Hi all,
Welcome to an emotionally filled, yet strangely
normal, anniversary edition of the goings on of
Toronto Pip.
I don’t want you to get all teary eyed, and I know how
you have all missed me soooo much! But I would just
like to point out that it is my one year anniversary.
Yep it has been one year, since I left Aoteoroa [our
little bit of paradise], and it only feels like
yesterday.
But don’t panic just yet I am not returning to
terrorise you all just yet. [seriously thinking about
taking a posting in Qatar or India, but that’s a whole
different story in itself], because right in the back
of my mind is this little hammer, this little
yearning, this silent pull, back to home.
HOWEVER not for a couple of years? And definitely not
until we have a “HOOTERS” bar, preferable Kohi/St
Heliers.
I have had fun, adventure, travels, memories that can
never be taken away, but I do miss family, friends,
sheep [not that way sicko], and a decent piece of
bloody beef. Christ they go on and on about there beef
and quite frankly it is crap [and as you can imagine I
tell them so].
Sure Texas has Kobe like beef farms, but still it does
not have that we eat grass, outside, 365 days of the
year flavour that our beef has. Same goes for their
dairy products.
Sure there is Ontario lamb, well I actually crack up
laughing at the St Laurent Saturday market as they
sell their Ontario lamb, which to me looks remarkably
like a leg of hogget or mutton. Either that or they
have some kind of super lamb as the joints are the
size of my thigh? A couple of the butchers have
cottoned onto the fact that I am a Kiwi [and might
know something about meat] they disappear out the back
and come in with real slabs of meat. And on occasion
they get really excited as they actually have New
Zealand lamb in stock. And without being biased it
sooo much better, even they agree on this one.
As for Mississauga Juju, I am concerned here, she has
taken to the bottle, BEER bottle that is. Paint me red
and call me rusty but she has become a beer expert,
and this is in the winter, god help me when it starts
getting warm. Preference “Sleeman’s Honey Brown” and
god help anyone who doesn’t have it. Ju is quite the
picture heading off to “the beer store” [actual name]
with her empties in her trolley [I’m not joking]. They
still give money back on returns here. I will take a
picture as it is well worth a laugh.
Anyway that’s all for now. Next week London & Paris so
“the week that was” should be entertaining, followed
by Montreal & Ottawa, it sounds so very global but
it’s all so close. So hang onto your hats and I will
catch up with you soon.
By the way give me some of your news, its always great
to hear from home, and don’t think that it is boring
compared, because actually we are just doing what is
to be done in this part of the world.
I know its summer and all but we are going skiing
again this weekend. Will try and get some photos to
you.
Love to all
Toronto Pip
Friday, February 24, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
"The Weeks That Were" [Ground Hog's, Grits & Business Trips] Feb 21 2006
Hi all,
Cat got your tongue, oh how quickly they forget, any
way back into my normal delivery of the goings on of
Toronto Pip and Mississauga Juju.
I trust I catch you all well and enjoying the summer.
I am loving winter here and don't know what they all
complain about. Just last night it was -13 degrees and
I still managed to take the dog out for a walk with
my rugby shorts on. The locals can't believe it and
they stand out there looking like bloody Eskimo's
complaining how cold it is. Harden up I say, [which is
probably the wrong thing considering most of them are
gay].
I know that you have all been waiting anxiously for
"the week that was", some even pinning. It has become
a kind of expectation, a cult even. However with
travel etc this time it has to be "THE WEEKS THAT
WERE". I will try in my own way to keep it brief.
GROUNDHOG DAY,
February 2nd an American & Canadian tradition were
people trek to Gobblers Knob [and no its not just
around the corner from where we live, however I
believe half off those there believe they will get
some]. Only to find Punxsutawney Phil a cute little
groundhog who predicts the end of winter. Its the day
he comes out of his hole after a long winter sleep to
look for his shadow [just like Mississauga Juju].
If it is bright and clear six more months of winter is
there.
If it is dull and cloudy, Phil recons winters over.
Needless to say we are having a longer winter.
GRITS,
What the hell is this all about, every time I go to
the mid-west or mid-south of the US of A. I am always
served coffee by Cletus, and then his sister, who is
also his mother [that explains the missing teeth and
the slow talk]. Anyway it always happens I get asked,
"you want Hominy grits or plain grits", oh god I don't
want to be rude but who the f..k wants something
called grits for breakfast. Its made from the flint or
dent of corn with hard kernels that are dried on the
cob but then they soak them in a solution of baking
soda, lime & wood ash. Apparently this soften and
loosens the hulls [not to mention softens and loosens
something else]. Plus if need be they can use the
mixture to help with the road works. Unfortunately I
had to spend the whole day in Pleasant Shade,
Tennessee and after the grits I can assure you I
wasn't a pleasant shade. They cook them in about two
inches of bacon fat. Also this was the only place in
town that you could eat at. Back for lunch and feeling
safe only to find they serve grits for all meals [I
skipped dinner]. Cletus was still there with Beth who
is his mothers sister which makes her his aunt as well
as his other sister [try and keep up will you].
BUSINESS TRIPS.
I am making a bit of an effort in the north of US of
A, been visiting and or about to visit Minnesota,
Iowa, Illinois, Missouri, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania
and of course my favourite Michigan. Car Capital of
the world, or should that be gun capital of the world.
[I travel packing heat and am never far from the
bullet proof vest]. Its great you go to restaurants
and they have lockers as there is a no gun policy
inside, plus you have to walk through metal detectors
to prove your clean. WOW WHAT A COUNTRY. [I have my
own opinion on that but that would be another whole
new email in its self].
We had a visit from Vicky Broadbent [or as I like to
call her Mistress Vicky] so you can imagine the carry
on that week, yet again a whole email in its self. It
was great to see her and we had a ball.
Ju & I have been skiing [snow of course] and after a
few of you have picked yourselves up off the floor I
have to say I am loving it and will be at the 2010
Olympics probably skiing for Canada??? I will be in
ski jumping, downhill, aerials, and luge. Anyway back
up the hill this weekend to break in the new boots.
I am home in Toronto this week but next week a quick
trip to London and Paris, [just for 4 days]. Then I
have a split week in Wisconsin & Minnesota to train
some new reps and see one factory which is of interest
to us. So there you have it, a it boring I know, but
its the best I can do.
Send me a bit of your own news, its always good &
exciting to get emails, however dull.
Bye for now, Love to all.
Toronto Pip
Cat got your tongue, oh how quickly they forget, any
way back into my normal delivery of the goings on of
Toronto Pip and Mississauga Juju.
I trust I catch you all well and enjoying the summer.
I am loving winter here and don't know what they all
complain about. Just last night it was -13 degrees and
I still managed to take the dog out for a walk with
my rugby shorts on. The locals can't believe it and
they stand out there looking like bloody Eskimo's
complaining how cold it is. Harden up I say, [which is
probably the wrong thing considering most of them are
gay].
I know that you have all been waiting anxiously for
"the week that was", some even pinning. It has become
a kind of expectation, a cult even. However with
travel etc this time it has to be "THE WEEKS THAT
WERE". I will try in my own way to keep it brief.
GROUNDHOG DAY,
February 2nd an American & Canadian tradition were
people trek to Gobblers Knob [and no its not just
around the corner from where we live, however I
believe half off those there believe they will get
some]. Only to find Punxsutawney Phil a cute little
groundhog who predicts the end of winter. Its the day
he comes out of his hole after a long winter sleep to
look for his shadow [just like Mississauga Juju].
If it is bright and clear six more months of winter is
there.
If it is dull and cloudy, Phil recons winters over.
Needless to say we are having a longer winter.
GRITS,
What the hell is this all about, every time I go to
the mid-west or mid-south of the US of A. I am always
served coffee by Cletus, and then his sister, who is
also his mother [that explains the missing teeth and
the slow talk]. Anyway it always happens I get asked,
"you want Hominy grits or plain grits", oh god I don't
want to be rude but who the f..k wants something
called grits for breakfast. Its made from the flint or
dent of corn with hard kernels that are dried on the
cob but then they soak them in a solution of baking
soda, lime & wood ash. Apparently this soften and
loosens the hulls [not to mention softens and loosens
something else]. Plus if need be they can use the
mixture to help with the road works. Unfortunately I
had to spend the whole day in Pleasant Shade,
Tennessee and after the grits I can assure you I
wasn't a pleasant shade. They cook them in about two
inches of bacon fat. Also this was the only place in
town that you could eat at. Back for lunch and feeling
safe only to find they serve grits for all meals [I
skipped dinner]. Cletus was still there with Beth who
is his mothers sister which makes her his aunt as well
as his other sister [try and keep up will you].
BUSINESS TRIPS.
I am making a bit of an effort in the north of US of
A, been visiting and or about to visit Minnesota,
Iowa, Illinois, Missouri, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania
and of course my favourite Michigan. Car Capital of
the world, or should that be gun capital of the world.
[I travel packing heat and am never far from the
bullet proof vest]. Its great you go to restaurants
and they have lockers as there is a no gun policy
inside, plus you have to walk through metal detectors
to prove your clean. WOW WHAT A COUNTRY. [I have my
own opinion on that but that would be another whole
new email in its self].
We had a visit from Vicky Broadbent [or as I like to
call her Mistress Vicky] so you can imagine the carry
on that week, yet again a whole email in its self. It
was great to see her and we had a ball.
Ju & I have been skiing [snow of course] and after a
few of you have picked yourselves up off the floor I
have to say I am loving it and will be at the 2010
Olympics probably skiing for Canada??? I will be in
ski jumping, downhill, aerials, and luge. Anyway back
up the hill this weekend to break in the new boots.
I am home in Toronto this week but next week a quick
trip to London and Paris, [just for 4 days]. Then I
have a split week in Wisconsin & Minnesota to train
some new reps and see one factory which is of interest
to us. So there you have it, a it boring I know, but
its the best I can do.
Send me a bit of your own news, its always good &
exciting to get emails, however dull.
Bye for now, Love to all.
Toronto Pip
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Regina, Saskatoon,Bambi & other frozen things: Feb 1 2006
Hi Again,
More exciting business adventures of Toronto Pip in
the Canadian wilderness.
Anyway after the wonderful flight and sporting a graze
to the side of my nose, I ventured out into the
thriving metropolis that is Regina {it rhymes with}, a
wonderful town of 180,000 people. There was the most
amazing haw frost and the tree's looked well, amazing.
That was about the best of Regina.
Meetings all morning then off to a couple of site
visits, all rather boring really. Well so I thought,
after a 30 min drive we pull up to the gates of SasGeo
Energy, cool I thought a geothermal power plant. OH NO
it was only a front for a NUCLEAR power plant with the
geo part coming from else where? [I offered my
services as I had had re-fried beans at breakfast].
If you have never been to a nuclear plant do, they are
great, I think NZ needs a few, it would solve all our
energy problems, and of course some poor country is
always willing to take the waste and hide it.
I have to admit to being slightly cautious, well as
cautious as I can be. [You know a bit like a kid in a
candy store]. They got sick of my questions, whats
this, whats that, why, when, can I push that big red
button, why are sirens sounding, [I didn't do it]?
Then we got to the reactor part, cool being that close
to all that uranium. I decided to joke and asked the
lab technician if he was interested in space, [when he
answered yes I asked if anyone had probed Uranus].
They do take it seriously, no cell phones, [probably
so if it Chernobyl's when you are in there you can't
call anyone], and after you leave the reactor room you
pass through a giegercounter thingimyjig, to see if
you have gathered any radio active material while in
there. I tried to impersonate the noise those machines
make but no one was fooled.
I got back to my hotel, and when it was time to sleep
turned of the lights, and couldn't work out why it
wasn't dark. Then I realised I was glowing green,
[must have been something I ate].
Up in the morning and off to Saskatoon [which rhymes
with baboon] couldn't think of anything rude. A 3 hour
drive, so relatively short by North American
standards. The weather was gale force with the snowing
either going sideways or up, black ice everywhere, and
the road disappearing from time to time [makes for an
exciting drive and christ do you get tired
concentrating though]. Then I realsised it was 10am
and still dark, [must be further north that I
anticipated, arctic circle region].
Travel tip, don't put Regina [rhymes with va...] or
Saskatoon [rhymes with baboon] on your Canadian travel
plans. Although I can get you into the nuclear power
plant no problems.
But wait that's not all, the drive back to Regina
[rhymes with ...] was not without fun and games. Black
ice and no visibility aside it is still a requirement
to drive at 120kph, this is great until Bambi decides
to do the proverbial lets cross the road trick, now
all experience tells you to slam on the picks, swerve,
panic and all that, however I choose to floor it. Here
I ask the question, [you know all is well as I am
writing this down after the fact], but my question is,
why do animals get half way across then stop and stare
at you, Bambi move you fool, SMACK, BANG to late, [oh
look there is where I was going, and there is where I
have been, there is where is was going again, and
there is have been again, WEEEEEEE you can spin a car
in these conditions approx 8 times.
I hope Bambi is alright, whoops no I don't think Bambi
is moving. Man can a 40lb animal make a dent or what,
[car driveable check], will send photo soon, don't
show the kids, [seeing a damaged car like that is so
traumatic]. Pip 1 Deer 0. Car rental company not at
all upset happens all the time. Insurance Co 1 Pip 0.
Great, another airport, "when do we board", 6.35pm "Ok
thanks". 6.40pm oh look surprise surprise there's no
plane at our gate, attention all passengers on flight
blar blar blar to Toronto there is a slight delay,
[you think]? As there is no plane at our gate and we
are the only f....ing people in the airport that we
need to have 10 messages attention all passengers on
flight blar blar blar to Toronto there is a further
delay. Oh goodie lets have a drink, what do you mean
the bar closes at 7.30pm, what the hell
kind of place is this. Anyway get back to Toronto with
a very smooth flight, albeit 1am. Oh well that's
business life for you.
Well there you have it, a small insight into Toronto
Pips excellent business adventure to Saskatchewan
region, to its capital Regina and Saskatoon. What a
great name.
Bye for now.
Toronto Pip
More exciting business adventures of Toronto Pip in
the Canadian wilderness.
Anyway after the wonderful flight and sporting a graze
to the side of my nose, I ventured out into the
thriving metropolis that is Regina {it rhymes with}, a
wonderful town of 180,000 people. There was the most
amazing haw frost and the tree's looked well, amazing.
That was about the best of Regina.
Meetings all morning then off to a couple of site
visits, all rather boring really. Well so I thought,
after a 30 min drive we pull up to the gates of SasGeo
Energy, cool I thought a geothermal power plant. OH NO
it was only a front for a NUCLEAR power plant with the
geo part coming from else where? [I offered my
services as I had had re-fried beans at breakfast].
If you have never been to a nuclear plant do, they are
great, I think NZ needs a few, it would solve all our
energy problems, and of course some poor country is
always willing to take the waste and hide it.
I have to admit to being slightly cautious, well as
cautious as I can be. [You know a bit like a kid in a
candy store]. They got sick of my questions, whats
this, whats that, why, when, can I push that big red
button, why are sirens sounding, [I didn't do it]?
Then we got to the reactor part, cool being that close
to all that uranium. I decided to joke and asked the
lab technician if he was interested in space, [when he
answered yes I asked if anyone had probed Uranus].
They do take it seriously, no cell phones, [probably
so if it Chernobyl's when you are in there you can't
call anyone], and after you leave the reactor room you
pass through a giegercounter thingimyjig, to see if
you have gathered any radio active material while in
there. I tried to impersonate the noise those machines
make but no one was fooled.
I got back to my hotel, and when it was time to sleep
turned of the lights, and couldn't work out why it
wasn't dark. Then I realised I was glowing green,
[must have been something I ate].
Up in the morning and off to Saskatoon [which rhymes
with baboon] couldn't think of anything rude. A 3 hour
drive, so relatively short by North American
standards. The weather was gale force with the snowing
either going sideways or up, black ice everywhere, and
the road disappearing from time to time [makes for an
exciting drive and christ do you get tired
concentrating though]. Then I realsised it was 10am
and still dark, [must be further north that I
anticipated, arctic circle region].
Travel tip, don't put Regina [rhymes with va...] or
Saskatoon [rhymes with baboon] on your Canadian travel
plans. Although I can get you into the nuclear power
plant no problems.
But wait that's not all, the drive back to Regina
[rhymes with ...] was not without fun and games. Black
ice and no visibility aside it is still a requirement
to drive at 120kph, this is great until Bambi decides
to do the proverbial lets cross the road trick, now
all experience tells you to slam on the picks, swerve,
panic and all that, however I choose to floor it. Here
I ask the question, [you know all is well as I am
writing this down after the fact], but my question is,
why do animals get half way across then stop and stare
at you, Bambi move you fool, SMACK, BANG to late, [oh
look there is where I was going, and there is where I
have been, there is where is was going again, and
there is have been again, WEEEEEEE you can spin a car
in these conditions approx 8 times.
I hope Bambi is alright, whoops no I don't think Bambi
is moving. Man can a 40lb animal make a dent or what,
[car driveable check], will send photo soon, don't
show the kids, [seeing a damaged car like that is so
traumatic]. Pip 1 Deer 0. Car rental company not at
all upset happens all the time. Insurance Co 1 Pip 0.
Great, another airport, "when do we board", 6.35pm "Ok
thanks". 6.40pm oh look surprise surprise there's no
plane at our gate, attention all passengers on flight
blar blar blar to Toronto there is a slight delay,
[you think]? As there is no plane at our gate and we
are the only f....ing people in the airport that we
need to have 10 messages attention all passengers on
flight blar blar blar to Toronto there is a further
delay. Oh goodie lets have a drink, what do you mean
the bar closes at 7.30pm, what the hell
kind of place is this. Anyway get back to Toronto with
a very smooth flight, albeit 1am. Oh well that's
business life for you.
Well there you have it, a small insight into Toronto
Pips excellent business adventure to Saskatchewan
region, to its capital Regina and Saskatoon. What a
great name.
Bye for now.
Toronto Pip
Monday, January 30, 2006
Did I tell you about the girl I met in Regina......January 30 2006
Crikey Its Toronto Pip with his trusty, oh no it's a
business trip so am on my todd.
Welcome to "the business trip that is".
Haven't had time for "the week that was" of late so
you are just going to have to put up with this short
and sweet rendition of my latest business trip.
I was sitting at Toronto airport Sunday afternoon
working out how many planes I have been on, how many
hotels I have stayed in, how many rental f...ing cars
I have hired [and were the hell am I going this time]
and wondered to myself what the hell is it all about,
way are we here, did we evolve [some of my friends
proof we did] shit that was a bit heavy, lets digress
to my trip before I get all teary eyed.
Take of 4pm to Saskatchewan, NO it was delayed out of
Saskatchewan as there was a blizzard. Take of at 7pm
NO, as we had to wait in line to be sprayed with fluid
to de-ice. Take of at 7.30 NO, we now had to wait in a
cue for 30 Min's before take off. At least I going
back in time if you know what I mean. Who ever said
travel was glamours needs a kick up the jacksy.
Flight to Sas very smooth, not so with the landing as
we had to fly through high winds [and that was just
from my pants], through a blizzard, as I was looking
out window to see were the runway was we hit, bounced,
hit, bounced, hit, bounced, hit and stopped bouncing,
[it was like watching the women's final at Melbourne,
I mean the young lady sitting next to me breast's were
doing a fantastic impersonation]. I was just starting
to get excited when the bloody pilot decided to slam
the plane into a skid, hit full reverse and brakes at
the same time so my last vision was not of a wonderful
pair of firm knocker's getting back to a normal sway
but the f...ing tray in the upright position smacking
me in the nose. To top it off the nob up the front [I
mean the pilot] announced welcome to Regina [which
sounds like va.... and his landing nearly gave me
angina]. Its a crisp -11 with wind chills of -20. Oh
great I forgot my battery operated heated long johns
and my hat. Into another Hotel to find the bar under
construction and the restaurant closed, great.
Any way I have a days work in Regina, and then up to
Saskatoon for another day, that will be great as its
-20 with wind chill of - f..k its cold. I will keep
you informed of my first real drive into the
wilderness, at the counter of the rental car company,
will you be taking the insurance option sir, "hell
yes, and can I have the red mustang I haven't bent one
of those?, Yet!
Catch you soon
Love to all
Toronto Schumaker Pip
business trip so am on my todd.
Welcome to "the business trip that is".
Haven't had time for "the week that was" of late so
you are just going to have to put up with this short
and sweet rendition of my latest business trip.
I was sitting at Toronto airport Sunday afternoon
working out how many planes I have been on, how many
hotels I have stayed in, how many rental f...ing cars
I have hired [and were the hell am I going this time]
and wondered to myself what the hell is it all about,
way are we here, did we evolve [some of my friends
proof we did] shit that was a bit heavy, lets digress
to my trip before I get all teary eyed.
Take of 4pm to Saskatchewan, NO it was delayed out of
Saskatchewan as there was a blizzard. Take of at 7pm
NO, as we had to wait in line to be sprayed with fluid
to de-ice. Take of at 7.30 NO, we now had to wait in a
cue for 30 Min's before take off. At least I going
back in time if you know what I mean. Who ever said
travel was glamours needs a kick up the jacksy.
Flight to Sas very smooth, not so with the landing as
we had to fly through high winds [and that was just
from my pants], through a blizzard, as I was looking
out window to see were the runway was we hit, bounced,
hit, bounced, hit, bounced, hit and stopped bouncing,
[it was like watching the women's final at Melbourne,
I mean the young lady sitting next to me breast's were
doing a fantastic impersonation]. I was just starting
to get excited when the bloody pilot decided to slam
the plane into a skid, hit full reverse and brakes at
the same time so my last vision was not of a wonderful
pair of firm knocker's getting back to a normal sway
but the f...ing tray in the upright position smacking
me in the nose. To top it off the nob up the front [I
mean the pilot] announced welcome to Regina [which
sounds like va.... and his landing nearly gave me
angina]. Its a crisp -11 with wind chills of -20. Oh
great I forgot my battery operated heated long johns
and my hat. Into another Hotel to find the bar under
construction and the restaurant closed, great.
Any way I have a days work in Regina, and then up to
Saskatoon for another day, that will be great as its
-20 with wind chill of - f..k its cold. I will keep
you informed of my first real drive into the
wilderness, at the counter of the rental car company,
will you be taking the insurance option sir, "hell
yes, and can I have the red mustang I haven't bent one
of those?, Yet!
Catch you soon
Love to all
Toronto Schumaker Pip
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
New York on my Mind: January 25 2006
Kia ora to all back home in NZ,
It is I Toronto Pip, no I mean NYPD (New York Pip
Dept), oh I have no idea who I am.
Currently I am commuting to New York every week from
Toronto. So it is down on Monday morn & back Friday
evening, as you can guess the "banshee" is not overly
happy with these arrangements... I can assure you it
is not such a great arrangement for me either...not
enough jiggy jiggy.
Here is last weeks flying adventure...
Limo picks me up at 4am (yes limo, or town car as they
call them up here) the early hour due to the fact that
it is an international flight. Check in, no luggage
only carry on. Sit in seat at 6.15am, taxi out while
looking at snow storm dumping about 6 inches of snow
on the wing??? We de-ice which takes about 15 Min's,
then taxi to take off, pilot not happy so back to
gate...Back out to de-ice at 7.45am, this time there
is a queue, wait another 30Min's...De-ice and taxi to
join a 20min queue...Pilot announces that flight has
been cancelled due to ice rain and the plane is not
rated for flying in ice-rain. In many ways this is
rather comforting...We de-plane & there is the normal
stampede to the gate to re-book. We seasoned
traveller's stay in our seats and hit the Continental
re-dial button and re-book on the 10.30 flight with
which we are told to go to gate 9 to collect boarding
passes, 75 people do not go into 40 seats. Stroll up
to the gate and wait patiently at back of queue. They
announce that flight is full, however could Pip Wood,
John Smith etc etc please come and collect their
boarding passes. The looks we get are hostile to say
the least...Finally we take off...have 25Min's of
horrendous turbulence and arrive in Newark at 2.14pm.
Friday, limo picks me up at 5.15pm to drive to
airport, big queues as it is Friday, 8.15pm flight
back to Toronto...it starts to snow horizontally...we
board as per usual and push back on time at 8pm...taxi
out to be de-iced, with pilot saying we are on time
and will be taking off shortly after this
process...then announces that we are 39th in the
queue...2 hrs later we de-ice...taxi...and take
off...arrive in Toronto at 12.30am Sat...oh the joys
of living the life of an international business
person.
This week I chose to travel to Washington DC where I
had 2 important meetings. One was with the govt
contract dept...once you get in here and are on the
list...it means every project that is a govt funded
one...your product is specified automatically.
The next meeting was at the FBI headquarters in
DC...of course I was there on the day that George Baby
was having his State of The Nation speech...everybody
in law enforcement was on high alert...we were
visiting a very high tech area that was
CLASSIFIED...our product has been installed because of
its anti-static qualities...it was an experience...we
were x-rayed twice (this only showed up my hand
gun)...patted down twice (I pretend to enjoy that a
little to much)...no cell phones or any electronic
devices (what I can't use my spy camera in here)...I
tried to get on one of the computers to see what dirt
they had on me but alas I failed...as soon as you move
from where you are supposed to be someone in a blue
suit appears from no where...I wasn't even able to
keep my FBI visitors pass...When we left the building
I couldn't help but say "he's got a gun" loudly just
to get a reaction... apparently they don't fall for
that one anymore...
I was deposited on the pavement by two guys in blue
suits...what is it with the FBI and blue suits...
Oh god it's Super Bowl in a few weeks...I had to endue
a semi-final the other night...what a stupid game...it
takes 3 hrs to play a game of 4 x 20min
quarters...There was a game of rugby also playing but
trying to explain how real men play sport to this lot
is a waste of time...when the rugby game had finished
they were just finishing the 2nd quarter???
"The She Devil" is of to Paris next week...poor her
eh...we have a friend Robert who takes an apartment
there every year so she can stay for free...his boy
friend (hence Julie going to stay in Paris with our
friend Robert) Gerard is a fantastic & becoming well
known artist...so it gets me out of having to go there
and look at museum's/art galleries & old
buildings...all I want to do is chase French Skirt
(probably why I haven't been invited)...so she can
titter around look at art and fashion with two guys
who understand tittering about looking at art and
fashion...
Montreal (soon to be Manhattan) McGregor will have
some quality time with his dad...when I come down here
to NY he will have to join me...
That's all for now...I will be back soon as I have a
few more tales to tell...
NYPD Pip
Over and out.
It is I Toronto Pip, no I mean NYPD (New York Pip
Dept), oh I have no idea who I am.
Currently I am commuting to New York every week from
Toronto. So it is down on Monday morn & back Friday
evening, as you can guess the "banshee" is not overly
happy with these arrangements... I can assure you it
is not such a great arrangement for me either...not
enough jiggy jiggy.
Here is last weeks flying adventure...
Limo picks me up at 4am (yes limo, or town car as they
call them up here) the early hour due to the fact that
it is an international flight. Check in, no luggage
only carry on. Sit in seat at 6.15am, taxi out while
looking at snow storm dumping about 6 inches of snow
on the wing??? We de-ice which takes about 15 Min's,
then taxi to take off, pilot not happy so back to
gate...Back out to de-ice at 7.45am, this time there
is a queue, wait another 30Min's...De-ice and taxi to
join a 20min queue...Pilot announces that flight has
been cancelled due to ice rain and the plane is not
rated for flying in ice-rain. In many ways this is
rather comforting...We de-plane & there is the normal
stampede to the gate to re-book. We seasoned
traveller's stay in our seats and hit the Continental
re-dial button and re-book on the 10.30 flight with
which we are told to go to gate 9 to collect boarding
passes, 75 people do not go into 40 seats. Stroll up
to the gate and wait patiently at back of queue. They
announce that flight is full, however could Pip Wood,
John Smith etc etc please come and collect their
boarding passes. The looks we get are hostile to say
the least...Finally we take off...have 25Min's of
horrendous turbulence and arrive in Newark at 2.14pm.
Friday, limo picks me up at 5.15pm to drive to
airport, big queues as it is Friday, 8.15pm flight
back to Toronto...it starts to snow horizontally...we
board as per usual and push back on time at 8pm...taxi
out to be de-iced, with pilot saying we are on time
and will be taking off shortly after this
process...then announces that we are 39th in the
queue...2 hrs later we de-ice...taxi...and take
off...arrive in Toronto at 12.30am Sat...oh the joys
of living the life of an international business
person.
This week I chose to travel to Washington DC where I
had 2 important meetings. One was with the govt
contract dept...once you get in here and are on the
list...it means every project that is a govt funded
one...your product is specified automatically.
The next meeting was at the FBI headquarters in
DC...of course I was there on the day that George Baby
was having his State of The Nation speech...everybody
in law enforcement was on high alert...we were
visiting a very high tech area that was
CLASSIFIED...our product has been installed because of
its anti-static qualities...it was an experience...we
were x-rayed twice (this only showed up my hand
gun)...patted down twice (I pretend to enjoy that a
little to much)...no cell phones or any electronic
devices (what I can't use my spy camera in here)...I
tried to get on one of the computers to see what dirt
they had on me but alas I failed...as soon as you move
from where you are supposed to be someone in a blue
suit appears from no where...I wasn't even able to
keep my FBI visitors pass...When we left the building
I couldn't help but say "he's got a gun" loudly just
to get a reaction... apparently they don't fall for
that one anymore...
I was deposited on the pavement by two guys in blue
suits...what is it with the FBI and blue suits...
Oh god it's Super Bowl in a few weeks...I had to endue
a semi-final the other night...what a stupid game...it
takes 3 hrs to play a game of 4 x 20min
quarters...There was a game of rugby also playing but
trying to explain how real men play sport to this lot
is a waste of time...when the rugby game had finished
they were just finishing the 2nd quarter???
"The She Devil" is of to Paris next week...poor her
eh...we have a friend Robert who takes an apartment
there every year so she can stay for free...his boy
friend (hence Julie going to stay in Paris with our
friend Robert) Gerard is a fantastic & becoming well
known artist...so it gets me out of having to go there
and look at museum's/art galleries & old
buildings...all I want to do is chase French Skirt
(probably why I haven't been invited)...so she can
titter around look at art and fashion with two guys
who understand tittering about looking at art and
fashion...
Montreal (soon to be Manhattan) McGregor will have
some quality time with his dad...when I come down here
to NY he will have to join me...
That's all for now...I will be back soon as I have a
few more tales to tell...
NYPD Pip
Over and out.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
The Christmas Message: December 21 2005
Tena ia tangate, Harahoa Kirihmete.
Hi all, Merry Christmas.
Welcome to "the week that was" an enthralling,
enlightening, whimsical, riveting, often profound,
never boring, not at all lacking, totally absorbing
tales & tribulations of the goings on of Toronto Pip &
his Trusty [often gusty, always dusty, occasionally
crusty, mostly musty & of course my favourite big &
BUSTY] side kick Mississauga Juju.
Well Xmas is upon us and isn't it grand. You would not
believe the trees with decorations, the lights the
displays, bloody fantastic. You think shopping in
Auckland is hectic wait until you get to a mall where
there are 200,000 people doing it all in one place at
one time [shopping that is, I thought it was for the
other reason and turned up in hope, should have worn
more clothes]. I tell you it is quite a sight.
Needless to say I only went to look, Juju is getting a
wonderful gift from the dollar shop, hope she likes
it. [When I met Ju I knew I had meet Mrs Right, and
nothings changed, however no one warned me her first
name was always]?
We will of course be having a white Xmas, there is
snow on the ground and more today and over the next
few days as well. We will be skiing on boxing day
hehe, or should I say Ju will be skiing I will be
sliding and probably end up sliding down to one of the
numerous bars that you can ski/slide to, what a place.
[Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
women's sex drive by 90%, its called a "Wedding
Cake"]?
Xmas day we are not really getting to excited about as
it will be just us two and McGregor. I am going to
serve Xmas lunch to the homeless as I think this would
be a real enlightening experience, its not the needy
its the street people [card board box dwellers]. So
will be quite an experience.
For dinner we are not going traditional, we are going
to have lobster and duck. Although, and get this for
over the top. I was watching the cooking programs last
night and this chef cut his turkey down the middle,
then cut a duck down the middle, then put a chicken
inside the duck and the duck in the turkey, all had
been individually stuffed etc. Hows that for a
different over the top take on three birds at
Christmas. [wish I was having three birds for
Christmas]
After Christmas we are going down to New York for 5
days, we have luckily been offered an apartment to
stay in, which in New York is a real offer. So Juju is
sorting out HER itinerary and I will as usual follow
along. I hope there's a Hooters in New York, don't
want any of those namby pamby Manhattan pouring bars,
with stupid pretty people everywhere. Ju has even
threatened to hide my shorts which I insist on wearing
even in the snow.
I have had a few side-ways looks by the locals as they
cannot believe that anyone would take the dog out for
a walk bare foot in shorts and a t-shirt when its
snowing and minus 6 degrees. They all think that New
Zealand is obviously closer to the south pole than
they originally thought. They do not believe that it
has never snowed in Auckland and that we have mild not
cold winters. I just tell them to harden up [which
gets the gay boys all excited] and that it isn't that
bad.
Tried to get to Montreal for business on Thursday last
week, however they had 30cm in 2 hours with a 48 hour
spread adding another 60cm. So needless to say
Montreal was crippled, and had more snow in 48 hours
than Turoa/Whakapapa get in a whole season.
Just to lighten the mood, I went to visit a friend in
hospital the other day, I asked him what had happened.
He said his wife was complaining that her breasts were
to small, so he told her to stand in front of the
mirror and rub toilet paper on them and over the years
her breasts would become bigger. When she enquired if
this would truly make her breasts bigger he responded,
"well it worked for your arse didn't it".
Needless to say he was lucky I wasn't visiting him in
the morgue.
I went to a zoo the other day,
When I got there, there was only a dog,
It was a SHIATSU.
In the beginning God created the earth, then rested.
Then he created Man, and rested.
Then he created Woman?
Since then, neither God nor Man has ever rested.
Twelve Days Of Christmas
Pips "Redneck" version
On the twelve day of xmas my women gave to me,
a 12-pack of Bud,
11 maple leaf tickets,
10 Hooters Women,
9 years probation,
8 lap dancers,
7 packs of jerky,
6 cans of spaghetti,
5 flannel shirts,
4 ice tires,
3 pack of condoms,
2 nights of jigy,
and 56" flat screen TV.
CHEERS TO ALL,[IF IN DOUBT DRINK MORE]
WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST
AND HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.
LOVE TO ALL
TORONTO PIP
Hi all, Merry Christmas.
Welcome to "the week that was" an enthralling,
enlightening, whimsical, riveting, often profound,
never boring, not at all lacking, totally absorbing
tales & tribulations of the goings on of Toronto Pip &
his Trusty [often gusty, always dusty, occasionally
crusty, mostly musty & of course my favourite big &
BUSTY] side kick Mississauga Juju.
Well Xmas is upon us and isn't it grand. You would not
believe the trees with decorations, the lights the
displays, bloody fantastic. You think shopping in
Auckland is hectic wait until you get to a mall where
there are 200,000 people doing it all in one place at
one time [shopping that is, I thought it was for the
other reason and turned up in hope, should have worn
more clothes]. I tell you it is quite a sight.
Needless to say I only went to look, Juju is getting a
wonderful gift from the dollar shop, hope she likes
it. [When I met Ju I knew I had meet Mrs Right, and
nothings changed, however no one warned me her first
name was always]?
We will of course be having a white Xmas, there is
snow on the ground and more today and over the next
few days as well. We will be skiing on boxing day
hehe, or should I say Ju will be skiing I will be
sliding and probably end up sliding down to one of the
numerous bars that you can ski/slide to, what a place.
[Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
women's sex drive by 90%, its called a "Wedding
Cake"]?
Xmas day we are not really getting to excited about as
it will be just us two and McGregor. I am going to
serve Xmas lunch to the homeless as I think this would
be a real enlightening experience, its not the needy
its the street people [card board box dwellers]. So
will be quite an experience.
For dinner we are not going traditional, we are going
to have lobster and duck. Although, and get this for
over the top. I was watching the cooking programs last
night and this chef cut his turkey down the middle,
then cut a duck down the middle, then put a chicken
inside the duck and the duck in the turkey, all had
been individually stuffed etc. Hows that for a
different over the top take on three birds at
Christmas. [wish I was having three birds for
Christmas]
After Christmas we are going down to New York for 5
days, we have luckily been offered an apartment to
stay in, which in New York is a real offer. So Juju is
sorting out HER itinerary and I will as usual follow
along. I hope there's a Hooters in New York, don't
want any of those namby pamby Manhattan pouring bars,
with stupid pretty people everywhere. Ju has even
threatened to hide my shorts which I insist on wearing
even in the snow.
I have had a few side-ways looks by the locals as they
cannot believe that anyone would take the dog out for
a walk bare foot in shorts and a t-shirt when its
snowing and minus 6 degrees. They all think that New
Zealand is obviously closer to the south pole than
they originally thought. They do not believe that it
has never snowed in Auckland and that we have mild not
cold winters. I just tell them to harden up [which
gets the gay boys all excited] and that it isn't that
bad.
Tried to get to Montreal for business on Thursday last
week, however they had 30cm in 2 hours with a 48 hour
spread adding another 60cm. So needless to say
Montreal was crippled, and had more snow in 48 hours
than Turoa/Whakapapa get in a whole season.
Just to lighten the mood, I went to visit a friend in
hospital the other day, I asked him what had happened.
He said his wife was complaining that her breasts were
to small, so he told her to stand in front of the
mirror and rub toilet paper on them and over the years
her breasts would become bigger. When she enquired if
this would truly make her breasts bigger he responded,
"well it worked for your arse didn't it".
Needless to say he was lucky I wasn't visiting him in
the morgue.
I went to a zoo the other day,
When I got there, there was only a dog,
It was a SHIATSU.
In the beginning God created the earth, then rested.
Then he created Man, and rested.
Then he created Woman?
Since then, neither God nor Man has ever rested.
Twelve Days Of Christmas
Pips "Redneck" version
On the twelve day of xmas my women gave to me,
a 12-pack of Bud,
11 maple leaf tickets,
10 Hooters Women,
9 years probation,
8 lap dancers,
7 packs of jerky,
6 cans of spaghetti,
5 flannel shirts,
4 ice tires,
3 pack of condoms,
2 nights of jigy,
and 56" flat screen TV.
CHEERS TO ALL,[IF IN DOUBT DRINK MORE]
WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST
AND HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.
LOVE TO ALL
TORONTO PIP
Sunday, November 6, 2005
Juju goes to work and other rare phenomenon: November 6 2005
Hi To All in Kiwiland,
Welcome to "the week that was" another enthrallingepisode of the goings on of Toronto Pip and his Trusty sidekick [or should that be gusty, use your imagination] Mississauga Juju.
I have come to the realisation that although my weekly jejune missives are worthy of a Pulitzer prize no one wants to read a novel [or has the time to] which is sad really as I believe some are taking it all a bit to seriously [life that is]. That's enough about that.
Anyhow, I spent last week working in Vancouver and Victoria Island. It was great, it rained the whole time and was very much like home [weather wise]. I also meet an Australian couple [oldies in there 50's] who were in the process of starting up a brewery. Unfortunately they had son's not daughters, so my dream of living out a Rodney Rude song went up in smoke. You know the one, " Do you ???? on first dates", "Does your dad own brewery", "can I feel your t?ts or will you show em to me". That will get Mum
going so I'll end it there. It was a good weeks work, very fulfilling.
Julie is working [you can pick yourself up now] in a cook book shop, of course as only Juju can, it is the one that is a Toronto Icon that everybody knows. Its not uncommon for people to come in and spend $1000 on cook books. The shop also hosts book launches and all the Canadian chefs frequent the shop looking for inspiration [so I turn up regularily]. I of course have been there on the odd occasion so I have told a few of them how to roast a joint, yes roast not smoke [never been much into that], unlike some of you??? [you know who you are].
Anyway that's enough for now, as I know you will all be shutting off.
One other thing, as you may be aware we live in an area in Toronto that is between the flash part and the gay part of Toronto. I was playing pool with some of the locals, in this case girls [I think you call them lesbians], who laughed their t??s off with my gay dinosaurs joke. The one where archaeologists find bones of obvious gay dino's, so they named the male one megasorearse & the female one licalotapus?
Where was I heading with this. Oh yes anyway these girls know Helen Clark [if you know what I mean, one has had an audience with her] they can't understand why she just doesn't admit it.
I was on the train the other day, and in the car with me was an Australian bloke, a hot Canadian blond, and an old lady. We went through a tunnel and in the dark there was a loud smack. When back in the light the Australian had a red mark on his face. So the old lady thought that in the tunnel the Australian had groped the blond, so she had hit him. The blond thought that in the dark the Australian had tried to grope her, missed and got the old lady who promptly smacked him. The Australian thought that in the dark I had groped
the blond she had tried to hit me, missed and got him.
All I can say, is, I hope another tunnel comes soon so I can smack the Australian again.
Love to all,
Toronto Pip.
Welcome to "the week that was" another enthrallingepisode of the goings on of Toronto Pip and his Trusty sidekick [or should that be gusty, use your imagination] Mississauga Juju.
I have come to the realisation that although my weekly jejune missives are worthy of a Pulitzer prize no one wants to read a novel [or has the time to] which is sad really as I believe some are taking it all a bit to seriously [life that is]. That's enough about that.
Anyhow, I spent last week working in Vancouver and Victoria Island. It was great, it rained the whole time and was very much like home [weather wise]. I also meet an Australian couple [oldies in there 50's] who were in the process of starting up a brewery. Unfortunately they had son's not daughters, so my dream of living out a Rodney Rude song went up in smoke. You know the one, " Do you ???? on first dates", "Does your dad own brewery", "can I feel your t?ts or will you show em to me". That will get Mum
going so I'll end it there. It was a good weeks work, very fulfilling.
Julie is working [you can pick yourself up now] in a cook book shop, of course as only Juju can, it is the one that is a Toronto Icon that everybody knows. Its not uncommon for people to come in and spend $1000 on cook books. The shop also hosts book launches and all the Canadian chefs frequent the shop looking for inspiration [so I turn up regularily]. I of course have been there on the odd occasion so I have told a few of them how to roast a joint, yes roast not smoke [never been much into that], unlike some of you??? [you know who you are].
Anyway that's enough for now, as I know you will all be shutting off.
One other thing, as you may be aware we live in an area in Toronto that is between the flash part and the gay part of Toronto. I was playing pool with some of the locals, in this case girls [I think you call them lesbians], who laughed their t??s off with my gay dinosaurs joke. The one where archaeologists find bones of obvious gay dino's, so they named the male one megasorearse & the female one licalotapus?
Where was I heading with this. Oh yes anyway these girls know Helen Clark [if you know what I mean, one has had an audience with her] they can't understand why she just doesn't admit it.
I was on the train the other day, and in the car with me was an Australian bloke, a hot Canadian blond, and an old lady. We went through a tunnel and in the dark there was a loud smack. When back in the light the Australian had a red mark on his face. So the old lady thought that in the tunnel the Australian had groped the blond, so she had hit him. The blond thought that in the dark the Australian had tried to grope her, missed and got the old lady who promptly smacked him. The Australian thought that in the dark I had groped
the blond she had tried to hit me, missed and got him.
All I can say, is, I hope another tunnel comes soon so I can smack the Australian again.
Love to all,
Toronto Pip.
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