MERRY CHRISTMAS,
WELCOME TO A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
of
TORONTO PIP "THE WEEK THAT WAS" WHICH IS NOW "THE WEEKS THAT WERE".
My latest jejune missive is a whimsical update on Toronto Pip, his trusty side-kick Mississauga Juju and the ever present babe magnet Montreal McGregor. I am a bit tender at present being the time of year so I don't want negative responses questioning the banality of its contents only being surpassed by the egregious form of my writing. [I really must get of the pills, but god bless America and valium sold over the counter].
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas as Bing once said, we'll it would be nice, here I was all set up for skiing on Christmas day and bloody Al Gore goes and does some bloody doco on global warming and f... me if there is no snow in Toronto or greater area. First time in 20 years, and on my bloody watch. [I blame NZ and all the hot air from parliament and of course the sheep & cattle farting]. What a load of s... it has nothing to do with any of that.
So quite frankly I am completely pissed off and am telling everyone who cares to listen. I think a big night on the truth serum is in order.
Not all is lost though as Ju & I have decided to bail from Canada & head to Vermont (Jay Peak) to carve up the mountain as they actually have snow. So we are going to spend 5 days from 26th though 31st. Then we will head to Montreal for New Years and have our dose of the old François? Back to Toronto for some celebrity parties, and a few farewells.
Farwell's I here you say, yes on Jan 15th I set up my New York office, pledge allegiance to the flag & vote republican. No more dealing with conservative Canadians. Ju, Mac & belongings will follow soon after once we find our NY apartment, of course "she who must be obeyed" has requirements, the list is a view of NY skyline, a view of the Hudson river or Central Park, 2 bedrooms (his & hers) a gym & pool. Personally she will be lucky if we don't end up with a no bedroom basement with a view of the local Chinese restaurants dumpster, and the subway going past the window every 1/2 hour. But all good and we are looking forward to the next stage of Toronto Pip, Mississauga Juju & Montreal McGregor’s new adventures in the US of A. Think of the "weeks that were" and stories we will have once there, oh I bet you can't wait. The New York names may be "Jersey Juju", "Manhattan McGregor" "Yonkers Pip" , so stay tuned.
The end of year has been busy with travel etc; I have been doing many day trips to NY which has been quite taxing mentally & physically. Plus the usual Detroit, Salt Lake, Chicago, Cleveland, Buffalo etc so a wee break is going to be fantastic.
I am going to leave it there as you are all obviously so busy that you have forgotten to email me with a Merry Christmas.
Remember to sing along to such songs as
I'm dreaming of a nice mistress
Frosty the Snow Man just melted on the lawn
All I want for Christmas is darn good shag
Grandma got run over by a dairy cow
I saw mummy blowing Santa balloons
Rudolf the Brown Nose Reindeer
Winter Wonder-if-it-will Bloody Snow Soon
&
I'll Be Home for Christmas (but not this year)
Be safe, be kind, be good, be healthy, be having a toast in our absence.
We will be thinking of you all.
Much Love
TORONTO PIP, MISSISSAUGA JUJU & MONTREAL McGREGOR.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Friday, December 1, 2006
Old Relics and New Rellies November 23-24 2006 in Quebec
Rellies and Relics in Quebec.
Our trip to Quebec to discover Dad's grandmothers home.
As we drove out of Toronto into the early afternoon traffic, my slightly injured and suffering husband turned to me and asked...remind me just why we are doing this again?... How could I make sense of my desire to discover the grave of one of my fathers great great grandfathers, and to walk on the land my own great grandmother had as a child. So I muttered something about 'just needing to' and 'I'll never get another opportunity to do this' and stuff like that. Eight hours later we pulled off the highway and drove down the charming streets of Old Quebec then stumbled around the streets searching for our Hotel...enroute and of course we came upon the Montmerency falls lit up in all their pale and rushing glory under a starry sky with the lights of Quebec twinkling back along the river. Pip commented that he'd had no idea Qubec was going to be sooo big!!
Finally after a few lovingly heated words we checked into out thankfully dog friendly hotel in Beauport, polished off a small bottle of Baileys and hit the hay.
.
Clara Plante was baptised at St Laurent ville in 1868, the little church has gone now, replace by a shiny new stone edifice but luckily photos of the old church still remain.
Church where Clara Plante was baptised in St Laurent in the Isle.
Then we headed to town for a trip to Mt Hermon cemetery where after one false start I found the Phillips plot and the graves of William and Henrietta Phillips.
Our trip to Quebec to discover Dad's grandmothers home.
As we drove out of Toronto into the early afternoon traffic, my slightly injured and suffering husband turned to me and asked...remind me just why we are doing this again?... How could I make sense of my desire to discover the grave of one of my fathers great great grandfathers, and to walk on the land my own great grandmother had as a child. So I muttered something about 'just needing to' and 'I'll never get another opportunity to do this' and stuff like that. Eight hours later we pulled off the highway and drove down the charming streets of Old Quebec then stumbled around the streets searching for our Hotel...enroute and of course we came upon the Montmerency falls lit up in all their pale and rushing glory under a starry sky with the lights of Quebec twinkling back along the river. Pip commented that he'd had no idea Qubec was going to be sooo big!!
Finally after a few lovingly heated words we checked into out thankfully dog friendly hotel in Beauport, polished off a small bottle of Baileys and hit the hay.
Evan's home on the Isle
By 9 we were on the road to distant cousin Evan Price's country place on Isle d'Orleans. By some weird and friendly twist of fate Evan , his wife and kids and Evan's mother Muffy Price own one hundred hectares of what would have been in the mid 1800's my great grandmothers family farm....the Plante familystill live all around this property and one Plante cousin Jean-Pierre runs the farm and has been associated with the Price family for 40 years..
Jean Pierre Plante and Julie Wood (nee Phillips), Plante land on Isle d'Orleans,
It was amazing to finally be were this lady who has lately come to be very real to me as I have tried to piece together part of her life story. Clara Plante was baptised at St Laurent ville in 1868, the little church has gone now, replace by a shiny new stone edifice but luckily photos of the old church still remain.
Church where Clara Plante was baptised in St Laurent in the Isle.
We drank a little wine after the farm visit with Muffy in her wonderful old stone house that looks down to the river, Mac played with her little dog so was not left out of this adventure.
Then we headed to town for a trip to Mt Hermon cemetery where after one false start I found the Phillips plot and the graves of William and Henrietta Phillips.
Jancis Robinson at the Barberian Cellar: Friday December 1 2006
:Barberian Steak House at 7 Elm Street TorontoRed Wine Cellar
Just had boozy evening at gorgeous cellar under Barberians Steak House. The Cookbook store hosted celebrated British wine writer and critic Jancis Robinson at an intimate wine tasting for a select group of lucky imbibers. Aaron Barberian's cellar is stunning, Jancis proclaimed it to be one of the top restaurant cellars she'd ever been in. Being a good Kiwi girl I circulated through the crowd talking up New Zealand wines other than Sav Blanc which I'm not at all fond of...its time the rest of the world noticed our Rieslings and Pinot Gris and gorgeous Pinot Noir's.
Jancis gave us a run down on the vagaries of the weather during these
months and briefly commented on climate change and its effect on wines.. Germany, she said, is one area that has benefited from warmer sunnier summers. She touched on the emerging vineyards in Spain, gave us a quick insight into what was happening in China and even mentioned the word fake and wine in same breath. EEk. She didn't want to be drawn into a discussion regarding corks versus screw caps but suggested that somewhere a clever designer must come up something more inspiring. I think I detected a passion for things red and French. Earlier in the day Jancis lunched with an elite group including Alison Fryer of the Cookbook store and they opened a 
bottle of 1951 Chateau Palmer...Alison declared it to be even better than the 1951 Latour...Jancis commented on national radio just an hour after lunch that it was the last great wine she'd tasted.I on the other hand, not quite in that league... had a taste of a fab Bulgarian Tokay the day before at Barberians that will appear on the wine list soon. It was delish.
Julie Wood, Alison, Aaron, Jancis and Jennifer Grange of the Cookbook Store
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Just a short one to keep you interested: Nov 23 2006
Welcome All,
Another week, another adventure.
It can only mean Toronto Pip & his "The Week That Was" with more exciting escapades.
This Week I bought a factory, spent a day in Deroit, another in Buffalo got grilled at the boarder by US immigration, secured the biggest bus manufactuer in North America as a customer & still manged to beat my opponent in the "gay pool league". No wonder I am a tired whisp of a thing these days.
Mississauga Factory:
On Monday I finalised an arrangement to buy a factory that produces flooring accessories, [cove base, stair-nosings etc]. It has been an interesting process to say the least. I have learnt alot about Canadian law, Revenue Canada etc. But the biggest leason of all was from the owner of the company, on how you can completely screw a 60 year old company by not being attentive. They are filling for Chapter 11 [creditors cannot go after you]. Once this has been done we move in and the rest is history. The factory has one customer that alone could keep it operating. So adding our own business alone means it is a no brain-er that it will work.
Detroit:
Yes back in my favourite city, actually I have worked out if I saty downtown it is actually quite quaint with some rather beautiful buildings. We have final approval
Imagine being if I had been beaten by a woman, well at least I think it was a women, yes I think she was one of those lesbeein's. Even in this area there is soo much to learn. You see there are all types, you are not just a lesbian, there are "Lipstick", "Bi", "Dyke" & my favourite "swing both ways".
Another week, another adventure.
It can only mean Toronto Pip & his "The Week That Was" with more exciting escapades.
This Week I bought a factory, spent a day in Deroit, another in Buffalo got grilled at the boarder by US immigration, secured the biggest bus manufactuer in North America as a customer & still manged to beat my opponent in the "gay pool league". No wonder I am a tired whisp of a thing these days.
Mississauga Factory:
On Monday I finalised an arrangement to buy a factory that produces flooring accessories, [cove base, stair-nosings etc]. It has been an interesting process to say the least. I have learnt alot about Canadian law, Revenue Canada etc. But the biggest leason of all was from the owner of the company, on how you can completely screw a 60 year old company by not being attentive. They are filling for Chapter 11 [creditors cannot go after you]. Once this has been done we move in and the rest is history. The factory has one customer that alone could keep it operating. So adding our own business alone means it is a no brain-er that it will work.
Detroit:
Yes back in my favourite city, actually I have worked out if I saty downtown it is actually quite quaint with some rather beautiful buildings. We have final approval
Imagine being if I had been beaten by a woman, well at least I think it was a women, yes I think she was one of those lesbeein's. Even in this area there is soo much to learn. You see there are all types, you are not just a lesbian, there are "Lipstick", "Bi", "Dyke" & my favourite "swing both ways".
Monday, November 20, 2006
Boston, Salt Lake, Arizona and the Gay Pool League: November 20 2006
Hi all in Kiwiland
Welcome to another installation of "the weeks that were". The exciting adventures of Toronto Pip & Montreal McGregor? [Mississauga Juju absent in NZ, for first half of “the weeks that were”].
This instalment consists of business trips, bars, restaurants, police, special forces/swat, rabbis, Mormon's, planes, trains & automobiles, snow, “the gay pool league” & a dislocated shoulder.
Boston: Police, Rabbis, special forces/swat
Arrive in Boston to meet with rep, as per usual the flight is fine, however Boston airport is literally surrounded by the coast so it makes for bumpy, exciting crab like landings just about every occasion. Am picked up by rep and we decide to make the Hyatt Hotel our base as it looks back across the bay to downtown Boston. I explain to the waitress that we will be here for breakfast, lunch & quite possibly dinner as well. After 2.5 hrs we were approached by two policeman wearing jodhpurs, mirror glasses & an attitude [quite common in the states,] I had noticed they were hovering around the hotel which I did think was a bit strange. They enquire as to why we are staying in the restaurant & not moving, my normal witty repartee goes down like a lead balloon in a howling gale (must be the attitude), I asked if the mirror glasses could be removed and a few tense moments later as our fingers twitched on our respective hand guns, the situation is explained and we are free to stay where we are. Some big wig Rabi from Israel was in Boston talking to all the orthodox Jews of the US of A. He declined an audience with Toronto Pip who tried to explain that he has some fine ideas on all things Jewish & that I could organise some holy land in NZ if necessary. All Kosher I said & Shalom to you too.
Next thing we know there was this commotion out side and on the water, I turned to see what was going on and came face to face with a helicopter hovering about 30' from the water, commando's hanging out the side and its rocket launchers and machine guns pointing suspiciously in our direction. There were 5 of these choppers all around the harbour with police boats, coastguard cutters and all sorts going on. Every civilian boat was being boarded and the helicopters were flying over and down in front of those that got to close. TO CLOSE TO WHAT I HERE YOU SAY, all this security was for the delivery of a liquid nitrogen tanker, which apparently is just a floating bomb waiting to happen and would vaporise 2 sq.km. if it went up, and the Americans take this homeland security very seriously you know.
To end this eventful day I went to Cheers Bar which is still in its original place in Boston. I can now officially say I have had a beer at Cheers, disappointing however when I walked in no one called out my name, so is it really the bar were everybody knows your name???
Salt Lake: Mormons, Planes:
Across to Salt Lake City (another plane and of course no direct flight, so it’s Toronto, Detroit, Minnesota, Salt Lake oh the joy of it all) to visit a new OEM customer that I have just got back on board. They produce Jet-Ways for America and world wide. The tentacles that you walk down to the plane on. I arrive in Salt Lake airport to be picked up by a company rep who was mysteriously wearing a uniform? Mr Wood he enquires, yes please follows me. We walk back out onto the tarmac to a waiting private jet. Now I am no idiot and had done my homework and knew that their offices are only 40 miles north of Salt Lake City? Why the plane. It is just me and him so I ask if I can take the co-pilot seat and promised not to push too many buttons. So I say flying time 10 min’s, Yea normally he reply’s but lets take a joy ride over to some place called the Rockies and then back to the office, yea haa?? Meeting goes well and on the return journey the jet was occupied so it was back in the helicopter. Cool thing was is it was a refurbished Bell 47 the same they used in M.A.S.H, very breezy and a bit hairy as you are totally exposed and open, which made they 0 degrees and recent snow all the more exciting.
Briefly looked into the Mormon way of life and came to the conclusion that one wife was headache enough, so why add more. And apart from multiple wife’s it does not have much else to entice me.
Onto my next flight with temperatures just below 0 to fly to Arizona where temperatures were in high 20’s, realise quite quickly that the overcoat, jersey and long johns were not really required and boy I wish I had my golf clubs.
Arizona: Car's, Bars, Planes & Pains (bloody shoulder).
Get to around 11.30am to find that my flight has been cancelled and the next one is not until 11.45pm, oh the joy of it all. So decide to get a rental car to explore Phoenix. I manage to beat Alamo down to $28 for 10 hours, which is not bad. Get my key and am told car is in row 1232 lot 789. Get to this spot after a 15 walk to find a very strange looking vehicle in the slot I have been designated. A Cadillac Escalade, which to those of little car knowledge is an enormous 4 wheel drive that seats about 20 people has 5 TV screens, a microwave, and a blow up doll called Monica (think about it). All this was true up to the microwave. I thought to myself this is ridiculas, I am one person just wanting to have a look around. I head back to the kiosk, "is there a problem" well yes, it just me and at $28 dollars it is a good deal, but I have just driven 1km and already used 1/4 of a tank of gas. Can I have a small car please? So they give me a Chrysler Crossfire, I think great, here I am in Phoenix Arizona for only 8 to 10 hours and they give a convertible chick magnet. All the luck. Have a bit of a look around then back to airport. Straight to the bar, get chatting with all sorts of people, balr blar. Onto the plane for the overnight to Detroit, pilot takes her up to 44,000 feet and hits the high winds up there and peels 1 hour of the flight time. We get our wake up call at 4.30 instead of 5.30. Wake up in agony, right shoulder feeling like it was broken, free it up a bit but pain is quite bad. Change vehicles and head for Toronto.
Toronto: Dislocated Shoulder, Gay Pool League.
Get through the weekend on pain killers and alcohol, when mixed correctly can be quite fun. Go to A&E to find that shoulder is partially dislocated, cool. Dr puts it back in and frankly I would have preferred the pain I was already in, he asks me what the hell I have been doing and all I could come up with was Monica the blow up doll. The down side is that I have quite bad tendon & muscle damage and it has been three weeks with no real improvement and my shoulder droops down noticeably as age gets to me so do other things as well? Some days I have nearly chopped the bloody thing off, my arm that is?
I have joined a pool team and we play in a league of 82 teams of 4 people. Currently we are in 7th place. I am the only straight bloke in the whole league. It is Monday nights and has been hilarious to say the least. Our team is called Cell Bloke Wardens, others have names that are not printable, one that comes to mind is "bum love" & then there is the "bandits" the "botty boys" etc. I want to name a couple of teams after a recent archological discovery, where some scientists have uncovered gay dinosaus. The male is called megasorass and the female lickalotapuss. I have put these names into the hat but no one has taken them up.
Mississauga Juju returns from Aoteoroa (bugger):
Juju arrives home from NZ, all is good and she had a great time as some of you are aware. So life back to normal. Well as normal as it can be while being married to me. Mac & I keep our distance for a few days just to make sure tolerance levels are within normal female range. I obviously weakened by pain killers pushed a bit hard on day three and things really got back to normal as I am given a good talking too, I make things worse by saying that I have been naughty and should be spanked.
Apart from that all is well, winter on the way temperatures below 5 and we are getting small snow flurries, so bring on the snow I say.
Next week in Detroit, then Thur/Fri is Thanks Giving. Following week Chicago, Wisconson & Minisotta.
So cheers to all,
Toronto Pip
Welcome to another installation of "the weeks that were". The exciting adventures of Toronto Pip & Montreal McGregor? [Mississauga Juju absent in NZ, for first half of “the weeks that were”].
This instalment consists of business trips, bars, restaurants, police, special forces/swat, rabbis, Mormon's, planes, trains & automobiles, snow, “the gay pool league” & a dislocated shoulder.
Boston: Police, Rabbis, special forces/swat
Arrive in Boston to meet with rep, as per usual the flight is fine, however Boston airport is literally surrounded by the coast so it makes for bumpy, exciting crab like landings just about every occasion. Am picked up by rep and we decide to make the Hyatt Hotel our base as it looks back across the bay to downtown Boston. I explain to the waitress that we will be here for breakfast, lunch & quite possibly dinner as well. After 2.5 hrs we were approached by two policeman wearing jodhpurs, mirror glasses & an attitude [quite common in the states,] I had noticed they were hovering around the hotel which I did think was a bit strange. They enquire as to why we are staying in the restaurant & not moving, my normal witty repartee goes down like a lead balloon in a howling gale (must be the attitude), I asked if the mirror glasses could be removed and a few tense moments later as our fingers twitched on our respective hand guns, the situation is explained and we are free to stay where we are. Some big wig Rabi from Israel was in Boston talking to all the orthodox Jews of the US of A. He declined an audience with Toronto Pip who tried to explain that he has some fine ideas on all things Jewish & that I could organise some holy land in NZ if necessary. All Kosher I said & Shalom to you too.
Next thing we know there was this commotion out side and on the water, I turned to see what was going on and came face to face with a helicopter hovering about 30' from the water, commando's hanging out the side and its rocket launchers and machine guns pointing suspiciously in our direction. There were 5 of these choppers all around the harbour with police boats, coastguard cutters and all sorts going on. Every civilian boat was being boarded and the helicopters were flying over and down in front of those that got to close. TO CLOSE TO WHAT I HERE YOU SAY, all this security was for the delivery of a liquid nitrogen tanker, which apparently is just a floating bomb waiting to happen and would vaporise 2 sq.km. if it went up, and the Americans take this homeland security very seriously you know.
To end this eventful day I went to Cheers Bar which is still in its original place in Boston. I can now officially say I have had a beer at Cheers, disappointing however when I walked in no one called out my name, so is it really the bar were everybody knows your name???
Salt Lake: Mormons, Planes:
Across to Salt Lake City (another plane and of course no direct flight, so it’s Toronto, Detroit, Minnesota, Salt Lake oh the joy of it all) to visit a new OEM customer that I have just got back on board. They produce Jet-Ways for America and world wide. The tentacles that you walk down to the plane on. I arrive in Salt Lake airport to be picked up by a company rep who was mysteriously wearing a uniform? Mr Wood he enquires, yes please follows me. We walk back out onto the tarmac to a waiting private jet. Now I am no idiot and had done my homework and knew that their offices are only 40 miles north of Salt Lake City? Why the plane. It is just me and him so I ask if I can take the co-pilot seat and promised not to push too many buttons. So I say flying time 10 min’s, Yea normally he reply’s but lets take a joy ride over to some place called the Rockies and then back to the office, yea haa?? Meeting goes well and on the return journey the jet was occupied so it was back in the helicopter. Cool thing was is it was a refurbished Bell 47 the same they used in M.A.S.H, very breezy and a bit hairy as you are totally exposed and open, which made they 0 degrees and recent snow all the more exciting.
Briefly looked into the Mormon way of life and came to the conclusion that one wife was headache enough, so why add more. And apart from multiple wife’s it does not have much else to entice me.
Onto my next flight with temperatures just below 0 to fly to Arizona where temperatures were in high 20’s, realise quite quickly that the overcoat, jersey and long johns were not really required and boy I wish I had my golf clubs.
Arizona: Car's, Bars, Planes & Pains (bloody shoulder).
Get to around 11.30am to find that my flight has been cancelled and the next one is not until 11.45pm, oh the joy of it all. So decide to get a rental car to explore Phoenix. I manage to beat Alamo down to $28 for 10 hours, which is not bad. Get my key and am told car is in row 1232 lot 789. Get to this spot after a 15 walk to find a very strange looking vehicle in the slot I have been designated. A Cadillac Escalade, which to those of little car knowledge is an enormous 4 wheel drive that seats about 20 people has 5 TV screens, a microwave, and a blow up doll called Monica (think about it). All this was true up to the microwave. I thought to myself this is ridiculas, I am one person just wanting to have a look around. I head back to the kiosk, "is there a problem" well yes, it just me and at $28 dollars it is a good deal, but I have just driven 1km and already used 1/4 of a tank of gas. Can I have a small car please? So they give me a Chrysler Crossfire, I think great, here I am in Phoenix Arizona for only 8 to 10 hours and they give a convertible chick magnet. All the luck. Have a bit of a look around then back to airport. Straight to the bar, get chatting with all sorts of people, balr blar. Onto the plane for the overnight to Detroit, pilot takes her up to 44,000 feet and hits the high winds up there and peels 1 hour of the flight time. We get our wake up call at 4.30 instead of 5.30. Wake up in agony, right shoulder feeling like it was broken, free it up a bit but pain is quite bad. Change vehicles and head for Toronto.
Toronto: Dislocated Shoulder, Gay Pool League.
Get through the weekend on pain killers and alcohol, when mixed correctly can be quite fun. Go to A&E to find that shoulder is partially dislocated, cool. Dr puts it back in and frankly I would have preferred the pain I was already in, he asks me what the hell I have been doing and all I could come up with was Monica the blow up doll. The down side is that I have quite bad tendon & muscle damage and it has been three weeks with no real improvement and my shoulder droops down noticeably as age gets to me so do other things as well? Some days I have nearly chopped the bloody thing off, my arm that is?
I have joined a pool team and we play in a league of 82 teams of 4 people. Currently we are in 7th place. I am the only straight bloke in the whole league. It is Monday nights and has been hilarious to say the least. Our team is called Cell Bloke Wardens, others have names that are not printable, one that comes to mind is "bum love" & then there is the "bandits" the "botty boys" etc. I want to name a couple of teams after a recent archological discovery, where some scientists have uncovered gay dinosaus. The male is called megasorass and the female lickalotapuss. I have put these names into the hat but no one has taken them up.
Mississauga Juju returns from Aoteoroa (bugger):
Juju arrives home from NZ, all is good and she had a great time as some of you are aware. So life back to normal. Well as normal as it can be while being married to me. Mac & I keep our distance for a few days just to make sure tolerance levels are within normal female range. I obviously weakened by pain killers pushed a bit hard on day three and things really got back to normal as I am given a good talking too, I make things worse by saying that I have been naughty and should be spanked.
Apart from that all is well, winter on the way temperatures below 5 and we are getting small snow flurries, so bring on the snow I say.
Next week in Detroit, then Thur/Fri is Thanks Giving. Following week Chicago, Wisconson & Minisotta.
So cheers to all,
Toronto Pip
Friday, October 27, 2006
The Banshee in NZ, Mac at GM and the World Series: October 27 2006
Hi to all in Aoteoroa, the antipodes, the jewel of the pacific or just good old NZ.
It is I "Toronto Pip" who although has been decidedly quiet, has not for one moment forgotten about you. Albeit I do not feel the same love coming from down under, only from down under the covers? After losing Steve Irwin my mentor then following in quick succession my good friend Peter Perfect, [Juju will miss him more, I think she knew him better than we think??] I lost the urge to write. Now as we all know time heals all wounds, and some near death experiences have jolted me back into getting off my over worked and tired ass and sending the weekly journal, my jejune missive, my carry on, my exploits in the form of "THE WEEK THAT WAS".
50 Years Married:
You may or may not be aware I am a bachelor at present, for approx 6 weeks. Mississauga Juju or you may know her as "the banshee" or "she devil" is down in NZ as we speak. Apparently her parents have been married for 50 years [how Moira has done it, god only knows]. I can only cogitate that I have 40 years to go before that mile stone, Jesus in forty years I will be lucky to alive let alone survive being married to "she who must be obeyed", fact is I will have fallen of the twig and probably not be here any way.
But you must take your hat of to Paul & Moira who have reached a milestone that is now becoming more & more obsolete as the generations move by. I for one are looking at becoming a Mormon just to spice things up a bit, a bit of competition never hurt anyone and I can only see it as a win win for all parties involved to be precise, me. I am spending 2 days in Salt Lake City next week to scope things out.
Detroit/World Series/GM:
I went to Detroit the other day another meeting with GM and there design team. It was an opportune time as the Detroit Tigers have made the World Series baseball 7 game final against St Louis. And after having a brief rant about how it is not a world series as it is only between US teams, I was told very politely by John Ford [yes he is a great grandson] that it is called the world series as the original sponsor of this series was the World Newspaper.
After lunch in the GM restaurant they decided to take me to the game, let’s walk one said its only 4 blocks. Needless to say as I had driven and was on my todd I had taken Montreal McGregor with me, he enjoys a good road-trip. He was last seen in the lunch room surrounded by the typing pool girls [how sexist to still have typing pools]. I thought I better check on him and the girls before leaving for the ball park. I opened the door to the lunch room to see Montreal McGregor sitting up at the head of the table with a slice of cheese pizza [a US wedge which is about 10" across] and I truly believe he was genuinely smiling at me.
So across to the ball park and up to The GM corporate box, unfortunately only US draft beer so I joined the ladies in drinking some Californian whites, I get away with it with my accent as the beer drinking yanks hear me talk and say, oh he is one of those foreign guys who drinks cocktails and wine?
On the way back the normal crowd and drama of downtown Detroit, suddenly there was a backfire, quickly I announced that it was probably a Ford, waiting for the laughter at my joke it took a few more paces before I realised it was very quiet and I was on my own. Glancing around I thought what a strange time to play hide and seek. A policeman told me "to get down or be shot". Understandably I complied divimg behind a flower bed, then horror washed over me as I remembered that my bullet proof vest and hand gun were are at security back at GM and this would be my first genuine situation to draw it just like in the movies. Shit I was naked and in the open. The policeman said “not from round here are you".
Some crack grazed idiot was doing a good Don King impersonation and was dealt with in true US fashion,
HE WAS SHOT, and then about 20 policemen jumped on him just to make sure.
Got back to GM to find Montreal McGregor in a corner looking a bit worse for wear, apparently he had managed two slices at which point on showing an interest in a giant Kit-Cat bar proceeded to demolish that as well, this did not fear well for the 4 hour drive home. For those of you in the know it is not wise to give dogs chocolate. After bundling him up collecting my gear from security we drove 500 metres to the tunnel under the St Clair River back to Canada. Half way home Mac decided that he needed to stop, the inevitable power chuck and his own back fire and we were again on our way.
Boston
It’s 6.30am and I was back at the airport to fly to Boston for the day. It was cold and I kid you not threatening to snow we take off and the pilot announces straight up that there will be no in flight service as it looks like it will be bumpy all the way. Who cares its only 1hr 20min flight? Now two/three weeks ago I was in Disneyland/California Land & Universal studios doing theme park rides etc, so I thought I was seasoned, well yea yah what a flight. At one point we were struck by lightening, we nearly did an involuntary roll over and what the hell was that smell. Coming into Boston which is a waterfront airport was like nothing I have experienced for some time, its not very often you are sitting in your window seat looking directly down the wing which is pointing directly down the runway. How he put it down without killing us is beyond me. That smell, oh yes on our near roll over the toilets backwashed and that lovely blue jays fluid was seeping up the aisle.
I am back to Boston on Monday, may take Montreal McGregor with me as it is only for one night and with a short flight he can sit under the seat in front of me. Makes for interesting travel, and at customs it is worth the laugh in itself as he gets shaken down.
Then Wednesday over to Salt Lake City, Utah, will leave him in Toronto as this flight is to long for him and we do not need any toilet issues on the plane.
So on that note so long for now, I will be back soon with more in-depth and exciting adventures of Toronto Pip & Montreal McGregor. Mississauga Juju is back on the 6th Nov so you just know there will be some good old stories to tell that week, if you know what I mean.
Bye to all & God Bless America
Toronto Pip
It is I "Toronto Pip" who although has been decidedly quiet, has not for one moment forgotten about you. Albeit I do not feel the same love coming from down under, only from down under the covers? After losing Steve Irwin my mentor then following in quick succession my good friend Peter Perfect, [Juju will miss him more, I think she knew him better than we think??] I lost the urge to write. Now as we all know time heals all wounds, and some near death experiences have jolted me back into getting off my over worked and tired ass and sending the weekly journal, my jejune missive, my carry on, my exploits in the form of "THE WEEK THAT WAS".
50 Years Married:
You may or may not be aware I am a bachelor at present, for approx 6 weeks. Mississauga Juju or you may know her as "the banshee" or "she devil" is down in NZ as we speak. Apparently her parents have been married for 50 years [how Moira has done it, god only knows]. I can only cogitate that I have 40 years to go before that mile stone, Jesus in forty years I will be lucky to alive let alone survive being married to "she who must be obeyed", fact is I will have fallen of the twig and probably not be here any way.
But you must take your hat of to Paul & Moira who have reached a milestone that is now becoming more & more obsolete as the generations move by. I for one are looking at becoming a Mormon just to spice things up a bit, a bit of competition never hurt anyone and I can only see it as a win win for all parties involved to be precise, me. I am spending 2 days in Salt Lake City next week to scope things out.
Detroit/World Series/GM:
I went to Detroit the other day another meeting with GM and there design team. It was an opportune time as the Detroit Tigers have made the World Series baseball 7 game final against St Louis. And after having a brief rant about how it is not a world series as it is only between US teams, I was told very politely by John Ford [yes he is a great grandson] that it is called the world series as the original sponsor of this series was the World Newspaper.
After lunch in the GM restaurant they decided to take me to the game, let’s walk one said its only 4 blocks. Needless to say as I had driven and was on my todd I had taken Montreal McGregor with me, he enjoys a good road-trip. He was last seen in the lunch room surrounded by the typing pool girls [how sexist to still have typing pools]. I thought I better check on him and the girls before leaving for the ball park. I opened the door to the lunch room to see Montreal McGregor sitting up at the head of the table with a slice of cheese pizza [a US wedge which is about 10" across] and I truly believe he was genuinely smiling at me.
So across to the ball park and up to The GM corporate box, unfortunately only US draft beer so I joined the ladies in drinking some Californian whites, I get away with it with my accent as the beer drinking yanks hear me talk and say, oh he is one of those foreign guys who drinks cocktails and wine?
On the way back the normal crowd and drama of downtown Detroit, suddenly there was a backfire, quickly I announced that it was probably a Ford, waiting for the laughter at my joke it took a few more paces before I realised it was very quiet and I was on my own. Glancing around I thought what a strange time to play hide and seek. A policeman told me "to get down or be shot". Understandably I complied divimg behind a flower bed, then horror washed over me as I remembered that my bullet proof vest and hand gun were are at security back at GM and this would be my first genuine situation to draw it just like in the movies. Shit I was naked and in the open. The policeman said “not from round here are you".
Some crack grazed idiot was doing a good Don King impersonation and was dealt with in true US fashion,
HE WAS SHOT, and then about 20 policemen jumped on him just to make sure.
Got back to GM to find Montreal McGregor in a corner looking a bit worse for wear, apparently he had managed two slices at which point on showing an interest in a giant Kit-Cat bar proceeded to demolish that as well, this did not fear well for the 4 hour drive home. For those of you in the know it is not wise to give dogs chocolate. After bundling him up collecting my gear from security we drove 500 metres to the tunnel under the St Clair River back to Canada. Half way home Mac decided that he needed to stop, the inevitable power chuck and his own back fire and we were again on our way.
Boston
It’s 6.30am and I was back at the airport to fly to Boston for the day. It was cold and I kid you not threatening to snow we take off and the pilot announces straight up that there will be no in flight service as it looks like it will be bumpy all the way. Who cares its only 1hr 20min flight? Now two/three weeks ago I was in Disneyland/California Land & Universal studios doing theme park rides etc, so I thought I was seasoned, well yea yah what a flight. At one point we were struck by lightening, we nearly did an involuntary roll over and what the hell was that smell. Coming into Boston which is a waterfront airport was like nothing I have experienced for some time, its not very often you are sitting in your window seat looking directly down the wing which is pointing directly down the runway. How he put it down without killing us is beyond me. That smell, oh yes on our near roll over the toilets backwashed and that lovely blue jays fluid was seeping up the aisle.
I am back to Boston on Monday, may take Montreal McGregor with me as it is only for one night and with a short flight he can sit under the seat in front of me. Makes for interesting travel, and at customs it is worth the laugh in itself as he gets shaken down.
Then Wednesday over to Salt Lake City, Utah, will leave him in Toronto as this flight is to long for him and we do not need any toilet issues on the plane.
So on that note so long for now, I will be back soon with more in-depth and exciting adventures of Toronto Pip & Montreal McGregor. Mississauga Juju is back on the 6th Nov so you just know there will be some good old stories to tell that week, if you know what I mean.
Bye to all & God Bless America
Toronto Pip
Thursday, October 12, 2006
While the Cats away: October 12 206
Kia Ora to all in Aoteroa,
Yes I am alive & well. However my schedule has been harsh. Just a snippet to tie you over for this weekends journal I am in the process of writing.
Monday, fly from Los Angeles to Boston, Boston to Buffalo then Buffalo to Toronto, total 12 hours including time change, so actually 15? Monday was Thanksgiving in Canada not America before you all start emailing me that is in November. Why on a Monday, well why not. I had actually been in LA with my brother & his wife & kids. Disneyland, California Land, Universal Studios etc.
Tuesday, Toronto office, catch up on back log.
Wednesday, fly to Chicago to attend court where we are being sued apparently something I said, go figure, me and something I said, no? To cut a long story short a flooring contractor got it wrong and blamed everybody but himself. The general contractor and our company won. At which point I pressed for court cost's as well as other related costs of travel, time, mental anguish, physical disfigurement [seat in plane not big enough], and a first class ticket to any European destination to find my inner peace that was shattered because of the malicious and painful attack on my person. Just as a joke, however the judge ruled in my favour so I will have a "week that was" coming from you live from Paris in two weekends time, [God Bless America]. Sorry Juju won't be here to enjoy that, now who should I take eh? I feel a trip to the Brass Rail coming on????
Thursday, in Toronto office catching up again.
Friday, fly to Detroit to try and sort out yet another installation problem and try to diffuse before it gets to court stage.
So you lot, I will finally have the "week that was" or as it has been so long "the month that may have been" out to you for a Monday reading, it promises to be filled with intrigue, excitement, and all sorts of useless other stuff.
Cheers for now,
Toronto Pip & Montreal McGregor
Absent [Mississagua Juju, currently Auckalofa Ju] Dearly missed, like my connection in Boston.
Yes I am alive & well. However my schedule has been harsh. Just a snippet to tie you over for this weekends journal I am in the process of writing.
Monday, fly from Los Angeles to Boston, Boston to Buffalo then Buffalo to Toronto, total 12 hours including time change, so actually 15? Monday was Thanksgiving in Canada not America before you all start emailing me that is in November. Why on a Monday, well why not. I had actually been in LA with my brother & his wife & kids. Disneyland, California Land, Universal Studios etc.
Tuesday, Toronto office, catch up on back log.
Wednesday, fly to Chicago to attend court where we are being sued apparently something I said, go figure, me and something I said, no? To cut a long story short a flooring contractor got it wrong and blamed everybody but himself. The general contractor and our company won. At which point I pressed for court cost's as well as other related costs of travel, time, mental anguish, physical disfigurement [seat in plane not big enough], and a first class ticket to any European destination to find my inner peace that was shattered because of the malicious and painful attack on my person. Just as a joke, however the judge ruled in my favour so I will have a "week that was" coming from you live from Paris in two weekends time, [God Bless America]. Sorry Juju won't be here to enjoy that, now who should I take eh? I feel a trip to the Brass Rail coming on????
Thursday, in Toronto office catching up again.
Friday, fly to Detroit to try and sort out yet another installation problem and try to diffuse before it gets to court stage.
So you lot, I will finally have the "week that was" or as it has been so long "the month that may have been" out to you for a Monday reading, it promises to be filled with intrigue, excitement, and all sorts of useless other stuff.
Cheers for now,
Toronto Pip & Montreal McGregor
Absent [Mississagua Juju, currently Auckalofa Ju] Dearly missed, like my connection in Boston.
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
Girls on tour in Manhattan
Lady Liberty welcomed Vicky and I to NYC the first week of September. Vicky flew in from Mexico and my 1 hour flight from Toronto turned out to be a five hour schemozzle when my delayed flight was held up on the tarmac for three hours! By the time I landed at JFK I'd missed the art opening in Chelsea I'd hoped to attend and cabbed straight to the Hudson Hotel. I then took a town car out to Newark to pick up Vicky and do a scenic tour of the city at night on our way back to the Hudson.
The Hudson Hotel, designed by Phillipe Starck has a rock-n-roll vibe that hits with decibel loaded music as you enter the fluro foyer, ride the luminated escalator to the vine hung lobby. Music rocks from dawn to dawn, the patio was in full swing and we launched off with cosmo's. We especially loved the cow-girls in the Library, the log chair in the Hudson Bar and Moroccan inspired Private Park bar.
We hit the streets next day with a chauffeur in a luxurious full size classic Chevrolet Caprice Convertible, touring from Greenwich Village to Brooklyn Heights. Totally the way to see Manhattan, the open top brought us right into the street, interacting with cops, cabbies, tourists and pedestrians in a way you just wouldn't any other way. Highlights were the Brooklyn Bridge, Irish Garden, Wall street, Washington Square.
Cybele by Michael Chimiakan Prince St Soho, Washington Square Monument and Vesuvio Bakery Prince street is now closed
Irish Hunger Garden
Wall Street and NYC Stock Exchange, Downtown.
Crossing over to Brooklyn, view back to Manhattan.
Cast Iron district, Greene St Soho.
I love store windows, Fashion week begins next week so the city is dressed up for this uber celeb event. From tyres at Ralf Lauren on Bleeker Street to rycyled paper art at Anthropology at the Rockefeller Center to Hay at Givenchy on Madison Ave and stretched fabric at Gaultier on 5th Ave they all inspire. We loved the big Botero scupltures at the Time Warner Building, Adams wee winkie is rubbed shiny by passers by! Barneys grey and gold graphic painted display cases and lamps on Madison and dress dummy logo at Barney's Co-op in Soho are both stunning and must see's! I always have a gander at Mark Jacobs in Barneys, I loved this velvet number.
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| Ralf Lauren Bleeker St |
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| YSL and Rink Bar |
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| Anthropologie |
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| Time Warner Centre |
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| Gaultier 5th Ave |
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| Barneys Co-op Soho |
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| Barneys Madison Ave |
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Toronto Pip and the Coast Guard get up close and friendly! : August 31
Tena Koutou NZ Whanua,
Welcome to another episode of “the week that was”, a masterpiece of literary genius, which will keep you enthralled, on the edge of your seat & unable to understand. And all this to do with the goings on of Toronto Pip. This week there is not much action from my musty side-kick Mississauga Juju and the ever present Montreal McGregor?
This week we have fun and adventure on the high seas of Lake Huron [or should that be high lakes?] with the Canadian Coast Guard [be all you can be], we visit rural Michigan [yeee hawww & dosie doh], visit Michigan State University in Ann Arbor [opens your eyes a bit] then down to Detroit [don the bullet proof vest and strap on the side arm] for some relaxation & a bite of lunch with Mafioso?
So it starts like this, I drive to Sarnia which is the border between US & Canada, US Port Huron, Canada Port Sarnia. In places you could probably drive a golf ball across [if you where me, John Daley or Tiger that is]? I get whistled on board the CCGS [Canadian Coast Guard Ship for you slow ones] Samuel Risley and that was just by the female crew members and to my horror one of the men [lenient for that stuff up here]. Chief Officer Signe Gotfredsen asks me how long do you have, I reply how long does it take. Want a ride, ok. Next thing you know we are casting off to do a wee sea trial to see if the up grades work. [And here was me thinking we were talking about something completely different].
The 220’ cutter pulls out at a leisurely 10 kits into Lake Huron. Next thing sirens start and all hands are called, I think we are under attack [from the Middle East faction Sadam SeaBass BoatBomber Hussein] then I think well if we go down at least I am in good hands. We’ll it was a speed run, so its ark up the 3 x 12,000 hp diesels I’m thinking it will take a while for her to wind up, but before I can grab a rail I am sat on my butt. By the time I pull myself to my feet and look out the window we are already hitting 30 kts and climbing, we peg out at 45 kts [that’s 85kmh] which doesn’t sound much but when you realise you are on a 220’ vessel it is rather impressive. I ask if I can go aft to see what is happening out the back. So there I am looking over the back and we are putting up an impressive rooster tail of about 50’ to 100’ height x 150’ to 200’ out the back and a wake of about 20’ to 30’. The noise is deafening. Bloody hell there’s the
siren again, the young women next to me has eyes as bid as saucers and I can’t hear a word she is saying, so I go by the fear in her eyes and the fact that her knuckles are white with the death grip she has on the railing as an indication that I should quickly follow suit. Christ the next thing we are doing speed turns and the vessel hasn’t slowed any. The boat is doing things that are not possible we turn hard to starboard then hard to port, she is groaning as we are horizontal then vertical, horizontal then vertical [the boat that is], then there is that bloody siren again, a quick glance to my left and the young women's eyes have got bigger and her grip is so tight she has made himself cry, I personally need a change of undies, THEN we’ll f??k me if they don’t bash this thing in reverse without slowing down. We literally go from 45 kts to stop in about 10 seconds, the bird and I are soaked which is a good thing as I believe we probably had both pee’ed in our
pants.
After that I needed some slow time so it is off to rural Michigan to visit a manufacturer of sports equipment for universities who want's to run with our products. We'll there I am in the middle of nowhere and there is a hotel just sitting in a field with a restaurant [a Bob Evans to be precise] next to it. Home style cooking the ad said. This is where you realise that little old NZ is so far ahead in worldly matters and that, yes we actually should be afraid of the fact that the US see's itself as a world power. So I go in, and ask question and generally make small talk as I am on my own! The black girl goes all gooey over my accent and everyone makes a fuss while all I want to do is have something to eat AND OH SHIT IT IS A FAMILY RESTURANT AND THEY DON'T SERVE ALCOHOL. It just gets better. I sit down and glance around the room AND OH BUGGER YES WE ARE IN RURAL AMERICA AND YOU CAN SMOKE ANYWHERE, it gets better! So there is this guy who resembles "yabber the hut" [star
wars movie] to which I am shocked, yet fascinated, I stare I just cannot take my eyes of him as I have never seen a human drink 15 soft drinks while never taking the cigarette out of his mouth and all while devouring what looked like to be 3 whole chickens. Then I realised he had Mrs Yabber and all the little Yabber's with him who all resembled something from a bad b-grade horror movie "the blob" or in this case blobs?! I finish my chicken pot pie, then glance their way and run to the bathroom to start my new vice "bulimia". So all I want to do is escape but the staff thinks I am something special, so I have to talk and explain where I am from? Why I am here? So I want to pay my bill, when out of the blue the black girl ask's me "what language do you speak in NZ"? Open mouthed I stood, excuse me I thought I was speaking English, but obviously I slipped back to my native tongue Swahili. "How are you going to pay" she ask's, American Express, "you have American Express in
NZ", YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING "yes and we also have phones & cars & TV & Coke & GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE??????????????.
Then down to Ann Arbor to visit a new install at Michigan State Uni football centre. OH MY GOD, apart from being allowed to watch the cheer leaders practice [could you just do that throw in the air split rutine one more time I think you were not extended enough on that last set]. Even the cheer leaders have there own gym, offices and operates just like the football team, it is has to be seen to believed! The campus is about the size of a small town and the buildings for every sport are top notch filled with top gear etc. Just goes to show when you have a large population anything is affordable.
Down to Detroit, stop at city limits to don the bullet proof vest, and make sure the side arm is loaded with one up the spout. Another meeting at Motor City Casino, then down to Ford to see if they are still in business, yep there is a pulse. Then my rep and I have to meet a GM guy at "Carl's Chop House" a Detroit institution? I know what you are thinking, Carl's Cop House, could it be a chop shop for stolen cars, no? Is it a house of ill repute, no? Is it a house of evangelistic goings on, no? Is it a house at all, NO? It is a Mafioso owned restaurant that has not changed since the 50's, a guy play's the piano, waiters in black tux's, no windows, it has a charm about it, it is shifty to say the least, the food is superb, and if you complain the waiter is found "swimming with the fish, capesh"? The GM guy asks if we want to go to the "ball game" I reluctantly say yes and the next thing I know we are heading to the game in a limo, we get waved through the gates at the
stadium and right under the ground. Hop out and walk 5m into the elevator that took us up to the GM corporate box. It was like no other corp box I have ever seen, it was the size of a quarter of a rugby field and more exciting than that it was boy's afternoon (no girls or wife’s etc), so the girls who were serving us were appropriately attired, can't remember much about the game, not through drunkenness, but by the fact that there were far more interesting things going on around me. Oh look, there is Tammy & Sammy the twins, and Brittany I don't think you should bend back like that, something might go pop and yes please feel free to do the splits while handing me a beer of the tray. Quite frankly it is all good.
I watched with interest and was sad to not be a part of Auckland’s "Boob's on Bikes" it looked like a great spectacle, the usual winging sandal wearing tree huggers were out in force also I see. I bet that "Cereal Rapist" mayor was also thinking of ways having it stopped. Just like the street race, the stadium, the list goes on. I now live in a city of 6 million people where we have road closures, street parties, street races that go on for days some even weeks with absolutely little drama? They even close down the major motorway here twice a year, one for a bike race, the second for a marathon. So I say up the establishment and I look forward to all your support when I return to Auckland and run for mayor.
So long for now, thinking of you all, much love,
Toronto Pip
Welcome to another episode of “the week that was”, a masterpiece of literary genius, which will keep you enthralled, on the edge of your seat & unable to understand. And all this to do with the goings on of Toronto Pip. This week there is not much action from my musty side-kick Mississauga Juju and the ever present Montreal McGregor?
This week we have fun and adventure on the high seas of Lake Huron [or should that be high lakes?] with the Canadian Coast Guard [be all you can be], we visit rural Michigan [yeee hawww & dosie doh], visit Michigan State University in Ann Arbor [opens your eyes a bit] then down to Detroit [don the bullet proof vest and strap on the side arm] for some relaxation & a bite of lunch with Mafioso?
So it starts like this, I drive to Sarnia which is the border between US & Canada, US Port Huron, Canada Port Sarnia. In places you could probably drive a golf ball across [if you where me, John Daley or Tiger that is]? I get whistled on board the CCGS [Canadian Coast Guard Ship for you slow ones] Samuel Risley and that was just by the female crew members and to my horror one of the men [lenient for that stuff up here]. Chief Officer Signe Gotfredsen asks me how long do you have, I reply how long does it take. Want a ride, ok. Next thing you know we are casting off to do a wee sea trial to see if the up grades work. [And here was me thinking we were talking about something completely different].
The 220’ cutter pulls out at a leisurely 10 kits into Lake Huron. Next thing sirens start and all hands are called, I think we are under attack [from the Middle East faction Sadam SeaBass BoatBomber Hussein] then I think well if we go down at least I am in good hands. We’ll it was a speed run, so its ark up the 3 x 12,000 hp diesels I’m thinking it will take a while for her to wind up, but before I can grab a rail I am sat on my butt. By the time I pull myself to my feet and look out the window we are already hitting 30 kts and climbing, we peg out at 45 kts [that’s 85kmh] which doesn’t sound much but when you realise you are on a 220’ vessel it is rather impressive. I ask if I can go aft to see what is happening out the back. So there I am looking over the back and we are putting up an impressive rooster tail of about 50’ to 100’ height x 150’ to 200’ out the back and a wake of about 20’ to 30’. The noise is deafening. Bloody hell there’s the
siren again, the young women next to me has eyes as bid as saucers and I can’t hear a word she is saying, so I go by the fear in her eyes and the fact that her knuckles are white with the death grip she has on the railing as an indication that I should quickly follow suit. Christ the next thing we are doing speed turns and the vessel hasn’t slowed any. The boat is doing things that are not possible we turn hard to starboard then hard to port, she is groaning as we are horizontal then vertical, horizontal then vertical [the boat that is], then there is that bloody siren again, a quick glance to my left and the young women's eyes have got bigger and her grip is so tight she has made himself cry, I personally need a change of undies, THEN we’ll f??k me if they don’t bash this thing in reverse without slowing down. We literally go from 45 kts to stop in about 10 seconds, the bird and I are soaked which is a good thing as I believe we probably had both pee’ed in our
pants.
After that I needed some slow time so it is off to rural Michigan to visit a manufacturer of sports equipment for universities who want's to run with our products. We'll there I am in the middle of nowhere and there is a hotel just sitting in a field with a restaurant [a Bob Evans to be precise] next to it. Home style cooking the ad said. This is where you realise that little old NZ is so far ahead in worldly matters and that, yes we actually should be afraid of the fact that the US see's itself as a world power. So I go in, and ask question and generally make small talk as I am on my own! The black girl goes all gooey over my accent and everyone makes a fuss while all I want to do is have something to eat AND OH SHIT IT IS A FAMILY RESTURANT AND THEY DON'T SERVE ALCOHOL. It just gets better. I sit down and glance around the room AND OH BUGGER YES WE ARE IN RURAL AMERICA AND YOU CAN SMOKE ANYWHERE, it gets better! So there is this guy who resembles "yabber the hut" [star
wars movie] to which I am shocked, yet fascinated, I stare I just cannot take my eyes of him as I have never seen a human drink 15 soft drinks while never taking the cigarette out of his mouth and all while devouring what looked like to be 3 whole chickens. Then I realised he had Mrs Yabber and all the little Yabber's with him who all resembled something from a bad b-grade horror movie "the blob" or in this case blobs?! I finish my chicken pot pie, then glance their way and run to the bathroom to start my new vice "bulimia". So all I want to do is escape but the staff thinks I am something special, so I have to talk and explain where I am from? Why I am here? So I want to pay my bill, when out of the blue the black girl ask's me "what language do you speak in NZ"? Open mouthed I stood, excuse me I thought I was speaking English, but obviously I slipped back to my native tongue Swahili. "How are you going to pay" she ask's, American Express, "you have American Express in
NZ", YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING "yes and we also have phones & cars & TV & Coke & GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE??????????????.
Then down to Ann Arbor to visit a new install at Michigan State Uni football centre. OH MY GOD, apart from being allowed to watch the cheer leaders practice [could you just do that throw in the air split rutine one more time I think you were not extended enough on that last set]. Even the cheer leaders have there own gym, offices and operates just like the football team, it is has to be seen to believed! The campus is about the size of a small town and the buildings for every sport are top notch filled with top gear etc. Just goes to show when you have a large population anything is affordable.
Down to Detroit, stop at city limits to don the bullet proof vest, and make sure the side arm is loaded with one up the spout. Another meeting at Motor City Casino, then down to Ford to see if they are still in business, yep there is a pulse. Then my rep and I have to meet a GM guy at "Carl's Chop House" a Detroit institution? I know what you are thinking, Carl's Cop House, could it be a chop shop for stolen cars, no? Is it a house of ill repute, no? Is it a house of evangelistic goings on, no? Is it a house at all, NO? It is a Mafioso owned restaurant that has not changed since the 50's, a guy play's the piano, waiters in black tux's, no windows, it has a charm about it, it is shifty to say the least, the food is superb, and if you complain the waiter is found "swimming with the fish, capesh"? The GM guy asks if we want to go to the "ball game" I reluctantly say yes and the next thing I know we are heading to the game in a limo, we get waved through the gates at the
stadium and right under the ground. Hop out and walk 5m into the elevator that took us up to the GM corporate box. It was like no other corp box I have ever seen, it was the size of a quarter of a rugby field and more exciting than that it was boy's afternoon (no girls or wife’s etc), so the girls who were serving us were appropriately attired, can't remember much about the game, not through drunkenness, but by the fact that there were far more interesting things going on around me. Oh look, there is Tammy & Sammy the twins, and Brittany I don't think you should bend back like that, something might go pop and yes please feel free to do the splits while handing me a beer of the tray. Quite frankly it is all good.
I watched with interest and was sad to not be a part of Auckland’s "Boob's on Bikes" it looked like a great spectacle, the usual winging sandal wearing tree huggers were out in force also I see. I bet that "Cereal Rapist" mayor was also thinking of ways having it stopped. Just like the street race, the stadium, the list goes on. I now live in a city of 6 million people where we have road closures, street parties, street races that go on for days some even weeks with absolutely little drama? They even close down the major motorway here twice a year, one for a bike race, the second for a marathon. So I say up the establishment and I look forward to all your support when I return to Auckland and run for mayor.
So long for now, thinking of you all, much love,
Toronto Pip
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Dead Lambs, Fetish Week and the Coast Guard: August 30 2006
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi All,
We'll its not often I need to retract much [except for the land gear on all the aircraft I fly on], however through extreme pressure I will give it a go.
Firstly it has been pointed out to me that petrol prices have come down in NZ. WOW a whole 5cents, [thanks Chairman Helen that will really help], we have had another drop here and it is back down in the 85c/per L range that is a 30c drop.
Secondly my intro into the last “week that was” was seen as disrespectful under the circumstances, which I have to agree may have been seen as bad taste! However at the time of writing I was unaware of any ill health or the inevitable. My intro was actually directed at the All Blacks who have made the news over here for its barbaric and unsportsmanlike like dance [as they call it up here] that they perform [emphasis on perform] before a big match? Any way if any one was offended by this tell someone who gives a ????, all complaints to juwood@gmail.com and she will punish me as I feel fit.
I have been banned from a Toronto art gallery, that now takes it up to 4 world wide [2 in Auckland, 1 in New York and now Toronto], I really have no idea why Julie persists in taking me, she knows it only means trouble as I cannot resist in telling everyone exactly what it is they are looking at, and no I don't give a flying f??k as to what the artist is trying to say and the fact that they were beaten or touched as a child does not make a black canvas a piece of art.
At the gallery in question the "artist" who was holding a dead lamb said the work "left her with an undercurrent of lambyness, unexpected fantasies of mergence and inter-species metamorphoses began to flicker into her consciousness"?? WHAT ARE THESE SO CALLED ARTIST ON, now I'm up for most things but I don't want a bar of she was smoking. Any how I announced quite loudly that Kira [the artist], who seems to depend on the shock of using a murdered lamb as a prop, “perhaps lacked the talent to make it as a proper artist, should get a real day job to pay her bills and not push upon us the crap she calls art.
The curator then asked me to leave, I did with pleasure, but not before peeing in the corner and telling him I have an undercurrent of beeriness with the unexpected feelings of mergence of running rivers of beer which flickered into my consciousness, oh by the way that is art my friend, [just jokes, don't start unless you want to complain] then you can complain to juwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly, I have been a naughty boy.
It was fetish weekend in our neighbourhood, the sights and sounds were wonderful, again streets were closed off and the stalls came out selling all things to do with fetishes, there were some things that even needed to be explained to me and not just gay but for all.So you put your leg through there and pull on that and your thingy does that, oh yes now I can see, thanks for explaining that to me, does it come in beige? While having a look around I came a cross a guy lying face down on a padded pommel horse thing with a sign saying spank me, we’ll that was an offer I could not refuse, I don’t think he was expecting such a whack as he leaped up into the air and started rubbing his bum, everyone just laughed and I moved on. It was actually a good show and I managed to get all my Xmas shopping done for family back at home eh?
I am of to Lake Huron tomorrow to meet with the Canadian Coast Guard, which is bigger and has more vessels than our and Australia’s Navy, I am having a 3 hr trip on a 200’ cutter which has 50mm guns and rocket launchers and cannons and all sorts of things I know I shouldn't touch but probably will, you can just imagine it now, “what’s that button”, “what does this do”, “should I not have pushed that, oh look at the pretty white stream of steam behind that rocket, its aimed where” oh well “ they will just think it was some Hezbollah rocket and we won’t get into any trouble.
Then the rest of the week in Detroit so keep an eye out for the next “week that was”.
Cheers to all,
Toronto Pip
Hi All,
We'll its not often I need to retract much [except for the land gear on all the aircraft I fly on], however through extreme pressure I will give it a go.
Firstly it has been pointed out to me that petrol prices have come down in NZ. WOW a whole 5cents, [thanks Chairman Helen that will really help], we have had another drop here and it is back down in the 85c/per L range that is a 30c drop.
Secondly my intro into the last “week that was” was seen as disrespectful under the circumstances, which I have to agree may have been seen as bad taste! However at the time of writing I was unaware of any ill health or the inevitable. My intro was actually directed at the All Blacks who have made the news over here for its barbaric and unsportsmanlike like dance [as they call it up here] that they perform [emphasis on perform] before a big match? Any way if any one was offended by this tell someone who gives a ????, all complaints to juwood@gmail.com and she will punish me as I feel fit.
I have been banned from a Toronto art gallery, that now takes it up to 4 world wide [2 in Auckland, 1 in New York and now Toronto], I really have no idea why Julie persists in taking me, she knows it only means trouble as I cannot resist in telling everyone exactly what it is they are looking at, and no I don't give a flying f??k as to what the artist is trying to say and the fact that they were beaten or touched as a child does not make a black canvas a piece of art.
At the gallery in question the "artist" who was holding a dead lamb said the work "left her with an undercurrent of lambyness, unexpected fantasies of mergence and inter-species metamorphoses began to flicker into her consciousness"?? WHAT ARE THESE SO CALLED ARTIST ON, now I'm up for most things but I don't want a bar of she was smoking. Any how I announced quite loudly that Kira [the artist], who seems to depend on the shock of using a murdered lamb as a prop, “perhaps lacked the talent to make it as a proper artist, should get a real day job to pay her bills and not push upon us the crap she calls art.
The curator then asked me to leave, I did with pleasure, but not before peeing in the corner and telling him I have an undercurrent of beeriness with the unexpected feelings of mergence of running rivers of beer which flickered into my consciousness, oh by the way that is art my friend, [just jokes, don't start unless you want to complain] then you can complain to juwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly, I have been a naughty boy.
It was fetish weekend in our neighbourhood, the sights and sounds were wonderful, again streets were closed off and the stalls came out selling all things to do with fetishes, there were some things that even needed to be explained to me and not just gay but for all.So you put your leg through there and pull on that and your thingy does that, oh yes now I can see, thanks for explaining that to me, does it come in beige? While having a look around I came a cross a guy lying face down on a padded pommel horse thing with a sign saying spank me, we’ll that was an offer I could not refuse, I don’t think he was expecting such a whack as he leaped up into the air and started rubbing his bum, everyone just laughed and I moved on. It was actually a good show and I managed to get all my Xmas shopping done for family back at home eh?
I am of to Lake Huron tomorrow to meet with the Canadian Coast Guard, which is bigger and has more vessels than our and Australia’s Navy, I am having a 3 hr trip on a 200’ cutter which has 50mm guns and rocket launchers and cannons and all sorts of things I know I shouldn't touch but probably will, you can just imagine it now, “what’s that button”, “what does this do”, “should I not have pushed that, oh look at the pretty white stream of steam behind that rocket, its aimed where” oh well “ they will just think it was some Hezbollah rocket and we won’t get into any trouble.
Then the rest of the week in Detroit so keep an eye out for the next “week that was”.
Cheers to all,
Toronto Pip
Monday, August 21, 2006
Retraction August 21 2006
Hi All,
We'll its not often I need to retract much [except for the land gear on all the aircraft I fly on], however through extreme pressure I will give it a go.
Firstly it has been pointed out to me that petrol prices have come down in NZ. WOW a whole 5cents, [thanks Chairman Helen that will really help], we have had another drop here and it is back down in the 85c/per L range that is a 30c drop.
Secondly my intro into the last “week that was” was seen as disrespectful under the circumstances, which I have to agree may have been seen as bad taste! However at the time of writing I was unaware of any ill health or the inevitable. My intro was actually directed at the All Blacks who have made the news over here for its barbaric and unsportsmanlike like dance [as they call it up here] that they perform [emphasis on perform] before a big match? Any way if any one was offended by this tell someone who gives a ????, all complaints to juwood@gmail.com and she will punish me as I feel fit.
I have been banned from a Toronto art gallery, that now takes it up to 4 world wide [2 in Auckland, 1 in New York and now Toronto], I really have no idea why Julie persists in taking me, she knows it only means trouble as I cannot resist in telling everyone exactly what it is they are looking at, and no I don't give a flying f??k as to what the artist is trying to say and the fact that they were beaten or touched as a child does not make a black canvas a piece of art.
At the gallery in question the "artist" who was holding a dead lamb said the work "left her with an undercurrent of lambyness, unexpected fantasies of mergence and inter-species metamorphoses began to flicker into her consciousness"?? WHAT ARE THESE SO CALLED ARTIST ON, now I'm up for most things but I don't want a bar of she was smoking. Any how I announced quite loudly that Kira [the artist], who seems to depend on the shock of using a murdered lamb as a prop, “perhaps lacked the talent to make it as a proper artist, should get a real day job to pay her bills and not push upon us the crap she calls art.
The curator then asked me to leave, I did with pleasure, but not before peeing in the corner and telling him I have an undercurrent of beeriness with the unexpected feelings of mergence of running rivers of beer which flickered into my consciousness, oh by the way that is art my friend, [just jokes, don't start unless you want to complain] then you can complain to juwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly, I have been a naughty boy.
It was fetish weekend in our neighbourhood, the sights and sounds were wonderful, again streets were closed off and the stalls came out selling all things to do with fetishes, there were some things that even needed to be explained to me and not just gay but for all.So you put your leg through there and pull on that and your thingy does that, oh yes now I can see, thanks for explaining that to me, does it come in beige? While having a look around I came a cross a guy lying face down on a padded pommel horse thing with a sign saying spank me, we’ll that was an offer I could not refuse, I don’t think he was expecting such a whack as he leaped up into the air and started rubbing his bum, everyone just laughed and I moved on. It was actually a good show and I managed to get all my Xmas shopping done for family back at home eh?
I am of to Lake Huron tomorrow to meet with the Canadian Coast Guard, which is bigger and has more vessels than our and Australia’s Navy, I am having a 3 hr trip on a 200’ cutter which has 50mm guns and rocket launchers and cannons and all sorts of things I know I shouldn't touch but probably will, you can just imagine it now, “what’s that button”, “what does this do”, “should I not have pushed that, oh look at the pretty white stream of steam behind that rocket, its aimed where” oh well “ they will just think it was some Hezbollah rocket and we won’t get into any trouble.
Then the rest of the week in Detroit so keep an eye out for the next “week that was”.
Cheers to all,
Toronto Pip
We'll its not often I need to retract much [except for the land gear on all the aircraft I fly on], however through extreme pressure I will give it a go.
Firstly it has been pointed out to me that petrol prices have come down in NZ. WOW a whole 5cents, [thanks Chairman Helen that will really help], we have had another drop here and it is back down in the 85c/per L range that is a 30c drop.
Secondly my intro into the last “week that was” was seen as disrespectful under the circumstances, which I have to agree may have been seen as bad taste! However at the time of writing I was unaware of any ill health or the inevitable. My intro was actually directed at the All Blacks who have made the news over here for its barbaric and unsportsmanlike like dance [as they call it up here] that they perform [emphasis on perform] before a big match? Any way if any one was offended by this tell someone who gives a ????, all complaints to juwood@gmail.com and she will punish me as I feel fit.
I have been banned from a Toronto art gallery, that now takes it up to 4 world wide [2 in Auckland, 1 in New York and now Toronto], I really have no idea why Julie persists in taking me, she knows it only means trouble as I cannot resist in telling everyone exactly what it is they are looking at, and no I don't give a flying f??k as to what the artist is trying to say and the fact that they were beaten or touched as a child does not make a black canvas a piece of art.
At the gallery in question the "artist" who was holding a dead lamb said the work "left her with an undercurrent of lambyness, unexpected fantasies of mergence and inter-species metamorphoses began to flicker into her consciousness"?? WHAT ARE THESE SO CALLED ARTIST ON, now I'm up for most things but I don't want a bar of she was smoking. Any how I announced quite loudly that Kira [the artist], who seems to depend on the shock of using a murdered lamb as a prop, “perhaps lacked the talent to make it as a proper artist, should get a real day job to pay her bills and not push upon us the crap she calls art.
The curator then asked me to leave, I did with pleasure, but not before peeing in the corner and telling him I have an undercurrent of beeriness with the unexpected feelings of mergence of running rivers of beer which flickered into my consciousness, oh by the way that is art my friend, [just jokes, don't start unless you want to complain] then you can complain to juwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly, I have been a naughty boy.
It was fetish weekend in our neighbourhood, the sights and sounds were wonderful, again streets were closed off and the stalls came out selling all things to do with fetishes, there were some things that even needed to be explained to me and not just gay but for all.So you put your leg through there and pull on that and your thingy does that, oh yes now I can see, thanks for explaining that to me, does it come in beige? While having a look around I came a cross a guy lying face down on a padded pommel horse thing with a sign saying spank me, we’ll that was an offer I could not refuse, I don’t think he was expecting such a whack as he leaped up into the air and started rubbing his bum, everyone just laughed and I moved on. It was actually a good show and I managed to get all my Xmas shopping done for family back at home eh?
I am of to Lake Huron tomorrow to meet with the Canadian Coast Guard, which is bigger and has more vessels than our and Australia’s Navy, I am having a 3 hr trip on a 200’ cutter which has 50mm guns and rocket launchers and cannons and all sorts of things I know I shouldn't touch but probably will, you can just imagine it now, “what’s that button”, “what does this do”, “should I not have pushed that, oh look at the pretty white stream of steam behind that rocket, its aimed where” oh well “ they will just think it was some Hezbollah rocket and we won’t get into any trouble.
Then the rest of the week in Detroit so keep an eye out for the next “week that was”.
Cheers to all,
Toronto Pip
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Customs, Cousins, Petrol and Lord of the Rings: August 17 2006 10.24
Kiaora
Tin-a-cocoa, Tin-a-coffee, Cup-o-soup! And lashings of throat slitting, eh.
How are you all in Kiwiland, “land of the long white cloud”?
It is I Toronto Pip here in Canada, where on the East coast it is a unique experience to find a hill, let alone a mountain, no complaints however as it is also the land of the long clear summer. Some rain would be nice. I have been here 1.5 years and have not had a full day’s rain yet. I digress.
Welcome to another episode of “The Week That Was” an exciting parable of Toronto Pip, his wonderful side-kick Mississauga Juju and the babe magnet that is Montreal McGregor. Unfortunately in my area that may mean the wrong type of babe.
This episode consists of Customs officers, visiting cousins, New York "you’re fired", Hezbollah, Petrol prices, Baseball, Lord of the Rings, Racoons, Road works, and a horse called Frank? Plus the usual anecdotes that make up the life & times of Toronto Pip.
Customs:
It goes a bit like this, truck from our New Jersey (USA) warehouse [Wed] to our warehouse [Thurs] in Mississauga (CANADA) is stopped at boarder because of the rubber flooring contraband that I been obviously shipping back and forth [someone else’s cargo actually]. Truck driver lies and says he is a bonded agent, truck leaves and when he arrives in Mississauga is apprehended and his truck impounded. While customs was wondering about this, a kombi van full of illegal Hezbollah immigrants with boxes of cigarette’s and booze and a trailer loaded with fertilizer & diesel just drove on through. Any way so there is my stock which is urgently required for a BMW dealership & Toronto University [which is already customs cleared] but now stuck on an impounded truck. It’s now Friday and there is no sign of action, so Toronto Pip heads of for the Customs Bonded area to sort it all out. We’ll its like talking to a wall, I try all of my powers of persuasion, then it happens, I get
the “one”, picture the agent with mirror glasses, moustache, he may as well have been wearing jodhpurs’, so Toronto Pip tries a different angle. I start flapping my arms like a wind mill, ranting & raving; I may have mentioned something about fascist customs officers at some point, then it happened, jodhpur boy didn’t like that one bit, I was asked to leave, I refused, I was asked again, I again refused, I was threatened, right back at aye jodhpur boy? It was when he handled his weapon [gun that is, this is a family show] I realised I may have crossed the line slightly, I had forgotten they were armed, silly me really. I was actually physically removed from the premises, arm up my back, and marched out the gate and tossed into the gutter like a in a B-grade movie.
Cousins in Town:
Another visitor from home which is great, Kirsty Rundle [mother Barbara Rundle nee Ross] who has been in British Columbia & Alberta having a blast of a time over winter with her new fiancé Isaac. They arrive in Toronto to a cooler mini heat wave. It’s all good and we set about getting some quality drinking & eating in. Then there’s the standard trip to Niagara Falls [to many times to remember now] but it is still an amazing spectacle. The sights and sounds of Toronto, China town, shopping district etc. All good and we had a blast, drank too much and generally had a great time. It was great for me to have a Kiwi bloke to share the women hassling with. Isaac and I decided we should take the girls to a quality establishment and to be honest the girls did not take much encouragement. As previously explained one of Toronto's top strip clubs is 500m from our apartment so it's all good.
New York "you’re fired"
The owner of the company announced at 4.45pm Monday afternoon that I was flying to New York in the morning for the day to do some dirty work for him. Oh great I say, just what I like to do on a Tuesday. So off I go down to the New York office to give 3 people the don't come Monday speech. I arranged meetings with all three separately and it didn't take a rocket scientist to work out what was up. After I had two out of the way the owner rang up and told me to not fire the last one. She of course was outside waiting for me to call her in. So in she comes already in her mind knowing her fate? I quickly changed tack and told her she had a stay of execution and told her to organise pizza & beer so we could all get liquored up and rejoice. Back to Toronto and few well earned quite ones with the cousie & co.
Baseball:
Still with the young ones we went to the baseball, huge stadium holds about 85,000 to 95,000 humans. Blue Jays [home team] playing the White Sox. Good atmosphere, reasonable crowd, not enough organ music to get us going, the standard Mexican wave, great value [should send up the Eden Park people to see how its done] great seats for only $8.75 per person, a few beers & hotdogs all readily available and an enjoyable 4 hrs of baseball.
Hezbollah:
For once in my life I’m not going to go there???? Di armi atomiche I bastardi. Email me if you want the translation, however when have I ever been diplomatic, it means nuke the bastards in Italian. All complaints can be sent to jujuwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly. So all complaints greatly appreciated.
Lord of the Rings:
Ju and I went to the stage production of “Lord of the Rings” not to be mistaken for our local production “Lord of my Ring” which is quite understandable considering where we live, and that’s a whole story in itself and lets not go there. The actual stage drama was one of the best visual and staged productions I have ever been to. The costumes and special effects were just out of this world. It is a pity really as the critics gave it bad reviews and it has lost millions and is closing at the end of September all because some idiot critic who has his own opinion of what a production should be like. I have offered my services of course, and told them that if the female parts were played naked I could probably stretch it out until the end of October at least.
Racoons & Roadwork’s:
Not to be construed as a related issue however racoons are just as stupid as opossums and you see many of them not make it across the road.
Any how there are two seasons in Canada, winter and construction. Just about every road is being fixed and buildings appear overnight, literally. Its one thing about living in a big city, when they build they build fast.
It’s that time of year and the racoons & squirrels are running, skipping, playing and shagging. If you have ever heard a racoon fight you would know what I mean it’s like a cat fight only 5 times as loud and 10 times as vicious. One night we could here a cat & racoon going at it for a short time then it went quite, I think they shook hands and moved on, however rumour has it that someone has been calling out for jinksey for a week now, I wonder what that means. You can’t help but wake up and see what the hell is going on. It is quite amazing to be living downtown in a city of 6 million people and to have squirrels, racoons, chipmunks & even eagles all right there in your yard.
A Horse called Frank:
Not to be mistaken for his cousin Hank who I had a run in with at the airport. Frank was on duty downtown the other night; it is hilarious as they ride up the main street [like Queen Street only bigger] with a red light flashing on the back of the saddle like a bike light. I always stop to have a chat and the police guys are always pleasant, we reminisced about the days we used to ride in fields, herd cattle etc, I am building up to ask for a ride but may be pushing my luck here all I need is another gun drawing episode. They get a call out and it’s away at full canter up the street, quite a spectacle actually.
Petrol Prices:
Just to piss you all off when paying $1.70 per L +/- at the pump. Last week our price shot up to $1.18 per L, there was an out cry even protests, then someone told Canada that they have the biggest oil field and oil sand capabilities in the world, we rejoiced, even danced in the streets and the best of all THE PRICE DROPPED TO 97c. Imagine that the price actually dropping; try telling that one to Chairman Helen.
That's it for now,
Toronto Pip
Tin-a-cocoa, Tin-a-coffee, Cup-o-soup! And lashings of throat slitting, eh.
How are you all in Kiwiland, “land of the long white cloud”?
It is I Toronto Pip here in Canada, where on the East coast it is a unique experience to find a hill, let alone a mountain, no complaints however as it is also the land of the long clear summer. Some rain would be nice. I have been here 1.5 years and have not had a full day’s rain yet. I digress.
Welcome to another episode of “The Week That Was” an exciting parable of Toronto Pip, his wonderful side-kick Mississauga Juju and the babe magnet that is Montreal McGregor. Unfortunately in my area that may mean the wrong type of babe.
This episode consists of Customs officers, visiting cousins, New York "you’re fired", Hezbollah, Petrol prices, Baseball, Lord of the Rings, Racoons, Road works, and a horse called Frank? Plus the usual anecdotes that make up the life & times of Toronto Pip.
Customs:
It goes a bit like this, truck from our New Jersey (USA) warehouse [Wed] to our warehouse [Thurs] in Mississauga (CANADA) is stopped at boarder because of the rubber flooring contraband that I been obviously shipping back and forth [someone else’s cargo actually]. Truck driver lies and says he is a bonded agent, truck leaves and when he arrives in Mississauga is apprehended and his truck impounded. While customs was wondering about this, a kombi van full of illegal Hezbollah immigrants with boxes of cigarette’s and booze and a trailer loaded with fertilizer & diesel just drove on through. Any way so there is my stock which is urgently required for a BMW dealership & Toronto University [which is already customs cleared] but now stuck on an impounded truck. It’s now Friday and there is no sign of action, so Toronto Pip heads of for the Customs Bonded area to sort it all out. We’ll its like talking to a wall, I try all of my powers of persuasion, then it happens, I get
the “one”, picture the agent with mirror glasses, moustache, he may as well have been wearing jodhpurs’, so Toronto Pip tries a different angle. I start flapping my arms like a wind mill, ranting & raving; I may have mentioned something about fascist customs officers at some point, then it happened, jodhpur boy didn’t like that one bit, I was asked to leave, I refused, I was asked again, I again refused, I was threatened, right back at aye jodhpur boy? It was when he handled his weapon [gun that is, this is a family show] I realised I may have crossed the line slightly, I had forgotten they were armed, silly me really. I was actually physically removed from the premises, arm up my back, and marched out the gate and tossed into the gutter like a in a B-grade movie.
Cousins in Town:
Another visitor from home which is great, Kirsty Rundle [mother Barbara Rundle nee Ross] who has been in British Columbia & Alberta having a blast of a time over winter with her new fiancé Isaac. They arrive in Toronto to a cooler mini heat wave. It’s all good and we set about getting some quality drinking & eating in. Then there’s the standard trip to Niagara Falls [to many times to remember now] but it is still an amazing spectacle. The sights and sounds of Toronto, China town, shopping district etc. All good and we had a blast, drank too much and generally had a great time. It was great for me to have a Kiwi bloke to share the women hassling with. Isaac and I decided we should take the girls to a quality establishment and to be honest the girls did not take much encouragement. As previously explained one of Toronto's top strip clubs is 500m from our apartment so it's all good.
New York "you’re fired"
The owner of the company announced at 4.45pm Monday afternoon that I was flying to New York in the morning for the day to do some dirty work for him. Oh great I say, just what I like to do on a Tuesday. So off I go down to the New York office to give 3 people the don't come Monday speech. I arranged meetings with all three separately and it didn't take a rocket scientist to work out what was up. After I had two out of the way the owner rang up and told me to not fire the last one. She of course was outside waiting for me to call her in. So in she comes already in her mind knowing her fate? I quickly changed tack and told her she had a stay of execution and told her to organise pizza & beer so we could all get liquored up and rejoice. Back to Toronto and few well earned quite ones with the cousie & co.
Baseball:
Still with the young ones we went to the baseball, huge stadium holds about 85,000 to 95,000 humans. Blue Jays [home team] playing the White Sox. Good atmosphere, reasonable crowd, not enough organ music to get us going, the standard Mexican wave, great value [should send up the Eden Park people to see how its done] great seats for only $8.75 per person, a few beers & hotdogs all readily available and an enjoyable 4 hrs of baseball.
Hezbollah:
For once in my life I’m not going to go there???? Di armi atomiche I bastardi. Email me if you want the translation, however when have I ever been diplomatic, it means nuke the bastards in Italian. All complaints can be sent to jujuwood@gmail.com and she will spank me accordingly. So all complaints greatly appreciated.
Lord of the Rings:
Ju and I went to the stage production of “Lord of the Rings” not to be mistaken for our local production “Lord of my Ring” which is quite understandable considering where we live, and that’s a whole story in itself and lets not go there. The actual stage drama was one of the best visual and staged productions I have ever been to. The costumes and special effects were just out of this world. It is a pity really as the critics gave it bad reviews and it has lost millions and is closing at the end of September all because some idiot critic who has his own opinion of what a production should be like. I have offered my services of course, and told them that if the female parts were played naked I could probably stretch it out until the end of October at least.
Racoons & Roadwork’s:
Not to be construed as a related issue however racoons are just as stupid as opossums and you see many of them not make it across the road.
Any how there are two seasons in Canada, winter and construction. Just about every road is being fixed and buildings appear overnight, literally. Its one thing about living in a big city, when they build they build fast.
It’s that time of year and the racoons & squirrels are running, skipping, playing and shagging. If you have ever heard a racoon fight you would know what I mean it’s like a cat fight only 5 times as loud and 10 times as vicious. One night we could here a cat & racoon going at it for a short time then it went quite, I think they shook hands and moved on, however rumour has it that someone has been calling out for jinksey for a week now, I wonder what that means. You can’t help but wake up and see what the hell is going on. It is quite amazing to be living downtown in a city of 6 million people and to have squirrels, racoons, chipmunks & even eagles all right there in your yard.
A Horse called Frank:
Not to be mistaken for his cousin Hank who I had a run in with at the airport. Frank was on duty downtown the other night; it is hilarious as they ride up the main street [like Queen Street only bigger] with a red light flashing on the back of the saddle like a bike light. I always stop to have a chat and the police guys are always pleasant, we reminisced about the days we used to ride in fields, herd cattle etc, I am building up to ask for a ride but may be pushing my luck here all I need is another gun drawing episode. They get a call out and it’s away at full canter up the street, quite a spectacle actually.
Petrol Prices:
Just to piss you all off when paying $1.70 per L +/- at the pump. Last week our price shot up to $1.18 per L, there was an out cry even protests, then someone told Canada that they have the biggest oil field and oil sand capabilities in the world, we rejoiced, even danced in the streets and the best of all THE PRICE DROPPED TO 97c. Imagine that the price actually dropping; try telling that one to Chairman Helen.
That's it for now,
Toronto Pip
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
Sailing, Chicks, a Haka in a Bar and a Horse named Hank: August 1 2006
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kiaora to all in Kiwiland.
Welcome to another albeit belated "week that was", the insight into the world of Toronto Pip, his trusty, rusty & crusty side-kick Mississauga Juju and don't forget the incorrigible & lovable Montreal McGregor.
There has been a lack of "weeks that were" due to a brain malfunction on my part. In the last 7 weeks Juju & I have been on holiday with Mum & Dad [Niagara Falls (again), Montreal, Nova Scotia, New York & other various places around N.E. North America], plus various road trips, and business travel on my part all of which are in my draft file awaiting final anecdotes, jokes and hope we don't all croak before sending. I will get them to you as soon as possible, I know you can't wait.
However here is my last weeks travel which consisted of 3 states of the US of A, a sailing adventure on lake Michigan, a golf match to be forgotten, a Haka in a bar, rental car blues, don't forget the normal shit fight that is Chicago O'Hare airport [busiest in US at present], beautiful women and a horse called Hank.
LAKE MICHIGAN
So I leave Toronto Monday 4am to fly to Buffalo to connect to Chicago to drive to Milwaukee in Wisconsin, all this done by 10.30 for my first appointment. Meetings go well all day and new rep may be a keeper. I find out that he is a sailing legend in these parts and due to the fact that I am from NZ apparently I am of Americas Cup sailing quality and need to take him out in his yacht and teach him how to sail. Oh great I say "that will be fun, what is your boat", "a Hobie" he replies. "A catamaran" I said, OH NO they developed a yacht that is 36 feet long with a width of only 6 feet, swings a long keel with bugger all lead and if you get it wrong it is spectacular, it sails like a mini version of a current Americas cup boat. So out we go onto the lake, I bark orders and tell people to haul on that, set that, sheet that, pump that, and that was just starting the engine. Needless to say I was on a roll and doing fine SO FAR. Albeit to a crew of 3 including me. The radio
crackled that there was a severe weather warning to the north of us with 50 kt gust and thunder and lightening. So I say lets head north and have a look its what we do in NZ, [mean while my head is thinking of the movie "a perfect storm" although I am sexier than George Looney]. The skies darken the wind gets stronger and the thing we are sailing decides to take on a new lease of life, [needless to say a boat that is 36' long and only 6' wide makes like a knife and or submarine like characteristics] It starts to blow 20kt's constant and we are doing about that down wind, of course the owner and crew are happy because Kiwi sailing expert boy is at the helm. Then we get a gust which lays us flat keel out of the water, it makes for exciting vocabulary [more yelling haul on that, let that go, cut that, don't drop that (my rum), after a few strikes of lightening to close for comfort we all decide to go like the wind back to the marina and call it a day. I don't know what they
think about NZ's sailing ability, however you can rest assured that we are all mad, stay calm under pressure, and never spill a drink no matter what the circumstances are.
THE GOLF
Then its onto Minneapolis, Minnesota. More meetings all good and they decide to take me to play golf. All good I say. However the heat wave in North America means that our 12pm tee off is in 37 degrees with no wind and humid-ex at 42 degrees. It has to be the hottest temperatures I have play any sport in. Then add to that a golf course that requires 7 holes to carry 180 to 200 yards over water or reeds, 15 of the 18 had either water or trees or both down each side of the fairway & and 2 par 3's that required a driver to reach. As Jack Nicolas or Mark Twain once said "a good walk ruined". Enough said, and don't even ask.
AIRPORT, RENTAL CAR.
Then its back to Chicago, drop the car of at rental company only to remember I had forgotten to fill it up, rental car companies like to charge double the pump rate so $6.60 a gallon later I am on my way. Glad I didn't inform them of the scratch and dent in the oil pan, but that's another story.
Airport has about 250,000 people all trying to check in, get through bloody security, find there gate, hope its all going well and move on. This all on account that the radar had failed, there were thunderstorms and about 200 flights the previous night and through out the day had been canned. So smooth sailing for Mr. Wood, OHH NO not me, I have to get special treatment. I get selected for a special security screening, [must be my fake pass port name Akbar CamelPip MeccaMasefield HussainWood, I knew I should have taken the Fess off when I had the photo taken]. They take you aside search your bags, rub you down and you pray that no one says bend over while they are putting on a rubber glove. Needless to say I miss my flight. That's OK as they have 7 more this evening. No sir we are booked solid, I can wait-list you on the 12.20am. At this point there are two options, act like an idiot and shout, scream, even cry OR head for the bar. I chose option two.
THE BAR, THE HAKA, THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
I get to the bar to find thousands of other travellers in the same predicament. I chose a quite corner where there is a family including grand parents all having a nice time. We get talking the usual, we start laughing, drinking etc. They are on holiday and heading for a dude ranch [horse farm] the next thing I know I am being invited to come along, I don't think the banshee would be too impressed with that one eh? As we get louder we start to gather a good sized group of people, then she walks in the second women of my dreams [first spot taken by she devil, I had to say that though, really] she sees the harmless family and moves on over. Fantastic we all start talking and getting on famously, she then invites me to Rhode Island for the week end [now she who must be obeyed would seriously be unhappy], I try to come up with a compromise in that she joins us all at the dude ranch. Onto my 5th rum and some idiot in the bar says don't you Kiwi's have some war dance you are
always doing, that's all I need, next thing you know I.m up on the bar going hell for leather and giving it my all, including tongue and that's just with Miss Rhode Island, I refuse to do the new throat slitting thing as I think it is stupid. Miss Rhode Island is suitable impressed that's a real bugger, as are the dude ranchers and most of the bar. Some many hours later I am informed I am on the 9.20pm flight home, reluctantly I fly to Buffalo to connect to Toronto.
A HORSE NAMED HANK.
I arrive back in Toronto at 12.30am, fly out the door and smack straight into a horse with a policeman sitting on his back, trying not to appear to inebriated I strike up a conversation to which the horse tells me his name is Hank, nice horse, I ask him if has ever been to a dude ranch, or Rhode Island, he says no to both, we part in different ways, and I head home to Miss New Zealand and Montreal McGregor.
Cheers & love to all.
Toronto Pip
Kiaora to all in Kiwiland.
Welcome to another albeit belated "week that was", the insight into the world of Toronto Pip, his trusty, rusty & crusty side-kick Mississauga Juju and don't forget the incorrigible & lovable Montreal McGregor.
There has been a lack of "weeks that were" due to a brain malfunction on my part. In the last 7 weeks Juju & I have been on holiday with Mum & Dad [Niagara Falls (again), Montreal, Nova Scotia, New York & other various places around N.E. North America], plus various road trips, and business travel on my part all of which are in my draft file awaiting final anecdotes, jokes and hope we don't all croak before sending. I will get them to you as soon as possible, I know you can't wait.
However here is my last weeks travel which consisted of 3 states of the US of A, a sailing adventure on lake Michigan, a golf match to be forgotten, a Haka in a bar, rental car blues, don't forget the normal shit fight that is Chicago O'Hare airport [busiest in US at present], beautiful women and a horse called Hank.
LAKE MICHIGAN
So I leave Toronto Monday 4am to fly to Buffalo to connect to Chicago to drive to Milwaukee in Wisconsin, all this done by 10.30 for my first appointment. Meetings go well all day and new rep may be a keeper. I find out that he is a sailing legend in these parts and due to the fact that I am from NZ apparently I am of Americas Cup sailing quality and need to take him out in his yacht and teach him how to sail. Oh great I say "that will be fun, what is your boat", "a Hobie" he replies. "A catamaran" I said, OH NO they developed a yacht that is 36 feet long with a width of only 6 feet, swings a long keel with bugger all lead and if you get it wrong it is spectacular, it sails like a mini version of a current Americas cup boat. So out we go onto the lake, I bark orders and tell people to haul on that, set that, sheet that, pump that, and that was just starting the engine. Needless to say I was on a roll and doing fine SO FAR. Albeit to a crew of 3 including me. The radio
crackled that there was a severe weather warning to the north of us with 50 kt gust and thunder and lightening. So I say lets head north and have a look its what we do in NZ, [mean while my head is thinking of the movie "a perfect storm" although I am sexier than George Looney]. The skies darken the wind gets stronger and the thing we are sailing decides to take on a new lease of life, [needless to say a boat that is 36' long and only 6' wide makes like a knife and or submarine like characteristics] It starts to blow 20kt's constant and we are doing about that down wind, of course the owner and crew are happy because Kiwi sailing expert boy is at the helm. Then we get a gust which lays us flat keel out of the water, it makes for exciting vocabulary [more yelling haul on that, let that go, cut that, don't drop that (my rum), after a few strikes of lightening to close for comfort we all decide to go like the wind back to the marina and call it a day. I don't know what they
think about NZ's sailing ability, however you can rest assured that we are all mad, stay calm under pressure, and never spill a drink no matter what the circumstances are.
THE GOLF
Then its onto Minneapolis, Minnesota. More meetings all good and they decide to take me to play golf. All good I say. However the heat wave in North America means that our 12pm tee off is in 37 degrees with no wind and humid-ex at 42 degrees. It has to be the hottest temperatures I have play any sport in. Then add to that a golf course that requires 7 holes to carry 180 to 200 yards over water or reeds, 15 of the 18 had either water or trees or both down each side of the fairway & and 2 par 3's that required a driver to reach. As Jack Nicolas or Mark Twain once said "a good walk ruined". Enough said, and don't even ask.
AIRPORT, RENTAL CAR.
Then its back to Chicago, drop the car of at rental company only to remember I had forgotten to fill it up, rental car companies like to charge double the pump rate so $6.60 a gallon later I am on my way. Glad I didn't inform them of the scratch and dent in the oil pan, but that's another story.
Airport has about 250,000 people all trying to check in, get through bloody security, find there gate, hope its all going well and move on. This all on account that the radar had failed, there were thunderstorms and about 200 flights the previous night and through out the day had been canned. So smooth sailing for Mr. Wood, OHH NO not me, I have to get special treatment. I get selected for a special security screening, [must be my fake pass port name Akbar CamelPip MeccaMasefield HussainWood, I knew I should have taken the Fess off when I had the photo taken]. They take you aside search your bags, rub you down and you pray that no one says bend over while they are putting on a rubber glove. Needless to say I miss my flight. That's OK as they have 7 more this evening. No sir we are booked solid, I can wait-list you on the 12.20am. At this point there are two options, act like an idiot and shout, scream, even cry OR head for the bar. I chose option two.
THE BAR, THE HAKA, THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
I get to the bar to find thousands of other travellers in the same predicament. I chose a quite corner where there is a family including grand parents all having a nice time. We get talking the usual, we start laughing, drinking etc. They are on holiday and heading for a dude ranch [horse farm] the next thing I know I am being invited to come along, I don't think the banshee would be too impressed with that one eh? As we get louder we start to gather a good sized group of people, then she walks in the second women of my dreams [first spot taken by she devil, I had to say that though, really] she sees the harmless family and moves on over. Fantastic we all start talking and getting on famously, she then invites me to Rhode Island for the week end [now she who must be obeyed would seriously be unhappy], I try to come up with a compromise in that she joins us all at the dude ranch. Onto my 5th rum and some idiot in the bar says don't you Kiwi's have some war dance you are
always doing, that's all I need, next thing you know I.m up on the bar going hell for leather and giving it my all, including tongue and that's just with Miss Rhode Island, I refuse to do the new throat slitting thing as I think it is stupid. Miss Rhode Island is suitable impressed that's a real bugger, as are the dude ranchers and most of the bar. Some many hours later I am informed I am on the 9.20pm flight home, reluctantly I fly to Buffalo to connect to Toronto.
A HORSE NAMED HANK.
I arrive back in Toronto at 12.30am, fly out the door and smack straight into a horse with a policeman sitting on his back, trying not to appear to inebriated I strike up a conversation to which the horse tells me his name is Hank, nice horse, I ask him if has ever been to a dude ranch, or Rhode Island, he says no to both, we part in different ways, and I head home to Miss New Zealand and Montreal McGregor.
Cheers & love to all.
Toronto Pip
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Frank, Judy and Robert
Frank is a character and though he is about nine years older than Mac, they move at about the same pace so is the perfect walking partner for our sniffmeister!
Walks through the wooded 'dogs off lead' area of High Park and down at Cherry Beach are a treat and get us in touch with the beauty of Toronto's parks and lakefront.
Friday, May 5, 2006
Keeping it Real and Living the Dream: May 25 2006
Hi All in Aoteoroa,
Crikey its been a while, and I know you have missed me and my weekly jejune missive’s of the life & times of Toronto Pip, and his rusty [early stages of senior moments] sidekick Mississauga Juju, and the one and only [bird magnet] Montreal McGregor. So paint me red and call me rusty the absence was noted, documented and even phone calls were made, what could be the reason for the absence of said memo. Could be because nothing is happening [unlikely], or I have had writers block [some say it's a shame that my mouth doesn't follow suit], or just plain to bloody busy at work & play. But that's the way it is sometimes, some call it life, welcome to my world I say. So sit back with a beer, red wine, vanilla wine, super whine [wife] and enjoy another long winded [wife again] “the weeks that were”.
So, it’s been about 3 weeks eh. So let me recap on the main events with a little bit of light humour thrown in for superfluous value. Ooh, you just know its going to be good when I start using big words that I have no idea what they mean.
Just an insight into my wonderful world of work, travel, fun & games, the company accountant has just informed me that in the last 365 days, I have stayed in a hotel 122 times, flown 35 different airlines on 65 flights and hired 45 compact rental cars.
At a glance;
4.5 months [1/3 of the year] away.
30 airports.
10 days of flying time.
86 days in a rental car.
So as you can see its not all fun & games. Well actually it’s not that bad but sympathy is a wonderful thing, and I’m sure Mississauga Juju sees my so called business trips a cause for great enjoyment. Ju & her jessie mates get together drink and bitch about men and all that jazz.
I have endured another trip to Detroit, Michigan. Bullet proof vest and Remington at the ready, you know it’s a safe place when you walk out the door of the hotel give the doorman $1 tip only to be told I wouldn’t go passed the end of the building in either direction, no seriously. Had an important meeting with Motor City Casino, what an eye opener, 10am in the morning and it is packed, buffet is full of already large Americans eating waffles and pancakes, and not to be to rude [most unlike me] it looks like not one of them should be there or in the casino betting either. And this all on a Wednesday, bloody scary.
Then onto my famous meetings with GM [General Motors for you slow ones], through security screen 1, get given a locker where you store your gun and vest, then screen 2 where they pat you down, then up for the meeting. This is my favourite part, no holds bared in looking after a guest. Its Crispy Creme Donuts and a 2 gallon cardboard box of coffee that is yet again undrinkable, the coffee cartel [don't care as they are making millions] and their growers [who get about a cent per pound] would be ashamed. They all laugh and say things like you British are so funny with your tea? I’m from f...king New Zealand you ignorant mid-west inbred, and if George Bush is all that you can come up with its sad, and the only reason I want tea is because contrary to what you all think your coffee is crap and not everything in the USA is better or bigger than the rest of the world. Anyhow managed to secure a good two year contract with GM for all there car dealerships and travelling car show
stages.
Down to Toledo in my quest to find Clinger [M.A.S.H], its sad Toledo at one time was a great city, now it is a ghost town, almost worse than Detroit. Into Ohio for a quick lets see if our distributor is still up to it or should we find a rep, distributor 0 rep 1. This will have to wait until after my holiday. Visited the Cleveland music "Rock Hall of Fame" listed as one of the attractions one should see in life. Pretty amazing really, will take the she devil their soon.
Through Pennsylvania to see if the combine harvesters have been rolled out ready for action. They are quite fun to drive actually, but it does pay to ask first, [not allowed back in Pennsylvania for 90 days].
Then down to Buffalo where they are famous for there wings [buffalo wings, for you slow ones]. Trying to find a rep or distributor here is like the Blues scoring a try, near impossible."GO THE HURRICANES".
They do how ever have a very well recognized art gallery, wonders never cease to amaze me. Ooh look there's Niagara Falls over to the left [17 times].
As you are aware we live in a very social area of Toronto [happy & gay so to speak], and it has been suggested that my proclivity in that direction has escaped no ones attention. We’ll I can say to you that don’t knock it until you have tried it? And it still remains the only place in the world that when we go out I get the free drinks. It is also very handy for dog walking and dog day care when required.
Speaking of McGregor, he has become a bit of a celebrity. He works in the famous Toronto Cook Book store where all they sell is cook books? Celebrity chefs from all over North America & beyond come and do book signings etc. Mac has been filmed 3 or 4 times and has even been included in some photo shoots. To the dismay of the manager there are even people who come into buy books only if he is in residence. He also has some girl friends who visit and I can only thank god I whipped his knackers off [sad but true] otherwise there would already be Westiedoddles or Bichionesties running amuck.
Mum & Dad are up next week, so that will be fantastic, can't wait. So the standard Niagara Falls [18 times], then the site and sounds of Toronto, lets see if we can get Mum up the CN Tower at 535m which is still the tallest free standing structure in the world. Then Montreal to hassle the Quebec qua, especially in the old port [French quarter]. Then across to Nova Scotia to hunt down some bloke called McGregor. Down to New York for a week, museum's, shops, galleries, that will probably kill us all, and then we will take in a leisurely stroll around a golf course, while watching the US OPEN, and some Maori boy do his stuff. I do hope Tiger turns up, I can't wait to hell "BE THE BALL" on his down stroke and see what the reaction is from fellow kiwi Mike. I will take my chances with security also and do the Haka in the middle of the 18th fairway, so watch the golf on Saturday you may see me.
Any how, that's all for now, send me some of your own news, its always good to here news from Aoteoroa. I'll send a couple of photo's soon, one of me with the future Mrs Wood, and one of me & McGregor at Stratford on Avon, both looking thoroughly at wick's end with the banshee.
And just remember, "KEEP IT REAL" oh god I'm turning into a North American, however I am LIVING THE DREAM.
Love to you all,
Toronto pip
Crikey its been a while, and I know you have missed me and my weekly jejune missive’s of the life & times of Toronto Pip, and his rusty [early stages of senior moments] sidekick Mississauga Juju, and the one and only [bird magnet] Montreal McGregor. So paint me red and call me rusty the absence was noted, documented and even phone calls were made, what could be the reason for the absence of said memo. Could be because nothing is happening [unlikely], or I have had writers block [some say it's a shame that my mouth doesn't follow suit], or just plain to bloody busy at work & play. But that's the way it is sometimes, some call it life, welcome to my world I say. So sit back with a beer, red wine, vanilla wine, super whine [wife] and enjoy another long winded [wife again] “the weeks that were”.
So, it’s been about 3 weeks eh. So let me recap on the main events with a little bit of light humour thrown in for superfluous value. Ooh, you just know its going to be good when I start using big words that I have no idea what they mean.
Just an insight into my wonderful world of work, travel, fun & games, the company accountant has just informed me that in the last 365 days, I have stayed in a hotel 122 times, flown 35 different airlines on 65 flights and hired 45 compact rental cars.
At a glance;
4.5 months [1/3 of the year] away.
30 airports.
10 days of flying time.
86 days in a rental car.
So as you can see its not all fun & games. Well actually it’s not that bad but sympathy is a wonderful thing, and I’m sure Mississauga Juju sees my so called business trips a cause for great enjoyment. Ju & her jessie mates get together drink and bitch about men and all that jazz.
I have endured another trip to Detroit, Michigan. Bullet proof vest and Remington at the ready, you know it’s a safe place when you walk out the door of the hotel give the doorman $1 tip only to be told I wouldn’t go passed the end of the building in either direction, no seriously. Had an important meeting with Motor City Casino, what an eye opener, 10am in the morning and it is packed, buffet is full of already large Americans eating waffles and pancakes, and not to be to rude [most unlike me] it looks like not one of them should be there or in the casino betting either. And this all on a Wednesday, bloody scary.
Then onto my famous meetings with GM [General Motors for you slow ones], through security screen 1, get given a locker where you store your gun and vest, then screen 2 where they pat you down, then up for the meeting. This is my favourite part, no holds bared in looking after a guest. Its Crispy Creme Donuts and a 2 gallon cardboard box of coffee that is yet again undrinkable, the coffee cartel [don't care as they are making millions] and their growers [who get about a cent per pound] would be ashamed. They all laugh and say things like you British are so funny with your tea? I’m from f...king New Zealand you ignorant mid-west inbred, and if George Bush is all that you can come up with its sad, and the only reason I want tea is because contrary to what you all think your coffee is crap and not everything in the USA is better or bigger than the rest of the world. Anyhow managed to secure a good two year contract with GM for all there car dealerships and travelling car show
stages.
Down to Toledo in my quest to find Clinger [M.A.S.H], its sad Toledo at one time was a great city, now it is a ghost town, almost worse than Detroit. Into Ohio for a quick lets see if our distributor is still up to it or should we find a rep, distributor 0 rep 1. This will have to wait until after my holiday. Visited the Cleveland music "Rock Hall of Fame" listed as one of the attractions one should see in life. Pretty amazing really, will take the she devil their soon.
Through Pennsylvania to see if the combine harvesters have been rolled out ready for action. They are quite fun to drive actually, but it does pay to ask first, [not allowed back in Pennsylvania for 90 days].
Then down to Buffalo where they are famous for there wings [buffalo wings, for you slow ones]. Trying to find a rep or distributor here is like the Blues scoring a try, near impossible."GO THE HURRICANES".
They do how ever have a very well recognized art gallery, wonders never cease to amaze me. Ooh look there's Niagara Falls over to the left [17 times].
As you are aware we live in a very social area of Toronto [happy & gay so to speak], and it has been suggested that my proclivity in that direction has escaped no ones attention. We’ll I can say to you that don’t knock it until you have tried it? And it still remains the only place in the world that when we go out I get the free drinks. It is also very handy for dog walking and dog day care when required.
Speaking of McGregor, he has become a bit of a celebrity. He works in the famous Toronto Cook Book store where all they sell is cook books? Celebrity chefs from all over North America & beyond come and do book signings etc. Mac has been filmed 3 or 4 times and has even been included in some photo shoots. To the dismay of the manager there are even people who come into buy books only if he is in residence. He also has some girl friends who visit and I can only thank god I whipped his knackers off [sad but true] otherwise there would already be Westiedoddles or Bichionesties running amuck.
Mum & Dad are up next week, so that will be fantastic, can't wait. So the standard Niagara Falls [18 times], then the site and sounds of Toronto, lets see if we can get Mum up the CN Tower at 535m which is still the tallest free standing structure in the world. Then Montreal to hassle the Quebec qua, especially in the old port [French quarter]. Then across to Nova Scotia to hunt down some bloke called McGregor. Down to New York for a week, museum's, shops, galleries, that will probably kill us all, and then we will take in a leisurely stroll around a golf course, while watching the US OPEN, and some Maori boy do his stuff. I do hope Tiger turns up, I can't wait to hell "BE THE BALL" on his down stroke and see what the reaction is from fellow kiwi Mike. I will take my chances with security also and do the Haka in the middle of the 18th fairway, so watch the golf on Saturday you may see me.
Any how, that's all for now, send me some of your own news, its always good to here news from Aoteoroa. I'll send a couple of photo's soon, one of me with the future Mrs Wood, and one of me & McGregor at Stratford on Avon, both looking thoroughly at wick's end with the banshee.
And just remember, "KEEP IT REAL" oh god I'm turning into a North American, however I am LIVING THE DREAM.
Love to you all,
Toronto pip
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Flying, Driving, Rugby and other dangerous sports: April 18 2006
Hi All, I’m Baaaaack?
Happy belated Easter.
To those who have had a Birthday, sorry, “Happy Birthday”?
To those that haven’t, well I haven’t forgotten yet.
Welcome to “the weeks that were” another exciting episode & insight into the world that is Toronto Pip, & his trusty companions Mississauga Juju & Montreal McGregor.
It has been a trying 3 weeks, I have seen things I wish I hadn’t, nearly been arrested in Chicago, lost my cool with an airline employee [most unlike me], had a police escort out of a small town [after a few quite ones], flown on 7 different airlines, visited as many airports, crossed 6 states, and driven approx 2000 miles [miles not kms as they are backward up here, well in the US of A that is.]
You may have noticed that there have been a few weeks of silence; this can only be put down to a couple of things. [One], I can’t be bothered, as you are all hopeless with emails, or [Two], I have been working so bloody hard that I haven’t had time to think let alone send emails home about my fantastic, exciting and reverting adventures. You choose.
It goes a bit like this.
Week One:
Rome, Amsterdam, and Geneva. All great, except a day in each place makes for a weary traveller. The later to check out if the convention was still alive and kicking. You know the Geneva Convention. It’s all part of my world domination plans, which I must say are coming along nicely. As long as I keep the Middle East a busy hot spot everything will just fall into place. I am sure chairman Helen is all for it, especially if I ensure her a spot in line up.
You guessed it I have made it my mission that there will be a “HOOTER’S” in every continent and in every city, and it will be a requirement to visit the “TEMPLE” at least once a week and once on weekends.
When Super 12 or 14 or whatever they bloody call it now is on, as a male you will be required to attend Friday through Sunday, wife’s by appointment only, unless wearing a Hooters uniform.
All of us who don’t live in Wellington can be thank full as that is where Helen will be.
Of course scantily clad young ladies have nothing to do with it; it’s all about the wings, ribs and sports on TV.
Week Two.
Rochester, Syracuse, Utica and Albany all cities in New York State. Albany being the capitol. We drove on this trip part of the trip as it is only 10 hours there and 10 hours back?? Yes I let “she who must be obeyed” come with me [mental note, do not travel on business with wife]. This does not include Montreal McGregor who acts as a babe magnet, and has numerous other advantages. I had one blond announce to me that I must be English, no I said “I was from New Zealand” and so is McGregor, with which she asked me if he would understand her if she asked him to sit?? No joke. Dear God its no wonder they can’t organise a piss up in a brewery.
Had some very important meetings while trying to see the sights at same time. Ended up getting totally confused and telling the treasury and defence dept about my world domination plans, and the custodian of some art gallery all about how our company can help them by relieving them of heaps of money. I think on reflection that I got that one back to front.
On the way back Juju decided that we should drive up through the Adirondacks, lovely country side and of course adds two more driving hours, but also meant we circumnavigated Lake Ontario. While up in the hills we came across some Amish men cutting a tree up that had fallen in a storm. Bloody amazing, two Clydesdales and a cart, hand saws, with a tree about 5 foot thick. Then down the road came the horse drawn cart with lunch. You have to take your hat of to them, what a way to live.
After a brief conversation about chainsaws, v8’s & Hooters bars, I them told them how bloody proud of them I was, and that bloody hard work was the f….ing corner stone of life, and that they deserve a great big f…king medal.
Week Three.
Chicago, what a great town, spent Monday evening on the 95th floor of the Hancock building drinking Martinis and talking business with our Illinois distributor while watching the sun set, and the world go by, way down below.
Next day meetings, then on Tuesday late afternoon had to drive to Woodstock to meet a new sports track and sports floor agent/distributor. What a score not only is he going to be a great agent but he owns half of Woodstock, including three bars. With which we proceeded to do a mini pub crawl around for a couple or six hours. After some good old boys had a hand gun shoot up into the air competition I decided that I should make my way back to Chicago. Needless to say I was in the middle of no where and must have eaten some bad seafood. No problem, not only did he own half the town but also the police department. I managed a 45 minute police escort back to my hotel, what luck eh!
Next morning a 5 hour drive to St Louis, Missouri to meet another new rep, unfortunately she had had a death in the family and had failed to tell me, so then I drove 5 hours back to Chicago. Here the problems started!!!!
Extremely tired, I returned the rental car. Took the courtesy bus to the airport. Now picture one of the busiest airports in the world and a tired and still feeling ill [after the bad seafood] Toronto Pip, quite frankly it was a cocktail heading toward one of the Molotov kind.
Firstly, it was Wednesday late afternoon, it was a long weekend, and my ticket was for Friday evening on US Air. Calm at first I explained the situation to the lovely [albeit her eyes to close together] lady, she told me that there was one seat left on the evening flight. Great I said, with which her reply was that will be $US400 thanks. I then said but I already hold a fully paid return ticket to Buffalo from Chicago? Well it’s the last seat and policy states that I have to sell it, not re-book anyone. Still calm I pushed for the bereavement policy, no it was $400 dollars and that was that. Blood pressure rising I asked for her supervisor. She duly arrived and my case was again pitched, here it starts to get funny, no she could not put me on that flight unless I wanted to pay $400. However we can book you on Continental who have plenty of seats and will only cost $115, but what could I do, they sold me the ticket with Continental even though they were in another
terminal. Then the ripper came, [the one that sent me over the edge], after handing me the ticket she then handed me another ticket which had a credit of $275 on it for the leg of the trip that I will not be flying with them [$275 credit?????????]. I bloody exploded a credit for $275 however happy to book me on another airline and lose $275. What the hell was the point of trying to sell me a $400 ticket when you were going to credit me back the majority of the original anyway. Raised voices and a bright red complexion gained the attention of one of Chicago’s finest, it was like the movies, “sir calm down”, “sir are you trying to create a scene”, “sir if you don’t calm down I will have to shoot you”. Then he shadowed [escorted] me on the train between terminals. To top things off on this eventful day there was a 2 hour queue to get through security. I was then asked to step aside as I had been SELECTED to be searched. So another 30 min wait while they
swabbed my bag, so as required I removed my shoes, belt, jacket, coins, wallet, cell phone, wedding ring, lap top, hand bag, gun, false teeth, artificial leg, etc etc, and was duly patted down, I however enjoyed that part. Flight was great and we were early [there must be a god]. Got to Buffalo realising that I still had a 1.5 hr drive back to Toronto. Big car crash in car park so it was log jammed. Got home 2am Thursday morning after being awake for 22 hours. Up-side is that I actually got to have a break over Easter with no work.
That’s all for now, stay tuned however, as I am back in Detroit next week, so bullet proof vest and gun in hand, and then to Alaska, so red necks and crabs [the eating type you sicko's].
Love to all
Toronto Pip
Happy belated Easter.
To those who have had a Birthday, sorry, “Happy Birthday”?
To those that haven’t, well I haven’t forgotten yet.
Welcome to “the weeks that were” another exciting episode & insight into the world that is Toronto Pip, & his trusty companions Mississauga Juju & Montreal McGregor.
It has been a trying 3 weeks, I have seen things I wish I hadn’t, nearly been arrested in Chicago, lost my cool with an airline employee [most unlike me], had a police escort out of a small town [after a few quite ones], flown on 7 different airlines, visited as many airports, crossed 6 states, and driven approx 2000 miles [miles not kms as they are backward up here, well in the US of A that is.]
You may have noticed that there have been a few weeks of silence; this can only be put down to a couple of things. [One], I can’t be bothered, as you are all hopeless with emails, or [Two], I have been working so bloody hard that I haven’t had time to think let alone send emails home about my fantastic, exciting and reverting adventures. You choose.
It goes a bit like this.
Week One:
Rome, Amsterdam, and Geneva. All great, except a day in each place makes for a weary traveller. The later to check out if the convention was still alive and kicking. You know the Geneva Convention. It’s all part of my world domination plans, which I must say are coming along nicely. As long as I keep the Middle East a busy hot spot everything will just fall into place. I am sure chairman Helen is all for it, especially if I ensure her a spot in line up.
You guessed it I have made it my mission that there will be a “HOOTER’S” in every continent and in every city, and it will be a requirement to visit the “TEMPLE” at least once a week and once on weekends.
When Super 12 or 14 or whatever they bloody call it now is on, as a male you will be required to attend Friday through Sunday, wife’s by appointment only, unless wearing a Hooters uniform.
All of us who don’t live in Wellington can be thank full as that is where Helen will be.
Of course scantily clad young ladies have nothing to do with it; it’s all about the wings, ribs and sports on TV.
Week Two.
Rochester, Syracuse, Utica and Albany all cities in New York State. Albany being the capitol. We drove on this trip part of the trip as it is only 10 hours there and 10 hours back?? Yes I let “she who must be obeyed” come with me [mental note, do not travel on business with wife]. This does not include Montreal McGregor who acts as a babe magnet, and has numerous other advantages. I had one blond announce to me that I must be English, no I said “I was from New Zealand” and so is McGregor, with which she asked me if he would understand her if she asked him to sit?? No joke. Dear God its no wonder they can’t organise a piss up in a brewery.
Had some very important meetings while trying to see the sights at same time. Ended up getting totally confused and telling the treasury and defence dept about my world domination plans, and the custodian of some art gallery all about how our company can help them by relieving them of heaps of money. I think on reflection that I got that one back to front.
On the way back Juju decided that we should drive up through the Adirondacks, lovely country side and of course adds two more driving hours, but also meant we circumnavigated Lake Ontario. While up in the hills we came across some Amish men cutting a tree up that had fallen in a storm. Bloody amazing, two Clydesdales and a cart, hand saws, with a tree about 5 foot thick. Then down the road came the horse drawn cart with lunch. You have to take your hat of to them, what a way to live.
After a brief conversation about chainsaws, v8’s & Hooters bars, I them told them how bloody proud of them I was, and that bloody hard work was the f….ing corner stone of life, and that they deserve a great big f…king medal.
Week Three.
Chicago, what a great town, spent Monday evening on the 95th floor of the Hancock building drinking Martinis and talking business with our Illinois distributor while watching the sun set, and the world go by, way down below.
Next day meetings, then on Tuesday late afternoon had to drive to Woodstock to meet a new sports track and sports floor agent/distributor. What a score not only is he going to be a great agent but he owns half of Woodstock, including three bars. With which we proceeded to do a mini pub crawl around for a couple or six hours. After some good old boys had a hand gun shoot up into the air competition I decided that I should make my way back to Chicago. Needless to say I was in the middle of no where and must have eaten some bad seafood. No problem, not only did he own half the town but also the police department. I managed a 45 minute police escort back to my hotel, what luck eh!
Next morning a 5 hour drive to St Louis, Missouri to meet another new rep, unfortunately she had had a death in the family and had failed to tell me, so then I drove 5 hours back to Chicago. Here the problems started!!!!
Extremely tired, I returned the rental car. Took the courtesy bus to the airport. Now picture one of the busiest airports in the world and a tired and still feeling ill [after the bad seafood] Toronto Pip, quite frankly it was a cocktail heading toward one of the Molotov kind.
Firstly, it was Wednesday late afternoon, it was a long weekend, and my ticket was for Friday evening on US Air. Calm at first I explained the situation to the lovely [albeit her eyes to close together] lady, she told me that there was one seat left on the evening flight. Great I said, with which her reply was that will be $US400 thanks. I then said but I already hold a fully paid return ticket to Buffalo from Chicago? Well it’s the last seat and policy states that I have to sell it, not re-book anyone. Still calm I pushed for the bereavement policy, no it was $400 dollars and that was that. Blood pressure rising I asked for her supervisor. She duly arrived and my case was again pitched, here it starts to get funny, no she could not put me on that flight unless I wanted to pay $400. However we can book you on Continental who have plenty of seats and will only cost $115, but what could I do, they sold me the ticket with Continental even though they were in another
terminal. Then the ripper came, [the one that sent me over the edge], after handing me the ticket she then handed me another ticket which had a credit of $275 on it for the leg of the trip that I will not be flying with them [$275 credit?????????]. I bloody exploded a credit for $275 however happy to book me on another airline and lose $275. What the hell was the point of trying to sell me a $400 ticket when you were going to credit me back the majority of the original anyway. Raised voices and a bright red complexion gained the attention of one of Chicago’s finest, it was like the movies, “sir calm down”, “sir are you trying to create a scene”, “sir if you don’t calm down I will have to shoot you”. Then he shadowed [escorted] me on the train between terminals. To top things off on this eventful day there was a 2 hour queue to get through security. I was then asked to step aside as I had been SELECTED to be searched. So another 30 min wait while they
swabbed my bag, so as required I removed my shoes, belt, jacket, coins, wallet, cell phone, wedding ring, lap top, hand bag, gun, false teeth, artificial leg, etc etc, and was duly patted down, I however enjoyed that part. Flight was great and we were early [there must be a god]. Got to Buffalo realising that I still had a 1.5 hr drive back to Toronto. Big car crash in car park so it was log jammed. Got home 2am Thursday morning after being awake for 22 hours. Up-side is that I actually got to have a break over Easter with no work.
That’s all for now, stay tuned however, as I am back in Detroit next week, so bullet proof vest and gun in hand, and then to Alaska, so red necks and crabs [the eating type you sicko's].
Love to all
Toronto Pip
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