Hooters and Bill Clinton (a match made in heaven) October 25 2005

Hi To All,




Welcome to "The Week That Was" an enlightening capture

of the goings on of Toronto Pip and his Trusty

(although sometimes dusty sidekick)Mississauga Juju.



As you may be aware I have had some trouble with

writers block, however I am back with vengeance and

some off you may think that my latest jejune missive

is absolute diatribe garbage. But here it is anyway,

and I don't want negative responses questioning the

banality of its contents only being surpassed by the

egregious form of my writing. Wow what a start. Crikey

some of you may need to get the dictionary out for

this one.



Its been good up here and there has been a bit going

on. We had Bill Clinton come into town, quite frankly

the man looks unwell. It does not change the fact that

he still swoons all the girls and does have the

amazing characteristic that is charisma. He

unfortunately declined my offer of a quick pint and a

cigar in the local as he had other arrangements that

were apparently more important. I may have crossed the

line with the cigar and incest comment, I did not have

sexual relations with my relative, I mean I did not

have a sexual relationship with my, alas it was too

late the damage was done and he was gone.



Gondola (yes I know it's a Venetian boat) Rice or what

ever her name is, is also in town, she has the

enviable job of discussing the North American soft

wood issue (maybe they should have sent Bill to do

this one, he has no trouble with soft wood). Anyway

she disagrees with Canada on this one.



It has got cold here, one thing you can rely on is the

weather man, unlike at home in NZ when they say its

going to happen, 97.5% of the time it does. We are

swinging (not literally) between 3 & 8 degrees and we

have been told to expect some snow this weekend. I am

going to celebrate by having a swim in the lake. I

will have to time this right as it is dark at 6pm and

not light again until 7.30am and I would hate to be

ravaged by a marauding salmon or randy bass.



You know when winter is her, the ads go from jet-skis

to snowmobiles overnight. Invitations read bring

firewood, whisky, bear repellent, rifle, skis,

snowmobile optional.

The trees are red,

The grass is dead,

I wonder where the bears is.

The wind is cold,

The moose are bold,

My wife is old.

I think I'll stick to writing the week that was

instead.



We went line dancing and two stepping the other night,

its actually not bad, although the country music does

grind on you. It all went well, but understandably

with all the gay boys in our community there was a

large shortage of females. So the inevitable happened,

I was asked to dance. It was fine as I am at one with

my sexuality, however we had issues as we both

insisted on leading (apparently he is the boy in his

relationship also), it made for some interesting steps

on the dance floor.



Now you are going to have to read my views on the

outcome of NZ's election. Mainly the Auckland

situation which can be seen as an overview of the

country??



Its called "every vote would count"

This election over 90% of us raised off our respective

bums and voted, unfortunately voting in a collective

of bums as well.



But hey that's your right, and if you want a result,

really really want a result then mouthing off at the

dinner party won't cut it.



National pushed hard and did well with the party vote

and very nearly came through. But all through South

Auckland the Maori party were busy enrolling first

time voters with the instruction to vote for the Maori

electorate candidate and give your party vote to

Labour. Nearly Labours down fall. Meantime the Labour

party were very busy working the Islander vote in the

same areas (many Pacificas were hostile to much of

Labours pro gay legislation, I say harden up you guys,

are you forgetting your Fa'a'fafine. But that was

enough for a labour lead coalition. Meanwhile Rodney

Hide mobilised a team of Chinese who got their vote

out and nearly 7000 of the little guys (there taking

over the world you know) and voted for act in Epsom.

The very clear moral here is that Auckland is only the

most ethnically driven city, but not the only one.

Winston gets foreign affairs (god help us), but Not

Trade, (thank god). On the other hand Helen baby will

still write all his scripts so I don't think we'll be

declaring any wars. And it may be that Helen is

getting in a bit of succession planning. Dissent is

not allowed in her presence (your little red books

will be turning up soon). But what happens if Doc

Cullen gets hit by a bus? She knows full well that

most of her caucus couldn't read a bank statement

never mind a balance sheet, as well as the fall out

from the flawed legislation driven by Margaret Wilson

still shows great damage potential.

BUT we have a government with neither Green nor Maori

Party in Cabinet (ye ha), so pass the Pinot Noir and

lets have a drink and plot.



Juju got bored on Sunday and dragged me out into the

cold and decided she wanted to go to "Hooters" for

lunch, Yes Hooters, I can honestly say I had nothing

to do with this, not even planting the seed. We were

served by Tasha a wonderful young lady with great

personal-titty. We watched the games, yes games, there

were five on the go. I must admit I had difficulty

concentrating.



The ice hockey is in full swing and they deserve to

wear pads, they play 2 to 3 times a week and get

smacked up pretty bad.



The American Football is different its an absolute

waste of time. They take two hours to get around 10

Min's of actual ball in play time. Needless to say I

have no interest in this game and have no problem

telling them to harden up and get involved in a real

game.



Well that's all been pretty tame so I better add some

rudeness so that mum will have something to be

embarrassed about. So here goes.



A new friend of mine up here is 58, divorced and has

had the snip (vasectomy for you slow ones). He meet

this fantastic 20 year old and has married her. He

goes to the Doc and says,



"Hey since I saw you last I have a new wife, she is 20

and you won't believe it she is pregnant". "What do

you think about that"?



The doc considers this for a moment.

He begins "I have a friend who is an avid hunter, one

day he goes into the forest and to his absolute

disbelieve he forgot his ammo". "So to not have a

complete shit of a day he decides to do through the

motions anyway". "He sees this huge beaver, a real

trophy one", "so he raises his gun and pretends to

pull the trigger".



"Suddenly two shots rang out and the beaver fell over

dead, WHAT do you think of that"??



Friend

" I'd say someone else pumped a couple of rounds into

that beaver"



Doc

"My Point exactly".



Cheers for now

Love to all

Toronto Pip.



Next week I talk All Black selections and the Kyoto

protocol, won't that be exciting.

Bro and Broess in Town: October 18 2005

Hi to all,




Paint me red and call me rusty, all the girls are big

and busty. I'm back, for this I apologise?



I know you won't believe me but "Toronto Pip" actually

had writers block [yes I can here you all say its a

shame his oral orifice didn't suffer the same]. I have

tried a few times but to no avail! And my Trusty [or

should that be musty] side kick Mississauga Juju was

of no help either.

So warning to all, I'm back and I have allot to say,

some of it personal some not, so it could be a novel.

Get a coffee and chocolate biscuit, sit back and

enjoy.



Chapter One:

"Outlaw Paul & Moira" leave for NZ.



Anyway, "Outlaw Paul & Moira" left for home, there

were tears [and that was just me, see next sentence].

It was truly sad to see them go, it was fantastic to

have them here and their generosity towards us was

bloody fantastic [hence my tears]. It took me a full

day to stop Mississauga Juju from leaking [she needs

to cut back on the beer, I was lead to believe that

girls retained water]?. She really enjoyed having her

parents here, and their travelling together around

Canada will be a memory we will have forever. I only

hope "Outlaw Paul & Moira" survive the opening of

their Visa bill, so that they enjoy this memory also.

To be honest we could not have done it with out them.

So "Outlaw Moira & Paul" a huge thanks from Toronto

Pip".



Chapter Two:

"Bro Matt" [It was a birthday visit]& "Sis-outlaw

Linda" turn up.



After seeing "Outlaw Paul & Moira" off on Thursday

lunch time, Toronto Pip & Mississauga Juju only just

had time to finish dinner and I was back to the

airport Friday morning to pick up "Bro & Outlaw-Sis"

It was a short 4 night, 5 day whirl wind tour of

alcohol, food & women, [I mean drinking, eating, &

some sight seeing].

Friday up the Manu-life building to the 53rd floor bar

that gives you a bloody fantastic view of Toronto. We

scored with a clear night however the cold wind did

its best to spoil the event. After this we went to

"Hemingway's" the Kiwi owned bar, that we frequent,

"Bro & Outlaw-sis" meet the owner Marty who although

has a pony tail is a bloody fantastic bloke. He stayed

for a chat and then kindly shouted a few quiet ones.



Saturday morning cruised and went to famous St Laurent

food market. In the afternoon "Bro" shouted us all to

"the ball game" [baseball] and we watched the Toronto

Blue Jays play the Kansas City Royals. It was the

second to last game of the season, however it didn't

lack any atmosphere. We did the normal things, beer

drinking, peanut eating and shell spitting as well as

the "staple" hot-dog eating. After this it was off to

a small establishment that has 179 beers on the menu.

I have made it up #42 so far [Not in one sitting, that

would be stupid]. I believe Mum & Dad had a hand in

the financing of a few quiet ones here. I did you

proud mum & dad I paced myself and only had 8 pints

instead of my normal 10. Makes all the girls beautiful

then eh?



Sunday we went to Niagara Falls and did the tourist

bit, Bro and Sis-outlaw-law enjoyed this and I have to

say it doesn't matter how many times you see it [not

to boast but I have been to Niagara falls 10 times] it

is still a great sight. Then down to the town of

Niagara on the Lake. We had a picnic by the lake, and

did a couple of vineyards, then back to Toronto for

more food and alcohol.



Monday, shopping was the order of the day and some

other touristy things, and then a home meal with my

new world famous meatballs and sauce. You have to try

it to believe it [come on up its worth it].



Tuesday another trip to the airport and more leaking.

For the next week Ju and I sat stunned and in silence

[hard for me] wondering what the hell had just

happened. Back to our Toronto life and missing

everybody madly.

Send donations to "Save Toronto Pip" fund, C/o TD

Canada Trust Bank, Toronto, reference Toronto Pip, all

donations gratefully accepted and are tax deductible,

[at my end not yours], he he.



Chapter Three:

"Life goes on"



USA, I have managed to steer clear of bullet proof

vest and hand gun country [Detroit] but next couple of

weeks I will have to venture forth with trepidation.

Then down to Toledo.Ohio where it looks like I will

need to keep the vest handy also. Then across to

Cleveland.Ohio, fly to Chicago.Illinois, Buffalo.New

York, as they all need visiting as well. At least they

are great places to be.



Canada I also will be visiting Ottawa, Montreal,

Calgary & Vancouver so will be flat out until Xmas.

Only have six weeks as after that snow and crap

weather makes travelling a bit tricky.



We have just had Thanks Giving which was great [and

before you smart ones jump up and down, Canada has it

a month earlier than USA]. Juju made her first pumpkin

pie which they have as a desert. It kind of sounds

bizarre but it works. You have it with whipped cream &

ice-cream. [I have sent you all a piece, so beware the

squishy mail, ha-ha]



The city is building up for Xmas, all the street

lights are being wrapped in fairy lights [which has

got all the gay boys excited, with fairy lights and

all].



Still we have to get through Halloween first, bloody

hell you have never seen anything like it, the effort

that allot of families and apartments go to are

unbelievable. Ghosts, skeletons and jack-o-lanterns

everywhere up in trees on balconies suspended in

mid-air and all. And I have never seen so many huge

pumpkins in all my life.



Anyway enough about all that. I have been doing my

best to keep the world together and in harmony,

[albeit with mother nature doing her best to stuff it

right back up us], all though at times my patients

has been stretched. I thought Canada was English

French speaking, yet I still get asked on a daily

basis to repeat myself. I even had a rag-head taxi

driver the other ask me to speak English, I nearly hit

him. I gave him my best prolonged diatribe of most

excellent orating I could muster, including swear

words in my best English. He unfortunately thought I

had gone mad and was going to kill him so he called

the police. So this next little bit is from me to you

about him.



Its called fucking "Towel Heads".

I received a warning [from the police] about the use

of this politically incorrect term.

We need to be more sensitive in our choice of words

they say.

They informed me that the Islams [terrorists, who hate

our cuts and want to kill us],

Do Not like to be called "Towel Heads".

Since the item they wear on their heads is not a

towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet.

So therefore, from this point forward, please refer to

them as "LITTLE SHEET HEADS"



Also.

I boarded a flight carrying two dead raccoons

[I wanted to make a Daniel Boon Hat]

and the stewardess said "I'm sorry sir only one

carrion allowed per customer"



Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one turns to the

other and says "dam".



Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.



So long for now, I hope you enjoyed.

Love to all,

Toronto Pip.