Just Surviving Here, There and Everywhere: September 27 2005

Tena ia tangate,


[Hi All],

Welcome to "the week that was". A totally whimsical,

exciting & profound look at the goings on of Toronto

Pip and his trusty [or should that be musty] sidekick

Mississauga Juju.

Well its been a busy few weeks with "outlaw Paul &

Moira" and of course that dirty four letter word

"work".



Yes the "outlaws are still here, 5 weeks realllllllly

goes fast really it does? They have been travelling

around with "Jujuknowall", this time they have been

searching out relatives in Quebec City [which is

absolutely beautiful and is just like being in France,

so I'm told] and Montreal [which is also beautiful and

the old port area is like being in France, which I

know]. However you do have to put up with the

Quebecois who make the real Frenchies look like

angels. Nothing is translated into any other language

not even road signs, even there car number plate

surrounds read "Je Me Souviens" which translated means

"I Remember". [ie. we haven't forgotten you english

bastards attacked us]? So getting back to relies

really none of Canada or North America mind you is

safe from Juju and her quest to have a relative from

everywhere. Now I have to put up with the "screaming

banshee" who's relatives fought and settled on the

very ground I currently walk and reside. Our apartment

resembles a journalists desk, with maps, genealogy

trees, photo's, maps, history stories. The madness

never ends. I keep threatening to start on my

relatives who were in Nova Scotia for a while, however

"Jujuknowalls" were there first.



I of course can't escape this madness and was over

heard yelling "stop the world I want to get off"

unfortunately this outburst was at 35,000 feet on a

flight to Chicago. After a short discussion with the

travelling "air marshal", yes they do exist, not

helped with me wanting to see his weapon [gun you

sicko, I haven't gone that way yet], so I spent the

rest of the flight handcuffed to my seat. Which made

it very hard to drink my Bloody Mary while searching

for a virgin called Mary, I mean I was flying Virgin

Air and the hostess was called Mary.

They released me once I pleaded, explained that the

"outlaws" had been here for 4 weeks, my blood pressure

pills weren't working,

and obey-one-wive-only [this is a star wars fantasy of

mine, with Princess Lay-her] and that "she who must be

obeyed" was tracking her geological history [not

helped by me explaining that who cares as it was 100's

of years ago and they are dead anyway, which is what

I'll be if I keep that approach going].



Speaking of pills I got them mixed up the other night

while in my hotel room after realising that I was in

Chicago on my own and away from my "living hell" [its

not that bad really], sense's heightened by the fact

that the hotel I stay at is also used by airline crew

[including Mary from Virgin, who definitely isn't],

and not to mention I had had a few quiet rums. So

instead of taking my blood pressure pills I took

Viagra. So I spent the whole night with a raging I

mean racing heart, there was one benefit though and

that was that there was absolutely no chance of me

falling out of bed???



I'll give you a run down on my week, so you can feel

for me and then there will be an outpouring of

sympathy and many donations to the save the "Toronto

Pip Fund".



Monday.

Morning, Toronto, work.

Afternoon, fly Detroit, couple of meetings.

Evening, fly to Chicago.



Tuesday. Chicago.

Morning, meetings, driving around central city

architects etc.

Afternoon, as above.

Evening, hotel bar, airline hostesses, dinner etc etc.



Wednesday.

Morning, meetings. Driving around flooring contractors

which make Hills Flooring's look like a small

non-event.

Afternoon as above.

Evening, fly to Detroit, back to Toronto.

Walk in door at home 2.30am Thursday [no wife, busy

chasing dead people].



Thursday,

AM. Collect McGregor from his best friends house, all

day in office.



Friday,

AM. Office.

PM. McGregor & I drive to Montreal [545km in 4hrs]

YeeHaaaaaaaaaaa you got to love the straight roads and

130km speed limit [unofficial]. Great hotel in middle

of Montreal [thanks "outlaw Moira & Paul"



Saturday,

ARRRRRGGGGGG WE VISITED ANOTHER BLOODY LAKE. Well

actually and technically it is the St-Laurent seaway

which runs from the Atlantic to lake Ontario, [I said

to Juju that if she really wants to track the

ancestor's she should do this in a kayak]. My life

expectancy shortened once again, getting very good at

sleeping with one eye open?

Stayed in another magnificent B&B, when we get back to

NZ [3 years] we are seriously thinking of opening one.



That's all for now, Matt & Linda [brother &

Sister-in-law] are here on Friday. So that will be a

good reason & grounds for a big night on the truth

serum, and needless to say ammunition for the next

"week that was".



So bye for now, I know you all miss me, oh I'm getting

all teary eyed, [eh right, tui add]

Love to all

Toronto Pip.

Outlaws at Niagara and other places: September 13 2005

Hi All,


From The Winter-less North, that is Toronto, welcome

to "the week that was".

Another action packed, enchanting, riveting and

totally absorbing adventure of Toronto Pip and his

trusty [or should that be busty] side-kick [its better

than drop-kick] Mississauga Juju. Plus the temporary

[thank god] appearance of the "Outlaws", dan dan dan

dannnnn [picture this with dramatic music].



The mention of the winter-less north, has been thrown

in early on as normally talking about the weather is

both boring and generally puts people to sleep. I

don't mean to harp on but when will the heat stop???

Its hovering around the early 30's still, and quite

frankly I just wish it would piss of and start

snowing, however you have to be careful of what

company you are in when you mention this, as some

Ontarians take it all a bit seriously.



Well the "outlaws" have been here for two weeks [feels

like months], and its been amazing [really it is], its

amazing that there hasn't been a murder. Anyway Ju and

the "outlaws" have been exploring Toronto during the

day, then after work tour guide "Toronto Pip" kicks

in, this makes for some interesting, relaxing &

tranquil trips in the car during rush hour when 2

million people are trying to get home, [quick pass the

pepto bismol, or should that be pips-live-is-dismal].



Well on Friday we went to Niagara on the Lake, this is

a small town about 15-20 mins from the actual falls.

It is an absolutely stunning setting, with grand old

things everywhere [and not just "outlaw Paul & Moira"

but the "evil witch" also] I mean all colonial houses,

and the main street and its flowers are spectacular

[oh god I've caught outlawitis, send help, send money,

send anything, send something].

We stayed at a 200 hundred year old B&B which was just

out of town, in a peach orchard and next to all the

Niagara vineyards [good eh]. We were allowed to take

McGregor which was good and he and the farm dog Max

the Alsatian got on well, not so good with the

farmhouse pussy [cat, you sicko] Hannibal, at least I

think it was a cat, it was this Hairy & Fluffy thing

that moved from time to time. It certainly wasn't a

hairless chawawa, or a fine haired Siamese [like all

pussies should be??].

Friday afternoon [late] we drove 15 mins to the falls

[Niagara Falls you slow ones], you know just popped in

to have a look and watch the sun go down. Then back

into town for dinner.



Saturday we hit the vineyards, [the 3 major ones]. I

of course gravitated, no headed straight to the

tasting rooms, while "she devil" as per usual got to

know all about the architecture, the wine, the people,

etc etc. Me with all the tact in the world put on an

Aussie accent, and behaved like Russel Crowe, and

explained that they had no idea how to make red wine &

which tasting room is free. I had to be careful though

as the drink drive laws up here are pretty strict [You

can't drive home slightly tipsy [blind drunk] like

back at home.

Then Saturday afternoon we headed back towards the

falls, and walked around the botanical gardens, [help

me please], then to the butterfly house [really, help

me]. It was actually astonishingly beautiful, and I

have never seen butterfly's like it, and some of the

moths were the size of a football [helllllpppppp

meeeeeeee].

I got severely reprimanded in the gift shop when I

announced why in hell did they not sell butterfly nets

or bug spray?

Then back to Niagara Falls, [why, because we could]?

Then around the river and up to look at Lake Eerie and

over the Peace Bridge to Buffalo USA, big mistake,

there had been some Hispanic march or something so I

had to call into the local gun store and buy "the

banshee" & "outlaws" bullet proof vests, then teach

"outlaw Paul" how to use the Beretta and "outlaw

Moira" the pump action shotty while I zig zagged our

way back to the Rainbow Bridge and back onto Canadian

soil [thank god].



Then back to Toronto. "Outlaw & Ju have gone up to

P.E.I [Price Edward Island] Anne of Green Gables

country, "outlaw Paul's" ancestors came from there so

good for Paul and of course he has the walking

encyclopedia [she who knows all] Juju with him, so

they should have a great time.



I of course am batching for 4 days with McGregor [what

can we get up to???]. So he and I will walk the

streets trying to spot actors. We have the Toronto

Film Festival" in town so there are celeb's

everywhere. I have so far en counted [seen up

close]Pierce Bronson [looks alright], Madonna [not

flash in the flesh], Val Kilmer [you girls would like

him], and Charlize Theron [oh yer baby, huminer

huminer].

So I will use the next few days to relax and catch up

with some sleep [yer right]



Anyway that's all for now, I am of to Chicago [on my

own] again next week as well as Montreal with the

"outlaws", and then the following week to Calgary and

Edmonton, Alberta and if I can fit it in Vancouver. So

that will make for some good up and coming issues of

"the week that was".

Love to all,

Toronto Pip

The In-laws in town: September 7 2005

Hi All,


Welcome to another "the week that was", full of the

enthralling, exciting, and the sometimes unbelievable

adventures of Toronto Pip and his trusty [or should

that be crusty] side-kick Mississauga Juju.



As you may be aware I have the "outlaws" [parents in

law for you slow ones] up here visiting, so as you can

imagine I am on my best behaviour, "yer right". With

the oldies up here, as well as Juju's parents, the

touring around is a bit interesting, early dinners,

mashed food, loud talking [I've never had a problem in

that department] etc, and that's just for Julie, it

makes for some interesting evenings. I was going to

take Paul to he "Brass Rail" [a quality

establishment], however I didn't want to have a heart

attack on my hands so canned that tour.



As you are probably all aware on the 2nd of Sept I

turned over yet another year [with another year some

hoped that I would grow up, mature, etc, however that

just seems so boring]. For those of you who

remembered, thank you for your emails, kind words, and

caring anecdotes etc. For those of you who didn't, you

should be ashamed of yourselves, however you can

redeem all by sending a substantial donation to the

Toronto Pip Fund [a none profit organisation set up

for re-hydration [drinking], meeting new acquaintances

[chasing local wildlife], food distribution [eating],

fitness [watching sport at the local bar]. All

donations are tax deductible and can be sent to the TD

Canadian Trust Bank Toronto, [just use Toronto Pip as

the reference, they know who I am].



As I have always said;

" Life should not be a journey to the grave with the

intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well

preserved body"

"But rather to Skid in sideways, Rum in one hand,

Viagra in the other, body thoroughly worn out and

screaming "yee ha" WHAT A RIDE!



We just had our last long weekend for the year which

means we are on the downward slide into winter and yes

you guessed it, we went to a lake [yes a lake] for the

weekend. We drove north with the "outlaws" and went up

to the well known "Muskoka area" [cottage country] as

we drove I acted as tour guide pointing out points of

interest on the way [blonds, brunettes, etc], as well

as noting the Canadian wildlife [blonds, redheads,

etc]. Needless to say "outlaw Paul" enjoyed this very

much.

We stayed at a very nice place right on "Gull Lake"

yes another ....... lake! "Outlaw Moira" enjoyed this.





We took a lake tour of "Muskoka" on an old steam

vessel, a "grand old girl with great heritage" the

boat had some history as well.

I of course made straight for the engine room and made

friends with the engineer and set about giving him

pointers and advise on how to make the steam engine

more efficient, more powerful, more steamy? The guy

who stoked the fire was not impressed with my asking

if it was hot enough for him, or should we throw a few

more shovels of coal on for good measure. The scary

thing was that "she who must be obeyed" didn't even

break a sweat????

Then I made my way up to the bridge to ask if I could

take the wheel, dock it back at the wharf. I flashed

my New Zealand drivers license to make as if I was

officially a steam boat driver, after some discussion

we all agreed that the police would sort it all out

when we got back to port.

It didn't help matters when I went "forward" [that's a

boat term] and did my Titanic impersonation hanging of

the "bow" [another nautical term] and yelled "I'm on

top of the world" I explained to the police that it

was my birthday yesterday, and that I was touring with

the "banshee" [wife] and the "outlaws", this was a

BIG mistake as the police automatically realised I was

obviously delusional as anyone touring with his "wife"

and the "outlaws" could NOT be on top of the world.



We then travelled further north, past more ..... lakes

to "Algonquin National Park" unbelievable mass of land

with the most fantastic wildlife [actual]

conservation, canoeing etc.

I went bear hunting [or was that beer hunting] all I

could come up with was a chipmunk and a skunk

[unfortunately not a skank] [ask a young person you

oldies]??

Then we looked for some Moose, I am kind of glad we

didn't find one as they are huge animals. Its no

wonder you are kind of buggered if you hit one. I'll

send some photos if I can soon.

The park had an amazing visitors centre which

explained the history of the park, had great displays,

etc. We also had a great bush walk.



Then down to another lake called "Scugog". The

township is wonderful and has great shops etc, its the

only place that has shops like home.

Then down to Lake Ontario where I had a swim next to

the nuclear power plant. If I start to develop extra

body parts I'll send photo's and leave them to

science. Then back to Toronto for some well earned

rest. And back to work after a relaxing weekend.



This week Thursday I have to go to Chicago so I will

drive the "she devil & the "outlaws" to Niagara and

then fly from Buffalo to Chicago. Then join them for

Friday night, then on Saturday visit "Marine Land"

where they have Orca's you can kiss and Beluga Whales.

I may have a nudge at going over the falls in a

barrel, there is good money in it if you survive. So

that will be some ammunition for the next week that

was.

Catch up with you all soon.

Love

Toronto Pip