Tena Koutou NZ Whanua,
Welcome to another episode of “the week that was”, a masterpiece of literary genius, which will keep you enthralled, on the edge of your seat & unable to understand. And all this to do with the goings on of Toronto Pip. This week there is not much action from my musty side-kick Mississauga Juju and the ever present Montreal McGregor?
This week we have fun and adventure on the high seas of Lake Huron [or should that be high lakes?] with the Canadian Coast Guard [be all you can be], we visit rural Michigan [yeee hawww & dosie doh], visit Michigan State University in Ann Arbor [opens your eyes a bit] then down to Detroit [don the bullet proof vest and strap on the side arm] for some relaxation & a bite of lunch with Mafioso?
So it starts like this, I drive to Sarnia which is the border between US & Canada, US Port Huron, Canada Port Sarnia. In places you could probably drive a golf ball across [if you where me, John Daley or Tiger that is]? I get whistled on board the CCGS [Canadian Coast Guard Ship for you slow ones] Samuel Risley and that was just by the female crew members and to my horror one of the men [lenient for that stuff up here]. Chief Officer Signe Gotfredsen asks me how long do you have, I reply how long does it take. Want a ride, ok. Next thing you know we are casting off to do a wee sea trial to see if the up grades work. [And here was me thinking we were talking about something completely different].
The 220’ cutter pulls out at a leisurely 10 kits into Lake Huron. Next thing sirens start and all hands are called, I think we are under attack [from the Middle East faction Sadam SeaBass BoatBomber Hussein] then I think well if we go down at least I am in good hands. We’ll it was a speed run, so its ark up the 3 x 12,000 hp diesels I’m thinking it will take a while for her to wind up, but before I can grab a rail I am sat on my butt. By the time I pull myself to my feet and look out the window we are already hitting 30 kts and climbing, we peg out at 45 kts [that’s 85kmh] which doesn’t sound much but when you realise you are on a 220’ vessel it is rather impressive. I ask if I can go aft to see what is happening out the back. So there I am looking over the back and we are putting up an impressive rooster tail of about 50’ to 100’ height x 150’ to 200’ out the back and a wake of about 20’ to 30’. The noise is deafening. Bloody hell there’s the
siren again, the young women next to me has eyes as bid as saucers and I can’t hear a word she is saying, so I go by the fear in her eyes and the fact that her knuckles are white with the death grip she has on the railing as an indication that I should quickly follow suit. Christ the next thing we are doing speed turns and the vessel hasn’t slowed any. The boat is doing things that are not possible we turn hard to starboard then hard to port, she is groaning as we are horizontal then vertical, horizontal then vertical [the boat that is], then there is that bloody siren again, a quick glance to my left and the young women's eyes have got bigger and her grip is so tight she has made himself cry, I personally need a change of undies, THEN we’ll f??k me if they don’t bash this thing in reverse without slowing down. We literally go from 45 kts to stop in about 10 seconds, the bird and I are soaked which is a good thing as I believe we probably had both pee’ed in our
pants.
After that I needed some slow time so it is off to rural Michigan to visit a manufacturer of sports equipment for universities who want's to run with our products. We'll there I am in the middle of nowhere and there is a hotel just sitting in a field with a restaurant [a Bob Evans to be precise] next to it. Home style cooking the ad said. This is where you realise that little old NZ is so far ahead in worldly matters and that, yes we actually should be afraid of the fact that the US see's itself as a world power. So I go in, and ask question and generally make small talk as I am on my own! The black girl goes all gooey over my accent and everyone makes a fuss while all I want to do is have something to eat AND OH SHIT IT IS A FAMILY RESTURANT AND THEY DON'T SERVE ALCOHOL. It just gets better. I sit down and glance around the room AND OH BUGGER YES WE ARE IN RURAL AMERICA AND YOU CAN SMOKE ANYWHERE, it gets better! So there is this guy who resembles "yabber the hut" [star
wars movie] to which I am shocked, yet fascinated, I stare I just cannot take my eyes of him as I have never seen a human drink 15 soft drinks while never taking the cigarette out of his mouth and all while devouring what looked like to be 3 whole chickens. Then I realised he had Mrs Yabber and all the little Yabber's with him who all resembled something from a bad b-grade horror movie "the blob" or in this case blobs?! I finish my chicken pot pie, then glance their way and run to the bathroom to start my new vice "bulimia". So all I want to do is escape but the staff thinks I am something special, so I have to talk and explain where I am from? Why I am here? So I want to pay my bill, when out of the blue the black girl ask's me "what language do you speak in NZ"? Open mouthed I stood, excuse me I thought I was speaking English, but obviously I slipped back to my native tongue Swahili. "How are you going to pay" she ask's, American Express, "you have American Express in
NZ", YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING "yes and we also have phones & cars & TV & Coke & GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE??????????????.
Then down to Ann Arbor to visit a new install at Michigan State Uni football centre. OH MY GOD, apart from being allowed to watch the cheer leaders practice [could you just do that throw in the air split rutine one more time I think you were not extended enough on that last set]. Even the cheer leaders have there own gym, offices and operates just like the football team, it is has to be seen to believed! The campus is about the size of a small town and the buildings for every sport are top notch filled with top gear etc. Just goes to show when you have a large population anything is affordable.
Down to Detroit, stop at city limits to don the bullet proof vest, and make sure the side arm is loaded with one up the spout. Another meeting at Motor City Casino, then down to Ford to see if they are still in business, yep there is a pulse. Then my rep and I have to meet a GM guy at "Carl's Chop House" a Detroit institution? I know what you are thinking, Carl's Cop House, could it be a chop shop for stolen cars, no? Is it a house of ill repute, no? Is it a house of evangelistic goings on, no? Is it a house at all, NO? It is a Mafioso owned restaurant that has not changed since the 50's, a guy play's the piano, waiters in black tux's, no windows, it has a charm about it, it is shifty to say the least, the food is superb, and if you complain the waiter is found "swimming with the fish, capesh"? The GM guy asks if we want to go to the "ball game" I reluctantly say yes and the next thing I know we are heading to the game in a limo, we get waved through the gates at the
stadium and right under the ground. Hop out and walk 5m into the elevator that took us up to the GM corporate box. It was like no other corp box I have ever seen, it was the size of a quarter of a rugby field and more exciting than that it was boy's afternoon (no girls or wife’s etc), so the girls who were serving us were appropriately attired, can't remember much about the game, not through drunkenness, but by the fact that there were far more interesting things going on around me. Oh look, there is Tammy & Sammy the twins, and Brittany I don't think you should bend back like that, something might go pop and yes please feel free to do the splits while handing me a beer of the tray. Quite frankly it is all good.
I watched with interest and was sad to not be a part of Auckland’s "Boob's on Bikes" it looked like a great spectacle, the usual winging sandal wearing tree huggers were out in force also I see. I bet that "Cereal Rapist" mayor was also thinking of ways having it stopped. Just like the street race, the stadium, the list goes on. I now live in a city of 6 million people where we have road closures, street parties, street races that go on for days some even weeks with absolutely little drama? They even close down the major motorway here twice a year, one for a bike race, the second for a marathon. So I say up the establishment and I look forward to all your support when I return to Auckland and run for mayor.
So long for now, thinking of you all, much love,
Toronto Pip
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