Kiaora
Tin-a-cocoa, Tin-a-coffee, Cup-o-soup! And lashings of throat slitting, eh.
How are you all in Kiwiland, “land of the long white cloud”?
It is I Toronto Pip here in Canada, where on the East coast it is a unique experience to find a hill, let alone a mountain, no complaints however as it is also the land of the long clear summer. Some rain would be nice. I have been here 1.5 years and have not had a full day’s rain yet. I digress.
Welcome to another episode of “The Week That Was” an exciting parable of Toronto Pip, his wonderful side-kick Mississauga Juju and the babe magnet that is Montreal McGregor. Unfortunately in my area that may mean the wrong type of babe.
This episode consists of Customs officers, visiting cousins, New York "you’re fired", Hezbollah, Petrol prices, Baseball, Lord of the Rings, Racoons, Road works, and a horse called Frank? Plus the usual anecdotes that make up the life & times of Toronto Pip.
Customs:
It goes a bit like this, truck from our New Jersey (USA) warehouse [Wed] to our warehouse [Thurs] in Mississauga (CANADA) is stopped at boarder because of the rubber flooring contraband that I been obviously shipping back and forth [someone else’s cargo actually]. Truck driver lies and says he is a bonded agent, truck leaves and when he arrives in Mississauga is apprehended and his truck impounded. While customs was wondering about this, a kombi van full of illegal Hezbollah immigrants with boxes of cigarette’s and booze and a trailer loaded with fertilizer & diesel just drove on through. Any way so there is my stock which is urgently required for a BMW dealership & Toronto University [which is already customs cleared] but now stuck on an impounded truck. It’s now Friday and there is no sign of action, so Toronto Pip heads of for the Customs Bonded area to sort it all out. We’ll its like talking to a wall, I try all of my powers of persuasion, then it happens, I get
the “one”, picture the agent with mirror glasses, moustache, he may as well have been wearing jodhpurs’, so Toronto Pip tries a different angle. I start flapping my arms like a wind mill, ranting & raving; I may have mentioned something about fascist customs officers at some point, then it happened, jodhpur boy didn’t like that one bit, I was asked to leave, I refused, I was asked again, I again refused, I was threatened, right back at aye jodhpur boy? It was when he handled his weapon [gun that is, this is a family show] I realised I may have crossed the line slightly, I had forgotten they were armed, silly me really. I was actually physically removed from the premises, arm up my back, and marched out the gate and tossed into the gutter like a in a B-grade movie.
Cousins in Town:
Another visitor from home which is great, Kirsty Rundle [mother Barbara Rundle nee Ross] who has been in British Columbia & Alberta having a blast of a time over winter with her new fiancé Isaac. They arrive in Toronto to a cooler mini heat wave. It’s all good and we set about getting some quality drinking & eating in. Then there’s the standard trip to Niagara Falls [to many times to remember now] but it is still an amazing spectacle. The sights and sounds of Toronto, China town, shopping district etc. All good and we had a blast, drank too much and generally had a great time. It was great for me to have a Kiwi bloke to share the women hassling with. Isaac and I decided we should take the girls to a quality establishment and to be honest the girls did not take much encouragement. As previously explained one of Toronto's top strip clubs is 500m from our apartment so it's all good.
New York "you’re fired"
The owner of the company announced at 4.45pm Monday afternoon that I was flying to New York in the morning for the day to do some dirty work for him. Oh great I say, just what I like to do on a Tuesday. So off I go down to the New York office to give 3 people the don't come Monday speech. I arranged meetings with all three separately and it didn't take a rocket scientist to work out what was up. After I had two out of the way the owner rang up and told me to not fire the last one. She of course was outside waiting for me to call her in. So in she comes already in her mind knowing her fate? I quickly changed tack and told her she had a stay of execution and told her to organise pizza & beer so we could all get liquored up and rejoice. Back to Toronto and few well earned quite ones with the cousie & co.
Baseball:
Still with the young ones we went to the baseball, huge stadium holds about 85,000 to 95,000 humans. Blue Jays [home team] playing the White Sox. Good atmosphere, reasonable crowd, not enough organ music to get us going, the standard Mexican wave, great value [should send up the Eden Park people to see how its done] great seats for only $8.75 per person, a few beers & hotdogs all readily available and an enjoyable 4 hrs of baseball.
Hezbollah:
For once in my life I’m not going to go there???? Di armi atomiche I bastardi. Email me if you want the translation, however when have I ever been diplomatic, it means nuke the bastards in Italian. All complaints can be sent to jujuwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly. So all complaints greatly appreciated.
Lord of the Rings:
Ju and I went to the stage production of “Lord of the Rings” not to be mistaken for our local production “Lord of my Ring” which is quite understandable considering where we live, and that’s a whole story in itself and lets not go there. The actual stage drama was one of the best visual and staged productions I have ever been to. The costumes and special effects were just out of this world. It is a pity really as the critics gave it bad reviews and it has lost millions and is closing at the end of September all because some idiot critic who has his own opinion of what a production should be like. I have offered my services of course, and told them that if the female parts were played naked I could probably stretch it out until the end of October at least.
Racoons & Roadwork’s:
Not to be construed as a related issue however racoons are just as stupid as opossums and you see many of them not make it across the road.
Any how there are two seasons in Canada, winter and construction. Just about every road is being fixed and buildings appear overnight, literally. Its one thing about living in a big city, when they build they build fast.
It’s that time of year and the racoons & squirrels are running, skipping, playing and shagging. If you have ever heard a racoon fight you would know what I mean it’s like a cat fight only 5 times as loud and 10 times as vicious. One night we could here a cat & racoon going at it for a short time then it went quite, I think they shook hands and moved on, however rumour has it that someone has been calling out for jinksey for a week now, I wonder what that means. You can’t help but wake up and see what the hell is going on. It is quite amazing to be living downtown in a city of 6 million people and to have squirrels, racoons, chipmunks & even eagles all right there in your yard.
A Horse called Frank:
Not to be mistaken for his cousin Hank who I had a run in with at the airport. Frank was on duty downtown the other night; it is hilarious as they ride up the main street [like Queen Street only bigger] with a red light flashing on the back of the saddle like a bike light. I always stop to have a chat and the police guys are always pleasant, we reminisced about the days we used to ride in fields, herd cattle etc, I am building up to ask for a ride but may be pushing my luck here all I need is another gun drawing episode. They get a call out and it’s away at full canter up the street, quite a spectacle actually.
Petrol Prices:
Just to piss you all off when paying $1.70 per L +/- at the pump. Last week our price shot up to $1.18 per L, there was an out cry even protests, then someone told Canada that they have the biggest oil field and oil sand capabilities in the world, we rejoiced, even danced in the streets and the best of all THE PRICE DROPPED TO 97c. Imagine that the price actually dropping; try telling that one to Chairman Helen.
That's it for now,
Toronto Pip
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