Hi to all,
Paint me red and call me rusty, all the girls are big
and busty. I'm back, for this I apologise?
I know you won't believe me but "Toronto Pip" actually
had writers block [yes I can here you all say its a
shame his oral orifice didn't suffer the same]. I have
tried a few times but to no avail! And my Trusty [or
should that be musty] side kick Mississauga Juju was
of no help either.
So warning to all, I'm back and I have allot to say,
some of it personal some not, so it could be a novel.
Get a coffee and chocolate biscuit, sit back and
enjoy.
Chapter One:
"Outlaw Paul & Moira" leave for NZ.
Anyway, "Outlaw Paul & Moira" left for home, there
were tears [and that was just me, see next sentence].
It was truly sad to see them go, it was fantastic to
have them here and their generosity towards us was
bloody fantastic [hence my tears]. It took me a full
day to stop Mississauga Juju from leaking [she needs
to cut back on the beer, I was lead to believe that
girls retained water]?. She really enjoyed having her
parents here, and their travelling together around
Canada will be a memory we will have forever. I only
hope "Outlaw Paul & Moira" survive the opening of
their Visa bill, so that they enjoy this memory also.
To be honest we could not have done it with out them.
So "Outlaw Moira & Paul" a huge thanks from Toronto
Pip".
Chapter Two:
"Bro Matt" [It was a birthday visit]& "Sis-outlaw
Linda" turn up.
After seeing "Outlaw Paul & Moira" off on Thursday
lunch time, Toronto Pip & Mississauga Juju only just
had time to finish dinner and I was back to the
airport Friday morning to pick up "Bro & Outlaw-Sis"
It was a short 4 night, 5 day whirl wind tour of
alcohol, food & women, [I mean drinking, eating, &
some sight seeing].
Friday up the Manu-life building to the 53rd floor bar
that gives you a bloody fantastic view of Toronto. We
scored with a clear night however the cold wind did
its best to spoil the event. After this we went to
"Hemingway's" the Kiwi owned bar, that we frequent,
"Bro & Outlaw-sis" meet the owner Marty who although
has a pony tail is a bloody fantastic bloke. He stayed
for a chat and then kindly shouted a few quiet ones.
Saturday morning cruised and went to famous St Laurent
food market. In the afternoon "Bro" shouted us all to
"the ball game" [baseball] and we watched the Toronto
Blue Jays play the Kansas City Royals. It was the
second to last game of the season, however it didn't
lack any atmosphere. We did the normal things, beer
drinking, peanut eating and shell spitting as well as
the "staple" hot-dog eating. After this it was off to
a small establishment that has 179 beers on the menu.
I have made it up #42 so far [Not in one sitting, that
would be stupid]. I believe Mum & Dad had a hand in
the financing of a few quiet ones here. I did you
proud mum & dad I paced myself and only had 8 pints
instead of my normal 10. Makes all the girls beautiful
then eh?
Sunday we went to Niagara Falls and did the tourist
bit, Bro and Sis-outlaw-law enjoyed this and I have to
say it doesn't matter how many times you see it [not
to boast but I have been to Niagara falls 10 times] it
is still a great sight. Then down to the town of
Niagara on the Lake. We had a picnic by the lake, and
did a couple of vineyards, then back to Toronto for
more food and alcohol.
Monday, shopping was the order of the day and some
other touristy things, and then a home meal with my
new world famous meatballs and sauce. You have to try
it to believe it [come on up its worth it].
Tuesday another trip to the airport and more leaking.
For the next week Ju and I sat stunned and in silence
[hard for me] wondering what the hell had just
happened. Back to our Toronto life and missing
everybody madly.
Send donations to "Save Toronto Pip" fund, C/o TD
Canada Trust Bank, Toronto, reference Toronto Pip, all
donations gratefully accepted and are tax deductible,
[at my end not yours], he he.
Chapter Three:
"Life goes on"
USA, I have managed to steer clear of bullet proof
vest and hand gun country [Detroit] but next couple of
weeks I will have to venture forth with trepidation.
Then down to Toledo.Ohio where it looks like I will
need to keep the vest handy also. Then across to
Cleveland.Ohio, fly to Chicago.Illinois, Buffalo.New
York, as they all need visiting as well. At least they
are great places to be.
Canada I also will be visiting Ottawa, Montreal,
Calgary & Vancouver so will be flat out until Xmas.
Only have six weeks as after that snow and crap
weather makes travelling a bit tricky.
We have just had Thanks Giving which was great [and
before you smart ones jump up and down, Canada has it
a month earlier than USA]. Juju made her first pumpkin
pie which they have as a desert. It kind of sounds
bizarre but it works. You have it with whipped cream &
ice-cream. [I have sent you all a piece, so beware the
squishy mail, ha-ha]
The city is building up for Xmas, all the street
lights are being wrapped in fairy lights [which has
got all the gay boys excited, with fairy lights and
all].
Still we have to get through Halloween first, bloody
hell you have never seen anything like it, the effort
that allot of families and apartments go to are
unbelievable. Ghosts, skeletons and jack-o-lanterns
everywhere up in trees on balconies suspended in
mid-air and all. And I have never seen so many huge
pumpkins in all my life.
Anyway enough about all that. I have been doing my
best to keep the world together and in harmony,
[albeit with mother nature doing her best to stuff it
right back up us], all though at times my patients
has been stretched. I thought Canada was English
French speaking, yet I still get asked on a daily
basis to repeat myself. I even had a rag-head taxi
driver the other ask me to speak English, I nearly hit
him. I gave him my best prolonged diatribe of most
excellent orating I could muster, including swear
words in my best English. He unfortunately thought I
had gone mad and was going to kill him so he called
the police. So this next little bit is from me to you
about him.
Its called fucking "Towel Heads".
I received a warning [from the police] about the use
of this politically incorrect term.
We need to be more sensitive in our choice of words
they say.
They informed me that the Islams [terrorists, who hate
our cuts and want to kill us],
Do Not like to be called "Towel Heads".
Since the item they wear on their heads is not a
towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet.
So therefore, from this point forward, please refer to
them as "LITTLE SHEET HEADS"
Also.
I boarded a flight carrying two dead raccoons
[I wanted to make a Daniel Boon Hat]
and the stewardess said "I'm sorry sir only one
carrion allowed per customer"
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one turns to the
other and says "dam".
Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.
So long for now, I hope you enjoyed.
Love to all,
Toronto Pip.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Just Surviving Here, There and Everywhere: September 27 2005
Tena ia tangate,
[Hi All],
Welcome to "the week that was". A totally whimsical,
exciting & profound look at the goings on of Toronto
Pip and his trusty [or should that be musty] sidekick
Mississauga Juju.
Well its been a busy few weeks with "outlaw Paul &
Moira" and of course that dirty four letter word
"work".
Yes the "outlaws are still here, 5 weeks realllllllly
goes fast really it does? They have been travelling
around with "Jujuknowall", this time they have been
searching out relatives in Quebec City [which is
absolutely beautiful and is just like being in France,
so I'm told] and Montreal [which is also beautiful and
the old port area is like being in France, which I
know]. However you do have to put up with the
Quebecois who make the real Frenchies look like
angels. Nothing is translated into any other language
not even road signs, even there car number plate
surrounds read "Je Me Souviens" which translated means
"I Remember". [ie. we haven't forgotten you english
bastards attacked us]? So getting back to relies
really none of Canada or North America mind you is
safe from Juju and her quest to have a relative from
everywhere. Now I have to put up with the "screaming
banshee" who's relatives fought and settled on the
very ground I currently walk and reside. Our apartment
resembles a journalists desk, with maps, genealogy
trees, photo's, maps, history stories. The madness
never ends. I keep threatening to start on my
relatives who were in Nova Scotia for a while, however
"Jujuknowalls" were there first.
I of course can't escape this madness and was over
heard yelling "stop the world I want to get off"
unfortunately this outburst was at 35,000 feet on a
flight to Chicago. After a short discussion with the
travelling "air marshal", yes they do exist, not
helped with me wanting to see his weapon [gun you
sicko, I haven't gone that way yet], so I spent the
rest of the flight handcuffed to my seat. Which made
it very hard to drink my Bloody Mary while searching
for a virgin called Mary, I mean I was flying Virgin
Air and the hostess was called Mary.
They released me once I pleaded, explained that the
"outlaws" had been here for 4 weeks, my blood pressure
pills weren't working,
and obey-one-wive-only [this is a star wars fantasy of
mine, with Princess Lay-her] and that "she who must be
obeyed" was tracking her geological history [not
helped by me explaining that who cares as it was 100's
of years ago and they are dead anyway, which is what
I'll be if I keep that approach going].
Speaking of pills I got them mixed up the other night
while in my hotel room after realising that I was in
Chicago on my own and away from my "living hell" [its
not that bad really], sense's heightened by the fact
that the hotel I stay at is also used by airline crew
[including Mary from Virgin, who definitely isn't],
and not to mention I had had a few quiet rums. So
instead of taking my blood pressure pills I took
Viagra. So I spent the whole night with a raging I
mean racing heart, there was one benefit though and
that was that there was absolutely no chance of me
falling out of bed???
I'll give you a run down on my week, so you can feel
for me and then there will be an outpouring of
sympathy and many donations to the save the "Toronto
Pip Fund".
Monday.
Morning, Toronto, work.
Afternoon, fly Detroit, couple of meetings.
Evening, fly to Chicago.
Tuesday. Chicago.
Morning, meetings, driving around central city
architects etc.
Afternoon, as above.
Evening, hotel bar, airline hostesses, dinner etc etc.
Wednesday.
Morning, meetings. Driving around flooring contractors
which make Hills Flooring's look like a small
non-event.
Afternoon as above.
Evening, fly to Detroit, back to Toronto.
Walk in door at home 2.30am Thursday [no wife, busy
chasing dead people].
Thursday,
AM. Collect McGregor from his best friends house, all
day in office.
Friday,
AM. Office.
PM. McGregor & I drive to Montreal [545km in 4hrs]
YeeHaaaaaaaaaaa you got to love the straight roads and
130km speed limit [unofficial]. Great hotel in middle
of Montreal [thanks "outlaw Moira & Paul"
Saturday,
ARRRRRGGGGGG WE VISITED ANOTHER BLOODY LAKE. Well
actually and technically it is the St-Laurent seaway
which runs from the Atlantic to lake Ontario, [I said
to Juju that if she really wants to track the
ancestor's she should do this in a kayak]. My life
expectancy shortened once again, getting very good at
sleeping with one eye open?
Stayed in another magnificent B&B, when we get back to
NZ [3 years] we are seriously thinking of opening one.
That's all for now, Matt & Linda [brother &
Sister-in-law] are here on Friday. So that will be a
good reason & grounds for a big night on the truth
serum, and needless to say ammunition for the next
"week that was".
So bye for now, I know you all miss me, oh I'm getting
all teary eyed, [eh right, tui add]
Love to all
Toronto Pip.
[Hi All],
Welcome to "the week that was". A totally whimsical,
exciting & profound look at the goings on of Toronto
Pip and his trusty [or should that be musty] sidekick
Mississauga Juju.
Well its been a busy few weeks with "outlaw Paul &
Moira" and of course that dirty four letter word
"work".
Yes the "outlaws are still here, 5 weeks realllllllly
goes fast really it does? They have been travelling
around with "Jujuknowall", this time they have been
searching out relatives in Quebec City [which is
absolutely beautiful and is just like being in France,
so I'm told] and Montreal [which is also beautiful and
the old port area is like being in France, which I
know]. However you do have to put up with the
Quebecois who make the real Frenchies look like
angels. Nothing is translated into any other language
not even road signs, even there car number plate
surrounds read "Je Me Souviens" which translated means
"I Remember". [ie. we haven't forgotten you english
bastards attacked us]? So getting back to relies
really none of Canada or North America mind you is
safe from Juju and her quest to have a relative from
everywhere. Now I have to put up with the "screaming
banshee" who's relatives fought and settled on the
very ground I currently walk and reside. Our apartment
resembles a journalists desk, with maps, genealogy
trees, photo's, maps, history stories. The madness
never ends. I keep threatening to start on my
relatives who were in Nova Scotia for a while, however
"Jujuknowalls" were there first.
I of course can't escape this madness and was over
heard yelling "stop the world I want to get off"
unfortunately this outburst was at 35,000 feet on a
flight to Chicago. After a short discussion with the
travelling "air marshal", yes they do exist, not
helped with me wanting to see his weapon [gun you
sicko, I haven't gone that way yet], so I spent the
rest of the flight handcuffed to my seat. Which made
it very hard to drink my Bloody Mary while searching
for a virgin called Mary, I mean I was flying Virgin
Air and the hostess was called Mary.
They released me once I pleaded, explained that the
"outlaws" had been here for 4 weeks, my blood pressure
pills weren't working,
and obey-one-wive-only [this is a star wars fantasy of
mine, with Princess Lay-her] and that "she who must be
obeyed" was tracking her geological history [not
helped by me explaining that who cares as it was 100's
of years ago and they are dead anyway, which is what
I'll be if I keep that approach going].
Speaking of pills I got them mixed up the other night
while in my hotel room after realising that I was in
Chicago on my own and away from my "living hell" [its
not that bad really], sense's heightened by the fact
that the hotel I stay at is also used by airline crew
[including Mary from Virgin, who definitely isn't],
and not to mention I had had a few quiet rums. So
instead of taking my blood pressure pills I took
Viagra. So I spent the whole night with a raging I
mean racing heart, there was one benefit though and
that was that there was absolutely no chance of me
falling out of bed???
I'll give you a run down on my week, so you can feel
for me and then there will be an outpouring of
sympathy and many donations to the save the "Toronto
Pip Fund".
Monday.
Morning, Toronto, work.
Afternoon, fly Detroit, couple of meetings.
Evening, fly to Chicago.
Tuesday. Chicago.
Morning, meetings, driving around central city
architects etc.
Afternoon, as above.
Evening, hotel bar, airline hostesses, dinner etc etc.
Wednesday.
Morning, meetings. Driving around flooring contractors
which make Hills Flooring's look like a small
non-event.
Afternoon as above.
Evening, fly to Detroit, back to Toronto.
Walk in door at home 2.30am Thursday [no wife, busy
chasing dead people].
Thursday,
AM. Collect McGregor from his best friends house, all
day in office.
Friday,
AM. Office.
PM. McGregor & I drive to Montreal [545km in 4hrs]
YeeHaaaaaaaaaaa you got to love the straight roads and
130km speed limit [unofficial]. Great hotel in middle
of Montreal [thanks "outlaw Moira & Paul"
Saturday,
ARRRRRGGGGGG WE VISITED ANOTHER BLOODY LAKE. Well
actually and technically it is the St-Laurent seaway
which runs from the Atlantic to lake Ontario, [I said
to Juju that if she really wants to track the
ancestor's she should do this in a kayak]. My life
expectancy shortened once again, getting very good at
sleeping with one eye open?
Stayed in another magnificent B&B, when we get back to
NZ [3 years] we are seriously thinking of opening one.
That's all for now, Matt & Linda [brother &
Sister-in-law] are here on Friday. So that will be a
good reason & grounds for a big night on the truth
serum, and needless to say ammunition for the next
"week that was".
So bye for now, I know you all miss me, oh I'm getting
all teary eyed, [eh right, tui add]
Love to all
Toronto Pip.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Outlaws at Niagara and other places: September 13 2005
Hi All,
From The Winter-less North, that is Toronto, welcome
to "the week that was".
Another action packed, enchanting, riveting and
totally absorbing adventure of Toronto Pip and his
trusty [or should that be busty] side-kick [its better
than drop-kick] Mississauga Juju. Plus the temporary
[thank god] appearance of the "Outlaws", dan dan dan
dannnnn [picture this with dramatic music].
The mention of the winter-less north, has been thrown
in early on as normally talking about the weather is
both boring and generally puts people to sleep. I
don't mean to harp on but when will the heat stop???
Its hovering around the early 30's still, and quite
frankly I just wish it would piss of and start
snowing, however you have to be careful of what
company you are in when you mention this, as some
Ontarians take it all a bit seriously.
Well the "outlaws" have been here for two weeks [feels
like months], and its been amazing [really it is], its
amazing that there hasn't been a murder. Anyway Ju and
the "outlaws" have been exploring Toronto during the
day, then after work tour guide "Toronto Pip" kicks
in, this makes for some interesting, relaxing &
tranquil trips in the car during rush hour when 2
million people are trying to get home, [quick pass the
pepto bismol, or should that be pips-live-is-dismal].
Well on Friday we went to Niagara on the Lake, this is
a small town about 15-20 mins from the actual falls.
It is an absolutely stunning setting, with grand old
things everywhere [and not just "outlaw Paul & Moira"
but the "evil witch" also] I mean all colonial houses,
and the main street and its flowers are spectacular
[oh god I've caught outlawitis, send help, send money,
send anything, send something].
We stayed at a 200 hundred year old B&B which was just
out of town, in a peach orchard and next to all the
Niagara vineyards [good eh]. We were allowed to take
McGregor which was good and he and the farm dog Max
the Alsatian got on well, not so good with the
farmhouse pussy [cat, you sicko] Hannibal, at least I
think it was a cat, it was this Hairy & Fluffy thing
that moved from time to time. It certainly wasn't a
hairless chawawa, or a fine haired Siamese [like all
pussies should be??].
Friday afternoon [late] we drove 15 mins to the falls
[Niagara Falls you slow ones], you know just popped in
to have a look and watch the sun go down. Then back
into town for dinner.
Saturday we hit the vineyards, [the 3 major ones]. I
of course gravitated, no headed straight to the
tasting rooms, while "she devil" as per usual got to
know all about the architecture, the wine, the people,
etc etc. Me with all the tact in the world put on an
Aussie accent, and behaved like Russel Crowe, and
explained that they had no idea how to make red wine &
which tasting room is free. I had to be careful though
as the drink drive laws up here are pretty strict [You
can't drive home slightly tipsy [blind drunk] like
back at home.
Then Saturday afternoon we headed back towards the
falls, and walked around the botanical gardens, [help
me please], then to the butterfly house [really, help
me]. It was actually astonishingly beautiful, and I
have never seen butterfly's like it, and some of the
moths were the size of a football [helllllpppppp
meeeeeeee].
I got severely reprimanded in the gift shop when I
announced why in hell did they not sell butterfly nets
or bug spray?
Then back to Niagara Falls, [why, because we could]?
Then around the river and up to look at Lake Eerie and
over the Peace Bridge to Buffalo USA, big mistake,
there had been some Hispanic march or something so I
had to call into the local gun store and buy "the
banshee" & "outlaws" bullet proof vests, then teach
"outlaw Paul" how to use the Beretta and "outlaw
Moira" the pump action shotty while I zig zagged our
way back to the Rainbow Bridge and back onto Canadian
soil [thank god].
Then back to Toronto. "Outlaw & Ju have gone up to
P.E.I [Price Edward Island] Anne of Green Gables
country, "outlaw Paul's" ancestors came from there so
good for Paul and of course he has the walking
encyclopedia [she who knows all] Juju with him, so
they should have a great time.
I of course am batching for 4 days with McGregor [what
can we get up to???]. So he and I will walk the
streets trying to spot actors. We have the Toronto
Film Festival" in town so there are celeb's
everywhere. I have so far en counted [seen up
close]Pierce Bronson [looks alright], Madonna [not
flash in the flesh], Val Kilmer [you girls would like
him], and Charlize Theron [oh yer baby, huminer
huminer].
So I will use the next few days to relax and catch up
with some sleep [yer right]
Anyway that's all for now, I am of to Chicago [on my
own] again next week as well as Montreal with the
"outlaws", and then the following week to Calgary and
Edmonton, Alberta and if I can fit it in Vancouver. So
that will make for some good up and coming issues of
"the week that was".
Love to all,
Toronto Pip
From The Winter-less North, that is Toronto, welcome
to "the week that was".
Another action packed, enchanting, riveting and
totally absorbing adventure of Toronto Pip and his
trusty [or should that be busty] side-kick [its better
than drop-kick] Mississauga Juju. Plus the temporary
[thank god] appearance of the "Outlaws", dan dan dan
dannnnn [picture this with dramatic music].
The mention of the winter-less north, has been thrown
in early on as normally talking about the weather is
both boring and generally puts people to sleep. I
don't mean to harp on but when will the heat stop???
Its hovering around the early 30's still, and quite
frankly I just wish it would piss of and start
snowing, however you have to be careful of what
company you are in when you mention this, as some
Ontarians take it all a bit seriously.
Well the "outlaws" have been here for two weeks [feels
like months], and its been amazing [really it is], its
amazing that there hasn't been a murder. Anyway Ju and
the "outlaws" have been exploring Toronto during the
day, then after work tour guide "Toronto Pip" kicks
in, this makes for some interesting, relaxing &
tranquil trips in the car during rush hour when 2
million people are trying to get home, [quick pass the
pepto bismol, or should that be pips-live-is-dismal].
Well on Friday we went to Niagara on the Lake, this is
a small town about 15-20 mins from the actual falls.
It is an absolutely stunning setting, with grand old
things everywhere [and not just "outlaw Paul & Moira"
but the "evil witch" also] I mean all colonial houses,
and the main street and its flowers are spectacular
[oh god I've caught outlawitis, send help, send money,
send anything, send something].
We stayed at a 200 hundred year old B&B which was just
out of town, in a peach orchard and next to all the
Niagara vineyards [good eh]. We were allowed to take
McGregor which was good and he and the farm dog Max
the Alsatian got on well, not so good with the
farmhouse pussy [cat, you sicko] Hannibal, at least I
think it was a cat, it was this Hairy & Fluffy thing
that moved from time to time. It certainly wasn't a
hairless chawawa, or a fine haired Siamese [like all
pussies should be??].
Friday afternoon [late] we drove 15 mins to the falls
[Niagara Falls you slow ones], you know just popped in
to have a look and watch the sun go down. Then back
into town for dinner.
Saturday we hit the vineyards, [the 3 major ones]. I
of course gravitated, no headed straight to the
tasting rooms, while "she devil" as per usual got to
know all about the architecture, the wine, the people,
etc etc. Me with all the tact in the world put on an
Aussie accent, and behaved like Russel Crowe, and
explained that they had no idea how to make red wine &
which tasting room is free. I had to be careful though
as the drink drive laws up here are pretty strict [You
can't drive home slightly tipsy [blind drunk] like
back at home.
Then Saturday afternoon we headed back towards the
falls, and walked around the botanical gardens, [help
me please], then to the butterfly house [really, help
me]. It was actually astonishingly beautiful, and I
have never seen butterfly's like it, and some of the
moths were the size of a football [helllllpppppp
meeeeeeee].
I got severely reprimanded in the gift shop when I
announced why in hell did they not sell butterfly nets
or bug spray?
Then back to Niagara Falls, [why, because we could]?
Then around the river and up to look at Lake Eerie and
over the Peace Bridge to Buffalo USA, big mistake,
there had been some Hispanic march or something so I
had to call into the local gun store and buy "the
banshee" & "outlaws" bullet proof vests, then teach
"outlaw Paul" how to use the Beretta and "outlaw
Moira" the pump action shotty while I zig zagged our
way back to the Rainbow Bridge and back onto Canadian
soil [thank god].
Then back to Toronto. "Outlaw & Ju have gone up to
P.E.I [Price Edward Island] Anne of Green Gables
country, "outlaw Paul's" ancestors came from there so
good for Paul and of course he has the walking
encyclopedia [she who knows all] Juju with him, so
they should have a great time.
I of course am batching for 4 days with McGregor [what
can we get up to???]. So he and I will walk the
streets trying to spot actors. We have the Toronto
Film Festival" in town so there are celeb's
everywhere. I have so far en counted [seen up
close]Pierce Bronson [looks alright], Madonna [not
flash in the flesh], Val Kilmer [you girls would like
him], and Charlize Theron [oh yer baby, huminer
huminer].
So I will use the next few days to relax and catch up
with some sleep [yer right]
Anyway that's all for now, I am of to Chicago [on my
own] again next week as well as Montreal with the
"outlaws", and then the following week to Calgary and
Edmonton, Alberta and if I can fit it in Vancouver. So
that will make for some good up and coming issues of
"the week that was".
Love to all,
Toronto Pip
Monday, September 5, 2005
The In-laws in town: September 7 2005
Hi All,
Welcome to another "the week that was", full of the
enthralling, exciting, and the sometimes unbelievable
adventures of Toronto Pip and his trusty [or should
that be crusty] side-kick Mississauga Juju.
As you may be aware I have the "outlaws" [parents in
law for you slow ones] up here visiting, so as you can
imagine I am on my best behaviour, "yer right". With
the oldies up here, as well as Juju's parents, the
touring around is a bit interesting, early dinners,
mashed food, loud talking [I've never had a problem in
that department] etc, and that's just for Julie, it
makes for some interesting evenings. I was going to
take Paul to he "Brass Rail" [a quality
establishment], however I didn't want to have a heart
attack on my hands so canned that tour.
As you are probably all aware on the 2nd of Sept I
turned over yet another year [with another year some
hoped that I would grow up, mature, etc, however that
just seems so boring]. For those of you who
remembered, thank you for your emails, kind words, and
caring anecdotes etc. For those of you who didn't, you
should be ashamed of yourselves, however you can
redeem all by sending a substantial donation to the
Toronto Pip Fund [a none profit organisation set up
for re-hydration [drinking], meeting new acquaintances
[chasing local wildlife], food distribution [eating],
fitness [watching sport at the local bar]. All
donations are tax deductible and can be sent to the TD
Canadian Trust Bank Toronto, [just use Toronto Pip as
the reference, they know who I am].
As I have always said;
" Life should not be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body"
"But rather to Skid in sideways, Rum in one hand,
Viagra in the other, body thoroughly worn out and
screaming "yee ha" WHAT A RIDE!
We just had our last long weekend for the year which
means we are on the downward slide into winter and yes
you guessed it, we went to a lake [yes a lake] for the
weekend. We drove north with the "outlaws" and went up
to the well known "Muskoka area" [cottage country] as
we drove I acted as tour guide pointing out points of
interest on the way [blonds, brunettes, etc], as well
as noting the Canadian wildlife [blonds, redheads,
etc]. Needless to say "outlaw Paul" enjoyed this very
much.
We stayed at a very nice place right on "Gull Lake"
yes another ....... lake! "Outlaw Moira" enjoyed this.
We took a lake tour of "Muskoka" on an old steam
vessel, a "grand old girl with great heritage" the
boat had some history as well.
I of course made straight for the engine room and made
friends with the engineer and set about giving him
pointers and advise on how to make the steam engine
more efficient, more powerful, more steamy? The guy
who stoked the fire was not impressed with my asking
if it was hot enough for him, or should we throw a few
more shovels of coal on for good measure. The scary
thing was that "she who must be obeyed" didn't even
break a sweat????
Then I made my way up to the bridge to ask if I could
take the wheel, dock it back at the wharf. I flashed
my New Zealand drivers license to make as if I was
officially a steam boat driver, after some discussion
we all agreed that the police would sort it all out
when we got back to port.
It didn't help matters when I went "forward" [that's a
boat term] and did my Titanic impersonation hanging of
the "bow" [another nautical term] and yelled "I'm on
top of the world" I explained to the police that it
was my birthday yesterday, and that I was touring with
the "banshee" [wife] and the "outlaws", this was a
BIG mistake as the police automatically realised I was
obviously delusional as anyone touring with his "wife"
and the "outlaws" could NOT be on top of the world.
We then travelled further north, past more ..... lakes
to "Algonquin National Park" unbelievable mass of land
with the most fantastic wildlife [actual]
conservation, canoeing etc.
I went bear hunting [or was that beer hunting] all I
could come up with was a chipmunk and a skunk
[unfortunately not a skank] [ask a young person you
oldies]??
Then we looked for some Moose, I am kind of glad we
didn't find one as they are huge animals. Its no
wonder you are kind of buggered if you hit one. I'll
send some photos if I can soon.
The park had an amazing visitors centre which
explained the history of the park, had great displays,
etc. We also had a great bush walk.
Then down to another lake called "Scugog". The
township is wonderful and has great shops etc, its the
only place that has shops like home.
Then down to Lake Ontario where I had a swim next to
the nuclear power plant. If I start to develop extra
body parts I'll send photo's and leave them to
science. Then back to Toronto for some well earned
rest. And back to work after a relaxing weekend.
This week Thursday I have to go to Chicago so I will
drive the "she devil & the "outlaws" to Niagara and
then fly from Buffalo to Chicago. Then join them for
Friday night, then on Saturday visit "Marine Land"
where they have Orca's you can kiss and Beluga Whales.
I may have a nudge at going over the falls in a
barrel, there is good money in it if you survive. So
that will be some ammunition for the next week that
was.
Catch up with you all soon.
Love
Toronto Pip
Welcome to another "the week that was", full of the
enthralling, exciting, and the sometimes unbelievable
adventures of Toronto Pip and his trusty [or should
that be crusty] side-kick Mississauga Juju.
As you may be aware I have the "outlaws" [parents in
law for you slow ones] up here visiting, so as you can
imagine I am on my best behaviour, "yer right". With
the oldies up here, as well as Juju's parents, the
touring around is a bit interesting, early dinners,
mashed food, loud talking [I've never had a problem in
that department] etc, and that's just for Julie, it
makes for some interesting evenings. I was going to
take Paul to he "Brass Rail" [a quality
establishment], however I didn't want to have a heart
attack on my hands so canned that tour.
As you are probably all aware on the 2nd of Sept I
turned over yet another year [with another year some
hoped that I would grow up, mature, etc, however that
just seems so boring]. For those of you who
remembered, thank you for your emails, kind words, and
caring anecdotes etc. For those of you who didn't, you
should be ashamed of yourselves, however you can
redeem all by sending a substantial donation to the
Toronto Pip Fund [a none profit organisation set up
for re-hydration [drinking], meeting new acquaintances
[chasing local wildlife], food distribution [eating],
fitness [watching sport at the local bar]. All
donations are tax deductible and can be sent to the TD
Canadian Trust Bank Toronto, [just use Toronto Pip as
the reference, they know who I am].
As I have always said;
" Life should not be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body"
"But rather to Skid in sideways, Rum in one hand,
Viagra in the other, body thoroughly worn out and
screaming "yee ha" WHAT A RIDE!
We just had our last long weekend for the year which
means we are on the downward slide into winter and yes
you guessed it, we went to a lake [yes a lake] for the
weekend. We drove north with the "outlaws" and went up
to the well known "Muskoka area" [cottage country] as
we drove I acted as tour guide pointing out points of
interest on the way [blonds, brunettes, etc], as well
as noting the Canadian wildlife [blonds, redheads,
etc]. Needless to say "outlaw Paul" enjoyed this very
much.
We stayed at a very nice place right on "Gull Lake"
yes another ....... lake! "Outlaw Moira" enjoyed this.
We took a lake tour of "Muskoka" on an old steam
vessel, a "grand old girl with great heritage" the
boat had some history as well.
I of course made straight for the engine room and made
friends with the engineer and set about giving him
pointers and advise on how to make the steam engine
more efficient, more powerful, more steamy? The guy
who stoked the fire was not impressed with my asking
if it was hot enough for him, or should we throw a few
more shovels of coal on for good measure. The scary
thing was that "she who must be obeyed" didn't even
break a sweat????
Then I made my way up to the bridge to ask if I could
take the wheel, dock it back at the wharf. I flashed
my New Zealand drivers license to make as if I was
officially a steam boat driver, after some discussion
we all agreed that the police would sort it all out
when we got back to port.
It didn't help matters when I went "forward" [that's a
boat term] and did my Titanic impersonation hanging of
the "bow" [another nautical term] and yelled "I'm on
top of the world" I explained to the police that it
was my birthday yesterday, and that I was touring with
the "banshee" [wife] and the "outlaws", this was a
BIG mistake as the police automatically realised I was
obviously delusional as anyone touring with his "wife"
and the "outlaws" could NOT be on top of the world.
We then travelled further north, past more ..... lakes
to "Algonquin National Park" unbelievable mass of land
with the most fantastic wildlife [actual]
conservation, canoeing etc.
I went bear hunting [or was that beer hunting] all I
could come up with was a chipmunk and a skunk
[unfortunately not a skank] [ask a young person you
oldies]??
Then we looked for some Moose, I am kind of glad we
didn't find one as they are huge animals. Its no
wonder you are kind of buggered if you hit one. I'll
send some photos if I can soon.
The park had an amazing visitors centre which
explained the history of the park, had great displays,
etc. We also had a great bush walk.
Then down to another lake called "Scugog". The
township is wonderful and has great shops etc, its the
only place that has shops like home.
Then down to Lake Ontario where I had a swim next to
the nuclear power plant. If I start to develop extra
body parts I'll send photo's and leave them to
science. Then back to Toronto for some well earned
rest. And back to work after a relaxing weekend.
This week Thursday I have to go to Chicago so I will
drive the "she devil & the "outlaws" to Niagara and
then fly from Buffalo to Chicago. Then join them for
Friday night, then on Saturday visit "Marine Land"
where they have Orca's you can kiss and Beluga Whales.
I may have a nudge at going over the falls in a
barrel, there is good money in it if you survive. So
that will be some ammunition for the next week that
was.
Catch up with you all soon.
Love
Toronto Pip
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
She Devil does it again and Indy comes to town : July 12 2005
Hi All,
We'll paint me red and call me rusty,[all the girls
are slim and busty].
I know that its cold [like you know what cold is] and
that its raining & raining [I haven't seen any rain
here since I arrived] but I'm going to have to say it,
shit it's hot here.
We are in another heat wave with the most unbelievable
humidity & heat. The rest of this weeks forecast is
for 35 plus and with the humidity it gets into the
40's. The whole month of July is going to be the same.
[The up side is again the lack of clothing, Toronto is
the capital of the short skirt, [no not mini, shorter]
all good really.
I won't go on but your welcome to it [the weather that
is].
Its been a very busy few weeks for all involved up
here, that's why "the week that was" is running a bit
late [plus your lack of interest & replay's]. Its kind
of hard to know where to start [I will try and keep it
short, not bloody likely].
Now Ju is out of the penitentiary [no thanks to the
save the "Toronto Pip" fund, not very impressed with
the lack of donations]. By order of Pip she is not
allowed to drive, as our insurance is now $1000 per
month.
Now she is trying to give me a heart attack [and not
just with the heat and all the jiggy jiggy] but with
talk of getting a job [oh look there's a pig flying
past the window].
Moira & Paul [Ju's parents] are coming up for the
month of September and we can't wait to see friendly
family & known faces [oh and its my birthday on the
2nd Sept, Moira & Paul??]
I can't see anything happening before that [with the
job thingy that is, will keep you posted].
However she is painting again and its all good stuff
[more of the Maori series, which I have been blessing
with a naked Pip war dance so its all kosher, this
along with the Haka has generally kept the apartment
building across the way more than occupied] Even naked
guy has given up as he can't compete with that [and
the Haka].
"She who must be obeyed" has been looking at doing
some Inuit [or aborigines as they call them up here,
local indian art, oh dare god help me],
"She Devil" is also building a web-site. As soon as
its up we will let you all know [the web-site that is,
sicko].
We are off to Montreal on Wednesday [I think I can
squeeze a few days work in] so of course the whole
damn family will come for the ride [its great how you
can take your dogs everywhere hotels etc], it makes
taking the whole family on business a pleasure [yeah
really it does, promise].
Ju is going up to the cottage for a girls weekend [I
have requested photo's, if you know what I mean?] Yes
the cottage, sweetie darling, pop the bubble Patsy, it
didn't take her long to get into that scene.
I of course will be having a boys weekend at home in
Toronto [boys weekend takes on a whole new meaning in
our neighbourhood, there won't be any photo's here]. I
will take McGregor for a walk in the posh part of town
and try and look lost & sad and see if I can't get an
invite to a f...ing cottage myself.
The rugby was great to watch, we couldn't get it live
at home, but were only an hour or so behind so not so
bad, [I have had great fun pointing out to the poms
around here what the scores have been].
And yes it was a tackle with no arms, but you need to
harden up and understand, [that it is a form of
polynesian massage].
And they need to harden up, [yes, Tana does look like
the predator {from the movie}] however they should be
grateful we haven't got a whole team of him, [oh shit
we nearly do].
So just harden up and head back to Brittan, bleat,
moan, cry foul [whoops I just dropped the soap, don't
do that Sir Clive its most unhygienic, tally ho with
lashings of ginger beer rah rah, jolly old hockey
sticks Johnny.
Haven't had biff yet but am looking forward to the
opportunity, its been a while. [variety is the spice
of live, or so I keep telling the she devil]. Have
joined the local Rugby club and can't wait to run on
for the Toronto Nomads [or is it the Toronto I must be
mads] may even take on a junior team and help out,
we'll see.
Ju's new nickname is drop-crash [she has managed to
drop and smash most of our stuff we bought up from NZ,
she is however very sad about this] today she dropped
the jug with which we make our iced tea [yes iced tea,
we drink ice tea , you have a problem with it, then
bring it on].
Then tonight she dropped the bottle of wine [you can
imagine my reaction, it was like someone had shot me]
we had just bought [a fruity little french white] well
2 litres actually, needless to say McGregor was most
upset when I hit the deck and started to drink [I
think he thought I as after his dinner].
Oh yes, for those of you at the local back home,
especially you Euan, I have broken the no hands
drinking record, a stonking 8 seconds with a pint of
"The Gold" Killkenny's. [for those who don't know,
this consists of sculling a pint with your hands
behind your back and you have to pick the glass up
with your teeth only and scull, with no spillage. I
have become quite a hit at "Scallywags" and am trying
to sell the rights. It will be a TV show before you
know it, Toronto Pip presents "Beer Factor" [Mum you
must be proud].
There is a local here who can do a 2 second with hands
scull but he is a pom and has to harden up, he can't
get to grips with my method.
Crikey, its past 10.30pm and the sun just went down
[well it will be back at 4.30am] so can't f...king
wait, more heat.
We had the Indy car race here in Toronto this weekend,
what a show, what a race, what a noise, and the F18
fly by was just insane. They came over the top at
about 500 ft, [just about crapped my self] you just
hear this distant scream/whistle then the next thing
they are over you and BOOM they are gone with
afterburners glowing red. You could tune into there
radio chatter which made for enlightening listening.
Picture this, They came over us downtown Toronto and
within 2 mins were at Niagara 200 plus K's away, then
they turned back, blasted past us again and 5 mins
later 400km were back home in Ottawa in time to crack
a Molson and watch the start of the race.
It was so hot which was probably why all the young
ladies were decked out in body paint, [oh I think you
are getting burnt, would you like me to rub lotion on
those]. We had great day, even petrol head Juju.
That's all for now, so come on you guys give me a
little heads up on whats happening back with you in
Gods Own.
Love to all,
Toronto Pip.
We'll paint me red and call me rusty,[all the girls
are slim and busty].
I know that its cold [like you know what cold is] and
that its raining & raining [I haven't seen any rain
here since I arrived] but I'm going to have to say it,
shit it's hot here.
We are in another heat wave with the most unbelievable
humidity & heat. The rest of this weeks forecast is
for 35 plus and with the humidity it gets into the
40's. The whole month of July is going to be the same.
[The up side is again the lack of clothing, Toronto is
the capital of the short skirt, [no not mini, shorter]
all good really.
I won't go on but your welcome to it [the weather that
is].
Its been a very busy few weeks for all involved up
here, that's why "the week that was" is running a bit
late [plus your lack of interest & replay's]. Its kind
of hard to know where to start [I will try and keep it
short, not bloody likely].
Now Ju is out of the penitentiary [no thanks to the
save the "Toronto Pip" fund, not very impressed with
the lack of donations]. By order of Pip she is not
allowed to drive, as our insurance is now $1000 per
month.
Now she is trying to give me a heart attack [and not
just with the heat and all the jiggy jiggy] but with
talk of getting a job [oh look there's a pig flying
past the window].
Moira & Paul [Ju's parents] are coming up for the
month of September and we can't wait to see friendly
family & known faces [oh and its my birthday on the
2nd Sept, Moira & Paul??]
I can't see anything happening before that [with the
job thingy that is, will keep you posted].
However she is painting again and its all good stuff
[more of the Maori series, which I have been blessing
with a naked Pip war dance so its all kosher, this
along with the Haka has generally kept the apartment
building across the way more than occupied] Even naked
guy has given up as he can't compete with that [and
the Haka].
"She who must be obeyed" has been looking at doing
some Inuit [or aborigines as they call them up here,
local indian art, oh dare god help me],
"She Devil" is also building a web-site. As soon as
its up we will let you all know [the web-site that is,
sicko].
We are off to Montreal on Wednesday [I think I can
squeeze a few days work in] so of course the whole
damn family will come for the ride [its great how you
can take your dogs everywhere hotels etc], it makes
taking the whole family on business a pleasure [yeah
really it does, promise].
Ju is going up to the cottage for a girls weekend [I
have requested photo's, if you know what I mean?] Yes
the cottage, sweetie darling, pop the bubble Patsy, it
didn't take her long to get into that scene.
I of course will be having a boys weekend at home in
Toronto [boys weekend takes on a whole new meaning in
our neighbourhood, there won't be any photo's here]. I
will take McGregor for a walk in the posh part of town
and try and look lost & sad and see if I can't get an
invite to a f...ing cottage myself.
The rugby was great to watch, we couldn't get it live
at home, but were only an hour or so behind so not so
bad, [I have had great fun pointing out to the poms
around here what the scores have been].
And yes it was a tackle with no arms, but you need to
harden up and understand, [that it is a form of
polynesian massage].
And they need to harden up, [yes, Tana does look like
the predator {from the movie}] however they should be
grateful we haven't got a whole team of him, [oh shit
we nearly do].
So just harden up and head back to Brittan, bleat,
moan, cry foul [whoops I just dropped the soap, don't
do that Sir Clive its most unhygienic, tally ho with
lashings of ginger beer rah rah, jolly old hockey
sticks Johnny.
Haven't had biff yet but am looking forward to the
opportunity, its been a while. [variety is the spice
of live, or so I keep telling the she devil]. Have
joined the local Rugby club and can't wait to run on
for the Toronto Nomads [or is it the Toronto I must be
mads] may even take on a junior team and help out,
we'll see.
Ju's new nickname is drop-crash [she has managed to
drop and smash most of our stuff we bought up from NZ,
she is however very sad about this] today she dropped
the jug with which we make our iced tea [yes iced tea,
we drink ice tea , you have a problem with it, then
bring it on].
Then tonight she dropped the bottle of wine [you can
imagine my reaction, it was like someone had shot me]
we had just bought [a fruity little french white] well
2 litres actually, needless to say McGregor was most
upset when I hit the deck and started to drink [I
think he thought I as after his dinner].
Oh yes, for those of you at the local back home,
especially you Euan, I have broken the no hands
drinking record, a stonking 8 seconds with a pint of
"The Gold" Killkenny's. [for those who don't know,
this consists of sculling a pint with your hands
behind your back and you have to pick the glass up
with your teeth only and scull, with no spillage. I
have become quite a hit at "Scallywags" and am trying
to sell the rights. It will be a TV show before you
know it, Toronto Pip presents "Beer Factor" [Mum you
must be proud].
There is a local here who can do a 2 second with hands
scull but he is a pom and has to harden up, he can't
get to grips with my method.
Crikey, its past 10.30pm and the sun just went down
[well it will be back at 4.30am] so can't f...king
wait, more heat.
We had the Indy car race here in Toronto this weekend,
what a show, what a race, what a noise, and the F18
fly by was just insane. They came over the top at
about 500 ft, [just about crapped my self] you just
hear this distant scream/whistle then the next thing
they are over you and BOOM they are gone with
afterburners glowing red. You could tune into there
radio chatter which made for enlightening listening.
Picture this, They came over us downtown Toronto and
within 2 mins were at Niagara 200 plus K's away, then
they turned back, blasted past us again and 5 mins
later 400km were back home in Ottawa in time to crack
a Molson and watch the start of the race.
It was so hot which was probably why all the young
ladies were decked out in body paint, [oh I think you
are getting burnt, would you like me to rub lotion on
those]. We had great day, even petrol head Juju.
That's all for now, so come on you guys give me a
little heads up on whats happening back with you in
Gods Own.
Love to all,
Toronto Pip.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Bumps and Grumps from Toronto June 27 2005
Hi All,
Welcome to "the week that was" its going to be a big
one so get your favourite beverage ready and sit down
and enjoy the ride. I will get the serious stuff out
of the way first.
I have started a "Save The Toronto Pip Fund" on
account of Julie's actions & indiscretions of past
weeks, [all donations gratefully accepted, TD Canada
Trust] Juju has wanted to keep it quiet, however I
feel I need to get it out in the open so that we can
move on. [No its not divorce, chance would be a good
thing].
Juju had an accident last week, she committed the
cardinal sin of Toronto, [ran over the "sacred cow"
that is the pedestrian / cyclist]. In ju's case a
cyclist [the cyclist died, but that's life, {just
jokes before any of you get to upset}] took a tumble,
minor scratches etc. Anyway, the down side is the car
sustained damage, dents, scratches, no wing mirror [or
up here side mirror], no one knows what a f...ing wing
mirror is?.
However isn't it funny how the guy in the Mazda
dealership knew exactly what a "wing nut" was, oh no
didn't know what a bloody "wing mirror" was but knew
exactly what a "wing nut" is [ for those of you who
are struggling, here is a hint. There are a couple of
billion of them up east way, the ones that are taking
over the world, you just can't see it yet] that's why
you are putting up with Chairman Helen [you will all
receive a little red book soon]??
So not only is our car insurance about 1 million a
year, Ju is banned from driving, she has been arrested
and charged with attempted murder, I was able to visit
her in the slammer over the weekend, but it was too
hot for conjugal rights. [Attorneys are expensive here
so please send donations].
We'll we are again in the middle of another f...ing
heat wave [36 to 40 degrees], its so hot I have
actually seen pigeons just fall from the sky, the rest
just sit around and don't move, even McGregor has
given up the chase, its seems its no fun when they
don't move [It's a pity his stupid dad doesn't give up
bird watching, and give up the chase on the local
wildlife].
Even the "rag-heads" here have taken off their
turbans, which has temporarily stopped my standard
approach of going up to them and saying "I hope your
head gets better soon" [they don't get it].
Then there's the Indian dairy owner Mr Putt-putt
Ding-ding [picture this with an Indian accent, I DON'T
CARE IF YOUR BLIND, YOU CANNOT BE BRINGING YOUR DOG IN
HERE, ESPECIALLY TO HAVE HIM TASTE TEST THE MEAT
PRODUCTS]
In another shop the Asian owner Mr Dim Sum his wife
Mrs Dim Sum and all the little Dim Sum's, [Mr Dim Sum
been busy with his spring roll?] said I DON'T BELIEVE
YOU ARE BLIND AND THAT YOUR DOG IS A SEEING EYE DOG [I
suppose standing there swinging my head from side to
side in a mock Stevie Wonder way while reading a
Penthouse helped on that one].
Its so hot that even the devout Muslim woman here have
abandoned there traditional head-covers [I kind of
wish a few hadn't, camel ugly, actually the camel
would be a better option], my commenting out loud
about this as well as a very unappreciated
impersonation of a howling fundamentalist [complete
with Allah Akbar's], has meant that the NZ and Middle
Eastern relations in our neighbourhood are strained at
this time.
Its so hot I have even had to back of on the jiggy
jiggy [for fear of heat exhaustion and a heart attack]
I must ask Juju if she feels the same way, when and if
she gets out.
It was good to see the All Blacks get it together and
give old Sir Clive's bunch a good beating. We were
able to get it live, however I feel asleep as it was
3am and I had been out with the gay boys to try and
kill my summer flu, [it didn't work] but had a great
night out. Yes I have the flu, its a ripper and has
temporarily stopped my travel plans.
We have just had the pride parade, the biggest gay
march in the world [500,000 to 1 million people] I
have never seen so many people, Ju couldn't handle it
and then there was the heat and numbers of people, she
had to bail, and I have to admit I was over it after
Friday night. However the sights were in many respects
unbelievable [literally] and even for someone as
deviant and strange as me I managed to learn a few
things myself.
You have to picture downtown Toronto they actually
shut off a fair piece of the city for 3 days, our
apartment was smack in the middle and the street was
shut.
Auckland's mayor [you know the cereal rapist {think
about it and the way it is spelt}, Mayor Rice Bubble
Nose] needs to come and take some lessons about how to
run a town.
It finished last night around 12 mid-night and this
morning when I went to work it was like it had never
happened. The streets were clean, no debris, no closed
roads, no signs of a huge 3 day party. There are so
many events coming up, Indy in downtown [no one
complaining that they won't be able to get to or from
work here] they just do it, jazz festival, food
festival, Greek festival, Italy festival, French,
Polish, Botswana etc etc etc.
We have a long weekend, Friday is Canada Day? Then our
friends south of the border celebrate "4th July" on
Monday.
So huge fireworks displays, I can't wait as you can
still buy sky rockets [remember them] big ones too
that explode with a huge star cluster [just like in
Baghdad].
You can also buy crackers [remember them, however up
here they are like small hand grenades] I'm going to
throw one in Dim Sum's door and see if I can't flush
him out, the Muslims were intrigued with my rocket
launcher on the deck until they worked out it was
aimed at them?
Anyway that's all for now [thank god they all say] I
may send a select few the unedited version of Pride
Weekend, complete with photo's??
Cheers for now,
Toronto Pip
[pyrotechnics's expert]
That ought to keep the Toronto Fire Dept busy.
Welcome to "the week that was" its going to be a big
one so get your favourite beverage ready and sit down
and enjoy the ride. I will get the serious stuff out
of the way first.
I have started a "Save The Toronto Pip Fund" on
account of Julie's actions & indiscretions of past
weeks, [all donations gratefully accepted, TD Canada
Trust] Juju has wanted to keep it quiet, however I
feel I need to get it out in the open so that we can
move on. [No its not divorce, chance would be a good
thing].
Juju had an accident last week, she committed the
cardinal sin of Toronto, [ran over the "sacred cow"
that is the pedestrian / cyclist]. In ju's case a
cyclist [the cyclist died, but that's life, {just
jokes before any of you get to upset}] took a tumble,
minor scratches etc. Anyway, the down side is the car
sustained damage, dents, scratches, no wing mirror [or
up here side mirror], no one knows what a f...ing wing
mirror is?.
However isn't it funny how the guy in the Mazda
dealership knew exactly what a "wing nut" was, oh no
didn't know what a bloody "wing mirror" was but knew
exactly what a "wing nut" is [ for those of you who
are struggling, here is a hint. There are a couple of
billion of them up east way, the ones that are taking
over the world, you just can't see it yet] that's why
you are putting up with Chairman Helen [you will all
receive a little red book soon]??
So not only is our car insurance about 1 million a
year, Ju is banned from driving, she has been arrested
and charged with attempted murder, I was able to visit
her in the slammer over the weekend, but it was too
hot for conjugal rights. [Attorneys are expensive here
so please send donations].
We'll we are again in the middle of another f...ing
heat wave [36 to 40 degrees], its so hot I have
actually seen pigeons just fall from the sky, the rest
just sit around and don't move, even McGregor has
given up the chase, its seems its no fun when they
don't move [It's a pity his stupid dad doesn't give up
bird watching, and give up the chase on the local
wildlife].
Even the "rag-heads" here have taken off their
turbans, which has temporarily stopped my standard
approach of going up to them and saying "I hope your
head gets better soon" [they don't get it].
Then there's the Indian dairy owner Mr Putt-putt
Ding-ding [picture this with an Indian accent, I DON'T
CARE IF YOUR BLIND, YOU CANNOT BE BRINGING YOUR DOG IN
HERE, ESPECIALLY TO HAVE HIM TASTE TEST THE MEAT
PRODUCTS]
In another shop the Asian owner Mr Dim Sum his wife
Mrs Dim Sum and all the little Dim Sum's, [Mr Dim Sum
been busy with his spring roll?] said I DON'T BELIEVE
YOU ARE BLIND AND THAT YOUR DOG IS A SEEING EYE DOG [I
suppose standing there swinging my head from side to
side in a mock Stevie Wonder way while reading a
Penthouse helped on that one].
Its so hot that even the devout Muslim woman here have
abandoned there traditional head-covers [I kind of
wish a few hadn't, camel ugly, actually the camel
would be a better option], my commenting out loud
about this as well as a very unappreciated
impersonation of a howling fundamentalist [complete
with Allah Akbar's], has meant that the NZ and Middle
Eastern relations in our neighbourhood are strained at
this time.
Its so hot I have even had to back of on the jiggy
jiggy [for fear of heat exhaustion and a heart attack]
I must ask Juju if she feels the same way, when and if
she gets out.
It was good to see the All Blacks get it together and
give old Sir Clive's bunch a good beating. We were
able to get it live, however I feel asleep as it was
3am and I had been out with the gay boys to try and
kill my summer flu, [it didn't work] but had a great
night out. Yes I have the flu, its a ripper and has
temporarily stopped my travel plans.
We have just had the pride parade, the biggest gay
march in the world [500,000 to 1 million people] I
have never seen so many people, Ju couldn't handle it
and then there was the heat and numbers of people, she
had to bail, and I have to admit I was over it after
Friday night. However the sights were in many respects
unbelievable [literally] and even for someone as
deviant and strange as me I managed to learn a few
things myself.
You have to picture downtown Toronto they actually
shut off a fair piece of the city for 3 days, our
apartment was smack in the middle and the street was
shut.
Auckland's mayor [you know the cereal rapist {think
about it and the way it is spelt}, Mayor Rice Bubble
Nose] needs to come and take some lessons about how to
run a town.
It finished last night around 12 mid-night and this
morning when I went to work it was like it had never
happened. The streets were clean, no debris, no closed
roads, no signs of a huge 3 day party. There are so
many events coming up, Indy in downtown [no one
complaining that they won't be able to get to or from
work here] they just do it, jazz festival, food
festival, Greek festival, Italy festival, French,
Polish, Botswana etc etc etc.
We have a long weekend, Friday is Canada Day? Then our
friends south of the border celebrate "4th July" on
Monday.
So huge fireworks displays, I can't wait as you can
still buy sky rockets [remember them] big ones too
that explode with a huge star cluster [just like in
Baghdad].
You can also buy crackers [remember them, however up
here they are like small hand grenades] I'm going to
throw one in Dim Sum's door and see if I can't flush
him out, the Muslims were intrigued with my rocket
launcher on the deck until they worked out it was
aimed at them?
Anyway that's all for now [thank god they all say] I
may send a select few the unedited version of Pride
Weekend, complete with photo's??
Cheers for now,
Toronto Pip
[pyrotechnics's expert]
That ought to keep the Toronto Fire Dept busy.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Chicago and Detroit. June 2005
Hi All,
"WELCOME TO THE WEEK THAT WAS",
Sorry I've been a bit quiet of late, I've been travelling around the top half of the US of A.
For those of you who have to travel with work you'll understand [I think], for those of you who don't, just try and picture this. [just try].
You know when you wake up on the morning you travel and you pack your bag [you just can't wait to get away from the she devil]!. You have 5 days of travelling so 6 pairs of undies just in case, [think about what your Grannie used to say], 6 shirts, 3 ties, shoes, socks etc etc.
Then the toilet bag, razor, smellies, moisturizer, blood pressure pills [to get over the she devil] etc etc.
Well you have to think differently when travelling to Detroit. My favourite city?!
I wake up and think DETROIT [oh shit why me], ok, undies [ 8 pairs, you know your going to need them], shirts, ties, steel cap boots, bullet proof vest, gun & holster, bullet proof rental car.
Toilet bag is replaced by all of the above plus a full triage bag including defibrillator, blood clotting agents etc etc.
It is still the only city that scares me! It is still the only city that I can get thoroughly lost in! Roads signs don't make sense and come hell or high water you don't stop and ask for directions. Even of the police [they are just weary of everybody, you can't blame them] they shoot first and then find alibi's later.
I had to spend two days in Chicago, which was great as I got to see allot of the central city. Well as my old mate "Ol Blue Eyes" said [Frank Sinatra slow ones] own words, "Chicago, Chicago Its My Kind Of Town". Quite frankly its beautiful [for those who have been there you understand]. The architecture in downtown is fantastic, there's a series of rivers [you can take river taxi's] and the whole city is very clean. And to top it of they have 100 world rated 5-star restaurants, and they are building restaurants at a rate of 2 per week [mind boggling really].
I was visiting the NeoCon designer show [a 12 story building full of the most fantastic of new innovations in all things designer and architectural].
Both these cities have water fronts [only they are fresh water lakes] however so large that when you fly across them you fly for nearly 45 minuets to get the other side.
We are experiencing some good old big country weather.The short lived but very violent storms, thunder & lightning are fascinating and fantastically dramatic [fork & amp; sheet lightning and thunder like you have never heard] and all during a heat wave as we have not had the temperature below 24 degrees c, even at night.
I had a fairly exciting flight into Detroit were I am positive that the plane was struck by lightning, I have never heard a more deafening bang inside an aircraft in my life [it had to be into Detroit didn't it]. Just so you can feel sorry for me here is one day in the travel of.
Wake up at 5.30am, catch shuttle to Detroit Metro airport. Get treated like you have just arrived at Guam Tana-mo Bay [I apparently look like a terrorist], get to gate to find that everything is ready, [except no one told the co-pilot that he had a flight]. Leave one hour late fly to Milwaukee, Wisconsin [not so bad as you change time zones, and arrive not long after you leave]. Do a full days business then catch a flight back. This leaves at 8pm however no one told the maintenance dept that the plane was due to fly out so you leave an hour late. Arrive Detroit [again????] at 1am. Wait 1 hour for hotel shuttle. [then wait another half an hour as they discuss the legal aspects of getting an overweight american woman into the coach without a crane [my advise & dialogue at this point didn't help, and Rick can you help me out I need an attorney]
Anyway I am bloody tired now so am going to go to sleep [that's that thing you normal people do]. I have to go to Cleveland, Ohio and then Buffalo, New York tomorrow.
More adventures to look forward to consist of California and London. Of which I have to visit both in the next couple of weeks. So stay tuned for more adventures from the Toronto Kid.
Oh shit I forgot, had a huge night out on the go go juice last weekend, I managed to bump into the English rugby team [minus the Lion's Lad's] at a bar owned by a Kiwi [Martin McScimmins, a bad mix, and meant for a large night], one of the English team was a Kiwi from Wellington [Perry Freshwater] great guy. Many Haka's later and some good old english ribbing and all was well.
That's all for now, and as for you useless ones who don't email back, it won't kill you, IT's NOT LIKE
YOUR TRAVELLING IN DETROIT OR ANYTHING?
Love to you all,
Toronto Pip.
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