Hi all,
Cat got your tongue, oh how quickly they forget, any
way back into my normal delivery of the goings on of
Toronto Pip and Mississauga Juju.
I trust I catch you all well and enjoying the summer.
I am loving winter here and don't know what they all
complain about. Just last night it was -13 degrees and
I still managed to take the dog out for a walk with
my rugby shorts on. The locals can't believe it and
they stand out there looking like bloody Eskimo's
complaining how cold it is. Harden up I say, [which is
probably the wrong thing considering most of them are
gay].
I know that you have all been waiting anxiously for
"the week that was", some even pinning. It has become
a kind of expectation, a cult even. However with
travel etc this time it has to be "THE WEEKS THAT
WERE". I will try in my own way to keep it brief.
GROUNDHOG DAY,
February 2nd an American & Canadian tradition were
people trek to Gobblers Knob [and no its not just
around the corner from where we live, however I
believe half off those there believe they will get
some]. Only to find Punxsutawney Phil a cute little
groundhog who predicts the end of winter. Its the day
he comes out of his hole after a long winter sleep to
look for his shadow [just like Mississauga Juju].
If it is bright and clear six more months of winter is
there.
If it is dull and cloudy, Phil recons winters over.
Needless to say we are having a longer winter.
GRITS,
What the hell is this all about, every time I go to
the mid-west or mid-south of the US of A. I am always
served coffee by Cletus, and then his sister, who is
also his mother [that explains the missing teeth and
the slow talk]. Anyway it always happens I get asked,
"you want Hominy grits or plain grits", oh god I don't
want to be rude but who the f..k wants something
called grits for breakfast. Its made from the flint or
dent of corn with hard kernels that are dried on the
cob but then they soak them in a solution of baking
soda, lime & wood ash. Apparently this soften and
loosens the hulls [not to mention softens and loosens
something else]. Plus if need be they can use the
mixture to help with the road works. Unfortunately I
had to spend the whole day in Pleasant Shade,
Tennessee and after the grits I can assure you I
wasn't a pleasant shade. They cook them in about two
inches of bacon fat. Also this was the only place in
town that you could eat at. Back for lunch and feeling
safe only to find they serve grits for all meals [I
skipped dinner]. Cletus was still there with Beth who
is his mothers sister which makes her his aunt as well
as his other sister [try and keep up will you].
BUSINESS TRIPS.
I am making a bit of an effort in the north of US of
A, been visiting and or about to visit Minnesota,
Iowa, Illinois, Missouri, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania
and of course my favourite Michigan. Car Capital of
the world, or should that be gun capital of the world.
[I travel packing heat and am never far from the
bullet proof vest]. Its great you go to restaurants
and they have lockers as there is a no gun policy
inside, plus you have to walk through metal detectors
to prove your clean. WOW WHAT A COUNTRY. [I have my
own opinion on that but that would be another whole
new email in its self].
We had a visit from Vicky Broadbent [or as I like to
call her Mistress Vicky] so you can imagine the carry
on that week, yet again a whole email in its self. It
was great to see her and we had a ball.
Ju & I have been skiing [snow of course] and after a
few of you have picked yourselves up off the floor I
have to say I am loving it and will be at the 2010
Olympics probably skiing for Canada??? I will be in
ski jumping, downhill, aerials, and luge. Anyway back
up the hill this weekend to break in the new boots.
I am home in Toronto this week but next week a quick
trip to London and Paris, [just for 4 days]. Then I
have a split week in Wisconsin & Minnesota to train
some new reps and see one factory which is of interest
to us. So there you have it, a it boring I know, but
its the best I can do.
Send me a bit of your own news, its always good &
exciting to get emails, however dull.
Bye for now, Love to all.
Toronto Pip
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Regina, Saskatoon,Bambi & other frozen things: Feb 1 2006
Hi Again,
More exciting business adventures of Toronto Pip in
the Canadian wilderness.
Anyway after the wonderful flight and sporting a graze
to the side of my nose, I ventured out into the
thriving metropolis that is Regina {it rhymes with}, a
wonderful town of 180,000 people. There was the most
amazing haw frost and the tree's looked well, amazing.
That was about the best of Regina.
Meetings all morning then off to a couple of site
visits, all rather boring really. Well so I thought,
after a 30 min drive we pull up to the gates of SasGeo
Energy, cool I thought a geothermal power plant. OH NO
it was only a front for a NUCLEAR power plant with the
geo part coming from else where? [I offered my
services as I had had re-fried beans at breakfast].
If you have never been to a nuclear plant do, they are
great, I think NZ needs a few, it would solve all our
energy problems, and of course some poor country is
always willing to take the waste and hide it.
I have to admit to being slightly cautious, well as
cautious as I can be. [You know a bit like a kid in a
candy store]. They got sick of my questions, whats
this, whats that, why, when, can I push that big red
button, why are sirens sounding, [I didn't do it]?
Then we got to the reactor part, cool being that close
to all that uranium. I decided to joke and asked the
lab technician if he was interested in space, [when he
answered yes I asked if anyone had probed Uranus].
They do take it seriously, no cell phones, [probably
so if it Chernobyl's when you are in there you can't
call anyone], and after you leave the reactor room you
pass through a giegercounter thingimyjig, to see if
you have gathered any radio active material while in
there. I tried to impersonate the noise those machines
make but no one was fooled.
I got back to my hotel, and when it was time to sleep
turned of the lights, and couldn't work out why it
wasn't dark. Then I realised I was glowing green,
[must have been something I ate].
Up in the morning and off to Saskatoon [which rhymes
with baboon] couldn't think of anything rude. A 3 hour
drive, so relatively short by North American
standards. The weather was gale force with the snowing
either going sideways or up, black ice everywhere, and
the road disappearing from time to time [makes for an
exciting drive and christ do you get tired
concentrating though]. Then I realsised it was 10am
and still dark, [must be further north that I
anticipated, arctic circle region].
Travel tip, don't put Regina [rhymes with va...] or
Saskatoon [rhymes with baboon] on your Canadian travel
plans. Although I can get you into the nuclear power
plant no problems.
But wait that's not all, the drive back to Regina
[rhymes with ...] was not without fun and games. Black
ice and no visibility aside it is still a requirement
to drive at 120kph, this is great until Bambi decides
to do the proverbial lets cross the road trick, now
all experience tells you to slam on the picks, swerve,
panic and all that, however I choose to floor it. Here
I ask the question, [you know all is well as I am
writing this down after the fact], but my question is,
why do animals get half way across then stop and stare
at you, Bambi move you fool, SMACK, BANG to late, [oh
look there is where I was going, and there is where I
have been, there is where is was going again, and
there is have been again, WEEEEEEE you can spin a car
in these conditions approx 8 times.
I hope Bambi is alright, whoops no I don't think Bambi
is moving. Man can a 40lb animal make a dent or what,
[car driveable check], will send photo soon, don't
show the kids, [seeing a damaged car like that is so
traumatic]. Pip 1 Deer 0. Car rental company not at
all upset happens all the time. Insurance Co 1 Pip 0.
Great, another airport, "when do we board", 6.35pm "Ok
thanks". 6.40pm oh look surprise surprise there's no
plane at our gate, attention all passengers on flight
blar blar blar to Toronto there is a slight delay,
[you think]? As there is no plane at our gate and we
are the only f....ing people in the airport that we
need to have 10 messages attention all passengers on
flight blar blar blar to Toronto there is a further
delay. Oh goodie lets have a drink, what do you mean
the bar closes at 7.30pm, what the hell
kind of place is this. Anyway get back to Toronto with
a very smooth flight, albeit 1am. Oh well that's
business life for you.
Well there you have it, a small insight into Toronto
Pips excellent business adventure to Saskatchewan
region, to its capital Regina and Saskatoon. What a
great name.
Bye for now.
Toronto Pip
More exciting business adventures of Toronto Pip in
the Canadian wilderness.
Anyway after the wonderful flight and sporting a graze
to the side of my nose, I ventured out into the
thriving metropolis that is Regina {it rhymes with}, a
wonderful town of 180,000 people. There was the most
amazing haw frost and the tree's looked well, amazing.
That was about the best of Regina.
Meetings all morning then off to a couple of site
visits, all rather boring really. Well so I thought,
after a 30 min drive we pull up to the gates of SasGeo
Energy, cool I thought a geothermal power plant. OH NO
it was only a front for a NUCLEAR power plant with the
geo part coming from else where? [I offered my
services as I had had re-fried beans at breakfast].
If you have never been to a nuclear plant do, they are
great, I think NZ needs a few, it would solve all our
energy problems, and of course some poor country is
always willing to take the waste and hide it.
I have to admit to being slightly cautious, well as
cautious as I can be. [You know a bit like a kid in a
candy store]. They got sick of my questions, whats
this, whats that, why, when, can I push that big red
button, why are sirens sounding, [I didn't do it]?
Then we got to the reactor part, cool being that close
to all that uranium. I decided to joke and asked the
lab technician if he was interested in space, [when he
answered yes I asked if anyone had probed Uranus].
They do take it seriously, no cell phones, [probably
so if it Chernobyl's when you are in there you can't
call anyone], and after you leave the reactor room you
pass through a giegercounter thingimyjig, to see if
you have gathered any radio active material while in
there. I tried to impersonate the noise those machines
make but no one was fooled.
I got back to my hotel, and when it was time to sleep
turned of the lights, and couldn't work out why it
wasn't dark. Then I realised I was glowing green,
[must have been something I ate].
Up in the morning and off to Saskatoon [which rhymes
with baboon] couldn't think of anything rude. A 3 hour
drive, so relatively short by North American
standards. The weather was gale force with the snowing
either going sideways or up, black ice everywhere, and
the road disappearing from time to time [makes for an
exciting drive and christ do you get tired
concentrating though]. Then I realsised it was 10am
and still dark, [must be further north that I
anticipated, arctic circle region].
Travel tip, don't put Regina [rhymes with va...] or
Saskatoon [rhymes with baboon] on your Canadian travel
plans. Although I can get you into the nuclear power
plant no problems.
But wait that's not all, the drive back to Regina
[rhymes with ...] was not without fun and games. Black
ice and no visibility aside it is still a requirement
to drive at 120kph, this is great until Bambi decides
to do the proverbial lets cross the road trick, now
all experience tells you to slam on the picks, swerve,
panic and all that, however I choose to floor it. Here
I ask the question, [you know all is well as I am
writing this down after the fact], but my question is,
why do animals get half way across then stop and stare
at you, Bambi move you fool, SMACK, BANG to late, [oh
look there is where I was going, and there is where I
have been, there is where is was going again, and
there is have been again, WEEEEEEE you can spin a car
in these conditions approx 8 times.
I hope Bambi is alright, whoops no I don't think Bambi
is moving. Man can a 40lb animal make a dent or what,
[car driveable check], will send photo soon, don't
show the kids, [seeing a damaged car like that is so
traumatic]. Pip 1 Deer 0. Car rental company not at
all upset happens all the time. Insurance Co 1 Pip 0.
Great, another airport, "when do we board", 6.35pm "Ok
thanks". 6.40pm oh look surprise surprise there's no
plane at our gate, attention all passengers on flight
blar blar blar to Toronto there is a slight delay,
[you think]? As there is no plane at our gate and we
are the only f....ing people in the airport that we
need to have 10 messages attention all passengers on
flight blar blar blar to Toronto there is a further
delay. Oh goodie lets have a drink, what do you mean
the bar closes at 7.30pm, what the hell
kind of place is this. Anyway get back to Toronto with
a very smooth flight, albeit 1am. Oh well that's
business life for you.
Well there you have it, a small insight into Toronto
Pips excellent business adventure to Saskatchewan
region, to its capital Regina and Saskatoon. What a
great name.
Bye for now.
Toronto Pip
Monday, January 30, 2006
Did I tell you about the girl I met in Regina......January 30 2006
Crikey Its Toronto Pip with his trusty, oh no it's a
business trip so am on my todd.
Welcome to "the business trip that is".
Haven't had time for "the week that was" of late so
you are just going to have to put up with this short
and sweet rendition of my latest business trip.
I was sitting at Toronto airport Sunday afternoon
working out how many planes I have been on, how many
hotels I have stayed in, how many rental f...ing cars
I have hired [and were the hell am I going this time]
and wondered to myself what the hell is it all about,
way are we here, did we evolve [some of my friends
proof we did] shit that was a bit heavy, lets digress
to my trip before I get all teary eyed.
Take of 4pm to Saskatchewan, NO it was delayed out of
Saskatchewan as there was a blizzard. Take of at 7pm
NO, as we had to wait in line to be sprayed with fluid
to de-ice. Take of at 7.30 NO, we now had to wait in a
cue for 30 Min's before take off. At least I going
back in time if you know what I mean. Who ever said
travel was glamours needs a kick up the jacksy.
Flight to Sas very smooth, not so with the landing as
we had to fly through high winds [and that was just
from my pants], through a blizzard, as I was looking
out window to see were the runway was we hit, bounced,
hit, bounced, hit, bounced, hit and stopped bouncing,
[it was like watching the women's final at Melbourne,
I mean the young lady sitting next to me breast's were
doing a fantastic impersonation]. I was just starting
to get excited when the bloody pilot decided to slam
the plane into a skid, hit full reverse and brakes at
the same time so my last vision was not of a wonderful
pair of firm knocker's getting back to a normal sway
but the f...ing tray in the upright position smacking
me in the nose. To top it off the nob up the front [I
mean the pilot] announced welcome to Regina [which
sounds like va.... and his landing nearly gave me
angina]. Its a crisp -11 with wind chills of -20. Oh
great I forgot my battery operated heated long johns
and my hat. Into another Hotel to find the bar under
construction and the restaurant closed, great.
Any way I have a days work in Regina, and then up to
Saskatoon for another day, that will be great as its
-20 with wind chill of - f..k its cold. I will keep
you informed of my first real drive into the
wilderness, at the counter of the rental car company,
will you be taking the insurance option sir, "hell
yes, and can I have the red mustang I haven't bent one
of those?, Yet!
Catch you soon
Love to all
Toronto Schumaker Pip
business trip so am on my todd.
Welcome to "the business trip that is".
Haven't had time for "the week that was" of late so
you are just going to have to put up with this short
and sweet rendition of my latest business trip.
I was sitting at Toronto airport Sunday afternoon
working out how many planes I have been on, how many
hotels I have stayed in, how many rental f...ing cars
I have hired [and were the hell am I going this time]
and wondered to myself what the hell is it all about,
way are we here, did we evolve [some of my friends
proof we did] shit that was a bit heavy, lets digress
to my trip before I get all teary eyed.
Take of 4pm to Saskatchewan, NO it was delayed out of
Saskatchewan as there was a blizzard. Take of at 7pm
NO, as we had to wait in line to be sprayed with fluid
to de-ice. Take of at 7.30 NO, we now had to wait in a
cue for 30 Min's before take off. At least I going
back in time if you know what I mean. Who ever said
travel was glamours needs a kick up the jacksy.
Flight to Sas very smooth, not so with the landing as
we had to fly through high winds [and that was just
from my pants], through a blizzard, as I was looking
out window to see were the runway was we hit, bounced,
hit, bounced, hit, bounced, hit and stopped bouncing,
[it was like watching the women's final at Melbourne,
I mean the young lady sitting next to me breast's were
doing a fantastic impersonation]. I was just starting
to get excited when the bloody pilot decided to slam
the plane into a skid, hit full reverse and brakes at
the same time so my last vision was not of a wonderful
pair of firm knocker's getting back to a normal sway
but the f...ing tray in the upright position smacking
me in the nose. To top it off the nob up the front [I
mean the pilot] announced welcome to Regina [which
sounds like va.... and his landing nearly gave me
angina]. Its a crisp -11 with wind chills of -20. Oh
great I forgot my battery operated heated long johns
and my hat. Into another Hotel to find the bar under
construction and the restaurant closed, great.
Any way I have a days work in Regina, and then up to
Saskatoon for another day, that will be great as its
-20 with wind chill of - f..k its cold. I will keep
you informed of my first real drive into the
wilderness, at the counter of the rental car company,
will you be taking the insurance option sir, "hell
yes, and can I have the red mustang I haven't bent one
of those?, Yet!
Catch you soon
Love to all
Toronto Schumaker Pip
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
New York on my Mind: January 25 2006
Kia ora to all back home in NZ,
It is I Toronto Pip, no I mean NYPD (New York Pip
Dept), oh I have no idea who I am.
Currently I am commuting to New York every week from
Toronto. So it is down on Monday morn & back Friday
evening, as you can guess the "banshee" is not overly
happy with these arrangements... I can assure you it
is not such a great arrangement for me either...not
enough jiggy jiggy.
Here is last weeks flying adventure...
Limo picks me up at 4am (yes limo, or town car as they
call them up here) the early hour due to the fact that
it is an international flight. Check in, no luggage
only carry on. Sit in seat at 6.15am, taxi out while
looking at snow storm dumping about 6 inches of snow
on the wing??? We de-ice which takes about 15 Min's,
then taxi to take off, pilot not happy so back to
gate...Back out to de-ice at 7.45am, this time there
is a queue, wait another 30Min's...De-ice and taxi to
join a 20min queue...Pilot announces that flight has
been cancelled due to ice rain and the plane is not
rated for flying in ice-rain. In many ways this is
rather comforting...We de-plane & there is the normal
stampede to the gate to re-book. We seasoned
traveller's stay in our seats and hit the Continental
re-dial button and re-book on the 10.30 flight with
which we are told to go to gate 9 to collect boarding
passes, 75 people do not go into 40 seats. Stroll up
to the gate and wait patiently at back of queue. They
announce that flight is full, however could Pip Wood,
John Smith etc etc please come and collect their
boarding passes. The looks we get are hostile to say
the least...Finally we take off...have 25Min's of
horrendous turbulence and arrive in Newark at 2.14pm.
Friday, limo picks me up at 5.15pm to drive to
airport, big queues as it is Friday, 8.15pm flight
back to Toronto...it starts to snow horizontally...we
board as per usual and push back on time at 8pm...taxi
out to be de-iced, with pilot saying we are on time
and will be taking off shortly after this
process...then announces that we are 39th in the
queue...2 hrs later we de-ice...taxi...and take
off...arrive in Toronto at 12.30am Sat...oh the joys
of living the life of an international business
person.
This week I chose to travel to Washington DC where I
had 2 important meetings. One was with the govt
contract dept...once you get in here and are on the
list...it means every project that is a govt funded
one...your product is specified automatically.
The next meeting was at the FBI headquarters in
DC...of course I was there on the day that George Baby
was having his State of The Nation speech...everybody
in law enforcement was on high alert...we were
visiting a very high tech area that was
CLASSIFIED...our product has been installed because of
its anti-static qualities...it was an experience...we
were x-rayed twice (this only showed up my hand
gun)...patted down twice (I pretend to enjoy that a
little to much)...no cell phones or any electronic
devices (what I can't use my spy camera in here)...I
tried to get on one of the computers to see what dirt
they had on me but alas I failed...as soon as you move
from where you are supposed to be someone in a blue
suit appears from no where...I wasn't even able to
keep my FBI visitors pass...When we left the building
I couldn't help but say "he's got a gun" loudly just
to get a reaction... apparently they don't fall for
that one anymore...
I was deposited on the pavement by two guys in blue
suits...what is it with the FBI and blue suits...
Oh god it's Super Bowl in a few weeks...I had to endue
a semi-final the other night...what a stupid game...it
takes 3 hrs to play a game of 4 x 20min
quarters...There was a game of rugby also playing but
trying to explain how real men play sport to this lot
is a waste of time...when the rugby game had finished
they were just finishing the 2nd quarter???
"The She Devil" is of to Paris next week...poor her
eh...we have a friend Robert who takes an apartment
there every year so she can stay for free...his boy
friend (hence Julie going to stay in Paris with our
friend Robert) Gerard is a fantastic & becoming well
known artist...so it gets me out of having to go there
and look at museum's/art galleries & old
buildings...all I want to do is chase French Skirt
(probably why I haven't been invited)...so she can
titter around look at art and fashion with two guys
who understand tittering about looking at art and
fashion...
Montreal (soon to be Manhattan) McGregor will have
some quality time with his dad...when I come down here
to NY he will have to join me...
That's all for now...I will be back soon as I have a
few more tales to tell...
NYPD Pip
Over and out.
It is I Toronto Pip, no I mean NYPD (New York Pip
Dept), oh I have no idea who I am.
Currently I am commuting to New York every week from
Toronto. So it is down on Monday morn & back Friday
evening, as you can guess the "banshee" is not overly
happy with these arrangements... I can assure you it
is not such a great arrangement for me either...not
enough jiggy jiggy.
Here is last weeks flying adventure...
Limo picks me up at 4am (yes limo, or town car as they
call them up here) the early hour due to the fact that
it is an international flight. Check in, no luggage
only carry on. Sit in seat at 6.15am, taxi out while
looking at snow storm dumping about 6 inches of snow
on the wing??? We de-ice which takes about 15 Min's,
then taxi to take off, pilot not happy so back to
gate...Back out to de-ice at 7.45am, this time there
is a queue, wait another 30Min's...De-ice and taxi to
join a 20min queue...Pilot announces that flight has
been cancelled due to ice rain and the plane is not
rated for flying in ice-rain. In many ways this is
rather comforting...We de-plane & there is the normal
stampede to the gate to re-book. We seasoned
traveller's stay in our seats and hit the Continental
re-dial button and re-book on the 10.30 flight with
which we are told to go to gate 9 to collect boarding
passes, 75 people do not go into 40 seats. Stroll up
to the gate and wait patiently at back of queue. They
announce that flight is full, however could Pip Wood,
John Smith etc etc please come and collect their
boarding passes. The looks we get are hostile to say
the least...Finally we take off...have 25Min's of
horrendous turbulence and arrive in Newark at 2.14pm.
Friday, limo picks me up at 5.15pm to drive to
airport, big queues as it is Friday, 8.15pm flight
back to Toronto...it starts to snow horizontally...we
board as per usual and push back on time at 8pm...taxi
out to be de-iced, with pilot saying we are on time
and will be taking off shortly after this
process...then announces that we are 39th in the
queue...2 hrs later we de-ice...taxi...and take
off...arrive in Toronto at 12.30am Sat...oh the joys
of living the life of an international business
person.
This week I chose to travel to Washington DC where I
had 2 important meetings. One was with the govt
contract dept...once you get in here and are on the
list...it means every project that is a govt funded
one...your product is specified automatically.
The next meeting was at the FBI headquarters in
DC...of course I was there on the day that George Baby
was having his State of The Nation speech...everybody
in law enforcement was on high alert...we were
visiting a very high tech area that was
CLASSIFIED...our product has been installed because of
its anti-static qualities...it was an experience...we
were x-rayed twice (this only showed up my hand
gun)...patted down twice (I pretend to enjoy that a
little to much)...no cell phones or any electronic
devices (what I can't use my spy camera in here)...I
tried to get on one of the computers to see what dirt
they had on me but alas I failed...as soon as you move
from where you are supposed to be someone in a blue
suit appears from no where...I wasn't even able to
keep my FBI visitors pass...When we left the building
I couldn't help but say "he's got a gun" loudly just
to get a reaction... apparently they don't fall for
that one anymore...
I was deposited on the pavement by two guys in blue
suits...what is it with the FBI and blue suits...
Oh god it's Super Bowl in a few weeks...I had to endue
a semi-final the other night...what a stupid game...it
takes 3 hrs to play a game of 4 x 20min
quarters...There was a game of rugby also playing but
trying to explain how real men play sport to this lot
is a waste of time...when the rugby game had finished
they were just finishing the 2nd quarter???
"The She Devil" is of to Paris next week...poor her
eh...we have a friend Robert who takes an apartment
there every year so she can stay for free...his boy
friend (hence Julie going to stay in Paris with our
friend Robert) Gerard is a fantastic & becoming well
known artist...so it gets me out of having to go there
and look at museum's/art galleries & old
buildings...all I want to do is chase French Skirt
(probably why I haven't been invited)...so she can
titter around look at art and fashion with two guys
who understand tittering about looking at art and
fashion...
Montreal (soon to be Manhattan) McGregor will have
some quality time with his dad...when I come down here
to NY he will have to join me...
That's all for now...I will be back soon as I have a
few more tales to tell...
NYPD Pip
Over and out.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
The Christmas Message: December 21 2005
Tena ia tangate, Harahoa Kirihmete.
Hi all, Merry Christmas.
Welcome to "the week that was" an enthralling,
enlightening, whimsical, riveting, often profound,
never boring, not at all lacking, totally absorbing
tales & tribulations of the goings on of Toronto Pip &
his Trusty [often gusty, always dusty, occasionally
crusty, mostly musty & of course my favourite big &
BUSTY] side kick Mississauga Juju.
Well Xmas is upon us and isn't it grand. You would not
believe the trees with decorations, the lights the
displays, bloody fantastic. You think shopping in
Auckland is hectic wait until you get to a mall where
there are 200,000 people doing it all in one place at
one time [shopping that is, I thought it was for the
other reason and turned up in hope, should have worn
more clothes]. I tell you it is quite a sight.
Needless to say I only went to look, Juju is getting a
wonderful gift from the dollar shop, hope she likes
it. [When I met Ju I knew I had meet Mrs Right, and
nothings changed, however no one warned me her first
name was always]?
We will of course be having a white Xmas, there is
snow on the ground and more today and over the next
few days as well. We will be skiing on boxing day
hehe, or should I say Ju will be skiing I will be
sliding and probably end up sliding down to one of the
numerous bars that you can ski/slide to, what a place.
[Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
women's sex drive by 90%, its called a "Wedding
Cake"]?
Xmas day we are not really getting to excited about as
it will be just us two and McGregor. I am going to
serve Xmas lunch to the homeless as I think this would
be a real enlightening experience, its not the needy
its the street people [card board box dwellers]. So
will be quite an experience.
For dinner we are not going traditional, we are going
to have lobster and duck. Although, and get this for
over the top. I was watching the cooking programs last
night and this chef cut his turkey down the middle,
then cut a duck down the middle, then put a chicken
inside the duck and the duck in the turkey, all had
been individually stuffed etc. Hows that for a
different over the top take on three birds at
Christmas. [wish I was having three birds for
Christmas]
After Christmas we are going down to New York for 5
days, we have luckily been offered an apartment to
stay in, which in New York is a real offer. So Juju is
sorting out HER itinerary and I will as usual follow
along. I hope there's a Hooters in New York, don't
want any of those namby pamby Manhattan pouring bars,
with stupid pretty people everywhere. Ju has even
threatened to hide my shorts which I insist on wearing
even in the snow.
I have had a few side-ways looks by the locals as they
cannot believe that anyone would take the dog out for
a walk bare foot in shorts and a t-shirt when its
snowing and minus 6 degrees. They all think that New
Zealand is obviously closer to the south pole than
they originally thought. They do not believe that it
has never snowed in Auckland and that we have mild not
cold winters. I just tell them to harden up [which
gets the gay boys all excited] and that it isn't that
bad.
Tried to get to Montreal for business on Thursday last
week, however they had 30cm in 2 hours with a 48 hour
spread adding another 60cm. So needless to say
Montreal was crippled, and had more snow in 48 hours
than Turoa/Whakapapa get in a whole season.
Just to lighten the mood, I went to visit a friend in
hospital the other day, I asked him what had happened.
He said his wife was complaining that her breasts were
to small, so he told her to stand in front of the
mirror and rub toilet paper on them and over the years
her breasts would become bigger. When she enquired if
this would truly make her breasts bigger he responded,
"well it worked for your arse didn't it".
Needless to say he was lucky I wasn't visiting him in
the morgue.
I went to a zoo the other day,
When I got there, there was only a dog,
It was a SHIATSU.
In the beginning God created the earth, then rested.
Then he created Man, and rested.
Then he created Woman?
Since then, neither God nor Man has ever rested.
Twelve Days Of Christmas
Pips "Redneck" version
On the twelve day of xmas my women gave to me,
a 12-pack of Bud,
11 maple leaf tickets,
10 Hooters Women,
9 years probation,
8 lap dancers,
7 packs of jerky,
6 cans of spaghetti,
5 flannel shirts,
4 ice tires,
3 pack of condoms,
2 nights of jigy,
and 56" flat screen TV.
CHEERS TO ALL,[IF IN DOUBT DRINK MORE]
WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST
AND HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.
LOVE TO ALL
TORONTO PIP
Hi all, Merry Christmas.
Welcome to "the week that was" an enthralling,
enlightening, whimsical, riveting, often profound,
never boring, not at all lacking, totally absorbing
tales & tribulations of the goings on of Toronto Pip &
his Trusty [often gusty, always dusty, occasionally
crusty, mostly musty & of course my favourite big &
BUSTY] side kick Mississauga Juju.
Well Xmas is upon us and isn't it grand. You would not
believe the trees with decorations, the lights the
displays, bloody fantastic. You think shopping in
Auckland is hectic wait until you get to a mall where
there are 200,000 people doing it all in one place at
one time [shopping that is, I thought it was for the
other reason and turned up in hope, should have worn
more clothes]. I tell you it is quite a sight.
Needless to say I only went to look, Juju is getting a
wonderful gift from the dollar shop, hope she likes
it. [When I met Ju I knew I had meet Mrs Right, and
nothings changed, however no one warned me her first
name was always]?
We will of course be having a white Xmas, there is
snow on the ground and more today and over the next
few days as well. We will be skiing on boxing day
hehe, or should I say Ju will be skiing I will be
sliding and probably end up sliding down to one of the
numerous bars that you can ski/slide to, what a place.
[Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
women's sex drive by 90%, its called a "Wedding
Cake"]?
Xmas day we are not really getting to excited about as
it will be just us two and McGregor. I am going to
serve Xmas lunch to the homeless as I think this would
be a real enlightening experience, its not the needy
its the street people [card board box dwellers]. So
will be quite an experience.
For dinner we are not going traditional, we are going
to have lobster and duck. Although, and get this for
over the top. I was watching the cooking programs last
night and this chef cut his turkey down the middle,
then cut a duck down the middle, then put a chicken
inside the duck and the duck in the turkey, all had
been individually stuffed etc. Hows that for a
different over the top take on three birds at
Christmas. [wish I was having three birds for
Christmas]
After Christmas we are going down to New York for 5
days, we have luckily been offered an apartment to
stay in, which in New York is a real offer. So Juju is
sorting out HER itinerary and I will as usual follow
along. I hope there's a Hooters in New York, don't
want any of those namby pamby Manhattan pouring bars,
with stupid pretty people everywhere. Ju has even
threatened to hide my shorts which I insist on wearing
even in the snow.
I have had a few side-ways looks by the locals as they
cannot believe that anyone would take the dog out for
a walk bare foot in shorts and a t-shirt when its
snowing and minus 6 degrees. They all think that New
Zealand is obviously closer to the south pole than
they originally thought. They do not believe that it
has never snowed in Auckland and that we have mild not
cold winters. I just tell them to harden up [which
gets the gay boys all excited] and that it isn't that
bad.
Tried to get to Montreal for business on Thursday last
week, however they had 30cm in 2 hours with a 48 hour
spread adding another 60cm. So needless to say
Montreal was crippled, and had more snow in 48 hours
than Turoa/Whakapapa get in a whole season.
Just to lighten the mood, I went to visit a friend in
hospital the other day, I asked him what had happened.
He said his wife was complaining that her breasts were
to small, so he told her to stand in front of the
mirror and rub toilet paper on them and over the years
her breasts would become bigger. When she enquired if
this would truly make her breasts bigger he responded,
"well it worked for your arse didn't it".
Needless to say he was lucky I wasn't visiting him in
the morgue.
I went to a zoo the other day,
When I got there, there was only a dog,
It was a SHIATSU.
In the beginning God created the earth, then rested.
Then he created Man, and rested.
Then he created Woman?
Since then, neither God nor Man has ever rested.
Twelve Days Of Christmas
Pips "Redneck" version
On the twelve day of xmas my women gave to me,
a 12-pack of Bud,
11 maple leaf tickets,
10 Hooters Women,
9 years probation,
8 lap dancers,
7 packs of jerky,
6 cans of spaghetti,
5 flannel shirts,
4 ice tires,
3 pack of condoms,
2 nights of jigy,
and 56" flat screen TV.
CHEERS TO ALL,[IF IN DOUBT DRINK MORE]
WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST
AND HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.
LOVE TO ALL
TORONTO PIP
Sunday, November 6, 2005
Juju goes to work and other rare phenomenon: November 6 2005
Hi To All in Kiwiland,
Welcome to "the week that was" another enthrallingepisode of the goings on of Toronto Pip and his Trusty sidekick [or should that be gusty, use your imagination] Mississauga Juju.
I have come to the realisation that although my weekly jejune missives are worthy of a Pulitzer prize no one wants to read a novel [or has the time to] which is sad really as I believe some are taking it all a bit to seriously [life that is]. That's enough about that.
Anyhow, I spent last week working in Vancouver and Victoria Island. It was great, it rained the whole time and was very much like home [weather wise]. I also meet an Australian couple [oldies in there 50's] who were in the process of starting up a brewery. Unfortunately they had son's not daughters, so my dream of living out a Rodney Rude song went up in smoke. You know the one, " Do you ???? on first dates", "Does your dad own brewery", "can I feel your t?ts or will you show em to me". That will get Mum
going so I'll end it there. It was a good weeks work, very fulfilling.
Julie is working [you can pick yourself up now] in a cook book shop, of course as only Juju can, it is the one that is a Toronto Icon that everybody knows. Its not uncommon for people to come in and spend $1000 on cook books. The shop also hosts book launches and all the Canadian chefs frequent the shop looking for inspiration [so I turn up regularily]. I of course have been there on the odd occasion so I have told a few of them how to roast a joint, yes roast not smoke [never been much into that], unlike some of you??? [you know who you are].
Anyway that's enough for now, as I know you will all be shutting off.
One other thing, as you may be aware we live in an area in Toronto that is between the flash part and the gay part of Toronto. I was playing pool with some of the locals, in this case girls [I think you call them lesbians], who laughed their t??s off with my gay dinosaurs joke. The one where archaeologists find bones of obvious gay dino's, so they named the male one megasorearse & the female one licalotapus?
Where was I heading with this. Oh yes anyway these girls know Helen Clark [if you know what I mean, one has had an audience with her] they can't understand why she just doesn't admit it.
I was on the train the other day, and in the car with me was an Australian bloke, a hot Canadian blond, and an old lady. We went through a tunnel and in the dark there was a loud smack. When back in the light the Australian had a red mark on his face. So the old lady thought that in the tunnel the Australian had groped the blond, so she had hit him. The blond thought that in the dark the Australian had tried to grope her, missed and got the old lady who promptly smacked him. The Australian thought that in the dark I had groped
the blond she had tried to hit me, missed and got him.
All I can say, is, I hope another tunnel comes soon so I can smack the Australian again.
Love to all,
Toronto Pip.
Welcome to "the week that was" another enthrallingepisode of the goings on of Toronto Pip and his Trusty sidekick [or should that be gusty, use your imagination] Mississauga Juju.
I have come to the realisation that although my weekly jejune missives are worthy of a Pulitzer prize no one wants to read a novel [or has the time to] which is sad really as I believe some are taking it all a bit to seriously [life that is]. That's enough about that.
Anyhow, I spent last week working in Vancouver and Victoria Island. It was great, it rained the whole time and was very much like home [weather wise]. I also meet an Australian couple [oldies in there 50's] who were in the process of starting up a brewery. Unfortunately they had son's not daughters, so my dream of living out a Rodney Rude song went up in smoke. You know the one, " Do you ???? on first dates", "Does your dad own brewery", "can I feel your t?ts or will you show em to me". That will get Mum
going so I'll end it there. It was a good weeks work, very fulfilling.
Julie is working [you can pick yourself up now] in a cook book shop, of course as only Juju can, it is the one that is a Toronto Icon that everybody knows. Its not uncommon for people to come in and spend $1000 on cook books. The shop also hosts book launches and all the Canadian chefs frequent the shop looking for inspiration [so I turn up regularily]. I of course have been there on the odd occasion so I have told a few of them how to roast a joint, yes roast not smoke [never been much into that], unlike some of you??? [you know who you are].
Anyway that's enough for now, as I know you will all be shutting off.
One other thing, as you may be aware we live in an area in Toronto that is between the flash part and the gay part of Toronto. I was playing pool with some of the locals, in this case girls [I think you call them lesbians], who laughed their t??s off with my gay dinosaurs joke. The one where archaeologists find bones of obvious gay dino's, so they named the male one megasorearse & the female one licalotapus?
Where was I heading with this. Oh yes anyway these girls know Helen Clark [if you know what I mean, one has had an audience with her] they can't understand why she just doesn't admit it.
I was on the train the other day, and in the car with me was an Australian bloke, a hot Canadian blond, and an old lady. We went through a tunnel and in the dark there was a loud smack. When back in the light the Australian had a red mark on his face. So the old lady thought that in the tunnel the Australian had groped the blond, so she had hit him. The blond thought that in the dark the Australian had tried to grope her, missed and got the old lady who promptly smacked him. The Australian thought that in the dark I had groped
the blond she had tried to hit me, missed and got him.
All I can say, is, I hope another tunnel comes soon so I can smack the Australian again.
Love to all,
Toronto Pip.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Hooters and Bill Clinton (a match made in heaven) October 25 2005
Hi To All,
Welcome to "The Week That Was" an enlightening capture
of the goings on of Toronto Pip and his Trusty
(although sometimes dusty sidekick)Mississauga Juju.
As you may be aware I have had some trouble with
writers block, however I am back with vengeance and
some off you may think that my latest jejune missive
is absolute diatribe garbage. But here it is anyway,
and I don't want negative responses questioning the
banality of its contents only being surpassed by the
egregious form of my writing. Wow what a start. Crikey
some of you may need to get the dictionary out for
this one.
Its been good up here and there has been a bit going
on. We had Bill Clinton come into town, quite frankly
the man looks unwell. It does not change the fact that
he still swoons all the girls and does have the
amazing characteristic that is charisma. He
unfortunately declined my offer of a quick pint and a
cigar in the local as he had other arrangements that
were apparently more important. I may have crossed the
line with the cigar and incest comment, I did not have
sexual relations with my relative, I mean I did not
have a sexual relationship with my, alas it was too
late the damage was done and he was gone.
Gondola (yes I know it's a Venetian boat) Rice or what
ever her name is, is also in town, she has the
enviable job of discussing the North American soft
wood issue (maybe they should have sent Bill to do
this one, he has no trouble with soft wood). Anyway
she disagrees with Canada on this one.
It has got cold here, one thing you can rely on is the
weather man, unlike at home in NZ when they say its
going to happen, 97.5% of the time it does. We are
swinging (not literally) between 3 & 8 degrees and we
have been told to expect some snow this weekend. I am
going to celebrate by having a swim in the lake. I
will have to time this right as it is dark at 6pm and
not light again until 7.30am and I would hate to be
ravaged by a marauding salmon or randy bass.
You know when winter is her, the ads go from jet-skis
to snowmobiles overnight. Invitations read bring
firewood, whisky, bear repellent, rifle, skis,
snowmobile optional.
The trees are red,
The grass is dead,
I wonder where the bears is.
The wind is cold,
The moose are bold,
My wife is old.
I think I'll stick to writing the week that was
instead.
We went line dancing and two stepping the other night,
its actually not bad, although the country music does
grind on you. It all went well, but understandably
with all the gay boys in our community there was a
large shortage of females. So the inevitable happened,
I was asked to dance. It was fine as I am at one with
my sexuality, however we had issues as we both
insisted on leading (apparently he is the boy in his
relationship also), it made for some interesting steps
on the dance floor.
Now you are going to have to read my views on the
outcome of NZ's election. Mainly the Auckland
situation which can be seen as an overview of the
country??
Its called "every vote would count"
This election over 90% of us raised off our respective
bums and voted, unfortunately voting in a collective
of bums as well.
But hey that's your right, and if you want a result,
really really want a result then mouthing off at the
dinner party won't cut it.
National pushed hard and did well with the party vote
and very nearly came through. But all through South
Auckland the Maori party were busy enrolling first
time voters with the instruction to vote for the Maori
electorate candidate and give your party vote to
Labour. Nearly Labours down fall. Meantime the Labour
party were very busy working the Islander vote in the
same areas (many Pacificas were hostile to much of
Labours pro gay legislation, I say harden up you guys,
are you forgetting your Fa'a'fafine. But that was
enough for a labour lead coalition. Meanwhile Rodney
Hide mobilised a team of Chinese who got their vote
out and nearly 7000 of the little guys (there taking
over the world you know) and voted for act in Epsom.
The very clear moral here is that Auckland is only the
most ethnically driven city, but not the only one.
Winston gets foreign affairs (god help us), but Not
Trade, (thank god). On the other hand Helen baby will
still write all his scripts so I don't think we'll be
declaring any wars. And it may be that Helen is
getting in a bit of succession planning. Dissent is
not allowed in her presence (your little red books
will be turning up soon). But what happens if Doc
Cullen gets hit by a bus? She knows full well that
most of her caucus couldn't read a bank statement
never mind a balance sheet, as well as the fall out
from the flawed legislation driven by Margaret Wilson
still shows great damage potential.
BUT we have a government with neither Green nor Maori
Party in Cabinet (ye ha), so pass the Pinot Noir and
lets have a drink and plot.
Juju got bored on Sunday and dragged me out into the
cold and decided she wanted to go to "Hooters" for
lunch, Yes Hooters, I can honestly say I had nothing
to do with this, not even planting the seed. We were
served by Tasha a wonderful young lady with great
personal-titty. We watched the games, yes games, there
were five on the go. I must admit I had difficulty
concentrating.
The ice hockey is in full swing and they deserve to
wear pads, they play 2 to 3 times a week and get
smacked up pretty bad.
The American Football is different its an absolute
waste of time. They take two hours to get around 10
Min's of actual ball in play time. Needless to say I
have no interest in this game and have no problem
telling them to harden up and get involved in a real
game.
Well that's all been pretty tame so I better add some
rudeness so that mum will have something to be
embarrassed about. So here goes.
A new friend of mine up here is 58, divorced and has
had the snip (vasectomy for you slow ones). He meet
this fantastic 20 year old and has married her. He
goes to the Doc and says,
"Hey since I saw you last I have a new wife, she is 20
and you won't believe it she is pregnant". "What do
you think about that"?
The doc considers this for a moment.
He begins "I have a friend who is an avid hunter, one
day he goes into the forest and to his absolute
disbelieve he forgot his ammo". "So to not have a
complete shit of a day he decides to do through the
motions anyway". "He sees this huge beaver, a real
trophy one", "so he raises his gun and pretends to
pull the trigger".
"Suddenly two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
dead, WHAT do you think of that"??
Friend
" I'd say someone else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver"
Doc
"My Point exactly".
Cheers for now
Love to all
Toronto Pip.
Next week I talk All Black selections and the Kyoto
protocol, won't that be exciting.
Welcome to "The Week That Was" an enlightening capture
of the goings on of Toronto Pip and his Trusty
(although sometimes dusty sidekick)Mississauga Juju.
As you may be aware I have had some trouble with
writers block, however I am back with vengeance and
some off you may think that my latest jejune missive
is absolute diatribe garbage. But here it is anyway,
and I don't want negative responses questioning the
banality of its contents only being surpassed by the
egregious form of my writing. Wow what a start. Crikey
some of you may need to get the dictionary out for
this one.
Its been good up here and there has been a bit going
on. We had Bill Clinton come into town, quite frankly
the man looks unwell. It does not change the fact that
he still swoons all the girls and does have the
amazing characteristic that is charisma. He
unfortunately declined my offer of a quick pint and a
cigar in the local as he had other arrangements that
were apparently more important. I may have crossed the
line with the cigar and incest comment, I did not have
sexual relations with my relative, I mean I did not
have a sexual relationship with my, alas it was too
late the damage was done and he was gone.
Gondola (yes I know it's a Venetian boat) Rice or what
ever her name is, is also in town, she has the
enviable job of discussing the North American soft
wood issue (maybe they should have sent Bill to do
this one, he has no trouble with soft wood). Anyway
she disagrees with Canada on this one.
It has got cold here, one thing you can rely on is the
weather man, unlike at home in NZ when they say its
going to happen, 97.5% of the time it does. We are
swinging (not literally) between 3 & 8 degrees and we
have been told to expect some snow this weekend. I am
going to celebrate by having a swim in the lake. I
will have to time this right as it is dark at 6pm and
not light again until 7.30am and I would hate to be
ravaged by a marauding salmon or randy bass.
You know when winter is her, the ads go from jet-skis
to snowmobiles overnight. Invitations read bring
firewood, whisky, bear repellent, rifle, skis,
snowmobile optional.
The trees are red,
The grass is dead,
I wonder where the bears is.
The wind is cold,
The moose are bold,
My wife is old.
I think I'll stick to writing the week that was
instead.
We went line dancing and two stepping the other night,
its actually not bad, although the country music does
grind on you. It all went well, but understandably
with all the gay boys in our community there was a
large shortage of females. So the inevitable happened,
I was asked to dance. It was fine as I am at one with
my sexuality, however we had issues as we both
insisted on leading (apparently he is the boy in his
relationship also), it made for some interesting steps
on the dance floor.
Now you are going to have to read my views on the
outcome of NZ's election. Mainly the Auckland
situation which can be seen as an overview of the
country??
Its called "every vote would count"
This election over 90% of us raised off our respective
bums and voted, unfortunately voting in a collective
of bums as well.
But hey that's your right, and if you want a result,
really really want a result then mouthing off at the
dinner party won't cut it.
National pushed hard and did well with the party vote
and very nearly came through. But all through South
Auckland the Maori party were busy enrolling first
time voters with the instruction to vote for the Maori
electorate candidate and give your party vote to
Labour. Nearly Labours down fall. Meantime the Labour
party were very busy working the Islander vote in the
same areas (many Pacificas were hostile to much of
Labours pro gay legislation, I say harden up you guys,
are you forgetting your Fa'a'fafine. But that was
enough for a labour lead coalition. Meanwhile Rodney
Hide mobilised a team of Chinese who got their vote
out and nearly 7000 of the little guys (there taking
over the world you know) and voted for act in Epsom.
The very clear moral here is that Auckland is only the
most ethnically driven city, but not the only one.
Winston gets foreign affairs (god help us), but Not
Trade, (thank god). On the other hand Helen baby will
still write all his scripts so I don't think we'll be
declaring any wars. And it may be that Helen is
getting in a bit of succession planning. Dissent is
not allowed in her presence (your little red books
will be turning up soon). But what happens if Doc
Cullen gets hit by a bus? She knows full well that
most of her caucus couldn't read a bank statement
never mind a balance sheet, as well as the fall out
from the flawed legislation driven by Margaret Wilson
still shows great damage potential.
BUT we have a government with neither Green nor Maori
Party in Cabinet (ye ha), so pass the Pinot Noir and
lets have a drink and plot.
Juju got bored on Sunday and dragged me out into the
cold and decided she wanted to go to "Hooters" for
lunch, Yes Hooters, I can honestly say I had nothing
to do with this, not even planting the seed. We were
served by Tasha a wonderful young lady with great
personal-titty. We watched the games, yes games, there
were five on the go. I must admit I had difficulty
concentrating.
The ice hockey is in full swing and they deserve to
wear pads, they play 2 to 3 times a week and get
smacked up pretty bad.
The American Football is different its an absolute
waste of time. They take two hours to get around 10
Min's of actual ball in play time. Needless to say I
have no interest in this game and have no problem
telling them to harden up and get involved in a real
game.
Well that's all been pretty tame so I better add some
rudeness so that mum will have something to be
embarrassed about. So here goes.
A new friend of mine up here is 58, divorced and has
had the snip (vasectomy for you slow ones). He meet
this fantastic 20 year old and has married her. He
goes to the Doc and says,
"Hey since I saw you last I have a new wife, she is 20
and you won't believe it she is pregnant". "What do
you think about that"?
The doc considers this for a moment.
He begins "I have a friend who is an avid hunter, one
day he goes into the forest and to his absolute
disbelieve he forgot his ammo". "So to not have a
complete shit of a day he decides to do through the
motions anyway". "He sees this huge beaver, a real
trophy one", "so he raises his gun and pretends to
pull the trigger".
"Suddenly two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
dead, WHAT do you think of that"??
Friend
" I'd say someone else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver"
Doc
"My Point exactly".
Cheers for now
Love to all
Toronto Pip.
Next week I talk All Black selections and the Kyoto
protocol, won't that be exciting.
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