroughly at wick's end with the banshee.



And just remember, "KEEP IT REAL" oh god I'm turning into a North American, however I am LIVING THE DREAM.



Love to you all,

Toronto pip