Hi All, I’m Baaaaack?
Happy belated Easter.
To those who have had a Birthday, sorry, “Happy Birthday”?
To those that haven’t, well I haven’t forgotten yet.
Welcome to “the weeks that were” another exciting episode & insight into the world that is Toronto Pip, & his trusty companions Mississauga Juju & Montreal McGregor.
It has been a trying 3 weeks, I have seen things I wish I hadn’t, nearly been arrested in Chicago, lost my cool with an airline employee [most unlike me], had a police escort out of a small town [after a few quite ones], flown on 7 different airlines, visited as many airports, crossed 6 states, and driven approx 2000 miles [miles not kms as they are backward up here, well in the US of A that is.]
You may have noticed that there have been a few weeks of silence; this can only be put down to a couple of things. [One], I can’t be bothered, as you are all hopeless with emails, or [Two], I have been working so bloody hard that I haven’t had time to think let alone send emails home about my fantastic, exciting and reverting adventures. You choose.
It goes a bit like this.
Week One:
Rome, Amsterdam, and Geneva. All great, except a day in each place makes for a weary traveller. The later to check out if the convention was still alive and kicking. You know the Geneva Convention. It’s all part of my world domination plans, which I must say are coming along nicely. As long as I keep the Middle East a busy hot spot everything will just fall into place. I am sure chairman Helen is all for it, especially if I ensure her a spot in line up.
You guessed it I have made it my mission that there will be a “HOOTER’S” in every continent and in every city, and it will be a requirement to visit the “TEMPLE” at least once a week and once on weekends.
When Super 12 or 14 or whatever they bloody call it now is on, as a male you will be required to attend Friday through Sunday, wife’s by appointment only, unless wearing a Hooters uniform.
All of us who don’t live in Wellington can be thank full as that is where Helen will be.
Of course scantily clad young ladies have nothing to do with it; it’s all about the wings, ribs and sports on TV.
Week Two.
Rochester, Syracuse, Utica and Albany all cities in New York State. Albany being the capitol. We drove on this trip part of the trip as it is only 10 hours there and 10 hours back?? Yes I let “she who must be obeyed” come with me [mental note, do not travel on business with wife]. This does not include Montreal McGregor who acts as a babe magnet, and has numerous other advantages. I had one blond announce to me that I must be English, no I said “I was from New Zealand” and so is McGregor, with which she asked me if he would understand her if she asked him to sit?? No joke. Dear God its no wonder they can’t organise a piss up in a brewery.
Had some very important meetings while trying to see the sights at same time. Ended up getting totally confused and telling the treasury and defence dept about my world domination plans, and the custodian of some art gallery all about how our company can help them by relieving them of heaps of money. I think on reflection that I got that one back to front.
On the way back Juju decided that we should drive up through the Adirondacks, lovely country side and of course adds two more driving hours, but also meant we circumnavigated Lake Ontario. While up in the hills we came across some Amish men cutting a tree up that had fallen in a storm. Bloody amazing, two Clydesdales and a cart, hand saws, with a tree about 5 foot thick. Then down the road came the horse drawn cart with lunch. You have to take your hat of to them, what a way to live.
After a brief conversation about chainsaws, v8’s & Hooters bars, I them told them how bloody proud of them I was, and that bloody hard work was the f….ing corner stone of life, and that they deserve a great big f…king medal.
Week Three.
Chicago, what a great town, spent Monday evening on the 95th floor of the Hancock building drinking Martinis and talking business with our Illinois distributor while watching the sun set, and the world go by, way down below.
Next day meetings, then on Tuesday late afternoon had to drive to Woodstock to meet a new sports track and sports floor agent/distributor. What a score not only is he going to be a great agent but he owns half of Woodstock, including three bars. With which we proceeded to do a mini pub crawl around for a couple or six hours. After some good old boys had a hand gun shoot up into the air competition I decided that I should make my way back to Chicago. Needless to say I was in the middle of no where and must have eaten some bad seafood. No problem, not only did he own half the town but also the police department. I managed a 45 minute police escort back to my hotel, what luck eh!
Next morning a 5 hour drive to St Louis, Missouri to meet another new rep, unfortunately she had had a death in the family and had failed to tell me, so then I drove 5 hours back to Chicago. Here the problems started!!!!
Extremely tired, I returned the rental car. Took the courtesy bus to the airport. Now picture one of the busiest airports in the world and a tired and still feeling ill [after the bad seafood] Toronto Pip, quite frankly it was a cocktail heading toward one of the Molotov kind.
Firstly, it was Wednesday late afternoon, it was a long weekend, and my ticket was for Friday evening on US Air. Calm at first I explained the situation to the lovely [albeit her eyes to close together] lady, she told me that there was one seat left on the evening flight. Great I said, with which her reply was that will be $US400 thanks. I then said but I already hold a fully paid return ticket to Buffalo from Chicago? Well it’s the last seat and policy states that I have to sell it, not re-book anyone. Still calm I pushed for the bereavement policy, no it was $400 dollars and that was that. Blood pressure rising I asked for her supervisor. She duly arrived and my case was again pitched, here it starts to get funny, no she could not put me on that flight unless I wanted to pay $400. However we can book you on Continental who have plenty of seats and will only cost $115, but what could I do, they sold me the ticket with Continental even though they were in another
terminal. Then the ripper came, [the one that sent me over the edge], after handing me the ticket she then handed me another ticket which had a credit of $275 on it for the leg of the trip that I will not be flying with them [$275 credit?????????]. I bloody exploded a credit for $275 however happy to book me on another airline and lose $275. What the hell was the point of trying to sell me a $400 ticket when you were going to credit me back the majority of the original anyway. Raised voices and a bright red complexion gained the attention of one of Chicago’s finest, it was like the movies, “sir calm down”, “sir are you trying to create a scene”, “sir if you don’t calm down I will have to shoot you”. Then he shadowed [escorted] me on the train between terminals. To top things off on this eventful day there was a 2 hour queue to get through security. I was then asked to step aside as I had been SELECTED to be searched. So another 30 min wait while they
swabbed my bag, so as required I removed my shoes, belt, jacket, coins, wallet, cell phone, wedding ring, lap top, hand bag, gun, false teeth, artificial leg, etc etc, and was duly patted down, I however enjoyed that part. Flight was great and we were early [there must be a god]. Got to Buffalo realising that I still had a 1.5 hr drive back to Toronto. Big car crash in car park so it was log jammed. Got home 2am Thursday morning after being awake for 22 hours. Up-side is that I actually got to have a break over Easter with no work.
That’s all for now, stay tuned however, as I am back in Detroit next week, so bullet proof vest and gun in hand, and then to Alaska, so red necks and crabs [the eating type you sicko's].
Love to all
Toronto Pip
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Skiing, Chinatown and the frozen North: March 15 2006
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kia Ora Koutou,
Welcome to another enthralling episode of the goings
on of Toronto Pip and his Trusty sidekick's
Mississauga Juju & Montreal McGregor [the french
cannot see the irony in that one, go figure].
Anyway hi to all in Kiwiland, enjoying the last of the
summer I hope and looking forward to sitting back and
enjoying the "Commonwealth Games". Not to to blunt but
there has not been one bit of media air time or
attention paid to this 18th games, I don't know what
that means but a distinct lack of coverage for us no
doubt.
Unlike the 24 hrs of the winter Olympics we had to
endure. I particularly liked the curling and am
looking to take it up next season, if I can fit it
into my heavy training schedule along with my ski
jumping, bobsledding & downhill.
I have worked out after a short time with the "she
devil" or "she who must be obeyed while on the hill"
[yes we are still skiing and it is still snowing and
we are up the hill again this weekend] that it is way
better for me just go straight and as fast as possible
to the bottom, and then start all over. Here I have a
distinct advantage that all you who know about physics
should be able to work out. Lay-mans terms, mass +
weight + downward slop means faster Toronto Pip.
Faster Toronto Pip means green blur and ability to
escape the teacher "Mississauga Juju". The beauty of
where we ski at the Blue Mountains is that you can ski
to the door of various pubs, sink a bottle of red wine
and then hit the slopes even more dangerous than ever,
and with a bottle on board fear seems to go out the
window, and rails and jumps become more useful for
getting down even faster.
Lets talk rugby, the "Blues", we'll that says it all
and is enough about that topic.
Last weekend "spooky woman" and I went to China Town
to do our shopping, [we leave "Montreal McGregor" at
home for various reasons]. Anyway they have the best
beef and pork and it is so much cheaper than anywhere
else. My mandarin is coming along well and I look
forward to become a driving instructor on my return to
NZ. I have developed some fantastic hand gestures as
well, [no explanation needed here], just picture a
tall white bloke surrounded by thousands of yellow
blokes and the tall bloke doing a fine impression of
Jackie Chan crossed with a Holland windmill.
I was in Ottawa and Montreal last week on business.
Ottawa is where parliament is, so it is all very
parliament like. The buildings though are very french
etc are fantastic, and Ottawa has the longest river in
the world that can be skated on. We haven't done the
skating thing yet, [I did in Montreal but that's
coming up] it just looks like a recipe for disaster,
and I can see a broken ankle and various other serious
injuries, and that's just the poor buggers I crash
into. I visited flightscape which is an airline black
box manufacturer, all very interesting really, they
had all the big wigs from JAL [Japanese airlines]
there, so I did an impromptu Haka to stir them along,
they looked a bit serious so I hope they hadn't
suffered some black box crisis on one of their
airlines. No one had taken out the ceremonial sword at
the stage I was asked to leave.
In Montreal where it was -22 degrees and the car park
was a makeshift skate arena, I managed to have my
first good fall on the ice. It was a beautifully
choreographed event with me managing to get one leg
out of the passenger side only to have it disappear at
a startling rate, followed by the rest of my body, the
result was one leg in car jammed under dashboard,
other heading out at an unimaginable angle [those of
you who have seen me do it, and yes I still can, "the
splits"] so there I am bum to shoulder blade immersed
in two inches of slush and fresh rain yet to be
frozen, and my head cracking the ice. After which my
efforts to get up as quickly as possible had me
heading off through the car park on my hands and
knees, [so am not putting figure skating on my list].
Needless to say after my explicit verbal reaction to
this the Quebec Qua have taken me on as a new
spokesman, which is by no means easy as they are folk
who consider you an inferior human because you speak
English.
Then into a company called CAE Electronics who produce
flight simulators for all aircraft of the world. Now
this is good fun and I have now had two small
sessions, 1 in an Airbus A320 the other in a Boeing
767. All good fun really.
I left Montreal at 4.30 pm by car and looked up at the
sign that said Toronto 535km, so I rang Mississauga
Juju and asked what was or dinner as I would be home
about 8pm?, bullshit I hear you say! But with the
highway being straight the whole way and with
everybody doing about 130kmh when you push it up to
145kmh it is achievable. End result dinner with the
trouble and strife.
This weekend skiing, and next week in Wisconsin &
Minnesota. So look forward to next weeks "the week
that was" coming from an American inbred own near you.
Cletus and his sister who is also his mother plus Hank
have been waiting my arrival.
Much love to all,
P's. send me your news as you are all hopeless.
Toronto pip
Kia Ora Koutou,
Welcome to another enthralling episode of the goings
on of Toronto Pip and his Trusty sidekick's
Mississauga Juju & Montreal McGregor [the french
cannot see the irony in that one, go figure].
Anyway hi to all in Kiwiland, enjoying the last of the
summer I hope and looking forward to sitting back and
enjoying the "Commonwealth Games". Not to to blunt but
there has not been one bit of media air time or
attention paid to this 18th games, I don't know what
that means but a distinct lack of coverage for us no
doubt.
Unlike the 24 hrs of the winter Olympics we had to
endure. I particularly liked the curling and am
looking to take it up next season, if I can fit it
into my heavy training schedule along with my ski
jumping, bobsledding & downhill.
I have worked out after a short time with the "she
devil" or "she who must be obeyed while on the hill"
[yes we are still skiing and it is still snowing and
we are up the hill again this weekend] that it is way
better for me just go straight and as fast as possible
to the bottom, and then start all over. Here I have a
distinct advantage that all you who know about physics
should be able to work out. Lay-mans terms, mass +
weight + downward slop means faster Toronto Pip.
Faster Toronto Pip means green blur and ability to
escape the teacher "Mississauga Juju". The beauty of
where we ski at the Blue Mountains is that you can ski
to the door of various pubs, sink a bottle of red wine
and then hit the slopes even more dangerous than ever,
and with a bottle on board fear seems to go out the
window, and rails and jumps become more useful for
getting down even faster.
Lets talk rugby, the "Blues", we'll that says it all
and is enough about that topic.
Last weekend "spooky woman" and I went to China Town
to do our shopping, [we leave "Montreal McGregor" at
home for various reasons]. Anyway they have the best
beef and pork and it is so much cheaper than anywhere
else. My mandarin is coming along well and I look
forward to become a driving instructor on my return to
NZ. I have developed some fantastic hand gestures as
well, [no explanation needed here], just picture a
tall white bloke surrounded by thousands of yellow
blokes and the tall bloke doing a fine impression of
Jackie Chan crossed with a Holland windmill.
I was in Ottawa and Montreal last week on business.
Ottawa is where parliament is, so it is all very
parliament like. The buildings though are very french
etc are fantastic, and Ottawa has the longest river in
the world that can be skated on. We haven't done the
skating thing yet, [I did in Montreal but that's
coming up] it just looks like a recipe for disaster,
and I can see a broken ankle and various other serious
injuries, and that's just the poor buggers I crash
into. I visited flightscape which is an airline black
box manufacturer, all very interesting really, they
had all the big wigs from JAL [Japanese airlines]
there, so I did an impromptu Haka to stir them along,
they looked a bit serious so I hope they hadn't
suffered some black box crisis on one of their
airlines. No one had taken out the ceremonial sword at
the stage I was asked to leave.
In Montreal where it was -22 degrees and the car park
was a makeshift skate arena, I managed to have my
first good fall on the ice. It was a beautifully
choreographed event with me managing to get one leg
out of the passenger side only to have it disappear at
a startling rate, followed by the rest of my body, the
result was one leg in car jammed under dashboard,
other heading out at an unimaginable angle [those of
you who have seen me do it, and yes I still can, "the
splits"] so there I am bum to shoulder blade immersed
in two inches of slush and fresh rain yet to be
frozen, and my head cracking the ice. After which my
efforts to get up as quickly as possible had me
heading off through the car park on my hands and
knees, [so am not putting figure skating on my list].
Needless to say after my explicit verbal reaction to
this the Quebec Qua have taken me on as a new
spokesman, which is by no means easy as they are folk
who consider you an inferior human because you speak
English.
Then into a company called CAE Electronics who produce
flight simulators for all aircraft of the world. Now
this is good fun and I have now had two small
sessions, 1 in an Airbus A320 the other in a Boeing
767. All good fun really.
I left Montreal at 4.30 pm by car and looked up at the
sign that said Toronto 535km, so I rang Mississauga
Juju and asked what was or dinner as I would be home
about 8pm?, bullshit I hear you say! But with the
highway being straight the whole way and with
everybody doing about 130kmh when you push it up to
145kmh it is achievable. End result dinner with the
trouble and strife.
This weekend skiing, and next week in Wisconsin &
Minnesota. So look forward to next weeks "the week
that was" coming from an American inbred own near you.
Cletus and his sister who is also his mother plus Hank
have been waiting my arrival.
Much love to all,
P's. send me your news as you are all hopeless.
Toronto pip
Friday, February 24, 2006
Toronto Pip [anniversary] Feb 24 2006
Hi all,
Welcome to an emotionally filled, yet strangely
normal, anniversary edition of the goings on of
Toronto Pip.
I don’t want you to get all teary eyed, and I know how
you have all missed me soooo much! But I would just
like to point out that it is my one year anniversary.
Yep it has been one year, since I left Aoteoroa [our
little bit of paradise], and it only feels like
yesterday.
But don’t panic just yet I am not returning to
terrorise you all just yet. [seriously thinking about
taking a posting in Qatar or India, but that’s a whole
different story in itself], because right in the back
of my mind is this little hammer, this little
yearning, this silent pull, back to home.
HOWEVER not for a couple of years? And definitely not
until we have a “HOOTERS” bar, preferable Kohi/St
Heliers.
I have had fun, adventure, travels, memories that can
never be taken away, but I do miss family, friends,
sheep [not that way sicko], and a decent piece of
bloody beef. Christ they go on and on about there beef
and quite frankly it is crap [and as you can imagine I
tell them so].
Sure Texas has Kobe like beef farms, but still it does
not have that we eat grass, outside, 365 days of the
year flavour that our beef has. Same goes for their
dairy products.
Sure there is Ontario lamb, well I actually crack up
laughing at the St Laurent Saturday market as they
sell their Ontario lamb, which to me looks remarkably
like a leg of hogget or mutton. Either that or they
have some kind of super lamb as the joints are the
size of my thigh? A couple of the butchers have
cottoned onto the fact that I am a Kiwi [and might
know something about meat] they disappear out the back
and come in with real slabs of meat. And on occasion
they get really excited as they actually have New
Zealand lamb in stock. And without being biased it
sooo much better, even they agree on this one.
As for Mississauga Juju, I am concerned here, she has
taken to the bottle, BEER bottle that is. Paint me red
and call me rusty but she has become a beer expert,
and this is in the winter, god help me when it starts
getting warm. Preference “Sleeman’s Honey Brown” and
god help anyone who doesn’t have it. Ju is quite the
picture heading off to “the beer store” [actual name]
with her empties in her trolley [I’m not joking]. They
still give money back on returns here. I will take a
picture as it is well worth a laugh.
Anyway that’s all for now. Next week London & Paris so
“the week that was” should be entertaining, followed
by Montreal & Ottawa, it sounds so very global but
it’s all so close. So hang onto your hats and I will
catch up with you soon.
By the way give me some of your news, its always great
to hear from home, and don’t think that it is boring
compared, because actually we are just doing what is
to be done in this part of the world.
I know its summer and all but we are going skiing
again this weekend. Will try and get some photos to
you.
Love to all
Toronto Pip
Welcome to an emotionally filled, yet strangely
normal, anniversary edition of the goings on of
Toronto Pip.
I don’t want you to get all teary eyed, and I know how
you have all missed me soooo much! But I would just
like to point out that it is my one year anniversary.
Yep it has been one year, since I left Aoteoroa [our
little bit of paradise], and it only feels like
yesterday.
But don’t panic just yet I am not returning to
terrorise you all just yet. [seriously thinking about
taking a posting in Qatar or India, but that’s a whole
different story in itself], because right in the back
of my mind is this little hammer, this little
yearning, this silent pull, back to home.
HOWEVER not for a couple of years? And definitely not
until we have a “HOOTERS” bar, preferable Kohi/St
Heliers.
I have had fun, adventure, travels, memories that can
never be taken away, but I do miss family, friends,
sheep [not that way sicko], and a decent piece of
bloody beef. Christ they go on and on about there beef
and quite frankly it is crap [and as you can imagine I
tell them so].
Sure Texas has Kobe like beef farms, but still it does
not have that we eat grass, outside, 365 days of the
year flavour that our beef has. Same goes for their
dairy products.
Sure there is Ontario lamb, well I actually crack up
laughing at the St Laurent Saturday market as they
sell their Ontario lamb, which to me looks remarkably
like a leg of hogget or mutton. Either that or they
have some kind of super lamb as the joints are the
size of my thigh? A couple of the butchers have
cottoned onto the fact that I am a Kiwi [and might
know something about meat] they disappear out the back
and come in with real slabs of meat. And on occasion
they get really excited as they actually have New
Zealand lamb in stock. And without being biased it
sooo much better, even they agree on this one.
As for Mississauga Juju, I am concerned here, she has
taken to the bottle, BEER bottle that is. Paint me red
and call me rusty but she has become a beer expert,
and this is in the winter, god help me when it starts
getting warm. Preference “Sleeman’s Honey Brown” and
god help anyone who doesn’t have it. Ju is quite the
picture heading off to “the beer store” [actual name]
with her empties in her trolley [I’m not joking]. They
still give money back on returns here. I will take a
picture as it is well worth a laugh.
Anyway that’s all for now. Next week London & Paris so
“the week that was” should be entertaining, followed
by Montreal & Ottawa, it sounds so very global but
it’s all so close. So hang onto your hats and I will
catch up with you soon.
By the way give me some of your news, its always great
to hear from home, and don’t think that it is boring
compared, because actually we are just doing what is
to be done in this part of the world.
I know its summer and all but we are going skiing
again this weekend. Will try and get some photos to
you.
Love to all
Toronto Pip
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
"The Weeks That Were" [Ground Hog's, Grits & Business Trips] Feb 21 2006
Hi all,
Cat got your tongue, oh how quickly they forget, any
way back into my normal delivery of the goings on of
Toronto Pip and Mississauga Juju.
I trust I catch you all well and enjoying the summer.
I am loving winter here and don't know what they all
complain about. Just last night it was -13 degrees and
I still managed to take the dog out for a walk with
my rugby shorts on. The locals can't believe it and
they stand out there looking like bloody Eskimo's
complaining how cold it is. Harden up I say, [which is
probably the wrong thing considering most of them are
gay].
I know that you have all been waiting anxiously for
"the week that was", some even pinning. It has become
a kind of expectation, a cult even. However with
travel etc this time it has to be "THE WEEKS THAT
WERE". I will try in my own way to keep it brief.
GROUNDHOG DAY,
February 2nd an American & Canadian tradition were
people trek to Gobblers Knob [and no its not just
around the corner from where we live, however I
believe half off those there believe they will get
some]. Only to find Punxsutawney Phil a cute little
groundhog who predicts the end of winter. Its the day
he comes out of his hole after a long winter sleep to
look for his shadow [just like Mississauga Juju].
If it is bright and clear six more months of winter is
there.
If it is dull and cloudy, Phil recons winters over.
Needless to say we are having a longer winter.
GRITS,
What the hell is this all about, every time I go to
the mid-west or mid-south of the US of A. I am always
served coffee by Cletus, and then his sister, who is
also his mother [that explains the missing teeth and
the slow talk]. Anyway it always happens I get asked,
"you want Hominy grits or plain grits", oh god I don't
want to be rude but who the f..k wants something
called grits for breakfast. Its made from the flint or
dent of corn with hard kernels that are dried on the
cob but then they soak them in a solution of baking
soda, lime & wood ash. Apparently this soften and
loosens the hulls [not to mention softens and loosens
something else]. Plus if need be they can use the
mixture to help with the road works. Unfortunately I
had to spend the whole day in Pleasant Shade,
Tennessee and after the grits I can assure you I
wasn't a pleasant shade. They cook them in about two
inches of bacon fat. Also this was the only place in
town that you could eat at. Back for lunch and feeling
safe only to find they serve grits for all meals [I
skipped dinner]. Cletus was still there with Beth who
is his mothers sister which makes her his aunt as well
as his other sister [try and keep up will you].
BUSINESS TRIPS.
I am making a bit of an effort in the north of US of
A, been visiting and or about to visit Minnesota,
Iowa, Illinois, Missouri, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania
and of course my favourite Michigan. Car Capital of
the world, or should that be gun capital of the world.
[I travel packing heat and am never far from the
bullet proof vest]. Its great you go to restaurants
and they have lockers as there is a no gun policy
inside, plus you have to walk through metal detectors
to prove your clean. WOW WHAT A COUNTRY. [I have my
own opinion on that but that would be another whole
new email in its self].
We had a visit from Vicky Broadbent [or as I like to
call her Mistress Vicky] so you can imagine the carry
on that week, yet again a whole email in its self. It
was great to see her and we had a ball.
Ju & I have been skiing [snow of course] and after a
few of you have picked yourselves up off the floor I
have to say I am loving it and will be at the 2010
Olympics probably skiing for Canada??? I will be in
ski jumping, downhill, aerials, and luge. Anyway back
up the hill this weekend to break in the new boots.
I am home in Toronto this week but next week a quick
trip to London and Paris, [just for 4 days]. Then I
have a split week in Wisconsin & Minnesota to train
some new reps and see one factory which is of interest
to us. So there you have it, a it boring I know, but
its the best I can do.
Send me a bit of your own news, its always good &
exciting to get emails, however dull.
Bye for now, Love to all.
Toronto Pip
Cat got your tongue, oh how quickly they forget, any
way back into my normal delivery of the goings on of
Toronto Pip and Mississauga Juju.
I trust I catch you all well and enjoying the summer.
I am loving winter here and don't know what they all
complain about. Just last night it was -13 degrees and
I still managed to take the dog out for a walk with
my rugby shorts on. The locals can't believe it and
they stand out there looking like bloody Eskimo's
complaining how cold it is. Harden up I say, [which is
probably the wrong thing considering most of them are
gay].
I know that you have all been waiting anxiously for
"the week that was", some even pinning. It has become
a kind of expectation, a cult even. However with
travel etc this time it has to be "THE WEEKS THAT
WERE". I will try in my own way to keep it brief.
GROUNDHOG DAY,
February 2nd an American & Canadian tradition were
people trek to Gobblers Knob [and no its not just
around the corner from where we live, however I
believe half off those there believe they will get
some]. Only to find Punxsutawney Phil a cute little
groundhog who predicts the end of winter. Its the day
he comes out of his hole after a long winter sleep to
look for his shadow [just like Mississauga Juju].
If it is bright and clear six more months of winter is
there.
If it is dull and cloudy, Phil recons winters over.
Needless to say we are having a longer winter.
GRITS,
What the hell is this all about, every time I go to
the mid-west or mid-south of the US of A. I am always
served coffee by Cletus, and then his sister, who is
also his mother [that explains the missing teeth and
the slow talk]. Anyway it always happens I get asked,
"you want Hominy grits or plain grits", oh god I don't
want to be rude but who the f..k wants something
called grits for breakfast. Its made from the flint or
dent of corn with hard kernels that are dried on the
cob but then they soak them in a solution of baking
soda, lime & wood ash. Apparently this soften and
loosens the hulls [not to mention softens and loosens
something else]. Plus if need be they can use the
mixture to help with the road works. Unfortunately I
had to spend the whole day in Pleasant Shade,
Tennessee and after the grits I can assure you I
wasn't a pleasant shade. They cook them in about two
inches of bacon fat. Also this was the only place in
town that you could eat at. Back for lunch and feeling
safe only to find they serve grits for all meals [I
skipped dinner]. Cletus was still there with Beth who
is his mothers sister which makes her his aunt as well
as his other sister [try and keep up will you].
BUSINESS TRIPS.
I am making a bit of an effort in the north of US of
A, been visiting and or about to visit Minnesota,
Iowa, Illinois, Missouri, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania
and of course my favourite Michigan. Car Capital of
the world, or should that be gun capital of the world.
[I travel packing heat and am never far from the
bullet proof vest]. Its great you go to restaurants
and they have lockers as there is a no gun policy
inside, plus you have to walk through metal detectors
to prove your clean. WOW WHAT A COUNTRY. [I have my
own opinion on that but that would be another whole
new email in its self].
We had a visit from Vicky Broadbent [or as I like to
call her Mistress Vicky] so you can imagine the carry
on that week, yet again a whole email in its self. It
was great to see her and we had a ball.
Ju & I have been skiing [snow of course] and after a
few of you have picked yourselves up off the floor I
have to say I am loving it and will be at the 2010
Olympics probably skiing for Canada??? I will be in
ski jumping, downhill, aerials, and luge. Anyway back
up the hill this weekend to break in the new boots.
I am home in Toronto this week but next week a quick
trip to London and Paris, [just for 4 days]. Then I
have a split week in Wisconsin & Minnesota to train
some new reps and see one factory which is of interest
to us. So there you have it, a it boring I know, but
its the best I can do.
Send me a bit of your own news, its always good &
exciting to get emails, however dull.
Bye for now, Love to all.
Toronto Pip
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Regina, Saskatoon,Bambi & other frozen things: Feb 1 2006
Hi Again,
More exciting business adventures of Toronto Pip in
the Canadian wilderness.
Anyway after the wonderful flight and sporting a graze
to the side of my nose, I ventured out into the
thriving metropolis that is Regina {it rhymes with}, a
wonderful town of 180,000 people. There was the most
amazing haw frost and the tree's looked well, amazing.
That was about the best of Regina.
Meetings all morning then off to a couple of site
visits, all rather boring really. Well so I thought,
after a 30 min drive we pull up to the gates of SasGeo
Energy, cool I thought a geothermal power plant. OH NO
it was only a front for a NUCLEAR power plant with the
geo part coming from else where? [I offered my
services as I had had re-fried beans at breakfast].
If you have never been to a nuclear plant do, they are
great, I think NZ needs a few, it would solve all our
energy problems, and of course some poor country is
always willing to take the waste and hide it.
I have to admit to being slightly cautious, well as
cautious as I can be. [You know a bit like a kid in a
candy store]. They got sick of my questions, whats
this, whats that, why, when, can I push that big red
button, why are sirens sounding, [I didn't do it]?
Then we got to the reactor part, cool being that close
to all that uranium. I decided to joke and asked the
lab technician if he was interested in space, [when he
answered yes I asked if anyone had probed Uranus].
They do take it seriously, no cell phones, [probably
so if it Chernobyl's when you are in there you can't
call anyone], and after you leave the reactor room you
pass through a giegercounter thingimyjig, to see if
you have gathered any radio active material while in
there. I tried to impersonate the noise those machines
make but no one was fooled.
I got back to my hotel, and when it was time to sleep
turned of the lights, and couldn't work out why it
wasn't dark. Then I realised I was glowing green,
[must have been something I ate].
Up in the morning and off to Saskatoon [which rhymes
with baboon] couldn't think of anything rude. A 3 hour
drive, so relatively short by North American
standards. The weather was gale force with the snowing
either going sideways or up, black ice everywhere, and
the road disappearing from time to time [makes for an
exciting drive and christ do you get tired
concentrating though]. Then I realsised it was 10am
and still dark, [must be further north that I
anticipated, arctic circle region].
Travel tip, don't put Regina [rhymes with va...] or
Saskatoon [rhymes with baboon] on your Canadian travel
plans. Although I can get you into the nuclear power
plant no problems.
But wait that's not all, the drive back to Regina
[rhymes with ...] was not without fun and games. Black
ice and no visibility aside it is still a requirement
to drive at 120kph, this is great until Bambi decides
to do the proverbial lets cross the road trick, now
all experience tells you to slam on the picks, swerve,
panic and all that, however I choose to floor it. Here
I ask the question, [you know all is well as I am
writing this down after the fact], but my question is,
why do animals get half way across then stop and stare
at you, Bambi move you fool, SMACK, BANG to late, [oh
look there is where I was going, and there is where I
have been, there is where is was going again, and
there is have been again, WEEEEEEE you can spin a car
in these conditions approx 8 times.
I hope Bambi is alright, whoops no I don't think Bambi
is moving. Man can a 40lb animal make a dent or what,
[car driveable check], will send photo soon, don't
show the kids, [seeing a damaged car like that is so
traumatic]. Pip 1 Deer 0. Car rental company not at
all upset happens all the time. Insurance Co 1 Pip 0.
Great, another airport, "when do we board", 6.35pm "Ok
thanks". 6.40pm oh look surprise surprise there's no
plane at our gate, attention all passengers on flight
blar blar blar to Toronto there is a slight delay,
[you think]? As there is no plane at our gate and we
are the only f....ing people in the airport that we
need to have 10 messages attention all passengers on
flight blar blar blar to Toronto there is a further
delay. Oh goodie lets have a drink, what do you mean
the bar closes at 7.30pm, what the hell
kind of place is this. Anyway get back to Toronto with
a very smooth flight, albeit 1am. Oh well that's
business life for you.
Well there you have it, a small insight into Toronto
Pips excellent business adventure to Saskatchewan
region, to its capital Regina and Saskatoon. What a
great name.
Bye for now.
Toronto Pip
More exciting business adventures of Toronto Pip in
the Canadian wilderness.
Anyway after the wonderful flight and sporting a graze
to the side of my nose, I ventured out into the
thriving metropolis that is Regina {it rhymes with}, a
wonderful town of 180,000 people. There was the most
amazing haw frost and the tree's looked well, amazing.
That was about the best of Regina.
Meetings all morning then off to a couple of site
visits, all rather boring really. Well so I thought,
after a 30 min drive we pull up to the gates of SasGeo
Energy, cool I thought a geothermal power plant. OH NO
it was only a front for a NUCLEAR power plant with the
geo part coming from else where? [I offered my
services as I had had re-fried beans at breakfast].
If you have never been to a nuclear plant do, they are
great, I think NZ needs a few, it would solve all our
energy problems, and of course some poor country is
always willing to take the waste and hide it.
I have to admit to being slightly cautious, well as
cautious as I can be. [You know a bit like a kid in a
candy store]. They got sick of my questions, whats
this, whats that, why, when, can I push that big red
button, why are sirens sounding, [I didn't do it]?
Then we got to the reactor part, cool being that close
to all that uranium. I decided to joke and asked the
lab technician if he was interested in space, [when he
answered yes I asked if anyone had probed Uranus].
They do take it seriously, no cell phones, [probably
so if it Chernobyl's when you are in there you can't
call anyone], and after you leave the reactor room you
pass through a giegercounter thingimyjig, to see if
you have gathered any radio active material while in
there. I tried to impersonate the noise those machines
make but no one was fooled.
I got back to my hotel, and when it was time to sleep
turned of the lights, and couldn't work out why it
wasn't dark. Then I realised I was glowing green,
[must have been something I ate].
Up in the morning and off to Saskatoon [which rhymes
with baboon] couldn't think of anything rude. A 3 hour
drive, so relatively short by North American
standards. The weather was gale force with the snowing
either going sideways or up, black ice everywhere, and
the road disappearing from time to time [makes for an
exciting drive and christ do you get tired
concentrating though]. Then I realsised it was 10am
and still dark, [must be further north that I
anticipated, arctic circle region].
Travel tip, don't put Regina [rhymes with va...] or
Saskatoon [rhymes with baboon] on your Canadian travel
plans. Although I can get you into the nuclear power
plant no problems.
But wait that's not all, the drive back to Regina
[rhymes with ...] was not without fun and games. Black
ice and no visibility aside it is still a requirement
to drive at 120kph, this is great until Bambi decides
to do the proverbial lets cross the road trick, now
all experience tells you to slam on the picks, swerve,
panic and all that, however I choose to floor it. Here
I ask the question, [you know all is well as I am
writing this down after the fact], but my question is,
why do animals get half way across then stop and stare
at you, Bambi move you fool, SMACK, BANG to late, [oh
look there is where I was going, and there is where I
have been, there is where is was going again, and
there is have been again, WEEEEEEE you can spin a car
in these conditions approx 8 times.
I hope Bambi is alright, whoops no I don't think Bambi
is moving. Man can a 40lb animal make a dent or what,
[car driveable check], will send photo soon, don't
show the kids, [seeing a damaged car like that is so
traumatic]. Pip 1 Deer 0. Car rental company not at
all upset happens all the time. Insurance Co 1 Pip 0.
Great, another airport, "when do we board", 6.35pm "Ok
thanks". 6.40pm oh look surprise surprise there's no
plane at our gate, attention all passengers on flight
blar blar blar to Toronto there is a slight delay,
[you think]? As there is no plane at our gate and we
are the only f....ing people in the airport that we
need to have 10 messages attention all passengers on
flight blar blar blar to Toronto there is a further
delay. Oh goodie lets have a drink, what do you mean
the bar closes at 7.30pm, what the hell
kind of place is this. Anyway get back to Toronto with
a very smooth flight, albeit 1am. Oh well that's
business life for you.
Well there you have it, a small insight into Toronto
Pips excellent business adventure to Saskatchewan
region, to its capital Regina and Saskatoon. What a
great name.
Bye for now.
Toronto Pip
Monday, January 30, 2006
Did I tell you about the girl I met in Regina......January 30 2006
Crikey Its Toronto Pip with his trusty, oh no it's a
business trip so am on my todd.
Welcome to "the business trip that is".
Haven't had time for "the week that was" of late so
you are just going to have to put up with this short
and sweet rendition of my latest business trip.
I was sitting at Toronto airport Sunday afternoon
working out how many planes I have been on, how many
hotels I have stayed in, how many rental f...ing cars
I have hired [and were the hell am I going this time]
and wondered to myself what the hell is it all about,
way are we here, did we evolve [some of my friends
proof we did] shit that was a bit heavy, lets digress
to my trip before I get all teary eyed.
Take of 4pm to Saskatchewan, NO it was delayed out of
Saskatchewan as there was a blizzard. Take of at 7pm
NO, as we had to wait in line to be sprayed with fluid
to de-ice. Take of at 7.30 NO, we now had to wait in a
cue for 30 Min's before take off. At least I going
back in time if you know what I mean. Who ever said
travel was glamours needs a kick up the jacksy.
Flight to Sas very smooth, not so with the landing as
we had to fly through high winds [and that was just
from my pants], through a blizzard, as I was looking
out window to see were the runway was we hit, bounced,
hit, bounced, hit, bounced, hit and stopped bouncing,
[it was like watching the women's final at Melbourne,
I mean the young lady sitting next to me breast's were
doing a fantastic impersonation]. I was just starting
to get excited when the bloody pilot decided to slam
the plane into a skid, hit full reverse and brakes at
the same time so my last vision was not of a wonderful
pair of firm knocker's getting back to a normal sway
but the f...ing tray in the upright position smacking
me in the nose. To top it off the nob up the front [I
mean the pilot] announced welcome to Regina [which
sounds like va.... and his landing nearly gave me
angina]. Its a crisp -11 with wind chills of -20. Oh
great I forgot my battery operated heated long johns
and my hat. Into another Hotel to find the bar under
construction and the restaurant closed, great.
Any way I have a days work in Regina, and then up to
Saskatoon for another day, that will be great as its
-20 with wind chill of - f..k its cold. I will keep
you informed of my first real drive into the
wilderness, at the counter of the rental car company,
will you be taking the insurance option sir, "hell
yes, and can I have the red mustang I haven't bent one
of those?, Yet!
Catch you soon
Love to all
Toronto Schumaker Pip
business trip so am on my todd.
Welcome to "the business trip that is".
Haven't had time for "the week that was" of late so
you are just going to have to put up with this short
and sweet rendition of my latest business trip.
I was sitting at Toronto airport Sunday afternoon
working out how many planes I have been on, how many
hotels I have stayed in, how many rental f...ing cars
I have hired [and were the hell am I going this time]
and wondered to myself what the hell is it all about,
way are we here, did we evolve [some of my friends
proof we did] shit that was a bit heavy, lets digress
to my trip before I get all teary eyed.
Take of 4pm to Saskatchewan, NO it was delayed out of
Saskatchewan as there was a blizzard. Take of at 7pm
NO, as we had to wait in line to be sprayed with fluid
to de-ice. Take of at 7.30 NO, we now had to wait in a
cue for 30 Min's before take off. At least I going
back in time if you know what I mean. Who ever said
travel was glamours needs a kick up the jacksy.
Flight to Sas very smooth, not so with the landing as
we had to fly through high winds [and that was just
from my pants], through a blizzard, as I was looking
out window to see were the runway was we hit, bounced,
hit, bounced, hit, bounced, hit and stopped bouncing,
[it was like watching the women's final at Melbourne,
I mean the young lady sitting next to me breast's were
doing a fantastic impersonation]. I was just starting
to get excited when the bloody pilot decided to slam
the plane into a skid, hit full reverse and brakes at
the same time so my last vision was not of a wonderful
pair of firm knocker's getting back to a normal sway
but the f...ing tray in the upright position smacking
me in the nose. To top it off the nob up the front [I
mean the pilot] announced welcome to Regina [which
sounds like va.... and his landing nearly gave me
angina]. Its a crisp -11 with wind chills of -20. Oh
great I forgot my battery operated heated long johns
and my hat. Into another Hotel to find the bar under
construction and the restaurant closed, great.
Any way I have a days work in Regina, and then up to
Saskatoon for another day, that will be great as its
-20 with wind chill of - f..k its cold. I will keep
you informed of my first real drive into the
wilderness, at the counter of the rental car company,
will you be taking the insurance option sir, "hell
yes, and can I have the red mustang I haven't bent one
of those?, Yet!
Catch you soon
Love to all
Toronto Schumaker Pip
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
New York on my Mind: January 25 2006
Kia ora to all back home in NZ,
It is I Toronto Pip, no I mean NYPD (New York Pip
Dept), oh I have no idea who I am.
Currently I am commuting to New York every week from
Toronto. So it is down on Monday morn & back Friday
evening, as you can guess the "banshee" is not overly
happy with these arrangements... I can assure you it
is not such a great arrangement for me either...not
enough jiggy jiggy.
Here is last weeks flying adventure...
Limo picks me up at 4am (yes limo, or town car as they
call them up here) the early hour due to the fact that
it is an international flight. Check in, no luggage
only carry on. Sit in seat at 6.15am, taxi out while
looking at snow storm dumping about 6 inches of snow
on the wing??? We de-ice which takes about 15 Min's,
then taxi to take off, pilot not happy so back to
gate...Back out to de-ice at 7.45am, this time there
is a queue, wait another 30Min's...De-ice and taxi to
join a 20min queue...Pilot announces that flight has
been cancelled due to ice rain and the plane is not
rated for flying in ice-rain. In many ways this is
rather comforting...We de-plane & there is the normal
stampede to the gate to re-book. We seasoned
traveller's stay in our seats and hit the Continental
re-dial button and re-book on the 10.30 flight with
which we are told to go to gate 9 to collect boarding
passes, 75 people do not go into 40 seats. Stroll up
to the gate and wait patiently at back of queue. They
announce that flight is full, however could Pip Wood,
John Smith etc etc please come and collect their
boarding passes. The looks we get are hostile to say
the least...Finally we take off...have 25Min's of
horrendous turbulence and arrive in Newark at 2.14pm.
Friday, limo picks me up at 5.15pm to drive to
airport, big queues as it is Friday, 8.15pm flight
back to Toronto...it starts to snow horizontally...we
board as per usual and push back on time at 8pm...taxi
out to be de-iced, with pilot saying we are on time
and will be taking off shortly after this
process...then announces that we are 39th in the
queue...2 hrs later we de-ice...taxi...and take
off...arrive in Toronto at 12.30am Sat...oh the joys
of living the life of an international business
person.
This week I chose to travel to Washington DC where I
had 2 important meetings. One was with the govt
contract dept...once you get in here and are on the
list...it means every project that is a govt funded
one...your product is specified automatically.
The next meeting was at the FBI headquarters in
DC...of course I was there on the day that George Baby
was having his State of The Nation speech...everybody
in law enforcement was on high alert...we were
visiting a very high tech area that was
CLASSIFIED...our product has been installed because of
its anti-static qualities...it was an experience...we
were x-rayed twice (this only showed up my hand
gun)...patted down twice (I pretend to enjoy that a
little to much)...no cell phones or any electronic
devices (what I can't use my spy camera in here)...I
tried to get on one of the computers to see what dirt
they had on me but alas I failed...as soon as you move
from where you are supposed to be someone in a blue
suit appears from no where...I wasn't even able to
keep my FBI visitors pass...When we left the building
I couldn't help but say "he's got a gun" loudly just
to get a reaction... apparently they don't fall for
that one anymore...
I was deposited on the pavement by two guys in blue
suits...what is it with the FBI and blue suits...
Oh god it's Super Bowl in a few weeks...I had to endue
a semi-final the other night...what a stupid game...it
takes 3 hrs to play a game of 4 x 20min
quarters...There was a game of rugby also playing but
trying to explain how real men play sport to this lot
is a waste of time...when the rugby game had finished
they were just finishing the 2nd quarter???
"The She Devil" is of to Paris next week...poor her
eh...we have a friend Robert who takes an apartment
there every year so she can stay for free...his boy
friend (hence Julie going to stay in Paris with our
friend Robert) Gerard is a fantastic & becoming well
known artist...so it gets me out of having to go there
and look at museum's/art galleries & old
buildings...all I want to do is chase French Skirt
(probably why I haven't been invited)...so she can
titter around look at art and fashion with two guys
who understand tittering about looking at art and
fashion...
Montreal (soon to be Manhattan) McGregor will have
some quality time with his dad...when I come down here
to NY he will have to join me...
That's all for now...I will be back soon as I have a
few more tales to tell...
NYPD Pip
Over and out.
It is I Toronto Pip, no I mean NYPD (New York Pip
Dept), oh I have no idea who I am.
Currently I am commuting to New York every week from
Toronto. So it is down on Monday morn & back Friday
evening, as you can guess the "banshee" is not overly
happy with these arrangements... I can assure you it
is not such a great arrangement for me either...not
enough jiggy jiggy.
Here is last weeks flying adventure...
Limo picks me up at 4am (yes limo, or town car as they
call them up here) the early hour due to the fact that
it is an international flight. Check in, no luggage
only carry on. Sit in seat at 6.15am, taxi out while
looking at snow storm dumping about 6 inches of snow
on the wing??? We de-ice which takes about 15 Min's,
then taxi to take off, pilot not happy so back to
gate...Back out to de-ice at 7.45am, this time there
is a queue, wait another 30Min's...De-ice and taxi to
join a 20min queue...Pilot announces that flight has
been cancelled due to ice rain and the plane is not
rated for flying in ice-rain. In many ways this is
rather comforting...We de-plane & there is the normal
stampede to the gate to re-book. We seasoned
traveller's stay in our seats and hit the Continental
re-dial button and re-book on the 10.30 flight with
which we are told to go to gate 9 to collect boarding
passes, 75 people do not go into 40 seats. Stroll up
to the gate and wait patiently at back of queue. They
announce that flight is full, however could Pip Wood,
John Smith etc etc please come and collect their
boarding passes. The looks we get are hostile to say
the least...Finally we take off...have 25Min's of
horrendous turbulence and arrive in Newark at 2.14pm.
Friday, limo picks me up at 5.15pm to drive to
airport, big queues as it is Friday, 8.15pm flight
back to Toronto...it starts to snow horizontally...we
board as per usual and push back on time at 8pm...taxi
out to be de-iced, with pilot saying we are on time
and will be taking off shortly after this
process...then announces that we are 39th in the
queue...2 hrs later we de-ice...taxi...and take
off...arrive in Toronto at 12.30am Sat...oh the joys
of living the life of an international business
person.
This week I chose to travel to Washington DC where I
had 2 important meetings. One was with the govt
contract dept...once you get in here and are on the
list...it means every project that is a govt funded
one...your product is specified automatically.
The next meeting was at the FBI headquarters in
DC...of course I was there on the day that George Baby
was having his State of The Nation speech...everybody
in law enforcement was on high alert...we were
visiting a very high tech area that was
CLASSIFIED...our product has been installed because of
its anti-static qualities...it was an experience...we
were x-rayed twice (this only showed up my hand
gun)...patted down twice (I pretend to enjoy that a
little to much)...no cell phones or any electronic
devices (what I can't use my spy camera in here)...I
tried to get on one of the computers to see what dirt
they had on me but alas I failed...as soon as you move
from where you are supposed to be someone in a blue
suit appears from no where...I wasn't even able to
keep my FBI visitors pass...When we left the building
I couldn't help but say "he's got a gun" loudly just
to get a reaction... apparently they don't fall for
that one anymore...
I was deposited on the pavement by two guys in blue
suits...what is it with the FBI and blue suits...
Oh god it's Super Bowl in a few weeks...I had to endue
a semi-final the other night...what a stupid game...it
takes 3 hrs to play a game of 4 x 20min
quarters...There was a game of rugby also playing but
trying to explain how real men play sport to this lot
is a waste of time...when the rugby game had finished
they were just finishing the 2nd quarter???
"The She Devil" is of to Paris next week...poor her
eh...we have a friend Robert who takes an apartment
there every year so she can stay for free...his boy
friend (hence Julie going to stay in Paris with our
friend Robert) Gerard is a fantastic & becoming well
known artist...so it gets me out of having to go there
and look at museum's/art galleries & old
buildings...all I want to do is chase French Skirt
(probably why I haven't been invited)...so she can
titter around look at art and fashion with two guys
who understand tittering about looking at art and
fashion...
Montreal (soon to be Manhattan) McGregor will have
some quality time with his dad...when I come down here
to NY he will have to join me...
That's all for now...I will be back soon as I have a
few more tales to tell...
NYPD Pip
Over and out.
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