Bumps and Grumps from Toronto June 27 2005

Hi All,


Welcome to "the week that was" its going to be a big

one so get your favourite beverage ready and sit down

and enjoy the ride. I will get the serious stuff out

of the way first.



I have started a "Save The Toronto Pip Fund" on

account of Julie's actions & indiscretions of past

weeks, [all donations gratefully accepted, TD Canada

Trust] Juju has wanted to keep it quiet, however I

feel I need to get it out in the open so that we can

move on. [No its not divorce, chance would be a good

thing].



Juju had an accident last week, she committed the

cardinal sin of Toronto, [ran over the "sacred cow"

that is the pedestrian / cyclist]. In ju's case a

cyclist [the cyclist died, but that's life, {just

jokes before any of you get to upset}] took a tumble,

minor scratches etc. Anyway, the down side is the car

sustained damage, dents, scratches, no wing mirror [or

up here side mirror], no one knows what a f...ing wing

mirror is?.

However isn't it funny how the guy in the Mazda

dealership knew exactly what a "wing nut" was, oh no

didn't know what a bloody "wing mirror" was but knew

exactly what a "wing nut" is [ for those of you who

are struggling, here is a hint. There are a couple of

billion of them up east way, the ones that are taking

over the world, you just can't see it yet] that's why

you are putting up with Chairman Helen [you will all

receive a little red book soon]??



So not only is our car insurance about 1 million a

year, Ju is banned from driving, she has been arrested

and charged with attempted murder, I was able to visit

her in the slammer over the weekend, but it was too

hot for conjugal rights. [Attorneys are expensive here

so please send donations].



We'll we are again in the middle of another f...ing

heat wave [36 to 40 degrees], its so hot I have

actually seen pigeons just fall from the sky, the rest

just sit around and don't move, even McGregor has

given up the chase, its seems its no fun when they

don't move [It's a pity his stupid dad doesn't give up

bird watching, and give up the chase on the local

wildlife].



Even the "rag-heads" here have taken off their

turbans, which has temporarily stopped my standard

approach of going up to them and saying "I hope your

head gets better soon" [they don't get it].



Then there's the Indian dairy owner Mr Putt-putt

Ding-ding [picture this with an Indian accent, I DON'T

CARE IF YOUR BLIND, YOU CANNOT BE BRINGING YOUR DOG IN

HERE, ESPECIALLY TO HAVE HIM TASTE TEST THE MEAT

PRODUCTS]



In another shop the Asian owner Mr Dim Sum his wife

Mrs Dim Sum and all the little Dim Sum's, [Mr Dim Sum

been busy with his spring roll?] said I DON'T BELIEVE

YOU ARE BLIND AND THAT YOUR DOG IS A SEEING EYE DOG [I

suppose standing there swinging my head from side to

side in a mock Stevie Wonder way while reading a

Penthouse helped on that one].



Its so hot that even the devout Muslim woman here have

abandoned there traditional head-covers [I kind of

wish a few hadn't, camel ugly, actually the camel

would be a better option], my commenting out loud

about this as well as a very unappreciated

impersonation of a howling fundamentalist [complete

with Allah Akbar's], has meant that the NZ and Middle

Eastern relations in our neighbourhood are strained at

this time.



Its so hot I have even had to back of on the jiggy

jiggy [for fear of heat exhaustion and a heart attack]

I must ask Juju if she feels the same way, when and if

she gets out.



It was good to see the All Blacks get it together and

give old Sir Clive's bunch a good beating. We were

able to get it live, however I feel asleep as it was

3am and I had been out with the gay boys to try and

kill my summer flu, [it didn't work] but had a great

night out. Yes I have the flu, its a ripper and has

temporarily stopped my travel plans.



We have just had the pride parade, the biggest gay

march in the world [500,000 to 1 million people] I

have never seen so many people, Ju couldn't handle it

and then there was the heat and numbers of people, she

had to bail, and I have to admit I was over it after

Friday night. However the sights were in many respects

unbelievable [literally] and even for someone as

deviant and strange as me I managed to learn a few

things myself.



You have to picture downtown Toronto they actually

shut off a fair piece of the city for 3 days, our

apartment was smack in the middle and the street was

shut.

Auckland's mayor [you know the cereal rapist {think

about it and the way it is spelt}, Mayor Rice Bubble

Nose] needs to come and take some lessons about how to

run a town.

It finished last night around 12 mid-night and this

morning when I went to work it was like it had never

happened. The streets were clean, no debris, no closed

roads, no signs of a huge 3 day party. There are so

many events coming up, Indy in downtown [no one

complaining that they won't be able to get to or from

work here] they just do it, jazz festival, food

festival, Greek festival, Italy festival, French,

Polish, Botswana etc etc etc.



We have a long weekend, Friday is Canada Day? Then our

friends south of the border celebrate "4th July" on

Monday.

So huge fireworks displays, I can't wait as you can

still buy sky rockets [remember them] big ones too

that explode with a huge star cluster [just like in

Baghdad].

You can also buy crackers [remember them, however up

here they are like small hand grenades] I'm going to

throw one in Dim Sum's door and see if I can't flush

him out, the Muslims were intrigued with my rocket

launcher on the deck until they worked out it was

aimed at them?



Anyway that's all for now [thank god they all say] I

may send a select few the unedited version of Pride

Weekend, complete with photo's??



Cheers for now,

Toronto Pip

[pyrotechnics's expert]

That ought to keep the Toronto Fire Dept busy.

Chicago and Detroit. June 2005

Hi All,

"WELCOME TO THE WEEK THAT WAS",

Sorry I've been a bit quiet of late,  I've been travelling around the top half of the US of A.

For those of you who have to travel with work you'll understand [I think], for those of you who don't, just try and picture this. [just try].

You know when you wake up on the morning you travel and you pack your bag [you just can't wait to get away from the she devil]!. You have 5 days of travelling so 6 pairs of undies just in case, [think about what your Grannie used to say], 6 shirts, 3 ties, shoes, socks etc etc.

Then the toilet bag, razor, smellies, moisturizer, blood pressure pills [to get over the she devil] etc etc.

Well you have to think differently when travelling to Detroit. My favourite city?!

I wake up and think DETROIT [oh shit why me], ok, undies [ 8 pairs, you know your going to need them], shirts, ties, steel cap boots, bullet proof vest, gun & holster, bullet proof rental car.

Toilet bag is replaced by all of the above plus a full triage bag including defibrillator, blood clotting agents etc etc.

It is still the only city that scares me! It is still the only city that I can get thoroughly lost in!  Roads signs don't make sense and come hell or high water you don't stop and ask for directions. Even of the police [they are just weary of everybody, you can't blame them] they shoot first and then find alibi's later.

I had to spend two days in Chicago, which was great as I got to see allot of the central city. Well as my old mate "Ol Blue Eyes" said [Frank Sinatra slow ones] own words, "Chicago, Chicago Its My Kind Of Town". Quite frankly its beautiful [for those who have been there you understand]. The architecture in downtown is fantastic, there's a series of rivers [you can take river taxi's] and the whole city is very clean. And to top it of they have 100 world rated 5-star restaurants, and they are building restaurants at a rate of 2 per week [mind boggling really].

I was visiting the NeoCon designer show [a 12 story building full of the most fantastic of new innovations in all things designer and architectural].

Both these cities have water fronts [only they are fresh water lakes] however so large that when you fly across them you fly for nearly 45 minuets to get the other side.

We are experiencing some good old big country weather.The short lived but very violent storms, thunder & lightning are fascinating and fantastically dramatic [fork & amp; sheet lightning and thunder like you have never heard] and all during a heat wave as we have not had the temperature below 24 degrees c, even at night.

I had a fairly exciting flight into Detroit were I am positive that the plane was struck by lightning, I have never heard a more deafening bang inside an aircraft in my life [it had to be into Detroit didn't it]. Just so you can feel sorry for me here is one day in the travel of.

Wake up at 5.30am, catch shuttle to Detroit Metro airport. Get treated like you have just arrived at Guam Tana-mo Bay [I apparently look like a terrorist], get to gate to find that everything is ready, [except no one told the co-pilot that he had a flight]. Leave one hour late fly to Milwaukee, Wisconsin [not so bad as you change time zones, and arrive not long after you leave]. Do a full days business then catch a flight back. This leaves at 8pm however no one told the maintenance dept that the plane was due to fly out so you leave an hour late. Arrive Detroit [again????] at 1am. Wait 1 hour for hotel shuttle. [then wait another half an hour as they discuss the legal aspects of getting an overweight american woman into the coach without a crane [my advise & dialogue at this point didn't help, and Rick can you help me out I need an attorney]

Anyway I am bloody tired now so am going to go to sleep [that's that thing you normal people do]. I have to go to Cleveland, Ohio and then Buffalo, New York tomorrow.

More adventures to look forward to consist of California and London. Of which I have to visit both in the next couple of weeks. So stay tuned for more adventures from the Toronto Kid.

Oh shit I forgot, had a huge night out on the go go juice last weekend, I managed to bump into the English rugby team [minus the Lion's Lad's] at a bar owned by a Kiwi [Martin McScimmins, a bad mix, and meant for a large night], one of the English team was a Kiwi from Wellington [Perry Freshwater] great guy. Many Haka's later and some good old english ribbing and all was well.

That's all for now, and as for you useless ones who don't email back, it won't kill you, IT's NOT LIKE

YOUR TRAVELLING IN DETROIT OR ANYTHING?

Love to you all,

Toronto Pip.

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