Kiaora
Tin-a-cocoa, Tin-a-coffee, Cup-o-soup! And lashings of throat slitting, eh.
How are you all in Kiwiland, “land of the long white cloud”?
It is I Toronto Pip here in Canada, where on the East coast it is a unique experience to find a hill, let alone a mountain, no complaints however as it is also the land of the long clear summer. Some rain would be nice. I have been here 1.5 years and have not had a full day’s rain yet. I digress.
Welcome to another episode of “The Week That Was” an exciting parable of Toronto Pip, his wonderful side-kick Mississauga Juju and the babe magnet that is Montreal McGregor. Unfortunately in my area that may mean the wrong type of babe.
This episode consists of Customs officers, visiting cousins, New York "you’re fired", Hezbollah, Petrol prices, Baseball, Lord of the Rings, Racoons, Road works, and a horse called Frank? Plus the usual anecdotes that make up the life & times of Toronto Pip.
Customs:
It goes a bit like this, truck from our New Jersey (USA) warehouse [Wed] to our warehouse [Thurs] in Mississauga (CANADA) is stopped at boarder because of the rubber flooring contraband that I been obviously shipping back and forth [someone else’s cargo actually]. Truck driver lies and says he is a bonded agent, truck leaves and when he arrives in Mississauga is apprehended and his truck impounded. While customs was wondering about this, a kombi van full of illegal Hezbollah immigrants with boxes of cigarette’s and booze and a trailer loaded with fertilizer & diesel just drove on through. Any way so there is my stock which is urgently required for a BMW dealership & Toronto University [which is already customs cleared] but now stuck on an impounded truck. It’s now Friday and there is no sign of action, so Toronto Pip heads of for the Customs Bonded area to sort it all out. We’ll its like talking to a wall, I try all of my powers of persuasion, then it happens, I get
the “one”, picture the agent with mirror glasses, moustache, he may as well have been wearing jodhpurs’, so Toronto Pip tries a different angle. I start flapping my arms like a wind mill, ranting & raving; I may have mentioned something about fascist customs officers at some point, then it happened, jodhpur boy didn’t like that one bit, I was asked to leave, I refused, I was asked again, I again refused, I was threatened, right back at aye jodhpur boy? It was when he handled his weapon [gun that is, this is a family show] I realised I may have crossed the line slightly, I had forgotten they were armed, silly me really. I was actually physically removed from the premises, arm up my back, and marched out the gate and tossed into the gutter like a in a B-grade movie.
Cousins in Town:
Another visitor from home which is great, Kirsty Rundle [mother Barbara Rundle nee Ross] who has been in British Columbia & Alberta having a blast of a time over winter with her new fiancé Isaac. They arrive in Toronto to a cooler mini heat wave. It’s all good and we set about getting some quality drinking & eating in. Then there’s the standard trip to Niagara Falls [to many times to remember now] but it is still an amazing spectacle. The sights and sounds of Toronto, China town, shopping district etc. All good and we had a blast, drank too much and generally had a great time. It was great for me to have a Kiwi bloke to share the women hassling with. Isaac and I decided we should take the girls to a quality establishment and to be honest the girls did not take much encouragement. As previously explained one of Toronto's top strip clubs is 500m from our apartment so it's all good.
New York "you’re fired"
The owner of the company announced at 4.45pm Monday afternoon that I was flying to New York in the morning for the day to do some dirty work for him. Oh great I say, just what I like to do on a Tuesday. So off I go down to the New York office to give 3 people the don't come Monday speech. I arranged meetings with all three separately and it didn't take a rocket scientist to work out what was up. After I had two out of the way the owner rang up and told me to not fire the last one. She of course was outside waiting for me to call her in. So in she comes already in her mind knowing her fate? I quickly changed tack and told her she had a stay of execution and told her to organise pizza & beer so we could all get liquored up and rejoice. Back to Toronto and few well earned quite ones with the cousie & co.
Baseball:
Still with the young ones we went to the baseball, huge stadium holds about 85,000 to 95,000 humans. Blue Jays [home team] playing the White Sox. Good atmosphere, reasonable crowd, not enough organ music to get us going, the standard Mexican wave, great value [should send up the Eden Park people to see how its done] great seats for only $8.75 per person, a few beers & hotdogs all readily available and an enjoyable 4 hrs of baseball.
Hezbollah:
For once in my life I’m not going to go there???? Di armi atomiche I bastardi. Email me if you want the translation, however when have I ever been diplomatic, it means nuke the bastards in Italian. All complaints can be sent to jujuwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly. So all complaints greatly appreciated.
Lord of the Rings:
Ju and I went to the stage production of “Lord of the Rings” not to be mistaken for our local production “Lord of my Ring” which is quite understandable considering where we live, and that’s a whole story in itself and lets not go there. The actual stage drama was one of the best visual and staged productions I have ever been to. The costumes and special effects were just out of this world. It is a pity really as the critics gave it bad reviews and it has lost millions and is closing at the end of September all because some idiot critic who has his own opinion of what a production should be like. I have offered my services of course, and told them that if the female parts were played naked I could probably stretch it out until the end of October at least.
Racoons & Roadwork’s:
Not to be construed as a related issue however racoons are just as stupid as opossums and you see many of them not make it across the road.
Any how there are two seasons in Canada, winter and construction. Just about every road is being fixed and buildings appear overnight, literally. Its one thing about living in a big city, when they build they build fast.
It’s that time of year and the racoons & squirrels are running, skipping, playing and shagging. If you have ever heard a racoon fight you would know what I mean it’s like a cat fight only 5 times as loud and 10 times as vicious. One night we could here a cat & racoon going at it for a short time then it went quite, I think they shook hands and moved on, however rumour has it that someone has been calling out for jinksey for a week now, I wonder what that means. You can’t help but wake up and see what the hell is going on. It is quite amazing to be living downtown in a city of 6 million people and to have squirrels, racoons, chipmunks & even eagles all right there in your yard.
A Horse called Frank:
Not to be mistaken for his cousin Hank who I had a run in with at the airport. Frank was on duty downtown the other night; it is hilarious as they ride up the main street [like Queen Street only bigger] with a red light flashing on the back of the saddle like a bike light. I always stop to have a chat and the police guys are always pleasant, we reminisced about the days we used to ride in fields, herd cattle etc, I am building up to ask for a ride but may be pushing my luck here all I need is another gun drawing episode. They get a call out and it’s away at full canter up the street, quite a spectacle actually.
Petrol Prices:
Just to piss you all off when paying $1.70 per L +/- at the pump. Last week our price shot up to $1.18 per L, there was an out cry even protests, then someone told Canada that they have the biggest oil field and oil sand capabilities in the world, we rejoiced, even danced in the streets and the best of all THE PRICE DROPPED TO 97c. Imagine that the price actually dropping; try telling that one to Chairman Helen.
That's it for now,
Toronto Pip
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
Sailing, Chicks, a Haka in a Bar and a Horse named Hank: August 1 2006
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kiaora to all in Kiwiland.
Welcome to another albeit belated "week that was", the insight into the world of Toronto Pip, his trusty, rusty & crusty side-kick Mississauga Juju and don't forget the incorrigible & lovable Montreal McGregor.
There has been a lack of "weeks that were" due to a brain malfunction on my part. In the last 7 weeks Juju & I have been on holiday with Mum & Dad [Niagara Falls (again), Montreal, Nova Scotia, New York & other various places around N.E. North America], plus various road trips, and business travel on my part all of which are in my draft file awaiting final anecdotes, jokes and hope we don't all croak before sending. I will get them to you as soon as possible, I know you can't wait.
However here is my last weeks travel which consisted of 3 states of the US of A, a sailing adventure on lake Michigan, a golf match to be forgotten, a Haka in a bar, rental car blues, don't forget the normal shit fight that is Chicago O'Hare airport [busiest in US at present], beautiful women and a horse called Hank.
LAKE MICHIGAN
So I leave Toronto Monday 4am to fly to Buffalo to connect to Chicago to drive to Milwaukee in Wisconsin, all this done by 10.30 for my first appointment. Meetings go well all day and new rep may be a keeper. I find out that he is a sailing legend in these parts and due to the fact that I am from NZ apparently I am of Americas Cup sailing quality and need to take him out in his yacht and teach him how to sail. Oh great I say "that will be fun, what is your boat", "a Hobie" he replies. "A catamaran" I said, OH NO they developed a yacht that is 36 feet long with a width of only 6 feet, swings a long keel with bugger all lead and if you get it wrong it is spectacular, it sails like a mini version of a current Americas cup boat. So out we go onto the lake, I bark orders and tell people to haul on that, set that, sheet that, pump that, and that was just starting the engine. Needless to say I was on a roll and doing fine SO FAR. Albeit to a crew of 3 including me. The radio
crackled that there was a severe weather warning to the north of us with 50 kt gust and thunder and lightening. So I say lets head north and have a look its what we do in NZ, [mean while my head is thinking of the movie "a perfect storm" although I am sexier than George Looney]. The skies darken the wind gets stronger and the thing we are sailing decides to take on a new lease of life, [needless to say a boat that is 36' long and only 6' wide makes like a knife and or submarine like characteristics] It starts to blow 20kt's constant and we are doing about that down wind, of course the owner and crew are happy because Kiwi sailing expert boy is at the helm. Then we get a gust which lays us flat keel out of the water, it makes for exciting vocabulary [more yelling haul on that, let that go, cut that, don't drop that (my rum), after a few strikes of lightening to close for comfort we all decide to go like the wind back to the marina and call it a day. I don't know what they
think about NZ's sailing ability, however you can rest assured that we are all mad, stay calm under pressure, and never spill a drink no matter what the circumstances are.
THE GOLF
Then its onto Minneapolis, Minnesota. More meetings all good and they decide to take me to play golf. All good I say. However the heat wave in North America means that our 12pm tee off is in 37 degrees with no wind and humid-ex at 42 degrees. It has to be the hottest temperatures I have play any sport in. Then add to that a golf course that requires 7 holes to carry 180 to 200 yards over water or reeds, 15 of the 18 had either water or trees or both down each side of the fairway & and 2 par 3's that required a driver to reach. As Jack Nicolas or Mark Twain once said "a good walk ruined". Enough said, and don't even ask.
AIRPORT, RENTAL CAR.
Then its back to Chicago, drop the car of at rental company only to remember I had forgotten to fill it up, rental car companies like to charge double the pump rate so $6.60 a gallon later I am on my way. Glad I didn't inform them of the scratch and dent in the oil pan, but that's another story.
Airport has about 250,000 people all trying to check in, get through bloody security, find there gate, hope its all going well and move on. This all on account that the radar had failed, there were thunderstorms and about 200 flights the previous night and through out the day had been canned. So smooth sailing for Mr. Wood, OHH NO not me, I have to get special treatment. I get selected for a special security screening, [must be my fake pass port name Akbar CamelPip MeccaMasefield HussainWood, I knew I should have taken the Fess off when I had the photo taken]. They take you aside search your bags, rub you down and you pray that no one says bend over while they are putting on a rubber glove. Needless to say I miss my flight. That's OK as they have 7 more this evening. No sir we are booked solid, I can wait-list you on the 12.20am. At this point there are two options, act like an idiot and shout, scream, even cry OR head for the bar. I chose option two.
THE BAR, THE HAKA, THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
I get to the bar to find thousands of other travellers in the same predicament. I chose a quite corner where there is a family including grand parents all having a nice time. We get talking the usual, we start laughing, drinking etc. They are on holiday and heading for a dude ranch [horse farm] the next thing I know I am being invited to come along, I don't think the banshee would be too impressed with that one eh? As we get louder we start to gather a good sized group of people, then she walks in the second women of my dreams [first spot taken by she devil, I had to say that though, really] she sees the harmless family and moves on over. Fantastic we all start talking and getting on famously, she then invites me to Rhode Island for the week end [now she who must be obeyed would seriously be unhappy], I try to come up with a compromise in that she joins us all at the dude ranch. Onto my 5th rum and some idiot in the bar says don't you Kiwi's have some war dance you are
always doing, that's all I need, next thing you know I.m up on the bar going hell for leather and giving it my all, including tongue and that's just with Miss Rhode Island, I refuse to do the new throat slitting thing as I think it is stupid. Miss Rhode Island is suitable impressed that's a real bugger, as are the dude ranchers and most of the bar. Some many hours later I am informed I am on the 9.20pm flight home, reluctantly I fly to Buffalo to connect to Toronto.
A HORSE NAMED HANK.
I arrive back in Toronto at 12.30am, fly out the door and smack straight into a horse with a policeman sitting on his back, trying not to appear to inebriated I strike up a conversation to which the horse tells me his name is Hank, nice horse, I ask him if has ever been to a dude ranch, or Rhode Island, he says no to both, we part in different ways, and I head home to Miss New Zealand and Montreal McGregor.
Cheers & love to all.
Toronto Pip
Kiaora to all in Kiwiland.
Welcome to another albeit belated "week that was", the insight into the world of Toronto Pip, his trusty, rusty & crusty side-kick Mississauga Juju and don't forget the incorrigible & lovable Montreal McGregor.
There has been a lack of "weeks that were" due to a brain malfunction on my part. In the last 7 weeks Juju & I have been on holiday with Mum & Dad [Niagara Falls (again), Montreal, Nova Scotia, New York & other various places around N.E. North America], plus various road trips, and business travel on my part all of which are in my draft file awaiting final anecdotes, jokes and hope we don't all croak before sending. I will get them to you as soon as possible, I know you can't wait.
However here is my last weeks travel which consisted of 3 states of the US of A, a sailing adventure on lake Michigan, a golf match to be forgotten, a Haka in a bar, rental car blues, don't forget the normal shit fight that is Chicago O'Hare airport [busiest in US at present], beautiful women and a horse called Hank.
LAKE MICHIGAN
So I leave Toronto Monday 4am to fly to Buffalo to connect to Chicago to drive to Milwaukee in Wisconsin, all this done by 10.30 for my first appointment. Meetings go well all day and new rep may be a keeper. I find out that he is a sailing legend in these parts and due to the fact that I am from NZ apparently I am of Americas Cup sailing quality and need to take him out in his yacht and teach him how to sail. Oh great I say "that will be fun, what is your boat", "a Hobie" he replies. "A catamaran" I said, OH NO they developed a yacht that is 36 feet long with a width of only 6 feet, swings a long keel with bugger all lead and if you get it wrong it is spectacular, it sails like a mini version of a current Americas cup boat. So out we go onto the lake, I bark orders and tell people to haul on that, set that, sheet that, pump that, and that was just starting the engine. Needless to say I was on a roll and doing fine SO FAR. Albeit to a crew of 3 including me. The radio
crackled that there was a severe weather warning to the north of us with 50 kt gust and thunder and lightening. So I say lets head north and have a look its what we do in NZ, [mean while my head is thinking of the movie "a perfect storm" although I am sexier than George Looney]. The skies darken the wind gets stronger and the thing we are sailing decides to take on a new lease of life, [needless to say a boat that is 36' long and only 6' wide makes like a knife and or submarine like characteristics] It starts to blow 20kt's constant and we are doing about that down wind, of course the owner and crew are happy because Kiwi sailing expert boy is at the helm. Then we get a gust which lays us flat keel out of the water, it makes for exciting vocabulary [more yelling haul on that, let that go, cut that, don't drop that (my rum), after a few strikes of lightening to close for comfort we all decide to go like the wind back to the marina and call it a day. I don't know what they
think about NZ's sailing ability, however you can rest assured that we are all mad, stay calm under pressure, and never spill a drink no matter what the circumstances are.
THE GOLF
Then its onto Minneapolis, Minnesota. More meetings all good and they decide to take me to play golf. All good I say. However the heat wave in North America means that our 12pm tee off is in 37 degrees with no wind and humid-ex at 42 degrees. It has to be the hottest temperatures I have play any sport in. Then add to that a golf course that requires 7 holes to carry 180 to 200 yards over water or reeds, 15 of the 18 had either water or trees or both down each side of the fairway & and 2 par 3's that required a driver to reach. As Jack Nicolas or Mark Twain once said "a good walk ruined". Enough said, and don't even ask.
AIRPORT, RENTAL CAR.
Then its back to Chicago, drop the car of at rental company only to remember I had forgotten to fill it up, rental car companies like to charge double the pump rate so $6.60 a gallon later I am on my way. Glad I didn't inform them of the scratch and dent in the oil pan, but that's another story.
Airport has about 250,000 people all trying to check in, get through bloody security, find there gate, hope its all going well and move on. This all on account that the radar had failed, there were thunderstorms and about 200 flights the previous night and through out the day had been canned. So smooth sailing for Mr. Wood, OHH NO not me, I have to get special treatment. I get selected for a special security screening, [must be my fake pass port name Akbar CamelPip MeccaMasefield HussainWood, I knew I should have taken the Fess off when I had the photo taken]. They take you aside search your bags, rub you down and you pray that no one says bend over while they are putting on a rubber glove. Needless to say I miss my flight. That's OK as they have 7 more this evening. No sir we are booked solid, I can wait-list you on the 12.20am. At this point there are two options, act like an idiot and shout, scream, even cry OR head for the bar. I chose option two.
THE BAR, THE HAKA, THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
I get to the bar to find thousands of other travellers in the same predicament. I chose a quite corner where there is a family including grand parents all having a nice time. We get talking the usual, we start laughing, drinking etc. They are on holiday and heading for a dude ranch [horse farm] the next thing I know I am being invited to come along, I don't think the banshee would be too impressed with that one eh? As we get louder we start to gather a good sized group of people, then she walks in the second women of my dreams [first spot taken by she devil, I had to say that though, really] she sees the harmless family and moves on over. Fantastic we all start talking and getting on famously, she then invites me to Rhode Island for the week end [now she who must be obeyed would seriously be unhappy], I try to come up with a compromise in that she joins us all at the dude ranch. Onto my 5th rum and some idiot in the bar says don't you Kiwi's have some war dance you are
always doing, that's all I need, next thing you know I.m up on the bar going hell for leather and giving it my all, including tongue and that's just with Miss Rhode Island, I refuse to do the new throat slitting thing as I think it is stupid. Miss Rhode Island is suitable impressed that's a real bugger, as are the dude ranchers and most of the bar. Some many hours later I am informed I am on the 9.20pm flight home, reluctantly I fly to Buffalo to connect to Toronto.
A HORSE NAMED HANK.
I arrive back in Toronto at 12.30am, fly out the door and smack straight into a horse with a policeman sitting on his back, trying not to appear to inebriated I strike up a conversation to which the horse tells me his name is Hank, nice horse, I ask him if has ever been to a dude ranch, or Rhode Island, he says no to both, we part in different ways, and I head home to Miss New Zealand and Montreal McGregor.
Cheers & love to all.
Toronto Pip
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Frank, Judy and Robert
Frank is a character and though he is about nine years older than Mac, they move at about the same pace so is the perfect walking partner for our sniffmeister!
Walks through the wooded 'dogs off lead' area of High Park and down at Cherry Beach are a treat and get us in touch with the beauty of Toronto's parks and lakefront.
Friday, May 5, 2006
Keeping it Real and Living the Dream: May 25 2006
Hi All in Aoteoroa,
Crikey its been a while, and I know you have missed me and my weekly jejune missive’s of the life & times of Toronto Pip, and his rusty [early stages of senior moments] sidekick Mississauga Juju, and the one and only [bird magnet] Montreal McGregor. So paint me red and call me rusty the absence was noted, documented and even phone calls were made, what could be the reason for the absence of said memo. Could be because nothing is happening [unlikely], or I have had writers block [some say it's a shame that my mouth doesn't follow suit], or just plain to bloody busy at work & play. But that's the way it is sometimes, some call it life, welcome to my world I say. So sit back with a beer, red wine, vanilla wine, super whine [wife] and enjoy another long winded [wife again] “the weeks that were”.
So, it’s been about 3 weeks eh. So let me recap on the main events with a little bit of light humour thrown in for superfluous value. Ooh, you just know its going to be good when I start using big words that I have no idea what they mean.
Just an insight into my wonderful world of work, travel, fun & games, the company accountant has just informed me that in the last 365 days, I have stayed in a hotel 122 times, flown 35 different airlines on 65 flights and hired 45 compact rental cars.
At a glance;
4.5 months [1/3 of the year] away.
30 airports.
10 days of flying time.
86 days in a rental car.
So as you can see its not all fun & games. Well actually it’s not that bad but sympathy is a wonderful thing, and I’m sure Mississauga Juju sees my so called business trips a cause for great enjoyment. Ju & her jessie mates get together drink and bitch about men and all that jazz.
I have endured another trip to Detroit, Michigan. Bullet proof vest and Remington at the ready, you know it’s a safe place when you walk out the door of the hotel give the doorman $1 tip only to be told I wouldn’t go passed the end of the building in either direction, no seriously. Had an important meeting with Motor City Casino, what an eye opener, 10am in the morning and it is packed, buffet is full of already large Americans eating waffles and pancakes, and not to be to rude [most unlike me] it looks like not one of them should be there or in the casino betting either. And this all on a Wednesday, bloody scary.
Then onto my famous meetings with GM [General Motors for you slow ones], through security screen 1, get given a locker where you store your gun and vest, then screen 2 where they pat you down, then up for the meeting. This is my favourite part, no holds bared in looking after a guest. Its Crispy Creme Donuts and a 2 gallon cardboard box of coffee that is yet again undrinkable, the coffee cartel [don't care as they are making millions] and their growers [who get about a cent per pound] would be ashamed. They all laugh and say things like you British are so funny with your tea? I’m from f...king New Zealand you ignorant mid-west inbred, and if George Bush is all that you can come up with its sad, and the only reason I want tea is because contrary to what you all think your coffee is crap and not everything in the USA is better or bigger than the rest of the world. Anyhow managed to secure a good two year contract with GM for all there car dealerships and travelling car show
stages.
Down to Toledo in my quest to find Clinger [M.A.S.H], its sad Toledo at one time was a great city, now it is a ghost town, almost worse than Detroit. Into Ohio for a quick lets see if our distributor is still up to it or should we find a rep, distributor 0 rep 1. This will have to wait until after my holiday. Visited the Cleveland music "Rock Hall of Fame" listed as one of the attractions one should see in life. Pretty amazing really, will take the she devil their soon.
Through Pennsylvania to see if the combine harvesters have been rolled out ready for action. They are quite fun to drive actually, but it does pay to ask first, [not allowed back in Pennsylvania for 90 days].
Then down to Buffalo where they are famous for there wings [buffalo wings, for you slow ones]. Trying to find a rep or distributor here is like the Blues scoring a try, near impossible."GO THE HURRICANES".
They do how ever have a very well recognized art gallery, wonders never cease to amaze me. Ooh look there's Niagara Falls over to the left [17 times].
As you are aware we live in a very social area of Toronto [happy & gay so to speak], and it has been suggested that my proclivity in that direction has escaped no ones attention. We’ll I can say to you that don’t knock it until you have tried it? And it still remains the only place in the world that when we go out I get the free drinks. It is also very handy for dog walking and dog day care when required.
Speaking of McGregor, he has become a bit of a celebrity. He works in the famous Toronto Cook Book store where all they sell is cook books? Celebrity chefs from all over North America & beyond come and do book signings etc. Mac has been filmed 3 or 4 times and has even been included in some photo shoots. To the dismay of the manager there are even people who come into buy books only if he is in residence. He also has some girl friends who visit and I can only thank god I whipped his knackers off [sad but true] otherwise there would already be Westiedoddles or Bichionesties running amuck.
Mum & Dad are up next week, so that will be fantastic, can't wait. So the standard Niagara Falls [18 times], then the site and sounds of Toronto, lets see if we can get Mum up the CN Tower at 535m which is still the tallest free standing structure in the world. Then Montreal to hassle the Quebec qua, especially in the old port [French quarter]. Then across to Nova Scotia to hunt down some bloke called McGregor. Down to New York for a week, museum's, shops, galleries, that will probably kill us all, and then we will take in a leisurely stroll around a golf course, while watching the US OPEN, and some Maori boy do his stuff. I do hope Tiger turns up, I can't wait to hell "BE THE BALL" on his down stroke and see what the reaction is from fellow kiwi Mike. I will take my chances with security also and do the Haka in the middle of the 18th fairway, so watch the golf on Saturday you may see me.
Any how, that's all for now, send me some of your own news, its always good to here news from Aoteoroa. I'll send a couple of photo's soon, one of me with the future Mrs Wood, and one of me & McGregor at Stratford on Avon, both looking thoroughly at wick's end with the banshee.
And just remember, "KEEP IT REAL" oh god I'm turning into a North American, however I am LIVING THE DREAM.
Love to you all,
Toronto pip
Crikey its been a while, and I know you have missed me and my weekly jejune missive’s of the life & times of Toronto Pip, and his rusty [early stages of senior moments] sidekick Mississauga Juju, and the one and only [bird magnet] Montreal McGregor. So paint me red and call me rusty the absence was noted, documented and even phone calls were made, what could be the reason for the absence of said memo. Could be because nothing is happening [unlikely], or I have had writers block [some say it's a shame that my mouth doesn't follow suit], or just plain to bloody busy at work & play. But that's the way it is sometimes, some call it life, welcome to my world I say. So sit back with a beer, red wine, vanilla wine, super whine [wife] and enjoy another long winded [wife again] “the weeks that were”.
So, it’s been about 3 weeks eh. So let me recap on the main events with a little bit of light humour thrown in for superfluous value. Ooh, you just know its going to be good when I start using big words that I have no idea what they mean.
Just an insight into my wonderful world of work, travel, fun & games, the company accountant has just informed me that in the last 365 days, I have stayed in a hotel 122 times, flown 35 different airlines on 65 flights and hired 45 compact rental cars.
At a glance;
4.5 months [1/3 of the year] away.
30 airports.
10 days of flying time.
86 days in a rental car.
So as you can see its not all fun & games. Well actually it’s not that bad but sympathy is a wonderful thing, and I’m sure Mississauga Juju sees my so called business trips a cause for great enjoyment. Ju & her jessie mates get together drink and bitch about men and all that jazz.
I have endured another trip to Detroit, Michigan. Bullet proof vest and Remington at the ready, you know it’s a safe place when you walk out the door of the hotel give the doorman $1 tip only to be told I wouldn’t go passed the end of the building in either direction, no seriously. Had an important meeting with Motor City Casino, what an eye opener, 10am in the morning and it is packed, buffet is full of already large Americans eating waffles and pancakes, and not to be to rude [most unlike me] it looks like not one of them should be there or in the casino betting either. And this all on a Wednesday, bloody scary.
Then onto my famous meetings with GM [General Motors for you slow ones], through security screen 1, get given a locker where you store your gun and vest, then screen 2 where they pat you down, then up for the meeting. This is my favourite part, no holds bared in looking after a guest. Its Crispy Creme Donuts and a 2 gallon cardboard box of coffee that is yet again undrinkable, the coffee cartel [don't care as they are making millions] and their growers [who get about a cent per pound] would be ashamed. They all laugh and say things like you British are so funny with your tea? I’m from f...king New Zealand you ignorant mid-west inbred, and if George Bush is all that you can come up with its sad, and the only reason I want tea is because contrary to what you all think your coffee is crap and not everything in the USA is better or bigger than the rest of the world. Anyhow managed to secure a good two year contract with GM for all there car dealerships and travelling car show
stages.
Down to Toledo in my quest to find Clinger [M.A.S.H], its sad Toledo at one time was a great city, now it is a ghost town, almost worse than Detroit. Into Ohio for a quick lets see if our distributor is still up to it or should we find a rep, distributor 0 rep 1. This will have to wait until after my holiday. Visited the Cleveland music "Rock Hall of Fame" listed as one of the attractions one should see in life. Pretty amazing really, will take the she devil their soon.
Through Pennsylvania to see if the combine harvesters have been rolled out ready for action. They are quite fun to drive actually, but it does pay to ask first, [not allowed back in Pennsylvania for 90 days].
Then down to Buffalo where they are famous for there wings [buffalo wings, for you slow ones]. Trying to find a rep or distributor here is like the Blues scoring a try, near impossible."GO THE HURRICANES".
They do how ever have a very well recognized art gallery, wonders never cease to amaze me. Ooh look there's Niagara Falls over to the left [17 times].
As you are aware we live in a very social area of Toronto [happy & gay so to speak], and it has been suggested that my proclivity in that direction has escaped no ones attention. We’ll I can say to you that don’t knock it until you have tried it? And it still remains the only place in the world that when we go out I get the free drinks. It is also very handy for dog walking and dog day care when required.
Speaking of McGregor, he has become a bit of a celebrity. He works in the famous Toronto Cook Book store where all they sell is cook books? Celebrity chefs from all over North America & beyond come and do book signings etc. Mac has been filmed 3 or 4 times and has even been included in some photo shoots. To the dismay of the manager there are even people who come into buy books only if he is in residence. He also has some girl friends who visit and I can only thank god I whipped his knackers off [sad but true] otherwise there would already be Westiedoddles or Bichionesties running amuck.
Mum & Dad are up next week, so that will be fantastic, can't wait. So the standard Niagara Falls [18 times], then the site and sounds of Toronto, lets see if we can get Mum up the CN Tower at 535m which is still the tallest free standing structure in the world. Then Montreal to hassle the Quebec qua, especially in the old port [French quarter]. Then across to Nova Scotia to hunt down some bloke called McGregor. Down to New York for a week, museum's, shops, galleries, that will probably kill us all, and then we will take in a leisurely stroll around a golf course, while watching the US OPEN, and some Maori boy do his stuff. I do hope Tiger turns up, I can't wait to hell "BE THE BALL" on his down stroke and see what the reaction is from fellow kiwi Mike. I will take my chances with security also and do the Haka in the middle of the 18th fairway, so watch the golf on Saturday you may see me.
Any how, that's all for now, send me some of your own news, its always good to here news from Aoteoroa. I'll send a couple of photo's soon, one of me with the future Mrs Wood, and one of me & McGregor at Stratford on Avon, both looking thoroughly at wick's end with the banshee.
And just remember, "KEEP IT REAL" oh god I'm turning into a North American, however I am LIVING THE DREAM.
Love to you all,
Toronto pip
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Flying, Driving, Rugby and other dangerous sports: April 18 2006
Hi All, I’m Baaaaack?
Happy belated Easter.
To those who have had a Birthday, sorry, “Happy Birthday”?
To those that haven’t, well I haven’t forgotten yet.
Welcome to “the weeks that were” another exciting episode & insight into the world that is Toronto Pip, & his trusty companions Mississauga Juju & Montreal McGregor.
It has been a trying 3 weeks, I have seen things I wish I hadn’t, nearly been arrested in Chicago, lost my cool with an airline employee [most unlike me], had a police escort out of a small town [after a few quite ones], flown on 7 different airlines, visited as many airports, crossed 6 states, and driven approx 2000 miles [miles not kms as they are backward up here, well in the US of A that is.]
You may have noticed that there have been a few weeks of silence; this can only be put down to a couple of things. [One], I can’t be bothered, as you are all hopeless with emails, or [Two], I have been working so bloody hard that I haven’t had time to think let alone send emails home about my fantastic, exciting and reverting adventures. You choose.
It goes a bit like this.
Week One:
Rome, Amsterdam, and Geneva. All great, except a day in each place makes for a weary traveller. The later to check out if the convention was still alive and kicking. You know the Geneva Convention. It’s all part of my world domination plans, which I must say are coming along nicely. As long as I keep the Middle East a busy hot spot everything will just fall into place. I am sure chairman Helen is all for it, especially if I ensure her a spot in line up.
You guessed it I have made it my mission that there will be a “HOOTER’S” in every continent and in every city, and it will be a requirement to visit the “TEMPLE” at least once a week and once on weekends.
When Super 12 or 14 or whatever they bloody call it now is on, as a male you will be required to attend Friday through Sunday, wife’s by appointment only, unless wearing a Hooters uniform.
All of us who don’t live in Wellington can be thank full as that is where Helen will be.
Of course scantily clad young ladies have nothing to do with it; it’s all about the wings, ribs and sports on TV.
Week Two.
Rochester, Syracuse, Utica and Albany all cities in New York State. Albany being the capitol. We drove on this trip part of the trip as it is only 10 hours there and 10 hours back?? Yes I let “she who must be obeyed” come with me [mental note, do not travel on business with wife]. This does not include Montreal McGregor who acts as a babe magnet, and has numerous other advantages. I had one blond announce to me that I must be English, no I said “I was from New Zealand” and so is McGregor, with which she asked me if he would understand her if she asked him to sit?? No joke. Dear God its no wonder they can’t organise a piss up in a brewery.
Had some very important meetings while trying to see the sights at same time. Ended up getting totally confused and telling the treasury and defence dept about my world domination plans, and the custodian of some art gallery all about how our company can help them by relieving them of heaps of money. I think on reflection that I got that one back to front.
On the way back Juju decided that we should drive up through the Adirondacks, lovely country side and of course adds two more driving hours, but also meant we circumnavigated Lake Ontario. While up in the hills we came across some Amish men cutting a tree up that had fallen in a storm. Bloody amazing, two Clydesdales and a cart, hand saws, with a tree about 5 foot thick. Then down the road came the horse drawn cart with lunch. You have to take your hat of to them, what a way to live.
After a brief conversation about chainsaws, v8’s & Hooters bars, I them told them how bloody proud of them I was, and that bloody hard work was the f….ing corner stone of life, and that they deserve a great big f…king medal.
Week Three.
Chicago, what a great town, spent Monday evening on the 95th floor of the Hancock building drinking Martinis and talking business with our Illinois distributor while watching the sun set, and the world go by, way down below.
Next day meetings, then on Tuesday late afternoon had to drive to Woodstock to meet a new sports track and sports floor agent/distributor. What a score not only is he going to be a great agent but he owns half of Woodstock, including three bars. With which we proceeded to do a mini pub crawl around for a couple or six hours. After some good old boys had a hand gun shoot up into the air competition I decided that I should make my way back to Chicago. Needless to say I was in the middle of no where and must have eaten some bad seafood. No problem, not only did he own half the town but also the police department. I managed a 45 minute police escort back to my hotel, what luck eh!
Next morning a 5 hour drive to St Louis, Missouri to meet another new rep, unfortunately she had had a death in the family and had failed to tell me, so then I drove 5 hours back to Chicago. Here the problems started!!!!
Extremely tired, I returned the rental car. Took the courtesy bus to the airport. Now picture one of the busiest airports in the world and a tired and still feeling ill [after the bad seafood] Toronto Pip, quite frankly it was a cocktail heading toward one of the Molotov kind.
Firstly, it was Wednesday late afternoon, it was a long weekend, and my ticket was for Friday evening on US Air. Calm at first I explained the situation to the lovely [albeit her eyes to close together] lady, she told me that there was one seat left on the evening flight. Great I said, with which her reply was that will be $US400 thanks. I then said but I already hold a fully paid return ticket to Buffalo from Chicago? Well it’s the last seat and policy states that I have to sell it, not re-book anyone. Still calm I pushed for the bereavement policy, no it was $400 dollars and that was that. Blood pressure rising I asked for her supervisor. She duly arrived and my case was again pitched, here it starts to get funny, no she could not put me on that flight unless I wanted to pay $400. However we can book you on Continental who have plenty of seats and will only cost $115, but what could I do, they sold me the ticket with Continental even though they were in another
terminal. Then the ripper came, [the one that sent me over the edge], after handing me the ticket she then handed me another ticket which had a credit of $275 on it for the leg of the trip that I will not be flying with them [$275 credit?????????]. I bloody exploded a credit for $275 however happy to book me on another airline and lose $275. What the hell was the point of trying to sell me a $400 ticket when you were going to credit me back the majority of the original anyway. Raised voices and a bright red complexion gained the attention of one of Chicago’s finest, it was like the movies, “sir calm down”, “sir are you trying to create a scene”, “sir if you don’t calm down I will have to shoot you”. Then he shadowed [escorted] me on the train between terminals. To top things off on this eventful day there was a 2 hour queue to get through security. I was then asked to step aside as I had been SELECTED to be searched. So another 30 min wait while they
swabbed my bag, so as required I removed my shoes, belt, jacket, coins, wallet, cell phone, wedding ring, lap top, hand bag, gun, false teeth, artificial leg, etc etc, and was duly patted down, I however enjoyed that part. Flight was great and we were early [there must be a god]. Got to Buffalo realising that I still had a 1.5 hr drive back to Toronto. Big car crash in car park so it was log jammed. Got home 2am Thursday morning after being awake for 22 hours. Up-side is that I actually got to have a break over Easter with no work.
That’s all for now, stay tuned however, as I am back in Detroit next week, so bullet proof vest and gun in hand, and then to Alaska, so red necks and crabs [the eating type you sicko's].
Love to all
Toronto Pip
Happy belated Easter.
To those who have had a Birthday, sorry, “Happy Birthday”?
To those that haven’t, well I haven’t forgotten yet.
Welcome to “the weeks that were” another exciting episode & insight into the world that is Toronto Pip, & his trusty companions Mississauga Juju & Montreal McGregor.
It has been a trying 3 weeks, I have seen things I wish I hadn’t, nearly been arrested in Chicago, lost my cool with an airline employee [most unlike me], had a police escort out of a small town [after a few quite ones], flown on 7 different airlines, visited as many airports, crossed 6 states, and driven approx 2000 miles [miles not kms as they are backward up here, well in the US of A that is.]
You may have noticed that there have been a few weeks of silence; this can only be put down to a couple of things. [One], I can’t be bothered, as you are all hopeless with emails, or [Two], I have been working so bloody hard that I haven’t had time to think let alone send emails home about my fantastic, exciting and reverting adventures. You choose.
It goes a bit like this.
Week One:
Rome, Amsterdam, and Geneva. All great, except a day in each place makes for a weary traveller. The later to check out if the convention was still alive and kicking. You know the Geneva Convention. It’s all part of my world domination plans, which I must say are coming along nicely. As long as I keep the Middle East a busy hot spot everything will just fall into place. I am sure chairman Helen is all for it, especially if I ensure her a spot in line up.
You guessed it I have made it my mission that there will be a “HOOTER’S” in every continent and in every city, and it will be a requirement to visit the “TEMPLE” at least once a week and once on weekends.
When Super 12 or 14 or whatever they bloody call it now is on, as a male you will be required to attend Friday through Sunday, wife’s by appointment only, unless wearing a Hooters uniform.
All of us who don’t live in Wellington can be thank full as that is where Helen will be.
Of course scantily clad young ladies have nothing to do with it; it’s all about the wings, ribs and sports on TV.
Week Two.
Rochester, Syracuse, Utica and Albany all cities in New York State. Albany being the capitol. We drove on this trip part of the trip as it is only 10 hours there and 10 hours back?? Yes I let “she who must be obeyed” come with me [mental note, do not travel on business with wife]. This does not include Montreal McGregor who acts as a babe magnet, and has numerous other advantages. I had one blond announce to me that I must be English, no I said “I was from New Zealand” and so is McGregor, with which she asked me if he would understand her if she asked him to sit?? No joke. Dear God its no wonder they can’t organise a piss up in a brewery.
Had some very important meetings while trying to see the sights at same time. Ended up getting totally confused and telling the treasury and defence dept about my world domination plans, and the custodian of some art gallery all about how our company can help them by relieving them of heaps of money. I think on reflection that I got that one back to front.
On the way back Juju decided that we should drive up through the Adirondacks, lovely country side and of course adds two more driving hours, but also meant we circumnavigated Lake Ontario. While up in the hills we came across some Amish men cutting a tree up that had fallen in a storm. Bloody amazing, two Clydesdales and a cart, hand saws, with a tree about 5 foot thick. Then down the road came the horse drawn cart with lunch. You have to take your hat of to them, what a way to live.
After a brief conversation about chainsaws, v8’s & Hooters bars, I them told them how bloody proud of them I was, and that bloody hard work was the f….ing corner stone of life, and that they deserve a great big f…king medal.
Week Three.
Chicago, what a great town, spent Monday evening on the 95th floor of the Hancock building drinking Martinis and talking business with our Illinois distributor while watching the sun set, and the world go by, way down below.
Next day meetings, then on Tuesday late afternoon had to drive to Woodstock to meet a new sports track and sports floor agent/distributor. What a score not only is he going to be a great agent but he owns half of Woodstock, including three bars. With which we proceeded to do a mini pub crawl around for a couple or six hours. After some good old boys had a hand gun shoot up into the air competition I decided that I should make my way back to Chicago. Needless to say I was in the middle of no where and must have eaten some bad seafood. No problem, not only did he own half the town but also the police department. I managed a 45 minute police escort back to my hotel, what luck eh!
Next morning a 5 hour drive to St Louis, Missouri to meet another new rep, unfortunately she had had a death in the family and had failed to tell me, so then I drove 5 hours back to Chicago. Here the problems started!!!!
Extremely tired, I returned the rental car. Took the courtesy bus to the airport. Now picture one of the busiest airports in the world and a tired and still feeling ill [after the bad seafood] Toronto Pip, quite frankly it was a cocktail heading toward one of the Molotov kind.
Firstly, it was Wednesday late afternoon, it was a long weekend, and my ticket was for Friday evening on US Air. Calm at first I explained the situation to the lovely [albeit her eyes to close together] lady, she told me that there was one seat left on the evening flight. Great I said, with which her reply was that will be $US400 thanks. I then said but I already hold a fully paid return ticket to Buffalo from Chicago? Well it’s the last seat and policy states that I have to sell it, not re-book anyone. Still calm I pushed for the bereavement policy, no it was $400 dollars and that was that. Blood pressure rising I asked for her supervisor. She duly arrived and my case was again pitched, here it starts to get funny, no she could not put me on that flight unless I wanted to pay $400. However we can book you on Continental who have plenty of seats and will only cost $115, but what could I do, they sold me the ticket with Continental even though they were in another
terminal. Then the ripper came, [the one that sent me over the edge], after handing me the ticket she then handed me another ticket which had a credit of $275 on it for the leg of the trip that I will not be flying with them [$275 credit?????????]. I bloody exploded a credit for $275 however happy to book me on another airline and lose $275. What the hell was the point of trying to sell me a $400 ticket when you were going to credit me back the majority of the original anyway. Raised voices and a bright red complexion gained the attention of one of Chicago’s finest, it was like the movies, “sir calm down”, “sir are you trying to create a scene”, “sir if you don’t calm down I will have to shoot you”. Then he shadowed [escorted] me on the train between terminals. To top things off on this eventful day there was a 2 hour queue to get through security. I was then asked to step aside as I had been SELECTED to be searched. So another 30 min wait while they
swabbed my bag, so as required I removed my shoes, belt, jacket, coins, wallet, cell phone, wedding ring, lap top, hand bag, gun, false teeth, artificial leg, etc etc, and was duly patted down, I however enjoyed that part. Flight was great and we were early [there must be a god]. Got to Buffalo realising that I still had a 1.5 hr drive back to Toronto. Big car crash in car park so it was log jammed. Got home 2am Thursday morning after being awake for 22 hours. Up-side is that I actually got to have a break over Easter with no work.
That’s all for now, stay tuned however, as I am back in Detroit next week, so bullet proof vest and gun in hand, and then to Alaska, so red necks and crabs [the eating type you sicko's].
Love to all
Toronto Pip
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Skiing, Chinatown and the frozen North: March 15 2006
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kia Ora Koutou,
Welcome to another enthralling episode of the goings
on of Toronto Pip and his Trusty sidekick's
Mississauga Juju & Montreal McGregor [the french
cannot see the irony in that one, go figure].
Anyway hi to all in Kiwiland, enjoying the last of the
summer I hope and looking forward to sitting back and
enjoying the "Commonwealth Games". Not to to blunt but
there has not been one bit of media air time or
attention paid to this 18th games, I don't know what
that means but a distinct lack of coverage for us no
doubt.
Unlike the 24 hrs of the winter Olympics we had to
endure. I particularly liked the curling and am
looking to take it up next season, if I can fit it
into my heavy training schedule along with my ski
jumping, bobsledding & downhill.
I have worked out after a short time with the "she
devil" or "she who must be obeyed while on the hill"
[yes we are still skiing and it is still snowing and
we are up the hill again this weekend] that it is way
better for me just go straight and as fast as possible
to the bottom, and then start all over. Here I have a
distinct advantage that all you who know about physics
should be able to work out. Lay-mans terms, mass +
weight + downward slop means faster Toronto Pip.
Faster Toronto Pip means green blur and ability to
escape the teacher "Mississauga Juju". The beauty of
where we ski at the Blue Mountains is that you can ski
to the door of various pubs, sink a bottle of red wine
and then hit the slopes even more dangerous than ever,
and with a bottle on board fear seems to go out the
window, and rails and jumps become more useful for
getting down even faster.
Lets talk rugby, the "Blues", we'll that says it all
and is enough about that topic.
Last weekend "spooky woman" and I went to China Town
to do our shopping, [we leave "Montreal McGregor" at
home for various reasons]. Anyway they have the best
beef and pork and it is so much cheaper than anywhere
else. My mandarin is coming along well and I look
forward to become a driving instructor on my return to
NZ. I have developed some fantastic hand gestures as
well, [no explanation needed here], just picture a
tall white bloke surrounded by thousands of yellow
blokes and the tall bloke doing a fine impression of
Jackie Chan crossed with a Holland windmill.
I was in Ottawa and Montreal last week on business.
Ottawa is where parliament is, so it is all very
parliament like. The buildings though are very french
etc are fantastic, and Ottawa has the longest river in
the world that can be skated on. We haven't done the
skating thing yet, [I did in Montreal but that's
coming up] it just looks like a recipe for disaster,
and I can see a broken ankle and various other serious
injuries, and that's just the poor buggers I crash
into. I visited flightscape which is an airline black
box manufacturer, all very interesting really, they
had all the big wigs from JAL [Japanese airlines]
there, so I did an impromptu Haka to stir them along,
they looked a bit serious so I hope they hadn't
suffered some black box crisis on one of their
airlines. No one had taken out the ceremonial sword at
the stage I was asked to leave.
In Montreal where it was -22 degrees and the car park
was a makeshift skate arena, I managed to have my
first good fall on the ice. It was a beautifully
choreographed event with me managing to get one leg
out of the passenger side only to have it disappear at
a startling rate, followed by the rest of my body, the
result was one leg in car jammed under dashboard,
other heading out at an unimaginable angle [those of
you who have seen me do it, and yes I still can, "the
splits"] so there I am bum to shoulder blade immersed
in two inches of slush and fresh rain yet to be
frozen, and my head cracking the ice. After which my
efforts to get up as quickly as possible had me
heading off through the car park on my hands and
knees, [so am not putting figure skating on my list].
Needless to say after my explicit verbal reaction to
this the Quebec Qua have taken me on as a new
spokesman, which is by no means easy as they are folk
who consider you an inferior human because you speak
English.
Then into a company called CAE Electronics who produce
flight simulators for all aircraft of the world. Now
this is good fun and I have now had two small
sessions, 1 in an Airbus A320 the other in a Boeing
767. All good fun really.
I left Montreal at 4.30 pm by car and looked up at the
sign that said Toronto 535km, so I rang Mississauga
Juju and asked what was or dinner as I would be home
about 8pm?, bullshit I hear you say! But with the
highway being straight the whole way and with
everybody doing about 130kmh when you push it up to
145kmh it is achievable. End result dinner with the
trouble and strife.
This weekend skiing, and next week in Wisconsin &
Minnesota. So look forward to next weeks "the week
that was" coming from an American inbred own near you.
Cletus and his sister who is also his mother plus Hank
have been waiting my arrival.
Much love to all,
P's. send me your news as you are all hopeless.
Toronto pip
Kia Ora Koutou,
Welcome to another enthralling episode of the goings
on of Toronto Pip and his Trusty sidekick's
Mississauga Juju & Montreal McGregor [the french
cannot see the irony in that one, go figure].
Anyway hi to all in Kiwiland, enjoying the last of the
summer I hope and looking forward to sitting back and
enjoying the "Commonwealth Games". Not to to blunt but
there has not been one bit of media air time or
attention paid to this 18th games, I don't know what
that means but a distinct lack of coverage for us no
doubt.
Unlike the 24 hrs of the winter Olympics we had to
endure. I particularly liked the curling and am
looking to take it up next season, if I can fit it
into my heavy training schedule along with my ski
jumping, bobsledding & downhill.
I have worked out after a short time with the "she
devil" or "she who must be obeyed while on the hill"
[yes we are still skiing and it is still snowing and
we are up the hill again this weekend] that it is way
better for me just go straight and as fast as possible
to the bottom, and then start all over. Here I have a
distinct advantage that all you who know about physics
should be able to work out. Lay-mans terms, mass +
weight + downward slop means faster Toronto Pip.
Faster Toronto Pip means green blur and ability to
escape the teacher "Mississauga Juju". The beauty of
where we ski at the Blue Mountains is that you can ski
to the door of various pubs, sink a bottle of red wine
and then hit the slopes even more dangerous than ever,
and with a bottle on board fear seems to go out the
window, and rails and jumps become more useful for
getting down even faster.
Lets talk rugby, the "Blues", we'll that says it all
and is enough about that topic.
Last weekend "spooky woman" and I went to China Town
to do our shopping, [we leave "Montreal McGregor" at
home for various reasons]. Anyway they have the best
beef and pork and it is so much cheaper than anywhere
else. My mandarin is coming along well and I look
forward to become a driving instructor on my return to
NZ. I have developed some fantastic hand gestures as
well, [no explanation needed here], just picture a
tall white bloke surrounded by thousands of yellow
blokes and the tall bloke doing a fine impression of
Jackie Chan crossed with a Holland windmill.
I was in Ottawa and Montreal last week on business.
Ottawa is where parliament is, so it is all very
parliament like. The buildings though are very french
etc are fantastic, and Ottawa has the longest river in
the world that can be skated on. We haven't done the
skating thing yet, [I did in Montreal but that's
coming up] it just looks like a recipe for disaster,
and I can see a broken ankle and various other serious
injuries, and that's just the poor buggers I crash
into. I visited flightscape which is an airline black
box manufacturer, all very interesting really, they
had all the big wigs from JAL [Japanese airlines]
there, so I did an impromptu Haka to stir them along,
they looked a bit serious so I hope they hadn't
suffered some black box crisis on one of their
airlines. No one had taken out the ceremonial sword at
the stage I was asked to leave.
In Montreal where it was -22 degrees and the car park
was a makeshift skate arena, I managed to have my
first good fall on the ice. It was a beautifully
choreographed event with me managing to get one leg
out of the passenger side only to have it disappear at
a startling rate, followed by the rest of my body, the
result was one leg in car jammed under dashboard,
other heading out at an unimaginable angle [those of
you who have seen me do it, and yes I still can, "the
splits"] so there I am bum to shoulder blade immersed
in two inches of slush and fresh rain yet to be
frozen, and my head cracking the ice. After which my
efforts to get up as quickly as possible had me
heading off through the car park on my hands and
knees, [so am not putting figure skating on my list].
Needless to say after my explicit verbal reaction to
this the Quebec Qua have taken me on as a new
spokesman, which is by no means easy as they are folk
who consider you an inferior human because you speak
English.
Then into a company called CAE Electronics who produce
flight simulators for all aircraft of the world. Now
this is good fun and I have now had two small
sessions, 1 in an Airbus A320 the other in a Boeing
767. All good fun really.
I left Montreal at 4.30 pm by car and looked up at the
sign that said Toronto 535km, so I rang Mississauga
Juju and asked what was or dinner as I would be home
about 8pm?, bullshit I hear you say! But with the
highway being straight the whole way and with
everybody doing about 130kmh when you push it up to
145kmh it is achievable. End result dinner with the
trouble and strife.
This weekend skiing, and next week in Wisconsin &
Minnesota. So look forward to next weeks "the week
that was" coming from an American inbred own near you.
Cletus and his sister who is also his mother plus Hank
have been waiting my arrival.
Much love to all,
P's. send me your news as you are all hopeless.
Toronto pip
Friday, February 24, 2006
Toronto Pip [anniversary] Feb 24 2006
Hi all,
Welcome to an emotionally filled, yet strangely
normal, anniversary edition of the goings on of
Toronto Pip.
I don’t want you to get all teary eyed, and I know how
you have all missed me soooo much! But I would just
like to point out that it is my one year anniversary.
Yep it has been one year, since I left Aoteoroa [our
little bit of paradise], and it only feels like
yesterday.
But don’t panic just yet I am not returning to
terrorise you all just yet. [seriously thinking about
taking a posting in Qatar or India, but that’s a whole
different story in itself], because right in the back
of my mind is this little hammer, this little
yearning, this silent pull, back to home.
HOWEVER not for a couple of years? And definitely not
until we have a “HOOTERS” bar, preferable Kohi/St
Heliers.
I have had fun, adventure, travels, memories that can
never be taken away, but I do miss family, friends,
sheep [not that way sicko], and a decent piece of
bloody beef. Christ they go on and on about there beef
and quite frankly it is crap [and as you can imagine I
tell them so].
Sure Texas has Kobe like beef farms, but still it does
not have that we eat grass, outside, 365 days of the
year flavour that our beef has. Same goes for their
dairy products.
Sure there is Ontario lamb, well I actually crack up
laughing at the St Laurent Saturday market as they
sell their Ontario lamb, which to me looks remarkably
like a leg of hogget or mutton. Either that or they
have some kind of super lamb as the joints are the
size of my thigh? A couple of the butchers have
cottoned onto the fact that I am a Kiwi [and might
know something about meat] they disappear out the back
and come in with real slabs of meat. And on occasion
they get really excited as they actually have New
Zealand lamb in stock. And without being biased it
sooo much better, even they agree on this one.
As for Mississauga Juju, I am concerned here, she has
taken to the bottle, BEER bottle that is. Paint me red
and call me rusty but she has become a beer expert,
and this is in the winter, god help me when it starts
getting warm. Preference “Sleeman’s Honey Brown” and
god help anyone who doesn’t have it. Ju is quite the
picture heading off to “the beer store” [actual name]
with her empties in her trolley [I’m not joking]. They
still give money back on returns here. I will take a
picture as it is well worth a laugh.
Anyway that’s all for now. Next week London & Paris so
“the week that was” should be entertaining, followed
by Montreal & Ottawa, it sounds so very global but
it’s all so close. So hang onto your hats and I will
catch up with you soon.
By the way give me some of your news, its always great
to hear from home, and don’t think that it is boring
compared, because actually we are just doing what is
to be done in this part of the world.
I know its summer and all but we are going skiing
again this weekend. Will try and get some photos to
you.
Love to all
Toronto Pip
Welcome to an emotionally filled, yet strangely
normal, anniversary edition of the goings on of
Toronto Pip.
I don’t want you to get all teary eyed, and I know how
you have all missed me soooo much! But I would just
like to point out that it is my one year anniversary.
Yep it has been one year, since I left Aoteoroa [our
little bit of paradise], and it only feels like
yesterday.
But don’t panic just yet I am not returning to
terrorise you all just yet. [seriously thinking about
taking a posting in Qatar or India, but that’s a whole
different story in itself], because right in the back
of my mind is this little hammer, this little
yearning, this silent pull, back to home.
HOWEVER not for a couple of years? And definitely not
until we have a “HOOTERS” bar, preferable Kohi/St
Heliers.
I have had fun, adventure, travels, memories that can
never be taken away, but I do miss family, friends,
sheep [not that way sicko], and a decent piece of
bloody beef. Christ they go on and on about there beef
and quite frankly it is crap [and as you can imagine I
tell them so].
Sure Texas has Kobe like beef farms, but still it does
not have that we eat grass, outside, 365 days of the
year flavour that our beef has. Same goes for their
dairy products.
Sure there is Ontario lamb, well I actually crack up
laughing at the St Laurent Saturday market as they
sell their Ontario lamb, which to me looks remarkably
like a leg of hogget or mutton. Either that or they
have some kind of super lamb as the joints are the
size of my thigh? A couple of the butchers have
cottoned onto the fact that I am a Kiwi [and might
know something about meat] they disappear out the back
and come in with real slabs of meat. And on occasion
they get really excited as they actually have New
Zealand lamb in stock. And without being biased it
sooo much better, even they agree on this one.
As for Mississauga Juju, I am concerned here, she has
taken to the bottle, BEER bottle that is. Paint me red
and call me rusty but she has become a beer expert,
and this is in the winter, god help me when it starts
getting warm. Preference “Sleeman’s Honey Brown” and
god help anyone who doesn’t have it. Ju is quite the
picture heading off to “the beer store” [actual name]
with her empties in her trolley [I’m not joking]. They
still give money back on returns here. I will take a
picture as it is well worth a laugh.
Anyway that’s all for now. Next week London & Paris so
“the week that was” should be entertaining, followed
by Montreal & Ottawa, it sounds so very global but
it’s all so close. So hang onto your hats and I will
catch up with you soon.
By the way give me some of your news, its always great
to hear from home, and don’t think that it is boring
compared, because actually we are just doing what is
to be done in this part of the world.
I know its summer and all but we are going skiing
again this weekend. Will try and get some photos to
you.
Love to all
Toronto Pip
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
